Magic Milk Straws - REALLY?!

I must be REALLY observant. Like really, really. Things just catch my eye and they either amuse me or disturb me greatly.

Let's start with what disturbed me first.  (Check back later for an amusing post)

I'm at Target and I see these things called "Milk Straws"... Besides taking a detour to tell the general public.... GEEZZUSS CHRIST you can get calcium from sources other than what the dairy industry owned government brainwashed you into thinking was only milk... Is it really a problem to get your kids to drink milk?? I don't know, this is why I have a dog, so if he's bad I can sell him. I think you get in trouble if you do that with your kids. Not quite sure, but since I have none it's a moot issue anyways.

So here is this prized STRAW. Mmmmm strawberry milk is good right? Oh, and whats this? MAGIC Milk Straws. That's WAY better than a regular already made up thing any day, right?

However, I can't help myself. I wish ignorance was bliss, but I need to know - What's in a MAGIC MILK STRAW?

Oh no shit, you don't say?? Not just one, or two, but THREE different derivatives of SUGAR?!?! REALLY???? Uh huh. Yeah, it's real important your kids drink that milk right? I find my kids drink their milk better when I shoot them full of MAGIC heroin. Certainly the negative effects of that are counterbalanced and THEN SOME by the worlds only source of calcium, right? RIGHT?

Very disturbing folks, VERY DISTURBING!

CHECK-UP!

Well, most peoples new years resolutions are pretty long gone by now. I actually take mine pretty seriously and since yesterday was my birthday and almost exactly the half way point in the year, I thought we should do a little check-up on my progress.

My resolutions for 2010 are:

1) Have 75% lung capacity by June (Last checkup was 53%)
     *Well, I was diagnosed with asthma, but thanks to some pretty serious medication I'm happy to report my appointment on 7/7 now has me at 74% !!! I'm a month late and 1% off, but I'll take it! I can now run up to 6 miles and I'm claiming victory here!

2) Be in good shape by July (So I can wear a really inappropriate bikini!)
     *This is all relative. I see things changing on my body, but I can still pick apart my fat thighs and butt and double chin... BUT I did wear a bikini in Las Vegas which it's own tag described as "VERY minimal" coverage and guys still talked to me... SO that's on the road to being in good shape I think!

3) Read 2 books (Books towards my personal betterment)
     *I'm blaming #6 on this one. I did read Wayne Dyer's "Change your thinking, change your life" based on the Tao and now I'm half way through "Eating Animals" but that's SLOW going. The book is great, but by the time I lay down to read anything, I just fall asleep with the book on my face. Hey, 1 book down, another half the year to finish book #2. ON TRACK for victory!

4) Practice stillness - think before you talk & act
     *You know, what do I know? I think I've been pretty good about quelling my instantaneous emotional reactions and just "waiting" out the intensity before I choose to say something... but this is probably something I'll work on for the rest of my life. Just keeping it in mind is enough of a victory for me.

5) Be kinder to my mom (I've been a little rough on her - she's a good mom)
     *Ummmm, mom, how do you think it's going?  Just as soon as she talks to me I feel like my insides clench (like a fighter clenching his fists) and it's all I can do to not snip back and get defensive. Every conversation is a lesson in #4 let me tell you. I don't know what it is, but there is something about the two of us that just goes from 0 to 100 in less than 5 seconds flat! Sorry mom, it's not you, it's me!

6) Watch less TV
     *FAIL! Major fail. I love TV. I love zoning out to TV. I love my DVR. I can't get a fucking thing done to save my life, but I. LOVE. TV. And yesterday Big Brother started. And in September we're talking Dexter and Smallville. Yeah, I won't even bother writing this one down again. I have all this will power and I want to break free, but I don't. I <3 you TV... Marisa & TV 4EVER!

7) Go to bed earlier and be to work on time
     *I should have been more specific about what "early" and "on time" means. I try to be asleep by 11 and be at work by 8:30. Does that count? :( Oh really, it doesn't? Ok, well 5 months left to work on this one too then. ha.

No promises, okay?

I miss my friends. You know, all of you who hung on my every word? Yeah, I got so busy and stressed and a bunch of other stuff that I sorta had to fall back for a bit.

But no promises, okay?

It's funny because everything I think and see and take a picture of is in preparation for this blog, but after a full days work, and exercise, and trying to make something to eat, and trying to just ZONE OUT for a second with the TV, I then realize it's midnight, crawl into bed, and I haven't even turned the computer on!

I did reconnect with my trainer, so I'm back on board to be sexy hot and skinny again! Oh and run that half marathon in November, you know, whatever...

So, let's see... what have I been up to?

