Thursday, April 5, 2007


I’m sure this entry will jump all over the place. Let me start out with this preface:


Now, I know I have a lot of pet peeves. I’m a pretty particular person actually. In fact, it’s been told to me it’s probably damn near impossible to live with me or be in any sort of relationship with me because of the high expectations I place on myself and others. Plus, I know I like things to be “just so” and in a certain “order” and for the “right reasons”... You know all that annoying crap that people get tired of dealing with? LOL Anyways...

Here’s a pet peeve for you. WHY?? WHY do you bother to email me, if you are simply going to call me LITERALLY FIVE SECONDS later to ask me if I got your fucking email? Jesus christ - if it is that important, wouldn’t you just call me FIRST? SIGH. DO NOT do this people!! If you email me and I (soon after) walk by, do not ask me if I got your email. My mail auto checks itself every FOUR MINUTES. I WILL GET TO IT! I’m already one of those annoying people who immediately responds to email, but at least give me 5 minutes to type my reply before you are calling me to see if I got it. GOD I HATE THAT!

Ever come to a point in your life where you realize your age and you’re okay with it? By that I mean, not that I’m okay with being “old” but just that I’m ready to act my age. Embrace my own maturity. Does that mean I’m not goofy and dumb and spontaneous and cool and all those things anymore - I don’t think so. But while 21 and 25 may seem different, there is SUCH A HUGE difference between 23/24 and 28/29. I’ve already been married and divorced... bought and sold houses... I’m done with school. I have a 401k. My mom is not listed on my bank account. And I can say I’m okay with that! I have my career. My furniture and appliances are things that I paid for with my own hard earned money, not hand me downs and that’s how I want it to be.

That being said, I’m probably not in the healthiest place right now. I’m healthy, but I’m a bit stressed. I’m juggling a lot. A lot in my home life, my personal life, my work life, and I even have some medical issues to sort thru. When these things happen upon me (and trust me, life is like a never ending roller coaster, this “point” has come and gone before and will come again) I sort of have a routine I fall into until it passes. Such as:

When my life is hectic and cluttered, I LOCK down my house. I clean and scrub and organize until there is not ONE thing to do. It’s mopped and polished to perfection. This is almost like a physical manifestation of my brain. A way of cleaning up all the clutter, sorting thru my thoughts, and refocusing myself. Then as I’m going about my day and I have a panicked moment where I think UGH, I have to go home and clean, I can go “No wait, everything at home is fine. That is your haven. It’s sparkling clean and awaiting your return.”

And upon my long drive towards my home I even secretly pray that no one be there. You know that quiet celebration you have when you know you have the house to yourself? Where you don’t have to be considerate, you can play music at 6 am when you take a shower or turn the TV up as loud as you want! Those are the moments I cherish. I suppose because I it is physically impossible for me to relax around others. I WILL ALWAYS have some sort of dialog in my head (a constant evaluation of the circumstances) to make sure everyone is happy, and what I should do, and how I should act, etc etc. But then I’m home alone and it’s just me. I don’t have to worry about ANYTHING or ANYONE!

Somehow having roommates on spring break doesn’t help me work thru this particular time in my life. I had to be the uncool old lady who shut down the drunken impromptu party thrown at 3am last Friday night. How uncool am I? Tuesday night I mopped and straightened and scrubbed the counters downstairs. I haven’t vacuumed yet, but that’s this weekend because I’m going to steam clean the carpets. However, yesterday they had a BBQ. I left work after an 11 hour day and chose to go work out some of my anxiety with 2 hours of intense yoga practice instead of being brow beaten at church or pretending to be cool at the BBQ. Got home at 9pm and the party was still in full swing. I realized I still wasn’t relaxed enough to entertain any of the youngin’s partying in my living room. I just needed things to be quiet. So I grabbed the dog and went to my boyfriends. He was just about the sweetest and had dinner made and even a glass of wine. We chatted for a bit and then went to bed in a quiet and empty house. Aaahhhh.

However, upon returning this morning at 6am I was just as surprised to NOT find my clean little slice of heaven. Cases of beer everywhere. Food left out. Things moved around. Oh, and even someone sleeping on my couch. Sigh... See what I mean about feeling your age?

Of course they will clean it up and it was 6am, but no one has the attention to cleaning detail that I have. I mean, it bothers me just knowing there is a dirty bathroom in my house even if I never use it, let alone when the mess and clutter migrates its way down to the living area where I have to be.

Now here they are, reading this and feeling guilty or bad. I will require that you read my disclaimer again at the beginning of this blog. This isn’t about you. This is about me. This is about the place in life where I am right now. I didn’t come home to a dirty house. I came home to a cluttered brain. I wasn’t upset that you threw a party. It’s your house too. I’m just tired and stressed out.

But as with everything, I lack the ability to really let something go until I say it/type it/write it. You know, release it into the universe. Now I’ve done that and I feel better. Party on Wayne!

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