Thursday, February 26, 2009

Affordable affluence, Cucumber Dreams, & Conversational Civility

Things on my mind...

1) How come so many homeless and poor people are fat? Isn't obesity a sign of affluence? Okay, talking any more about that subject will get me in trouble - I was just wondering.

2) Am I the only one who sees the cleaning companies diabolical scheme to sexually frustrate American homes everywhere? There are plenty of studies out there saying that the scent that "turns on" a woman is cucumber. (Yes Yes, save your phallic jokes for someone else) The scent that "turns on" a man is lavender. (also pumpkin pie, but everyone loves that, so that's weird)

Anyways, now I'd like you to go do a little research. See if you can find any dish soap, fabric softener, or cleaning spray that isn't freakin' cucumber or lavender!! I know most women think a man that does chores is sexy, but this is starting to take on more meaning.

3) What happened to SHAME? Why is everyone so comfortable with talking about things they shouldn't? If I run into you at the grocery store and ask where your husband is, DO NOT tell me about his case of explosive diarrhea!! A simple "he's not feeling well" would have sufficed. I don't need or want to know the details of your lactose intolerance, your intestinal gas, acid reflux, your last really good bowel movement, heartburn, or that time you had the flu. There used to be a time when we didn't speak about such things. I'm a visual person too. Any and everything you say to me, I picture you doing. My brain works in pictures. This is probably why I have an INTENSE aversion to bathroom humor, but anyways - please people - a little conversational civility would be MUCH APPRECIATED!

Well, those were just a few things on my mind tonight. Hope they brought about at least a chuckle.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Death by a thousand cus

It is the cut. The unexpected sting. I thought I was prepared, but I didn't see it coming. I willingly did it though. I pressed forward knowing there would be UNknown. My future lay in Pandoras box. I had to open it.

As I gasp for air, I now ask 'what did I do?' The weight is so heavy. It challenges my inner strength. I take a deep breath to steady myself. Softly I whisper 'This too shall pass. Just go in, Marisa. It's what you agreed to do. It's what they expect you to do. It is what they NEED you to do.'

It is the cut. My tender skin splayed open. At first cold, then warm as the blood burns forth. I press it to my lips seeking relief, but oh how fleeting.

The clock tick tocks. Slow and heavy it thuds, every second taking it's precious time. Stealing MY time. One more minute. One more hour, siphoning away my will, my joy.

As I drift to into the void, seeking that happy place where this is not my existence, voices weave their way through my subconscious. Instructions. Proddings. Reminders of my failings.

It is the cut. A now familiar ache as another wound reveals itself. New and old, together they make a collective cry.

Pseudo-friends approach. Reassure. Their smiles tender, their soft spoken eyes beckoning me to follow. As I take that step, I remember the judgment. The shame. The abandonment.

It is the cut after cut. I beg for it to stop, but my cries remain unanswered. Flesh now exposed and raw; I am the essence of pain. Every movement seers. I recoil in surprise at how overwhelming it is, but that only brings more discomfort.

I lay down and drown myself in tears. Why did I open that box? Like a woman hearing the caustic words of her lover and begging him to just hit her, I pray for them to finish this.

Instead, another cut.

It is my life of pain and my death by a thousand cuts.

Do they know I am slowly dying so that they think I may live?

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Exhibit A

I would like to enter into evidence Exhibit A:

This - my friends - is a skill of mine.

The picture on the left is a self photo. I take a fucking awesome self-photo! I'm rocking the glasses, drink in hand, smooth skin = rockstar.

The photo on the right.......... Yeah, the one - the one that goes online - the one where I'm the scared girl standing in the corner with fists pressed together in a nervous attempt to steady myself? Yeah, that's the one someone else took of me.

SIGH. Same night - 'bout 3 minutes apart. I take an awesome self pic, but I freeze up or make a face or SOMETHING twitchy happens when someone else attempts to take my picture. GAH!

Can anyone say #EPIC FAIL ?!?!?!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Mother earth loving vegetarian goes on shooting rampage.