I finally tried out Mad Duck Grill & Taphouse. It's kinda small in there, but the staff was nice, the food and service was great, the prices were reasonable, and they had lots of veggie options! I had a goat cheese and beet salad (YUM) and a burger w/ a garden patty. OH! and they have Mtn Dew! I will definitely eat here again!

Also, something I've been enjoying is weekend movies and popcorn. I last watched Law Abiding Citizen and WOW I thought that was a good movie! The end was a bit "much" but it surprised me! Watch it. During that movie, I posted a pic of my popcorn onto Twitter and discovered there's a bit of controversy when it comes to "embellishing" your popcorn. I like mine with peanut M&M's, peanut butter M&M's, and sour patch kids. What say you?

Oh yeah, and today no less, guess who's back? Remember THIS? Yep, I just snapped this picture TODAY!! THE GEESE ARE BACK!  And so is the terror of approaching my car at night. So is the walk to my car laden with treacherous poop mines. SIGH. It's not a good time!

So let's see... What else?

I joined the wine club at Vino 100 which I think is super cool. I'm going this weekend for my wine club tasting.

I have a hair appointment this Saturday, which I desperately need and I'm really looking forward to.

The weather is warming up and I need to go buy some shorts. I think I'm going to swing by the Benefit Bar at the mall and get my eyebrows done too. And while I'm in Macy's maybe go buy some shoes. Hell, why not, right? Yeah, it's time for ALL OF THAT!

OH, and I tried Casa de Tamales. I want to eat there every day. That shit is GOOD! They offered many different types of GOURMET vegetarian options and even though it's all the way across town from me, it's SOO worth it. Yep. GO THERE. NOW.

Alright, I gotta go. I have months of useless knowledge and jokes and trivia and MISCELLANEOUS crap to share, but no one likes a really long blog post, do they? I'll try to check in more often. I WILL TRY!

But... No promises, okay?

Everybody hates that girl...

You know that girl..? The one who picks apart every detail of her body? Who stares in the mirror and pokes and pinches and prods at herself? The one who bitches and moans and apologizes about the size of her jeans or a double chin, but does absolutely NOTHING about it?

Yeah, I hate that girl! Everybody hates that girl!

Unfortunately, I was that girl. I never really considered myself fat, but I was just about busting out of a size 10 at one point. I can admit it - at my heaviest ever I weighed 142 lbs. Granted I'm 5'7" so it's not the end of the world, but I certainly wasn't happy. I'll show you pictures to prove it. NEVER BEFORE SEEN UNFLATTERING PICTURES.

Yeah, those suck... Looking at those fills me with shame. Hours I stared at and hated myself. Lusted after skinny girls in magazines. Destroyed photos. Avoided bathing suits like the plague. Know what I did about it? Not a goddamn thing! I ATE... I DRANK... I sat on my large ass and watched TV and I blah blah blah'd about it.

Then thanks to a very stressful time in my life (layoffs, paycuts, moves, breakups, religion, woe, etc) I lost 25 lbs! Know what's funny? Nothing changed. I looked pretty darn good, but STILL I hated parts of me.

Everyone hates THAT girl too.

Then I gained 10lbs of that 25 BACK! ACK! WAKE UP CALL! Truth is I wasn't healthy. I wasn't exercising, I was eating all the time (HEY EVERYONE KNOWS I LIVE AND BREATH FOOD RIGHT?) I was drinking 100+ oz of Mtn Dew every day. I got bad news at the doctors office that I only had 53% lung capacity. I was a mess and it finally dawned on me I had to do something about it!

I wanna love my body because I earned it. I wanna be proud of my efforts. I wanna be able to breath and do stuff without being winded. I don't want to get the beginnings of a cold and have it turn instantly into bronchitis or something lung related.

Plus, in looking back on my 30+ years, you know what? You only get older. You only get fatter. Exercising and losing weight and changing habits only gets HARDER!

I work in an industry where our main client demographic is 70+. Some I see with their oxygen tanks and their canes and their pills and their difficult life. Then there are some who are vibrant and active and happy. This contrast has motivated me to start a revolution in my life. I want to set up my future for one of vibrancy and activity and LIFE!

So, why am I eating healthy, and sacrificing oh so yummy junk food, and working out 5 days a week? Certainly not because it's easy, or fun, or inexpensive, or fits in my schedule. CERTAINLY NOT!

So, folks, there you have it. Embarrassing fat pictures and all. That is why I work out and work so hard. That is why I FORCE myself to stick to this path. I may not love it now, but 30 years from now I don't want to look back and say, YOU KNOW, I coulda ate one less candy bar. I coulda skipped 30 minutes of some stupid reality show and went for a jog, but I didn't and now I'm a mess. Yeah, that would be a shame.

Plus, I really want to go to Vegas for my birthday in July and be as hot as humanly possibly in the most inappropriate bathing suit ever made. SO, see you at the gym tomorrow? YEP, I'll be there!

