Tuesday, December 29, 2009

On a scale of 1 to 10...

How gross would you say crotch sweat is?

I'm gonna say it's about an 8 - UGH!

Can you tell me why it is that I have a trainer who works my calves and my quads and my arms and my abs, but the only thing that sweats is my crotch?

Nothing more awesome than a cute 21 year old musclebound trainer seeing that. Yeah, wow, sorry Erik, how come I have to show you my absolute worst in order to eventually look my best?

Here I am, twice a week, letting you see me at my worst - complaining, in pain, sweaty, and smelly.

Yeah, WAAAAAY T. M. I.   I know, I know.


What's up with that ankle breaker?

Seriously... have you guys seen these new yellow bumpy traction pads?

Can anyone tell me what these are for??? Don't tell me traction! Don't tell me safety!

Have you ever tried to walk over these wearing high heels? Yeah, that sucker will throw you to the ground quicker than you can imagine.  Pretty retarded if you ask me!

I'm a clumsy person. I need all the help I can get. THESE DO NOT HELP!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Is NOTHING sacred?

This post requires back story - SORRY - put your reading glasses on, it's about to get intense. I have issues. You knew that already didn't you? :( Well, fooey on you!

Anyways, I may **MAY** have a slight problem with toilet paper advertising campaigns.
Commence reading HERE and HERE.

I like getting mail. Even if it's bills, I get really excited to seem my name on something. I'm weird I know, HOWEVER, this... This is HIGHLY inappropriate. This is OFFENSIVE.

I've never been more horrified in all my life! SERIOUSLY! Soften your "bottom" line...?  NO FUCKING WAY I just read that. NO WAY.

We will not even DISCUSS the need for "UltraStrong" toilet paper.

In fact, dear friends, I don't even think I can have this discussion anymore. It just makes me ill! Assaulting me in my home with this dirty pervert bear waggling his feces covered rear at me - I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Make it stop, will you? PLEASE!!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

The strangest thing just happened...

Well, actually it wasn't even close to THE strangest - I seem to attract STRANGE things... However, here's a little story for you.

As a side note, you should know, I'm a pretty chatty person. I smile and talk and make eye contact and say my please and thank you's and the whole bit. The store is kinda a big deal for me. I like the cashiers to know me and me to know them. It may be a chain store, but it's LOCAL - it's MINE and that's what I do...

A couple weeks ago I had to stop at the store and pick up a few ingredients and a couple bottles of wine from the grocery store for a potluck dinner I was going to later that evening.

As my stuff was being scanned, something happened with the cashier (NOT ON PURPOSE) and my bottle of La Crema fell over and the bottom of the bottle broke off! OMG WINE EVERYWHERE!

How do you think this situation worked out? What would be your reaction? There would be "A REACTION" right?

Ummmm, NO!

It was SOOO weird! She just picked up a rag, a small rag, and sort of blotted up a little bit. All the while my cheese and ranch seasoning and bread are being demolished. So I'm picking stuff up and it's dripping wine and the guy behind me in line and I are talking, I'm talking to the cashier, the bag boy... EVERYONE.

The entire... ENTIRE... E N T I R E  cleaning process, replacement of my tarnished products process, checkout process, and albeit "one sided" conversation clear through me signing the receipt she did not make eye contact, answer my questions, respond to my banter, or even acknowledge my existence. IT WAS FUCKING BIZARRE... !!!!!

I know it wasn't her fault - it's not like I expected her to say "I'm sorry" or anything, but possibly an "Oooops" or "Oh my gosh" or "Wow, I'm tired will this day ever end" or SOMETHING... RIGHT?  Wouldn't you say SOMETHING?!

Okay, upon review this was a lame story... but I found it to be so crazy!  I think I need to get out more.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Why my version of Christmas spirit involves killing mother earth...

OMG - this holiday crap is just that... CRAP!  Mostly because it doesn't matter how old I am, I'm always caught off guard by the insanity.  I'm only like one and a half sentences in and I already feel like this could wind up being a really long post. UH OH - I'll try to keep it quick.

My family has never and still doesn't celebrate holidays so I don't have many expectations for this time of year. I covered my Thanksgiving woe HERE... I still feel that way, but Christmas is a little different. I'm sorry, but if anyone was more meant for shopping, baking, decorating, wrapping, party planning, and gift baskets - it was ME ME ME!!! That's okay, there's really no law that says you can't do that year round right?

Actually, it's probably better to do it year round! Towards the end of the year, things get CUH RAY ZEE! Holy shit people, settle down. The obligation and intensity put into this business is mind boggling.

