Tuesday, September 4, 2007


So I had an interesting conversation last night about intellect and emotional intelligence. I haven’t quite figured out which one is better to have. Although I would say (and have been told by others) that I am fairly perceptive and pretty in touch with my emotions. Most EVERYTHING I “Feel”. I can reason stuff out factually too, but ultimately I think I trust what my gut tells me. It may get me into a bit of trouble (LOL) but I don’t think I would change anything. It has gotten me far. I also think that when you FEEL, the world is a brighter place. Of course, when it’s low, it’s also A LOT lower, but somehow I like the technicolor aspect my emotions bring me.

I don’t know if it’s mostly a man thing or the result of some trauma that causes a person to lose touch with their true feelings. I wonder how do you connect to your feelings? I’m having hard time contemplating it because that hasn’t been the case for me in a long time. I do believe true growth and connection comes from some sort of tragedy that jolts you to your senses... that leaps you forward in your evolution to becoming whole and balanced.

Actually, there was quite some time where I didn’t really “feel” things. When I was growing up, I felt anger (a false emotion) and a lot of injustice at my home life. My mom really didn’t seem to care what I was going through. We were a “happy” house and she did not allow time for weakness. I know time after time after time if I was caught crying she would yank me out of my room and tell me to do the dishes or rake the yard or make the bed or something. She would say “this is a happy house! You have a good life! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something productive!”

If i cried in an argument it went about the same. She stopped listening. I remember I used to grab onto my arm and squeeze and pinch with my nails until my arm would bleed to distract myself from my emotional pain - to try and earn some respect for being tough. I was VERY disconnected from myself. Mostly as a survival technique. And here I was wondering how I ever wound up cutting myself. Seems that’s clear now, huh?

I think the hard part for me was reconciling that crying is not a weakness. That your emotions (while they can be overpowering and need to be controlled to some degree) do not make you weak. That our feelings are our pure expression of self. They can be both a release and a fulfillment. To not be in touch with them is really cheating yourself out of something. I know that I love to hear people say nice things, but when I FEEL their warmth and pure expression of their heart, it’s beyond words how touched I am.

Now all that being said - what is the difference between being smart and being educated? Because I would consider myself smart. My IQ is like 135 (that’s decent, right?) I’m able to grasp concepts. Sometimes I need to have things explained to me a couple different ways until I “Get It” but then I don’t need anymore help. I’m pretty good at most things and would say that there isn’t anything i can’t do if I have the desire and put my mind to it. I like learning new things. Problem solving. I’m a good speller, decent writer. However, I’m not so good at math. I couldn’t tell you who wrote Moby Dick or what the difference is between impressionist paintings and a Monet. I don’t really care to watch the history channel or ponder if there were or were not dinosaurs. I have no idea about geography or politics etc. So.... do those things make me dumb? Or UnEducated? I think I can hold a fairly intelligent conversation on a wide range of topics with a variety of people. But often somewhere inside I come up feeling like I’m about the lamest person on the earth because I’m not “educated” or “travelled” or “book smart”. I SUCK at Trivial Pursuit - let me just tell you. As a matter of fact, I cried after the last game I played and don’t plan on playing it again! (Of course, I’m making this more about my feelings and not intelligence, aren’t i? ha ha ha - that’s actually funny!)

Well, it’s another day of self (discovery) (exposure) (esteem) (--you fill in the blanks--)

See ya!

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