An experiment in vanity...

There is so much in the media about celebrities and their appearances. People are lambasting Heidi Montag for getting plastic surgery. Granted, I think she's not so smart and was pretty enough already, but actually I think she looks fabulous now.

Then there was the whole revolt against Demi Moore for possibly photoshopping herself to look better. What, pray tell, is so wrong with a 40+ year old women who will be appearing on a magazine cover looking her best?? Do you want her up there with no makeup??

Oprah just made a crack about the cover of her most recent magazine and how she looked at it while she was actually at the breakfast table and it made her laugh because she didn't look ANYTHING like that.

I don't know. It's just started to bother me. Maybe there is something wrong with me, but I like those magazines. I like perfection. I expect perfection. I don't know. I was raised that you should always put your best foot forward. I take the time to put make up on. I get my hair done religiously. I like to wear decent clothes. And, TRUST ME, finding good clothes that fit my body is laborious and hard.

So I thought to myself - are the pictures online representative of me in real life? I don't know! Do I put forward the REAL me or a puffed and fluffed up version of me? I don't know!

I can tell you this much though, I take a lot of pictures! I fiddle with finding the right light and getting a good angle and cropping out the weird stuff and hey, if you own photoshop you better use it right?!?!

So, I said it last post and I'll say it again this post - FULL DISCLOSURE! I got nothing to hide so here's me, in the raw. Not so pretty now, eh?

What would you do if photographers were following you at every moment? Seeing even that middle one makes me want to have at least 18 different surgeries and that's what I friggen look like every day!

Which would YOU want to on a magazine cover? Ummm, PhotoShop just became my new BFF. Of course, I purposely didn't smile and that's not even a good picture with good lighting. In fact, that was straight window sunlight which is very unflattering... but anyways.

It was just a little experiment. What are your thoughts? What would you do?

The strangest thing just happened...

Well, actually it wasn't even close to THE strangest - I seem to attract STRANGE things... However, here's a little story for you.

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As a side note, you should know, I'm a pretty chatty person. I smile and talk and make eye contact and say my please and thank you's and the whole bit. The store is kinda a big deal for me. I like the cashiers to know me and me to know them. It may be a chain store, but it's LOCAL - it's MINE and that's what I do...
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A couple weeks ago I had to stop at the store and pick up a few ingredients and a couple bottles of wine from the grocery store for a potluck dinner I was going to later that evening.

As my stuff was being scanned, something happened with the cashier (NOT ON PURPOSE) and my bottle of La Crema fell over and the bottom of the bottle broke off! OMG WINE EVERYWHERE!

How do you think this situation worked out? What would be your reaction? There would be "A REACTION" right?

Ummmm, NO!

It was SOOO weird! She just picked up a rag, a small rag, and sort of blotted up a little bit. All the while my cheese and ranch seasoning and bread are being demolished. So I'm picking stuff up and it's dripping wine and the guy behind me in line and I are talking, I'm talking to the cashier, the bag boy... EVERYONE.

The entire... ENTIRE... E N T I R E  cleaning process, replacement of my tarnished products process, checkout process, and albeit "one sided" conversation clear through me signing the receipt she did not make eye contact, answer my questions, respond to my banter, or even acknowledge my existence. IT WAS FUCKING BIZARRE... !!!!!

I know it wasn't her fault - it's not like I expected her to say "I'm sorry" or anything, but possibly an "Oooops" or "Oh my gosh" or "Wow, I'm tired will this day ever end" or SOMETHING... RIGHT?  Wouldn't you say SOMETHING?!

Okay, upon review this was a lame story... but I found it to be so crazy!  I think I need to get out more.

Why my version of Christmas spirit involves killing mother earth...

OMG - this holiday crap is just that... CRAP!  Mostly because it doesn't matter how old I am, I'm always caught off guard by the insanity.  I'm only like one and a half sentences in and I already feel like this could wind up being a really long post. UH OH - I'll try to keep it quick.

My family has never and still doesn't celebrate holidays so I don't have many expectations for this time of year. I covered my Thanksgiving woe HERE... I still feel that way, but Christmas is a little different. I'm sorry, but if anyone was more meant for shopping, baking, decorating, wrapping, party planning, and gift baskets - it was ME ME ME!!! That's okay, there's really no law that says you can't do that year round right?

Actually, it's probably better to do it year round! Towards the end of the year, things get CUH RAY ZEE! Holy shit people, settle down. The obligation and intensity put into this business is mind boggling.

All I want to do is go to Costco and buy 10 tri-tips and some party plates. FUCK!! It was like roller derby or bumper cars but with shopping carts... the streets were packed... the stores were crowded... and LISTEN, I like this stuff. I love the excitement and the people watching, and evesdropping on the next isles convo, but WOW... Not this week! It's like zombies took over!!