All I want to do is go to Costco and buy 10 tri-tips and some party plates. FUCK!! It was like roller derby or bumper cars but with shopping carts... the streets were packed... the stores were crowded... and LISTEN, I like this stuff. I love the excitement and the people watching, and evesdropping on the next isles convo, but WOW... Not this week! It's like zombies took over!!

Where's all the holiday spirit and smiles and people wearing aprons bringing over trays of fudge or the "merry christmas" smiles and greetings???

You poor retail cashier drones... When I have a project I can easily go to 10+ different stores in a day searching for just the right items. That's a lot of shopping, a lot of observations, a lot of everything - this makes me an expert. (I was just proving my credentials...)

However, I'm sort of a canvas bag nazi - I have this goal to never take a plastic or paper bag from anyone. I've written many angry posts about how poorly people pack a canvas bag or how wasteful people are packaging EACH ITEM in a different bag. The combination of all this craziness and stress and tension and deadlines and all the things I need being wiped clean from the shelves in some sort of frenzy leaves me a bit on edge myself. After the 4th store, I thought, you know what FUCK IT, could you put my plastic bags in a plastic bag please? I cannot fight you anymore. You broke me! I couldn't hand the bag and explain the purpose of the bag and request you fit all my items into one bag ANYMORE. YOU WIN! You cashiers are tired. You don't want to have chatty interaction with me. You don't want to talk or look or think or even be there for that matter, so OKAY. I GET IT. I will express my kindness and gratitude this Christmas season by allowing our mother earth to be a giant plastic landfill. Just whatever.

It's like Oprah. And YOU get a plastic bag! and YOU get a plastic bag! and YOU get to cut down a tree! and YOU get to help cause global warming... I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, I just know I hated it, but it was a kindness to let them go through their routine and get the hell outta there.

So there - Happy Holidays from me to you!

I've got you seeing red!

I may have mentioned I got my hair done last post... but I totally bailed on posting the pictures! SORRY about that!

Anyways, I'm not quite ready to cut my hair as I don't feel I've attained true "stripper hair" status just yet... but I do enjoy dabbling in color. I think anyone can be blonde! That's not a slam people!! I've been blonde before too, I just like to try it all!

Whatcha think?

I should have taken the pictures outside - it's A LOT more red than these pics show.

I should give a shout out to my hair stylist. His name is Troy Newland and he is currently located at Elan Salon on Bullard / West in Fresno, Ca. We've been together since 1999 and I think that's pretty impressive. He totally got my "Stripper Hair" interpretation too - that makes him SUPER cool!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

QUICK Update

Well, not much has been going on. I think I've taken on too many different things as I may have eluded to previously. I'm going to the gym 4-5 days a week, I'm working full time, I'm furiously recording videos of me cooking, I have family obligations, and I'm trying to be an overall good person while struggling with my annual end of year woe.

I just got my hair done today, but my camera ran out of batteries. I'll try to post the pictures as soon as it recharges.


Here's a cute picture of HarMar to tide you over until 2009 is over and I can regain some semblance and order to my life... and clean my room - I desperately need to do laundry and clean my room.

This is my little fatty. He's always standing by his bowl whining for more food. I'm pretty sure my roommates are feeding him in between when I am and he is definitely gaining weight! LOL

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

OMG WOW! I'm like Wonder Woman...

Truth is, I'm not that special. About 10 years ago I had pneumonia and due to complications from me having a desk job, my lungs took a hit.

Every time I go to the doctor he gives me a breathing test which I fail miserably. Now, when I get sick it goes straight to my lungs! My last doctors appointment was in June and I had 53% lung capacity. The doctor basically informed me that that's like asthma except instead of needing an inhaler, I just need to...

OMG - GASP - I feel short of breath right now...


So anyways, I finally have decided I'm ready to not be this way anymore and I got a trainer at the gym. He' a cute sweet muscle bound 21 year old named Erik that pushes me, hurts me, takes my money, and still leaves me coming back for more. HA HA We've been carrying on this abusive relationship for about a month now.

I'm seeing him 2 times per week with the agreement I do at least 30 minutes of cardio in between our visits. Instead of taking it easy, today I decided to try and push myself to see if I'm making progress.

Instead of a brisk walk, I took a stab at jogging. I was able to run at a steady pace for 30 minutes straight and actually made it 3 miles!!

You have no idea how huge this is for me and I'm just so beside myself with excitement and pride! I have to relish in this moment because tomorrow I will officially be a paraplegic. I'll never walk or run again, but right now, I am a marathoner! I am a medalist in the Olympics. I am Wonder Woman!

Saturday, December 5, 2009


Oh wow, were you nervous that I was changing and growing and just over here being awesome?

REST ASSURED, I'm still the clumsiest person you know!

