Friday, October 31, 2008


The summertime is pretty much over. It’s rainy and overcast today, but with Santa Cruz in my blood, I LOVE IT!

Surprisingly I still have a job and a warm cozy bed with a roof over my head so I can’t complain right? I think I may even have a couple friends LOL

I’ve taken on more work than I ever thought possible, I mean seriously, my job duties typed as 1 liners takes up 2 pages now. And now I know there is a deep sickness inside me because... between you and me... secretly, I like it. I like that they need me. I like the challenge. I like fighting for something I believe in. I want to be thought of as doing something that no one else could do - EVERYTHING! In all honesty, that is unhealthy. But who are you to judge? I have to kids, no significant other, and the only thing waiting for me at home is a TiVo’d episode of Judge Judy, so what do you care that I’ve made this my life, my family, my home? It sucks to take it so personally when business isn’t good, but that’s like extra motivation for me to dig in deeper. I don’t know if I could live with myself if I didn’t give it everything I got. I think I’d look back and say - if I only I had worked harder, got up earlier, read more, was more creative.

The unfortunate part is that no reasonable person can do this much. I can’t please anyone either. Either people hate me because I do the impossible (jealousy is such a bitch) or I’m juggling so much that I don’t get anything done and then they say I’m dumb for trying. UGH. I hate that. I don’t know. I’ve always put my entire life on the line in the chance that someone would say “Good Job Marisa”. It’s never about money. It’s not even about being the center of attention. I know the ulcers I grow inside so it’s not about admiration. I guess it’s about value. I just want people to say “Good Job”. I want that nod of approval. The WOW... the THANK YOU. I wonder if people see that? I don’t know. I think some people think I’m snobby and condescending. No one like miss perfect Holly Homemaker who worked all day and still shows up to the party with a 10 course meal and all they brought was some KFC. But it’s such a double edged sword. I want that approval and surely me showing up with something half ass isn’t good enough, so I go overboard trying to say “Hey Hey, I tried REALLY REALLY HARD, will you like me now? Think I’m good enough now?” but then the opposite happens... and they dislike me because I tried too hard. I don’t know. It’s so lame.

I just signed on to throw our annual company party. In years past when money flowed like water we would spend tens of thousands of dollars on fancy soiree (I have to admit I took 10 minutes to google how to spell that word.. apparently NO ONE knows) at a country club. Well last year I was given the task of throwing that same party for 75 people for $3,000 not at the country club. Yup, I did it with 1 other girl and it was like Jesus walking on fucking water. Of course, they complained that there wasn’t enough meat (god forbid the vegetarian made some NON meat delicacies) and that the drive was too far and that it was only appetizers. (Yeah, chicken skewers and bruschetta and mini roasted red potatoes with artichoke and cheese and crackers and stuffed mushrooms and fruit and veggies and brie w/ apricot jam in a puff pastry and a chocolate fountain and beer and homemade sangria is a real bummer... INGRATES!) Decorations... Music... I even had a photo station last year. I went to Joannes and draped fabric and ornaments and and set up my camera on a tri-pod, it was SO cute. I also made gift baskets for each of our departments employees of the year (Personalized to their likes, of course)

Well, this year I’ve been give the same task, less my other friend/helper, here at the dealership with a full meal for $1,000. Think I can do it? Cook it all by myself for 100 people? Yeah, besides doing what I have calculated to be 3 FULL TIME jobs (5 titles though, but not all are FULL TIME) I just took on a catering position. HA! Seriously, I need help. I’m sick.


Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Symptoms of a Panic Attack

* raging heartbeat
* difficulty breathing, feeling as though you can't get enough air
* terror that is almost paralyzing
* nervous, shaking, stress
* heart palpitation, feeling of dread
* dizziness, lightheadedness or nausea
* trembling, sweating, shaking
* choking, chest pains, distress

* fear, fright, afraid, anxious
* hot flashes, or sudden chills
* tingling in fingers or toes ('pins and needles')
* fearful that you're going to go crazy or are about to die

Ha Ha Ha

I thought that was what they called “Being Awake”...

I’ve had 10 out of those 12 every day for the last 3 weeks.
Today will be no better.
In fact, I’m pretty sure today will be much worse. Don’t ask.