Where's all the holiday spirit and smiles and people wearing aprons bringing over trays of fudge or the "merry christmas" smiles and greetings???

You poor retail cashier drones... When I have a project I can easily go to 10+ different stores in a day searching for just the right items. That's a lot of shopping, a lot of observations, a lot of everything - this makes me an expert. (I was just proving my credentials...)

However, I'm sort of a canvas bag nazi - I have this goal to never take a plastic or paper bag from anyone. I've written many angry posts about how poorly people pack a canvas bag or how wasteful people are packaging EACH ITEM in a different bag. The combination of all this craziness and stress and tension and deadlines and all the things I need being wiped clean from the shelves in some sort of frenzy leaves me a bit on edge myself. After the 4th store, I thought, you know what FUCK IT, could you put my plastic bags in a plastic bag please? I cannot fight you anymore. You broke me! I couldn't hand the bag and explain the purpose of the bag and request you fit all my items into one bag ANYMORE. YOU WIN! You cashiers are tired. You don't want to have chatty interaction with me. You don't want to talk or look or think or even be there for that matter, so OKAY. I GET IT. I will express my kindness and gratitude this Christmas season by allowing our mother earth to be a giant plastic landfill. Just whatever.

It's like Oprah. And YOU get a plastic bag! and YOU get a plastic bag! and YOU get to cut down a tree! and YOU get to help cause global warming... I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, I just know I hated it, but it was a kindness to let them go through their routine and get the hell outta there.

So there - Happy Holidays from me to you!

Unstable fixations - Part 1 - COLOR!!

OMG - have you guys been outside? Fall is my favorite favorite favorite season! I actually think spring is pretty awesome too, but right now I am SO enamored with fall, it's not even funny. I keep taking pictures of trees and hoping that one of them will be able to express even an ounce of the vividness I see in my wonderful eyes!  How am I doing?

This tree is across the street from my kitchen window. It's like a rainbow!!

Speaking of rainbows... I saw a real rainbow last week. I got so excited. LOOK!

Oh My Gosh You Guys! I just want to walk around and stare at every tree and soak in the COLOR! What are you fixated on? Am I the only one walking around with my camera in hand and my head up in the trees?

The Lone Sock

I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind.

Look at this picture!

LOOK AT IT!!
If this were your sock, exactly how many days would you walk over it...? around it...? by it...?

We're on day 6 ladies and gentlemen.

SIX DAYS!

That's approximately 15 times each person in this household would have crossed paths with the lonely Hanes.

Just so you know, you can bet the coming tribulation on the fact that this is not my sock. Ever met a person on the edge? That's me - I'm at my limit. It's all these little things. It's not the working 12 hours a day. It's not the family issues and money woe. It's the lunacy that is knowing people can exist in a world where they can just check out and walk over this stupid sock! Personally, I feel this is very unfair to me. What are my options here?

(1) I pick up the sock, walk around and ask everyone, "Is this your sock?" and handle it for them
(2) I don't pick up the sock and step over it like the rest of them while very unceremoniously liquifying my internal organs
(3) Set fire to the house and just make it all just "go away"

So far, I've opted for Option 2. I'll keep you posted.

Making cleaning fun...

Yeah, I'm a bitch... a big ole one too! I should be writing about how awesome my roommates are (Which I usually do BTW) but I'm also terribly terribly flawed.

I'm pretty sure they are playing a game with me. They have to be. I think the game is to see how quickly they can get the girl with MILD OCD symptoms to go completely lunatic raving mad insane.

Like how is it possible to open a closet door in the hallway and NOT SHUT IT completely? How do you leave it cracked? EVERY TIME YOU OPEN IT? HOW? Please teach me... because (and this may be a rather bold statement) I'm pretty sure that if my house was on fire and my most prized possessions were in that closet and all I had to do was grab them and run to safety - EVEN THEN I would still close the door completely.

I'm a STRONG believer in the philosophy "A place for everything and everything in it's place." I don't know if that's a philosophy actually. A statement? A quote? Let's make it a lifestyle. It's my lifestyle! I have little trays and a certain order I put things in. My kitchen drawers are very "consistent"... That's the word I'm going to use to downplay OCD, ok? Sort of like the hoarder who says they have a "cluttering" problem.

Anyways, I have a little caddy I use to hold my earth friendly cleaning supplies. They are for everyone to use as I "encourage" cleaning, ya know? This is how I found my caddy after someone so generously cleaned the kitchen while I was at work.

Let me just assure you, it does NOT look like that!

Look closer... This is me being clinically diagnosed INSANE!

INSANE!!!!


