Friday, August 29, 2008

What does a $1,500 cup of coffee taste like?

Well, to be honest with you, I'll probably never find out. Not only do I not really care for coffee, but I certainly don't have $1,500.

However, today I was talking with a coworker who recently discovered his wife was spending nearly $200 a month at Starbucks. In an effort to cut costs (And in his accountant brain) he has deduced that $1,500 is a reasonable amount to spend on a coffee maker. Not only do you not skimp on quality, but it will pay for itself within 6 months.

Honestly, I LITERALLY fell out of my chair when he told me price. WHERE can you even purchase a $1,500 coffee maker, I ask? He tells me me he bought it from this store he can't even pronounce the name of. "Sur La Table" (Pronounced Sir La Tob) I say?

YES YES, that's it... Apparently they demo it for you, giving you potent cup after cup of the stuff until you are so jacked up you think you might die if you don't get that same fix tomorrow and you make your purchasing decision without all your faculties!

So tonight, As I'm doing my yoga, my mind began to wander... What does a $1,500 coffee maker look like? So I looked it up... and I made the most amusing discovery...

For $1,500 what you get is the rights to say you own the machine with the snobbiest longest craziest, could have only been invented by someone who had drank a whole pot of this liquid heroin name... AND IT IS THE...

DeLonghi® Esclusivo Magnifica Digital Super-Automatic Espresso Machine

I want you to pretend you've been up for 4 days on a weekend gone wrong crank bender and then yell out that name.

WOW... the DeLonghi® Esclusivo!!! Magnifica!!! Digital Super!!-Automatic!!! Espresso Machine !!!!!!!!
If it wasn't so long that I can't even remember it, I would say that all the time!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

SpiderGate 08 - Update

Well, there is no end in sight to the reign of terror these spiders have at my house!

After my harrowing ordeal last night, my dad was kind enough to drop his car off for me and take the death trap home. Although, according to my mom and to my amusement, he stopped 3 times to jump out of the car proclaiming “There’s spiders in this car!” So at least I know it wasn’t just me! We’ve looked and sprayed and everything, but couldn’t find any... I’m just one nervous driver with my finger on the trigger now. (SHIVERS)

So anyways, my dad is very heroic, and was kind enough to come over last night - in shorts and sandals armed with nothing more than a flashlight and a can of carburetor cleaner - and save a household of helpless women from imminent death!

He killed 15 black widows! 1 which attached itself to the broom I gave him and rode his web flying into my living room to my screams of terror as I was behind my dad and this thing was FLYING after him! NO ONE is getting a good nights sleep in Woodward Lakes, that’s for sure.

SOO, don’t think it’s over... I’m not done yet!!

THIS MORNING, I get up early again. My car is parked in the driveway, not the garage. DON’T ASK ME WHY, but instead of going out the garage door like I ALWAYS do, today I thought, I’m gonna go out the front door.

AND ACCCKKKK! I walk smack dab into a HUGE web and there is the grandma of all widows right out in the open on the wall of my house under my doorbell!!


So I run back in the house, put my armfull of stuff down, grab the spider spray we have (Dad took home the caburetor cleaner) and I foamed the shit outta this thing and then smashed it with my shoe! UNBELIEVABLE! So apparently my fear of spiders is not paralyzing, just terrifying.

All proud of myself, I put the spray away, grab my stuff and head back out the door. I round the corner, look to my left and BAM!!! Big as a quarter is another great grandma of a widow on the wall of my house! I’m so amazed I don’t even scream this time! I run back in, put my stuff down, get the spray and KILL her too!!! FUCKING UNREAL IS WHAT THAT SHIT IS!

!!! EPIDEMIC !!!

So I’m in a conquering mood today. I have successfully triumphed over evil this morning and I’m living another day to tell you my tale.

Monday, August 25, 2008

The day my life flashed before my eyes...

To all my loyal readers - I almost died today. I know you all think I'm dramatic. And that's okay because I know the truth. And I almost seriously died. I'm taking a moment from my busy Monday to document how happy I am to be alive, although my adrenal glands are officially shot. DONE. FINISHED. It will take at least 2 Red Bulls to get me out of bed tomorrow (and possibly a tranquilizer to get me in my car to go home)

Let me give you some background here. I live with 2 other girls. 2 girls who sometimes look to me as the man of the house. I'm not quite clear on this part, but when the garage door breaks - they call me. When there is a spider in their room - they call me. I know nothing about garage doors and I have a literal and paralyzing fear of spiders. But that's how it goes around my place :)

Not daddy long legs, not the little ones on the webs you see here and there. I was raised in the country... I can handle a spider... But the last time Melissa had a spider in her room, it went a little bit like this (But MORE painful, and MUCH MORE SCREAMING!!!!)