Alright, here's the deal. It's midnight. I had a pretty decent evening, went to a local TweetUp, had a nice dinner, and was really looking forward to getting into bed and doing some blogging.

Mostly because I've been making my list and I just know you all want to understand how my dinner conversation included the following topics:

A butterfly is to the vagina what a canary is to a coal mine
600 monkeys is TOO many monkeys (1 monkey is too many)
Crochet Underwear and pants
Dynomite and amputee shadow puppets
Possums make great pets
Naked (& public) fire starter
High heels = chicken pox

Yes, yes, riveting! Tell me more you say...

Well, I can't. There is a dog outside my window and he has not stopped barking for 29 minutes. I'm totally wishing California didn't have such a strict gun law because


In fact, THERE ISN'T MUCH that's stopping me from setting fire to my neighbors house right now just to make the insanity STOP. OH MY GOD! SHUT UP!!! I can't think of anything else. On that note, here is a LOVELY animation for your viewing enjoyment. :)
Image and video hosting by TinyPic
*Yes,those are my awesome flannel sheets with a moose on them!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Envious Cravings...

Well, I'm sure that title sounds a lot sexier than what I'm actually talking about.

I've essentially typed and then deleted two very long blogs. Actually, though, I love re-reading my blogs because I'm fascinated with the perfect capturing of a moment in time, a moment in my head... and these things even I didn't want to re-read so they had to go bye-bye! They were too long winded and detailed with an overbearing sad desperation. Who needs that!?

Somehow, though, when the right subject strikes me, I HAVE to write about it. I wrestled with telling you stories, with analogies, with timelines, with stories insides stories, yet it wasn't until I laid here in bed that the words came to me.

"I am envious of simplicity, but I crave complexity."

Yup, that's it. Put one more notch in my "contradiction" headboard will ya? I wanted to regale you with information about my deepest thoughts and innerworkings. I had a whole paragraph dedicated to the "Photosynthesis of Sorrow." There were quotes from books and feelings and more, but everything sort of boiled down into that one sentence.

Sometimes I think it’s hard to be me.

*PS - I don't know why this post required a picture of me, but I found the top at Nordstrom Rack this weekend and I think it's super cute, so whatever...

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My life in The Bell Jar...

Anyone read that book The Bell Jar? I got clear to the end before I realized she had gone crazy. Actually, she made PERFECT sense to me the entire way through and I’m not sure what that means. HA HA HA.

Today's early morning meeting at work ended with a motivational video about the importance of AA. Attitude and Activities (which they say are the only 2 things a person can control) In case you didn’t know, I’m list maker from birth. Eventually I will be the crazy lady with many crazy scribbles of paper surrounding me, but for now, I just have a regular list. Read my Bonus #10 & #11 for further proof.

Is it crazy that I made a list of making this post about making a list? Here’s a pic of me with my Work To Do list and my Blog topics list.

These were the things I thought the world should know. Seriously, when I die and you all rush to my blog to read what makes me ME, what will you all think? How crazy do you all think I am?

1) There is a lady here at work who keeps here hair brush on the counter in the bathroom. It’s a crappy brush with her name scrawled in marker on it. I’m sure we have a problem with people stealing anonymously used hair brushes around here. Actually, if someone would steal a used hairbrush, maybe they would just USE it leave it there for you to catch something. It bothers me SERIOUSLY! Funny that she would mark HER stuff, but she’s the one responsible for “THIS”... sooo.... ummm.... Now I’m upset all over again!

2) Has anyone seen the commercials for Smooth Away ?? This is commercial grade sandpaper being marketed as a hair removal technique for women! Hell, Why not sell lava or battery acid? How come you don’t throw in a free belt sander? Outrageous!

3) The vent fan in the women’s bathroom here sounds like someone just started up a diesel generator! It’s distracting and a bit scary.

4) I feel that if I drink 1 thermos of water for every bottle of soda - it has a balancing effect and then I won’t need a kidney transplant.