Someone tell me what is going on here. How come the bottles aren't upright? I.don't.understand.
DOES
NOT
COMPUTE

Was this a new way to make cleaning fun? Do we stand across the room and throw the cleaning bottles at the caddy and see if you can make a goal or what? It's like a physical impossibility for me to do anything like this.

And what am I supposed to do? HA! I just straightened it and said thanks for cleaning the kitchen, but oh my god, I wonder if they'll ever know how crazy I am. You don't think I'm crazy, DO YOU?

Oh really?

For those of you who don't know, I'm a bit of a nature freak. I take more pride than I can explain to you in coming home from multiple stores and having nothing to throw away! I bring canvas bags with me and even mesh bags for my vegetables. I HATE waste and actually have intense energy directed at baggers and cashiers who can't figure out how to do it right.

Actually, I just had a gathering at my house last weekend and everyone kept asking me for paper plates and cups so they didn't dirty any dishes. OMG, PLEASE DIRTY A DISH rather than throw something away. I forced everyone to use real stuff. 5 minutes of extra work is nothing, geez!

Also, Fresno has been really big on their "Buy Local" campaign. I agree with this. I like feeling like I'm a part of something and doing something good. Plus, here in Fresno, the fruit basket of the world, buying vegetables and fruit from local farms is diverse, affordable, and awesome! When I saw this sign at Vons I was so happy since I needed squash anyways:

HOWEVER, upon further inspection, I think someone needs a geography lesson. Either that or it's A LOT smaller world than I originally imagined:


HA HA HA! OH REALLY? This is considered LOCAL? ALL OF NORTH AMERICA? UH HUH...

Tips to help civilize the general public...

Yeah, some of you are in dire straights. I mean, I think you all know I could wax poetic bitch and moan for hours on end about how you all are fucking up the minute details of my serenity.

Let me just give you the smallest of pointers. Your roommates/parents/spouse/house cleaner can thank me later.

Kitchen Sink Rules
1) PLEASE, do NOT fill both basins with your garbage. For the love of god, leave the garbage disposal side empty so the one's of us who want to use the sink still have a free and clear side to work with.

2) PLEASE, rinse out or rinse off your plate/bowl before you walk away. I could go on an on about how ridiculous it is that you feel entitled to just leave your stuff for someone else to clean up in the first place, but should you feel completely comfortable burdening the others in your work place or household with your laziness and refuse - AT LEAST have the decency to rinse. Dropping your napkin in your half eaten bowl of minestrone and splashing some water on it for good measure is about the most disrespectful offensive load of bullshit I've ever seen. YOU DIDN'T WANT TO WASH IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, but now I have to put my hands in your last digestive "experience" to clean up your mess.

UNACCEPTABLE

12:34.56 7/8/9

Yeah, today's a pretty friggin' awesome day! Mostly because it's my birf'day, but I'm not making a big deal about it. I just have an undeniable need to share with you every little detail of my life!

I've been working so much and been SO busy that I haven't posted in a week. SORRY!

I started my day by going to work only to be greeted with balloons and red bull and happy birthday signs and chocodiles. SO MANY CHOCODILES!! Although I'm 31 29 and will be forever... YES 29 FOREVER... they may have added a couple of extra and then spelled out my name with 31 of them.


I don't know about you, but I think that is just about the coolest thing ever!

Silent observations of a perfectly sane person...

Here's a light and fluffy post with pictures because it's late and I want to go to bed...

Does anyone else find this 5' tall advertisement amusing? Not even just a little bit raunchy? Am I really that far in the gutter? (Side note, isn't "Grande Taquito" an oxy-moron? I don't see any advertisements for 'Big Small **whatever**' but hey, I don't get out much! Spanish is a funny language.)


Be honest with me my new virtual friends. Do these "Gummy Tummies" appeal to you?
(1) I find the penguin to be a quite adorable creature personally. Therefore the thought of eating it isn't first on my mind. (Also there's that lame vegetarian thing)
(2) If times get any tougher (It's a recession you know) and some rare minature migrating penguins overtake Woodward, and I am forced to eat the afore mentioned rare miniature migrating penquins, the part I think I would enjoy THE LEAST would be biting down on their still full bellies and having said contents explode in my mouth.
Too much? Too graphic? Yeah, it's hard to be me... That was THE FIRST thing I thought when I saw these at the checkout. The second was, "I have to write a blog about this!"


Alright... I'm tired and I'm going to bed. Catch you tomorrow.

Upcoming posts you can look forward to:

* The panini I made for dinner last night
* My review of the Pizza Fusion event I went to today.

It's becoming clear to me that my expectations are waaay too high...

I'm going to complain, make fun, and generally be a catty bitch in this post... so move right along if you're not into that kind of thing.

Five things you need to know, do, or point and laugh at...