So, as I may have mentioned in a past blog, my dad and brother came over and demolished nearly THIRTY black widows from around and INSIDE our house! We have quite the problem.

This morning was ALMOST the end of me. 1st of all, today is the first day of school. So traffic is nothing but a plague. I get up at 5:55am and get ready so I can be out the door early! I'm in my car by 7:10am and I'm driving along Friant to get on the 41 - I'm just going under the overpass to go through the meter right as traffic blocks you in and stops.

Have you ever felt like you had a hair on your arm? OH MY GOD! I look down at my left arm and, ladies and gentlemen, this was no hair! It was a spider crawling its way down my arm towards my elbow. And not just any spider. It was definitely NOT a wolf spider, a house spider, or a brown recluse... but I'm pretty sure it was a male black widow. (The females are the ones with the bulbous body - the males have the same legs, but flat back) It had those long legs that you can FEEL on you.

In my SHEER TERROR I scream and frantically brush it off of me. NO WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHERE DID IT GO?!?!?!?!?!?



There is a spider in my car, I'm trapped in my car, I can't pull over, I'm on the on ramp in rush hour traffic!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK ack is that it on my leg, is it in my pants, is it on my foot, How do I get out of the car, this wasn't a daddy long leg, this was poisonous, omg omg omg omg omg omg

WHITE LIGHTS.... I see the white light at the end of the tunnel.

I pretty felt like I was James Bond and the bad guy had stashed a viper under my seat to do me in. As a matter of fact, I have a disgruntled neighbor who keeps mentioning he wants to let Cobras loose in his yard to deter cats pooping there - I better check on that.

Otherwise, I called screaming and crying and hysterical for back up and got off the freeway at the soonest available exit and jumped around until someone showed up to check my hair and clothes and car for the terrorist. I know you are all shaking your head and thinking this is ridiculous. It is. And it's embarrassing to even admit this. But truth is, I've never been so scared in all my life. It was simply horrific and traumatic.

We never found the spider and that was just about the most tense I've ever been driving my car to work. I don't quite know how I'm going to get home yet either. Most likely he is living in my car now. God help us all.

But for now I'm thankful to be alive.


Sunday, August 24, 2008

My Current Aggravation

I am so annoyed right now. Well, not right now RIGHT NOW... but in general. I think most people are ignorant mother fuckers. (Yikes, I'm sounding really mean tonight, aren't I?!)

I'll explain. And 1 more time, I'll see if I can't explain my neurosis down to the most minute detail until I get on your nerves.

So today I take a trip to run errands around town. For those of you who don't know, I'm on a canvas bag kick. Have been for years and always try to bring my own bags. I started out at TJ Maxx and got a few things. I had them put my few items into a large canvas bag that I have. Then I went over to Target.

I of course, wasn't planning on purchasing much, but that's what Target does so I had a few more things than I could probably fit in 1 bag. I explained in great and painful detail to the checker that I did not want to waste any plastic bags. To please fill this bag and then shove everything else into a 2nd plastic bag and I don't care how its in there because nothing is breakable/smashable.

1st he hands me a bottle of nail polish from my cart. I said, what is this for? He says, "I thought you might want to keep this out with you. I was like... "No, that's ok, it can go in the bag with the rest of the stuff." This really doesn't have anything to do with the story except to maybe enlighten you that he may not be the sharpest tool in the shed. Who needs to emergency paint their nails at the checkstand or in the car? Most times, the polish can go in the bag I'd think. He later handed me my soda and gum (Which is customary) so I don't understand the polish thing AT ALL!

So, anyways, back to me burning down Target... Oh wait, I think I got ahead of myself there. So as I'm getting my credit card out and processing my payment (early to keep the line moving, thank you!)(*Please read my "I am not slow" rant for further clarification) I look over the counter and see him just using 1 plastic bag for each item. I was like, no no, what are you doing? Please FILL THIS BAG full and then fit everything else into ONE bag! He then takes the individually wrapped items I have and puts them in 1 big bag. SIGH. Why would you individually wrap a mop head or a bottle of advil?

I swear to god, I'm going to come unglued one day. 1 wrong set of circumstances and I'm going to lose it in public. Just fucking lose my mind. I don't know what I'll do, but I'm positive it will involve the looney bin and possibly some sort of conservator of my estate... LOL

Take a second to review one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies. This guy totally loses it and I LOVE IT! This makes me laugh out loud every time I watch it. I just watched it 5 times and I'm still chuckling!

I think the problem isn't so much that people don't think about this stuff, or even that they don't care, but it's really a big "FUCK YOU" to me... because I stopped everything to explain what my bagging expectations were and they SO did not happen. So instead of 1 plastic bag, I came home with SIX bags. SIGH.