5) Do other people think/write lists like this?

6) I like that commercial where those old ladies do donuts in their kitchen and then drive ALL THE WAY to the top of the Grand Canyon in their Hover-round carts. My grandpa had a Jazzy with an orange flag on the back of it - that was cool!

7) What’s up with that Octuplets mom? I couldn’t even watch the whole TV interview last night. She’s SO wackadoodle it doesn’t make any sense and I think the public should be outraged. I’m extra offended because I don’t even like kids and have no desire to even have ONE... The idea of FOURTEEN is enough to make me get my tubes tied for realz yo!

8) I am funny. I clicked back a couple posts to research my “click here” links and started laughing. Of course the world needs to read this and laugh along with my neurosis/psychosis/crazy/I don’t know even know ideas. HA HA HA

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Airing My Grievances

Seems there has been much talk over the “25 things about me” bulletin that’s been going around on Facebook. I personally don’t “GET” Facebook, but anyways... I always have little 1 liners that pop into my head of things that totally annoy me and I think to myself, I should write a blog about this, but then I don’t really have enough to WRITE about and it never seems to happen. Plus, I write a lot of “meme’s” and “10 things about me” and no one ever responds, so I’m giving up...

And you get... my list of grievances/pet peeves/annoyances/whatever. Can you relate to any of these or is it just me? Please share! I read some GREAT ONES *HERE*

1) TV Commercials. Hate them. (And I work in advertising LOL) But no commercial I’ve ever done has involved a bunch of people with herpes in a community pool, bears eating ice cream and taking group poops together (Click HERE or HERE), grandma peeing her pants while playing tennis, talking toe fungus, a woman wearing white pants making an escape rope out of tampons, or any type of erection. Seriously, is there no shame anymore? BRING BACK THE SHAME!

2) Spastic People. If you sent me an email - don’t get all impatient and then immediately call me and ask if I got your email and then proceed to tell me what you said in your email.

3) Eating out 1. When I ask if you have Mountain Dew and they reply “No, but we have Sprite.” I swear to God I’m going to freak out on someone. How is Mtn. Dew ANYTHING like Sprite? Why can’t you just say “NO, Sorry.” ARG...

4) Eating out 2. Waiters/Waitresses who don’t know their menu. I haven’t eaten meat or meat products in so long that I get sick now. Is that soup or rice made with chicken broth? Lard in the refried beans? Anchovies in the caesar dressing? If there is and you don’t tell me I’ll be throwing up all night, So this isn’t me trying to be difficult, I just need to know.

5) Eating out 3. When you tell a waiter/waitress that you are a vegetarian in order to ask questions about the menu and they say... do you eat fish? Since when did a fish lose its classification as a living animal?

6) Poser Vegetarians. If you don’t eat red meat, that doesn’t make you a vegetarian. That just makes you a person who doesn’t eat red meat. I’ve heard it all - they call themselves a “beady eyed vegetarians” because they only eat things w/ beady eyes like fish and chicken. That’s SO DUMB!

7) Stereotypical Drivers. Why does everyone who owns a Prius go 35mph or under. I KNOW they can go faster. And it’s never in the slow lane... always somehow they block ALL lanes of traffic. (For another traffic stories click HERE.) I teeter on the edge of insanity here.

8) Certain Sayings. People who say 'holla at your boy' or ‘spank you very much’

9) Short People. Hold on, hold on - that’s not as bad as it sounds. It’s just, I’m only 5’7” but there are so damn many of you 5 footers out there it’s changed the market. Now if Marisa wants to wear anything other than Capri’s, she has to pay $250 for a long enough pair of pants. Also, dancing with you is difficult, I have to basically do lunges & squats all night and it sucks. (yes, i know lunges and squats sound like TERRIBLE dance moves... they are and I never claimed to be a good dancer, so there) Granted I shouldn’t have put on those 4” heels essentially making me 6 feet tall, but I digress...