I gotta quit typing though, the fingers on my left hand are tingling...

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Censored Title...

Actually I wanted to just write another personal truth. I really do like music. And as cliche and obvious as it is, I’m all about leaving obvious clues for people as to where I am in life. I don’t think anyone ever picks up on all those clues, lol, but I do it either way.

One thing I do is put music that tells my current story on my MySpace. Yeah, I know - LAME - I know. (Please ignore that time I put the new song Swing by Savage on there... I’m not really considering being a stripper whore or a rappers girlfriend... that one was just catchy...)

So, read the lyrics to these songs and see if you can figure out where I am in life. I fear they paint a tragic story. LOL I’m gonna be ok, I swear, but these songs I’m “feeling”... (Hey that’s better than being dead inside, right?)

I’ll start you off with one. This is my new fav song...
1) Car Crash - Courtney Love

There's a ghost on the highway,
And I want to run it down,
There's a phantom in my bed,
And I'm all alone now.
I've seen every hotel,
I've seen every hell,
There's nothing I haven't done,
There's no one I haven't had.

Would you be there when the lights,
When the lights get shot right out?
Would you be there when the roof,
When the roof comes crumbling down?

And I know myself too well,
And the Devil speaks to me,
And he's got me pinned down now,
Telling me I'm so empty.
Oh, just say you're sorry now,
And you'll never do it again,
Take the edge right off and keep it,
Coz you'll never be high again.

Would you be there when the lights,
When the lights get shot right out?
Would you be there when the roof,
When the roof comes crashing down?

Would you be there when the devil,
When the devil comes for me?
Would you be there when the lights,
Go black and empty?

And I live in a box,
And I die in this hole.
And you hold the keys,
To this zip.
And I don't wanna go,
But I can't seem to come,
And it's not up to me,
It's up to you.

And at all tomorrows parties,
I will be there, not at one,
And when you all start to miss me,
Oh, just pass me the gun.
And it's Valentine's again,
And there's nothing here for me.

Would you be there when the lights,
When the lights come crashing down?
Would you be there when the roof,
When the roof comes crumbling down?

Would you be there when the Devil,
Takes me to the underground?
Would you be there when the night,
Is night all year around?

Would you be there in the ice?
In the frost and cold and freeze?
Would you be there any time?
When I'm here, I'm on my knees?

2) Hiding - Beth Hart
3) Kill My Soul - Catherine Wheel
4) Lie To Me - Depeche Mode
5) Danger - Keep Away - Slipknot

Couldn’t resist - this one is just too good. Here’s another:
6) The Same Old Song - Nina Personn (A Camp)

Here's my prayer
I'm getting nowhere
I'm stepping up the stairs
But falling behind, oh
I'm a one-man show
That nobody knows
My body sure knows
I'm wondering why, oh

I can't go on singing this song
That the angels will not hear
The world is a hole from all that I stole
But there is still a little love in here
Few things will last, I did it too fast
But I'm learning to cry

Don't be a stepping stone
Get it all out, deliver it

Here's my weep
I'm digging too deep
I do believe in lies
I've got everything to hide, oh
I'm young, I'm old
I do what I'm told
Cut open, unfold
But there's nothing inside, oh

Hey child, you dance too loud
Here is your limit

Don't be a stepping stone
Get it all out, deliver it

Here's my plead
My never ending repeat
I'm a circular cry-baby
With no one to trust
I'm restless and mad
And anciently sad
If someone wants to kill me
Go ahead but make it fast

7) Lost and Found - Ledisi

Wednesday, October 22, 2008


Yeah... That always sums it up for me. I am everything. No 1 thing is ever the answer.

I am fighting.
        Yet I’ve given up.
I am strong.
        Yet so powerless.
I am happy.
        Yet filled with such great sadness.
I am love.
        Yet bitter inside.
I am hope.
        Yet numb and dead already.

I just don’t know. I have these moments of clarity, breaths of fresh air, light... But they are always tempered with contradictions. Confusion, trapped, panic, and darkness. UGH.