And yes, yes, I know - what a horrible life I have where the worst thing to happen to me in ages is when an incompetent cashier at Target uses too many plastic bags... or I see a bad commercial on TV - I KNOW. But that's what I was inspired to write about and you can all be glad it wasn't another rant about toilet paper!

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Inane Competitiveness

Well... That about covers it. I'm in a race. A competition. Who can fill their day with the most random and unimportant shit. I'll start - see if you can beat me.

1) I went to bed at 10 pm and slept until 10:30 am. Not bad. 12 hours down.

2) I got up and watched making the band and ate pesto torta and crackers with an energy drink for breakfast.

3) I took a shower.

4) I gave the dog a bath.

5) I rotated my mattress.

6) I steam cleaned the carpets in the house.

7) I cleaned the grill that is built into my stove.

8) I detailed my car.

9) I cleaned the garage and swept all the webs around the house.

10) I took apart and cleaned my vacuum cleaner. It seemed too dirty to "clean" something and needed a good scrubbing.

By this time I realized it was only 2:30 :( I went thru my recipe book and picked out what I wanted for dinner. I called my parents and went over to their place and made them dinner.

Tell me you have ever had a more productive day. I doubt you have! I also doubt you were as sad and mopey and I have been! Today totally sucked! But anyways... what have you been up to?

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Draw the line in the sand

Yes my friends... I need to hear your collective battle cries here.

I am a lone soul waging war against Charmin the toilet paper conglomerate. It’s Tiananman Square all over again. (Not that I really know what happened there, but I’m pretty sure it was one ballsy asian business man standing in front of a tank... LOL)

I want you to know that simply as a boycott to how much I HATE their advertising, I refuse to purchase Charmin toilet paper. Ask my roommates... They have a Costco sized load of it in the closet and I go buy my own, thank you very much!

I know, I know - nobody reads this and thinks it’s a problem. All they think is, God, this Marisa chick has some major issues...


What’s it going to take to make you understand here? Have you seen the most recent one? It’s not bad enough - the whole bear debacle of the millennium - now they are mixing it with food. Last night, I sat at my parents, an unsuspecting victim of visual abuse as I watched a family of bears slop around scoops of different colored ice cream.

I don’t even know how it relates... I DON’T KNOW! But I’ll tell you one thing I DO KNOW. I don’t like thinking about eating ice cream and using the restroom in the same thought process.


Sunday, August 17, 2008

The fulfilling illusion of cleanlisness and my will to survive against nature...

hahahahaha - what a title eh? Let me explain (And just keep reading, I will bring it full circle)

Years and years ago, there was this show on PBS called "The 1800's House - and it was awesome. They basically did REAL reality TV and took people and put them in the old house and they had to live like it was 1800 with lye and coal and whatever was available at the time. I suppose they were weatlhy 1800's people cuz they had electricity and the first light bulbs and they had a maid, etc... but still - it was a cool show. The women wanted to die from the corsets and it was just a lot of work.

Well, one of the things on the show that stuck with me, was at the end. I guess, not only did they have to wash their clothes by hand, but they had to scrub with lye and amonia and vodka or whatever the original cleaners were. We're talking no lemon pledge here... No lemon ANYTHING! So after the show was over, one of the things the family was saying is how ASSAULTED with scents they were when they got out. There was lotion, and detergent, and cleaners, and pinesol and it was overwhelming.

Now, I have a house cleaner. And every other Thursday is a joyous day for me. I LOVE to come home and see the lines in the carpet and the pillows fluffed and new sheets on the bed, etc etc. However, in an effort to be more responsible and eco friendly I have recently made the conversion over to all natural cleaners. It's a decision I have made to help save the environment and also because I think those harsh chemicals can't be healthy to inhale all the time. HOWEVER, I have to say every other Thursday has lost some appeal. There is something to be said for opening your garage door and choking on the ever apparent smell of lemon and bleach. Now I walk through the house and I think - did she even come today? Well, the money on the table is gone - I guess so.... (FROWN) It's not like the house smells bad - it just doesn't smell at all. And I hate it. I want it to smell like lemons gosh darnit! The house could be MORE clean, but isn't it funny the illusion of cleanliness we are now obsessed with? Okay, so that's all I had to write about it. I just returned from the grocery store after resisting many isles of internal dialog to buy some 409 and Pledge and Pinesol and really get the house all scented up again - so I figured I had to write about it.

Now, all that being said - does anyone realize the fact that spiders are taking over the world. This is just like that Mimic movie where the cockroaches took over the world. LOL (Well, I haven't watched it in a while, but it was something like that) I'm not good with math here, but there was a black widow in my garage not smaller than my fist this afternoon that I had to kill.