10) Technology. Microsoft Windows (Because MAC RULES!)

11) TYPING IN ALL CAPITALS. Are ya kiddin me? Its crazy talk - just plain crazy. I INSTANTLY know you aren't quite right in the head if I'm getting a letter or an email and it's in all CAPS.

12) Incapable Women. I guess I know a few girls who don’t cook, but it bothers me. I think my generation of women is in serious crisis.

13) Being Cold. Yeah, I know I’ve covered this a lot lately, but it’s a grievance, let me tell you! (Click HERE)

14) Carl’s Jr. Commercials. Someone had to say it... Are meat eaters and men really SO retarded that they can't even make their way in and out of a grocery store? And seriously, the dripping and the messiness... I am not in their demographic AT ALL!

15) Unnecessary Rudeness. Like people who insist on changing their cell phone ring tones in public. Or the guy 3rd in line at the gas station behind me who YELLS OUT to the cashier, “I’ve got some change coming to me on pump 8”... UMMM, SIR... You must be nearly 75 years old, is the concept of a FUCKING LINE new to you? How dare my fountain drink purchase get in your way. Clearly you are the only one with some place to go.

16) Dumb people. People who perpetuate chain letters, urban legends, and stuff that's just STUPID! No, there's not blood in ketchup, needles in movie seats, or AIDS on shopping cart handles... NO, that's not the latest virus - or you would have heard about it on every news station on the planet... NNNOOO, forwarding that shit does not make something pop up on your screen, give you the answer to a joke, or make you money. Or did it just not work the last 200 times, but you're willing to try it again? GOSH! Make the idiocy stop!

17) Stick shift cars. I used to drive one, but I probably couldn’t now. However, PLEASE, tell me why I would pay THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS (or more) for something that requires me to use both arms and both legs? Seriously, why? Oh I’m sorry, did no one tell you they invented one that does all that shit for you? You press the gas pedal and it just goes. No brake, and then clutch, and then check the RPMS, and check clutch again, and then scream in terror as you roll back downhill into oncoming traffic. It’s called technology people - get with the times!

18) Make-up. Actually I love make-up. It’s just a grievance that I NEED it. But also because I buy expensive make-up and wear it and then people say it looks like I don’t have any on. But when I don’t wear it, they say I look tired. However, they never say “OH, you didn’t wear any make-up.” I’m confused, and also annoyed, so thats how come Make-up is making my list!

19) The Cracker Barrel. I’ve eaten there too many times, that’s why! A single person can only eat fried okra so many times, although I kick ass at the peg game (Yeah, you know what I’m talking about)

20) Water. I don’t like drinking it. I do, but I don’t like it. Read about that HERE. Other grievances involving water: *When it’s humid or rainy or foggy or whatever, it makes my hair frizzy. *When the hot water runs out. *When city water tastes like chlorine and I have to buy those expensive filter refills for my Britta. * I don’t like swimming in open water like lakes because I believe in the whale sized catfish that live by the damn are going to eat me alive. The only reason I learned to water ski was to get up and on top of the water FAST where my cute little toes don’t look so yummy.

Is 20 enough for today. I’m sure I could go on.

Monday, February 9, 2009

What does this say about me?

It's a collection of my most commonly used words from my blog feed. HA!

You can get your own by clicking HERE!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Do your part people!

So, for those of you who don’t know, I try my best to be eco-responsible. I recycle, buy and support organic, local and free range produce, etc. I’ve switched all my bulbs over to compact fluorescents. I stopped using all those AirWick plug in things that constantly drain electricity and put chemicals in the air. I do my best to only buy cleaning products that I feel are concentrated and/or more natural. (I’m also a strict vegetarian, but I don’t know if that really applies to this topic so I’m not dwelling on it) I don’t buy bottled water and instead re-fill/re-use a thermos. I gave away all my tupperware and switched to corningware - it’s more durable and lasts longer. I purchased cloths to clean with instead of papertowels. I use dishes and not paper plates. I converted all my bills over to paperless statements. While it seems like I’m doing a whole lot here, it’s really not that much and I wish more people would see that spending $1 more or taking 5 extra minutes to make a better decision really does help make a difference.