1) I have a problem with commercials. This is why I pay for TiVo. I compulsively fast forward, but every once in a while I'm assaulted by something truly disturbing. Has anyone seen the one where mother nature is an evil woman who shows up carrying a red box and gives women their "monthly gift" at uncool times like on a first date or as you are wearing all white and landing your private jet on a Hawaiian beach with girlfriends? Really? And I KNOW the illustration didn't just show a red box bouncing around in there trying to get out. Yeah... Seriously... Personally, I don't think a white bathing suit is a good idea ever, but really? I could talk for hours about this.

1a) It's about drinkability. REALLY? This is your beverage marketing slogan? It's DRINKABLE? I find this to be SOOO HUMOROUS that it is, in fact, bothersome. Not better tasting, not less filling, not low calorie... IT'S DRINKABLE? hahaha *puke* hahaha

1b) Okay, I have a serious commercial problem!!! The Charmin Toilet Paper Company MUST BE STOPPED. These filthy disgusting bears and their love of public defecation MUST BE STOPPED. I just saw one last night where they all drive around together in a car, stop in the woods, and take a big family dump. There are no words to describe my horror.

Moving On...

2) I was at Dollar Tree the other day. It was clearly the first time the lady in front of me had been there. She asks the cashier, "How much are the balloons you have over there?" He says, "I think they are a dollar." She counters with, "How much are the foil balloons?" He says, "Actually, those are a dollar too." Does she have a vision problem as well, or are the 75 EVERYTHING'S A DOLLAR posters really really confusing?

Then the people behind me bust in and ask the cashier, "How about these candy bars? The box says 59 cents." The cashier must get this a lot because he says, "Then they must be 59 cents." I however observed the sign says "2 for $1." It's a little scary going out in public sometimes. Very simple concepts confuse people and I'm terrified for the future now.

3) I have a tax man who lives up in Oakhurst. He is a strange man, but his dad used to do my dads taxes so it's sort of a family thing. Once a year I have the privilege of driving up north to cram myself into this strange uneven room. His table is just a GIANT tree stump and the ceiling slopes so that you sort of have to crawl into your chair. It's a crazy HEAVY old orangy chair and there are papers EVERYWHERE. He always keeps an ice chest behind him with Hansen's soda in it and when I leave, I come home with a little tidbit worth sharing.

A few years ago, he shared with me that he enjoys taking a dip in his spa in the morning before coming to work. Fairly normal and not noteworthy right? Did I forget to mention he is always joined by his pet turkey? HAHAHA Uhhh, what?? I was too shocked to really ask any questions, but isn't that called making soup? Isn't that how you cook lobster? I mean, turkeys shouldn't be in the spa, right? Tell me that's strange so I feel better about myself. (PS - he is the nicest guy and does a GREAT job, but I had to share the turkey thing.) I can't make this up people.

4) I had a Mountain Dew "Throwback" the other day. I don't think I have a clear understanding of what the term "Throwback" means. To me it has negative connotations. If it's no good you throw it back, right? As a dew purist, I thought it was gross. I'd rather have the original or nothing at all. High fructose corn syrup FTW!

5) I just want to talk to people who work in the food industry here at good ole #5. I know your job is hard. I know everyone is different and most people are douche's to you. I know most people don't tip well. Now that we've covered a few of the basics that I know, can we talk about some stuff? Friend to friend? I LOVE FOOD. Food and me go WAY back. It's ritualistic and comforting and practically orgasmic. That being said, I think you should understand that I am happy and excited to be in your establishment. However, lets just set a few ground rules here.

The last 3 restaurants I ate at totally fucked up the dance. Don't act like you didn't know eating out is a finely choreographed dance, it SOO is.
*Please allow me to sit down and put my purse down before you are already spewing off your specials. I'm still standing... REALLY?

*Please follow the order of things. I just ate at a place that brought my chips & salsa, guacamole, bean soup, AND entree all at the same time. Then they took my drink order!! The food was DELICIOUS, but I was so disappointed because it was too much.

*Allow me time. Speed is not everything!! Sometimes my entire plan for the night is to enjoy my companions company. I want to chitty chat and savor my tapenade and flatbread. I want to tell a funny story and then get really excited about my beet salad. I want time to reminisce while waiting in hungry expectation for my designer pizza. Get it? The waiting, the expectation, the tease... It's like sex. Can I get a little foreplay PLEASE?**

So anyways, that's what was on my mind today. :)




**Now is NOT the time for your comments to offer advice on my sex life, I'm just trying to be funny here...

And everyone wonders why I never leave my house...

I don't think my little town of Fresno gets enough credit. They say we're the armpit of California. Well, those people are retarded because everyone knows that's Bakersfield. HAHAHA. No, seriously, it may get hot in the summer, but right now the weather is just about DIVINE.