After driving all around town on a wild goose chase for things I'm still going to wind up ordering online, go to my parents house and rush my mom to go get dinner. In my hurry to get out of the car and get into Qdoba, I shut the car door on my right hand middle finger.


Oh Yeah, and not just shut the door on and it bounces off sort of thing... this was a door shuts completely and clicks and pull your hand and it doesn't budge type thing.

O. M. G.

My mom screams and runs at me and I sort of had to yell at her to get away from me and not touch me so that I could have some space to compose myself. I'll be ok. I may never feel my middle finger again, but I'll be okay.


What else can I say?

Here's a picture of me about to eat a chocodile to distract you from my lifetime of klutzy suffering...

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Hey Hey! Look at me, I want in!

The word passion is a funny word. For all intents and purposes, I'd like to classify myself as a passionate person. There is an intensity deep inside me. How I talk and how I eat and how I work ebbs energy and desire. (NO, not in a sexual way!) I guess I shouldn't be talking about myself like that - makes me seem special which I wasn't trying to do.

Mostly, I'm writing because this passion, this intensity, this energy is like a drug. I can't get enough of it. I love being around people who are equally as passionate about what they do.  No one has an endless supply of energy - you have to do things and surround yourself with people that refuel you.

Here's my problem: I WANT IN. You like what you do? I want to do that too!

When I watched people running by my house in the Two-Cities Marathon, there was cheering and camaraderie and a goal and a reward and god-dammit I want to run a marathon!! I saw them in the throws of near death. I have 53% lung capacity. I haven't run since 4th grade. BUT WHEN I SAW the commitment, the excitement, the PASSION all I could think was "I should start training!" I went and bought running shoes. I hired a trainer at the gym. Isn't this ridiculous?

There's so much good in this world and sometimes we don't know it until a friend shows us the way. I just can't shake the thought that if someone else loves something, maybe I'll love it too! Am I missing out on something?

I know someone online who likes to knit. Most of what she talks about involves yarn and dyeing yarn and meeting with groups to knit together. If you see her at a dj event or a concert or even a grocery store checkout, she's knitting. There's no denying her passion for this venture. I WANT TO DO THAT TOO!! Maybe you don't know this, but my grandma taught me how to crochet. I have a blanket half done in my closet? Do you know I dug that sucker out and I have set myself a goal of finishing it by spring time???

Truthfully, sometimes I think I need an intervention. I just keep dividing myself and dividing myself until I'm doing 10 millions things. I'm chasing that high. I want to eat and talk and sleep and watch TV and cook and sit and blink and do EVERYTHING at level 10.

There is another woman I've met who is well spoken and funny and kind. Her passion? Rescue dogs. She fosters dogs, helps out at the shelters, and lives and breathes finding these pups good homes. I work 12 hours a day, I'm training to be a runner, and trying to crochet a blanket. Shouldn't I foster a dog too? I WANT IN! Who loves their dog more than me? Shouldn't I spend weekends doing that?


I already have 2 blogs, a cooking show, a full time job, and a family that gets about zero of my attentions... STOP ME! When you divide and take on more and more, you can do a lot of varied things, but you can't do them well. It saddens me to know that by trying all these new things, I'm essentially giving up the option of being the best at any one thing.

Does anyone else experience this? What's it like to find one thing that you love and perfecting what you do?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Unstable fixations - Part 2 - HARMAR!!

Have you ever watched that show, The Dog Whisperer?  He always talks about the dogs being "unstable" when they fixate on things like your vacuum cleaner.  Is it weird when you're the human, but you fixate on your dog? WHOA - I should do drugs and totally trip out on that one.


Anyways, I could ramble on and on (That post is coming) but pictures are so much easier and as much as it hurts me that you don't hang on my every word, I need to remind myself that the world needs more pictures of the cutest dog on earth.

Therefore, it's like, pretty much, my fiduciary responsibility to oblige.




(Oh My God - THE SHAME)
I'm sorry, I don't even do the Christmas thing, but this is priceless!

Unstable fixations - Part 1 - COLOR!!

OMG - have you guys been outside? Fall is my favorite favorite favorite season! I actually think spring is pretty awesome too, but right now I am SO enamored with fall, it's not even funny. I keep taking pictures of trees and hoping that one of them will be able to express even an ounce of the vividness I see in my wonderful eyes!  How am I doing?

This tree is across the street from my kitchen window. It's like a rainbow!!

Speaking of rainbows... I saw a real rainbow last week. I got so excited. LOOK!

Oh My Gosh You Guys! I just want to walk around and stare at every tree and soak in the COLOR! What are you fixated on? Am I the only one walking around with my camera in hand and my head up in the trees?

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