I would say if people defined me by my passions they would somehow involve work, food, sleep, and music. But all of those have left me for now. And I feel bad for my friends and family. My mom is trying so hard to help. I don’t know how to kindly take this out of her hands. Lord knows what they think of me. I mean, I’m not even nice anymore. It takes so much energy just to maintain my composure, I just show up and grace everybody with my bad attitude. I walk around with my arms crossed and my voice with no inflection. I’m sure this isn’t the reaction they would want from me... Marisa, the most hyper, lively, arms flailing about, talking a mile a minute person they remember.

I know... this too shall pass...

I guess I don’t write much about my mom. Well, that’s not true, I’ve written a few things about her in the past (years ago), but that was a rough time in my life, and my reactions to her then were simply a product of that devastating time. My mom and I are 2 exceptionally strong willed stubborn women. We’re also extremely passionate and pretty hyper-sensitive to everything. You can only imagine the two of us together. The same, but SO different - it’s bound to be volatile... and usually comical too. But I love her and she loves me. It’s just our thing - our dance. I don’t think she believes I love her, but if only she knew how much I do. How much I’ve changed my entire life, just so she could be in it. Just takes time I guess.

Here’s what I find fascinating about life. We are ALL this way. We are all the same, yet SO SO different. Part of my struggle some days is how to fit in. I want to do what is good and happy and reassuring to others. (without losing myself) But all I really know how to do is treat people like I like to be treated. But some days I think I am totally crazy and so, like some fucked up Seinfeld episode, I pull a George and try to do the opposite of what my instinct says. Ha Ha

I notice this happening alot. I have a friend who is constantly saying and doing things that get me all worked up. That totally drain me. I’m confused as to how he is so confused. However, when I stepped back, what I really heard him saying is - “This is how I would like to be treated. This is what I would like someone to say to me. This is what I need.” We’ve talked about it and he admitted as much. But WOW did I have the opposite reaction! Sorry “friend”...

The same, but so different.

I have another friend to whom I just sent an email. I hope he doesn’t mind me sharing an excerpt of what I said to him. It was basically me saying, “Hey what’s up, I don’t know what to do... so I’m gonna tell you personal truth about me and see if it resonates. Or at least excuses the fact that I might not be reacting how you want me to, but my intention is in the right place and I hope you can see that... and also, since I don’t know what to do, will you to tell me what to do?” I wonder if that’s what he took away from the email? LOL

Here’s the part about the personal truth:

It's weird cuz my reactions to trauma and despair is to be like an injured animal. I want to run off into the woods and lick my wounds until things are better - in solitude. When it comes to my life I have a pretty rigid grip on serious decisions being made by me and only me. I have to do it myself. Learn it for myself (Even if it's the hard way) Make up my own mind. So, that makes friends sort of a dead issue. You can sit there and stare at me and listen to me and hug me and none of it changes anything until I come to it myself, until I'm ready. I like to just SIT thru the uncomfortableness until it passes.

But then I think back on some horrible times and I remember the few people who didn't forget about me. Who checked on me. Sometimes who just left me little things on my doorstep or sent me an email with no expectation of return conversations because I had no energy to do so, or came and forced me out every once and a while. And THOSE few people I will love forever because I was incapable of giving anything back and yet they expended the energy to show kindness anyways.

That is my natural reaction. To retreat. I don’t want to talk about it. Think about it. Have you touch me. Hug me. (Did you see the contradiction in the above too? cuz I kinda do... LOL)

Actually, as I’m typing this I’m thinking how unfair I am. I don’t trust many people. I don’t think many people see much value in me. Well, I think people see value in me when it’s EASY. When I’m happy and fun and generous... When I cater your party... When I spend money on you... But what about when it’s difficult? When I don’t laugh, or go out, or have anything good to say? Who is willing to hang in there with me? I don’t know if that’s a subconscious thing or not, but I’ll apologize now for basically admitting that a small part of my funk is now an admitted “test”... Oh brother, am I that typical of a woman? ha ha

SO, where am I going with all this? I don’t know. It’s all the same old thing. Me just rambling about where I am on the roller coaster of life. I don’t think it’s solving anything, but it does feel relatively therapeutic to write it all out. Maybe part of it is a whisper to my friends to hang in there with me. Let me work it out on my own. We’ll see what happens.

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