Here at Woodward Lakes things couldn't be more perfect. There are so many trees and the rain made everything super crisp and green. The lake is beautiful and there is a breeze, and I'm going to share with you my hidden little sanctuary.

Sitting out here is so relaxing. I don't worry about anyone or anything. HarMar explores and my mind drifts off. Nature releases me from my judgments and labels and expectations carry away with the breeze.

Why would I leave when I have my own little slice of heaven right here?

No-No Topiaries

Wait, what are we talking about? Nothing appropriate, I can pretty much guarantee you that.

I thought part of my big impressive word I made up but have no idea what it means City Blogging Focus could be to include Product Reviews. Who else can you trust to tell you about stuff no one else is awkwardly uncomfortable enough to say?? Yeah, that's what I thought.

You may or may not be an avid reader of the BeeHive, but one of their recent posts was about then new Schick Quattro For Women Trimstyle Razor. At first I was horrified by the commercial. Being a detail oriented person, I was quite disturbed to see gardening gone awry. I mean, who knew "bush" had another meaning? The giant morphing No-No Topiaries were about all I could handle.


Although shaken and disturbed, I reflected upon my previous musings where I lamented having to give up my brazilians and thought... I wanna try this thing!! Apparently the entire nation was in a deep congo of crisis though because every frickin store in town was SOLD OUT for 3 weeks straight!

I finally got my hands on one this weekend. Now would be a good time to mention that my internal dialog has taken a detour. She wants to know why I am reviewing a product that 1) is putting WAAAY to much personal information on the internet and 2) I can't even show you photos of my handywork. Well, I could, but talk about a redefined blog focus. HAHAHAHA

Anyways, it was $10 and came with a wall holder AND the necessary AAA battery (which never happens!!) it's water proof, easy to use, and overall I like it! Word to the wise, should your shower share a wall with your still sleeping roommates bedroom, you might want to disclaim what the noisy electronic buzzing sound is before she draws some rather unsavory conclusions about you. Ha Ha Ha

How's that for a product review?

I'm seeing RED!

And you will be too! I'm so excited! I got my hair did!

LOOK!

I feel alive again! I know I had this whole game plan for dying my hair brown to last longer between visits, but it's ONLY a global recession - I overreacted!

I looked ok with blonde and brown hair, but I felt average. If you remember my "Hair Adventures" post from before, you will realize I'm not afraid to do anything and like to switch it up OFTEN!

Hell, why beat around the bush, I have a vibrant personality and think my hair should match! Either that or it's like natures way of warning you that I'm TROUBLE - STAY AWAY! I'll let you decide that :)

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Now, because life is all in the little details and I was feeling catty and also happened to have my camera on me - this is a prime example of what NOT to do to your hair. I can barely beweave* she goes out in public like this.


*Yes, Yes I did... I went there AND I laughed maniacally as I did it too. BWUA HA HA !

Raccoons and Strippers turn out to be oddly similar

I’d like you to look at me. Look up at the top of this blog, maybe to the side, okay, even look below this post... WAIT, Oh my god, how many freakin’ pictures do I have of myself on this blog?? Apparently I should add narcissism to my list of afflictions - geeeezzzzuuussss!

Okay, ANYWAYS, back to me - LOOK AT ME! What you see folks is the the ugly face of addiction! Besides having an addictive personality (Actually, 2 random people have described me recently as “infectious” {in keeping with my narcissistic ways} which I obviously took as a compliment) I am also, quite possibly, addicted to every other possible thing you can be addicted to. To some who read this, that will come across as a rather extreme statement, lest you keep reading and discover I’m also addicted to exaggerating. How can I live larger than life unless I lie, right?

Honestly I believe the government is conspiring against me! There are some things in this life I just cannot live with out.
1) Chapstick
2) Lotion
3) Q-Tips

As I vegetarian, I find beef jerky to be exceptionally unattractive. One hour without one of the above listed products and I shrivel up and age at least 50 years. Okay, that was an exaggeration, my apologies - 30 years... I would age AT LEAST 30 years. Still you skoff? From my stationary chair, I offer you this picture of the lotion/chapsticks I have within an arms reach. And since my roommate Melissa lovingly refers to me as T-rex, that’s like 2 feet max - SERIOUSLY... I’m just sayin’...

Since I’m trying not to be a sensationalist, that HONESTLY was what I found in my desk here at work!