Of course, it's been a while since I lived in the country and I got WD-40 confused with carborator cleaner (The best black widow killer ever) so really what I did is run into my garage and just really grease up and enrage a poisonous and terrifying creature! OMG. I got it though. And 3 others!!! I had to call in backup for the one under the keypad/gate entrance to my complex... But for a couple days things should be ok. That is unless the family of venomous death that lives under the threshold of my front door decides they want a piece of me. And I'm positive theres one living under my entertainment center, but I haven't quite determined if my heart is healthy enough to tackle those beasts yet. I'll keep you posted!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

A disturbing epidemic!

Okay people, prepare yourself for this one because I plan on talking about some truly gnarly stuff here. I want to talk about advertising. Particularly commercials on TV.

There are some of you out there whom I’ve already covered this topic with in great detail, but I don’t think any action is being taken here and I NEED ANSWERS! I live in fear of the assault to my sensibilities that happens when I turn on the tube.

Here is the biggest offender. Toilet paper. Yeah, I said it - the days of “Squeezing the Charmin” are dead folks. Now we have whole families of bears taking a very difficult dump ON PRIME-TIME TV! We’re talking squinting, steam coming out the bears ear, and nothing more than a twig for a tree blocking his “business” with the whole family watching! REALLY?! The latest one is the momma bear chasing around the baby bear because he has little shreds of toilet paper stuck to his butt. Which one of you is using your toilet paper like it’s a Mr Clean Magic Erase bar on your “business” until it disintegrates? Apparently enough of you practically had to call for emergency assistance until the toilet paper industry as a whole had to respond with more “DURABLE” toilet paper.


On a very non-intellectual note, who doesn’t NEED toilet paper? Do we even have to advertise it? You WILL be going to the store and you WILL find the toilet paper isle and you WILL purchase it. And you can read labels and squeeze it and price check it, blah blah blah when you are there in front of it... But some of us watch TV while they eat dinner and I can’t take it anymore! I’ve seen every commercial from a dog pushing the toilet paper roll thru the house, to strange little people hand quilting my TP. I don’t like the thought of other people touching my toilet paper. They even had one for toilet paper with ridges on it for when you really have to dig in deep back there.

I can’t make this up. and... I... AM... HORRIFIED...!

I also have never made an escape rope out of tied together tampons in order to escape a party while wearing a head to toe all white outfit. Ummmm, WHAT?!? You also don’t need to advertise your Maxi-pads and end the commercial with “PERIOD” and a big red dot either. That’s just disgusting!

I can’t take it anymore... This is why I have TiVo! Because I may just do something drastic one day if I’m unable to escape the IN YOUR FACE advertising tactics of corporate america.

God Help Us All!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

The 29th Verse

Tell me this isn’t just what I needed to read today. For those of you who don’t know, I’ve been on quite the spiritual journey lately. I don’t know. Maybe a journey for inner peace is a better way to word it. So I decided to read the “Tao Te Ching” because I do gravitate a bit towards eastern philosophies. The Tao has 81 simple verses of ancient and divine wisdom. Some are random and then some strike you right between the eyes. That’s what verse 29 did to me.

29th Verse

Do you think you can take over the universe and improve it?
I do not believe it can be done.

Everything under heaven is a sacred vessel and cannot be controlled.
Trying to control leads to ruin.
Trying to grasp, we lose.

Allow your life to unfold naturally.
Know that it too is a vessel of perfection.
Just as you breathe in and breathe out,
there is a time for being ahead
and a time for being behind;
a time for being in motion
and time for being at rest;
a time for being vigorous
and a time for being exhausted;
a time for being safe
and a time for being in danger.

To the sage all of life is a movement toward perfection,
so what need has he
for the excessive, the extravagant, or the extreme?

Tell me that isn’t the heaviest shit you’ve read in a while!!! I take that back, think about ME and then tell me that isn’t dead on everything I’m about. I am ALWAYS trying to take over the universe. To wrestle everything into my little hands. I want to control everything and everyone that comes into my personal space. I’m always desperately grasping at everything. I take no time to rest, I deny my exhaustion, and leave NOTHING to circumstance (or to unfold naturally) I’m 20 miles a minute and 20 years ahead trying to manipulate and plan the entire world. I think many people would say I am MUCH (Excessive) and that I swing from one side to the other like a pendulum (Extreme)

MY GOD - how did Lao-Tzu know me all those ages ago?

It doesn’t really give me an answer to any of this, but I think our true power lies in “awareness”. If there is even ONE MOMENT where I am aware that I am acting like the above and I can stop myself and spare myself the ulcer I must be growing inside from fighting such a monumental and apparently losing battle - then that is powerful.

What do you think? Does anyone even read these?

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