Actually, I think most people do this so that the planet is a good place for their kids - I don’t have kids - so I don’t know why I’ve picked this cause... but I have.

For me, it seems most things boil down to waste and laziness. EVERYTHING is disposable now and it makes me SO sad. Seriously, you can’t own and wash a cutting board?? You would just use a cutting board (piece of plastic) and then throw it away? I just seem to come across A LOT of waste and excess and it’s disheartening the lack of energy people will dedicate to a worthwhile cause.

My biggest pet peeve is using plastic and paper bags at the store. And not just the grocery store, but ANY STORE! I have not been to a store that doesn’t sell their own version of a reusable bag. Target, TJ Maxx, Vons, and even Hollywood video offer canvas bags - yet there clearly needs to be some sort of orientation done down at the cashier/checker/bagger union. I’ve never had more blank stares in my life. Most times I have to physically INTERVENE and sometimes I even have to bag my own stuff

Here are some simple rules:

1) It’s canvas - it’s washable - do not wrap all of my items individually in plastic to protect my canvas bag
2) Do your job and PACK it properly. Do not just haphazardly shove a bunch of shit in there so it’s half filled up and then put the rest into plastic bags. Use your tetris skills - work it out.
3) Have some sort of self awareness that I’m doing this to AVOID using paper or plastic. How do you always find a way to put something in a plastic bag?

Yeah, that’s it, just 3. It’s a GIANT pet peeve of mine.

What I most recently started using are these:

I gather a great sense of accomplishment from leaving the store and being 100% eco-friendly.

My favorite bags are these:

Cheap, affordable, stylish, compact... You can’t get better than that.

I know most of you either care or don’t care already so this won’t change your mind, but I secretly hope it does. There is no reason our household should need to take the trash out every day. With a little bit of effort we take it out about once a week and we only put our bins out every other week. Even if you don’t change, just pay attention every time you throw something away. It may surprise you.

Funny thing about being cold... it's not funny at all!

I am always cold. Like Marisa needs to have her Thyroid checked cold. Like I have on a jacket and a blanket on my lap and a heater under my desk RIGHT NOW cold. I hate being cold. (Weather forecast shows it should be 73 and sunny today... so umm... something is just wrong with ME here)

I was really cold in urgent care the other day. When they checked my temperature it said 98.4 - not that .2 degrees means much of anything, but I had a little chuckle and thought YEAH... I AM ACTUALLY COLDER than the average person. Just enough .2 to be uncomfortable at all times. UGH.

So, I’m trying to come up with an affordable (Heating my house is not affordable BTW - PG&E standard of 68 degrees is fucking cold and still costs me $220 a month... AHEM...) way to keep warm.

I don’t have nearly the time it would take to develop a workout regimen. I say that because all of my big bad buff work out all the time guy friends sweat like pigs 24 hours a day due to much manly weight lifting (Or so they say)

I also don’t think I should be drinking on the job. Although, the movies have taught me that taking a shot of whiskey will WARM YA UP!

This is where I took a big leap and decided that me being cold is the same as me being drunk. Hang in there with me. They say right before you die from hypothermia you lose your dexterity. I can’t feel my fingers right now so if you had any idea how long this is taking me to type you’d know my work productivity is severely limited. All I can think about is how cold I am and therefore I'm not making good decisions. But isn't that what they always say about drinking alcohol? It hampers your dexterity, your clear thinking, your reaction time. OMG being drunk is the same as being cold!

Maybe I need to join WA (Weather Anonymous)... No that’s dumb - TA (Temperature Anonymous)... No that’s too close to T&A.. AH HA HA See what I mean about clear thinking diminishing? This must be why I find myself to be so hilarious. Clearly I’m delusional. The cold has seeped into my brain and killed my ability to complete a thought.

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