Here’s a new one that’s just starting to rear it’s shiny head - GLITTER. I am totally addicted to glitter. I love looking at sparkly stuff, so much so that now I apply shimmery eye shadow, glitter eye liner, and a glitter liquid liner to my eyes. I have the prettiest eyes if I do say so to my vainglorious self. Truth be told, as the day wears on, the glitter works its way onto my eye lashes and into my eyes and down my face so that by 5 pm all I see is sparkles and shimmers and shooting stars. I live in a prism of glitter reverb that would rival the best LCD trip you’ve ever had. A day seeing through my eyes is probably like being trapped inside a Pink Floyd video. Except, I just googled Pink Floyd videos on youtube - being as I was born in 1978 - and NOW THEY TELL ME they didn’t even have music videos back then - what the fuck!? The few I did watch were of like his concerts and they seemed pretty trippy and you know what? Whatever! Just hum to yourself “Hello Hellooo, is there anybody. out. there. ??” You get the point. It’s a lot of fucking glitter okay - that’s the point!

Hell, I’ve got so much stuff going on that I shouldn’t even be driving. I ran into an old friend at Target 2 weeks ago and she made reference to me resembling a raccoon. I didn’t really understand that analogy since I thought moths were attracted to shiny stuff and raccoons were more garbage bandits of the rodent variety, but then again, you can’t be a true junkie unless you’ve got yourself all hopped up and dug through the trash for dinner right? Soooo maybe she’s right? Actually, the more I think about it, strippers and raccoons have a lot in common. Of course, I haven’t perfected the titty glitter thing just yet - I’ve mostly wanted to be feminist **HEY BUDDY, eyes up here okay?!** but I’m only a year into this and as my tolerance grows I’ll be hittin’ the harder stuff soon enough. GIVE IT TIME PEOPLE!

I think I’m also addicted to smell though. NO, I don’t want to smell you - I’m full of self-love remember? Unfortunately, after about 15 different products (Body wash, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, lotion, perfume, perfumed lotion, hair smoother, hair spray, and more!) I fear I smell like a $3 french whore up in this bitch! Actually, I think the original saying was a $2 french whore, but with the economy right now and the fact that all those products are expensive, I’ve taken the liberty of raising the price a dollar! OH OH, you know what?!?!?! I even have scented body glitter! Can you say OMG!?

By the way, what the hell is a velvet tuberose and why do I always pronounce it turbose? (That's the bath & body lotion scent I prefer) Like I think I want to smell like a large but very fast woman? Like you know, turbo, but the OSE part denotes largeness... Everyone knows this, must I explain every. thing. to. you? Sigh.

Alright people, my 3 o'clock break is over and we're a little less than an hour away from 5 pm's impending disco fever revival, so I gotta go!

As a side not, if this means anything to you - you will know how funny it is.
People that eat chicken feet can’t get diabetes. Say goodbye.

Leave personal maintenance to the professionals...

I'm mad at the economy. Well, mad in probably the most facetious and petty way possible, but that's how I roll, yo!

I keep writing sentences and I can't decide whether I want this to be a really serious post or a funny one. I'm guessing mostly funny because I really don't have anything to complain about. It's just like Louis CK and his "Everything's amazing, Nobody's happy" video. Watch here:

I think we all got ahead of ourselves and maybe life does need to settle back down so we can appreciate what we have. I bought my first house in 2000, lived there for 2+ years and never had cable, internet, or a livingroom couch. Oddly enough, I recall being busy and happy. WEIRD. I seriously, at this point, would give up food to keep my TiVo recording. That's not petty right? A girl's gotta have priorities... I think food and insurance are way overrated anyways.

Mostly, I just don't like being crowded and I think there are a few too many of you on this boat. Yeah, I can see the "capacity" sign from my prime window seat and we're definitely overfull. I think I'm feeling a little seasick here.

Actually, as a workin' girl, I can now see I lived the last few years like a lady of leisure... Mostly, I'm upset because I LOVED IT! I was professionally maintained from head to toe, literally. Ladies of leisure don't bother with shaving and combing their hair and painting their nails. I know this because I laughed entirely too hard when watching the Kath & Kim episode where Kim heads out to get a mani/pedi while proclaiming "Painting your own nails is so poor!" IT IS and I hate being poor! It's so much better to leave all that personal maintenance bullshit to the pros. You know you've made it when you are willing to pay cash money (that's my gangsta word of the month BTW) to some woman so that she can crawl all over your hooha waxing and tweezing because you just can't be bothered with those things.

And as a poor person now, I'm also incredibly lazy. I'm laying in bed on a Sunday at 11am listening to my iPod with my dog curled up next to me, but my laptop battery is in the red and I'm not feeling like going into the living room to get my power cord. Mostly because I'm naked and don't think my roommates would appreciate that. See, that's also lazy because I don't want to bother with a robe. However, I read somewhere you shouldn't end a blog post in the middle of discussing getting Brazilian waxes, but looks like that's what's gonna happen. When will this retardedly expensive dog get his ass up and do something other than cost me MORE money?

I've added it up and I'm thinking $1,000 more a month will adequately provide me with the lifestyle I've become accustomed too. Anyone want to be my sugar daddy? I'm prepping my "trophy wife" resume right now...