So how old does this make me? 50? 60?

I received an iTunes gift card for Christmas. I get them from time to time and I just keep the credits online so I can buy what I want (music/iPhone apps/etc) whenever the mood hits me. (Anything Apple or for the kitchen is a surefire way to win my heart BTW)

So what hits me yesterday? MUSIC - I want a new CD. And what do I wind up buying? The Best of Sade, of course. I guess she has a new album coming out and I can't wait for that, but OMG I AM MY MOTHER!!  She was always rockin' Sade. That and DeBarge. Enough for me to exclaim when I was 5 that I HATED music and that I would NEVER own a radio! (Pretty sure my mom played RECORDS!!! and there was no such thing as a CD yet so radio was where it was at maaan... HA HA)

I'm LOVING listening to my new CD now, but there's a little voice inside telling me this is, in fact, the final sign of the times. Forget all those earthquakes in one place after another - god is speaking to us all. Be forewarned!

Oh yeah, and I made and ate a really good sandwich the other day. MMMM

Slow Ride...

Well, I tried to convince my brother last night that the song Slow Ride by Foghat was a good song. I don’t think he got it AT ALL! He’s so rigid! I played every type of song known to man and not one made him bob his head or even crack a smile. And I rocked out, danced, laughed... NOTHING! At one point, I turned around and he had his iPod earphones in!! THE NERVE!

Overall though, I had a good time HA HA so that’s all that matters I guess!

I was SO locked into what I thought good music was at that age, I was not open to any advice. But with over 4,000 songs on my iPod now I think I made up for the year I only listened to Michael Jackson, En Vogue, and Mariah Carey. LOL That was a LONG time ago!

I just really love music. I love all the feelings it can give you. I love the memories. Don’t you just hear a song and suddenly your mind takes you on the most magical journey to a setting, the people, the smells, the back drop to what you were doing last time you heard that?

It was “Sweetest Perfection” by Depeche Mode. Harmony and I were in the front seat of her car. We had Mt Dew slushies from the Texaco on Shaw/Armstrong. And we were singing. Singing to our slushies. (Listen to the lyrics of that song. We really loved Mt Dew) Sun was out, windows down, a truly PERFECT DAY!

It was “Killing in the Name” by Rage Against the Machine. I was 18, home alone for a week at my parents house. I was standing at my vanity doing my hair, music as loud as it could go. Isaacs green duffle bag of CD’s was on the ground. Circle Jerks, Janes Addiction, Sonic Youth, and Music up as loud as it would go...
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me!
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me!
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me!
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me!
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me!
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me!
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me!
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me!
Motherf***er!
Uggh!
(Ok, so I had some pent up aggression... but I remember it like yesterday!)

It was “Stone the Crow” by Down. San Francisco, me and Richie. Last song of the night. I had gone into the pit alone but that’s OUR SONG and Bam! out of nowhere he appeared beside me. The crowd, the excitement, the crescendo, the crushing surge of energy from side to side as people scream and kick and crawl over top.

It was “Dunkie Butt” by 12 Gauge. On a ranch in Wildwood, Georgia. 76 other people from 18 - 80 in the room that I’ve never met before and a $100,000 sound system and we’d all drank WAAY too much of that Sweet Tea. Drum sticks in hand with only a few rules. You have to be happy, you have to dance, and you can hit ANYTHING except each other. No sleep in 3 days and we were up on the tables dancing, going crazy... I still have those broken drum sticks. LOL

Name any song, I probably have a story to go along with it. ☺ Ok that’s my blog for the day. Hope you don’t think it’s too lame.

Censored Title...

Actually I wanted to just write another personal truth. I really do like music. And as cliche and obvious as it is, I’m all about leaving obvious clues for people as to where I am in life. I don’t think anyone ever picks up on all those clues, lol, but I do it either way.

One thing I do is put music that tells my current story on my MySpace. Yeah, I know - LAME - I know. (Please ignore that time I put the new song Swing by Savage on there... I’m not really considering being a stripper whore or a rappers girlfriend... that one was just catchy...)

So, read the lyrics to these songs and see if you can figure out where I am in life. I fear they paint a tragic story. LOL I’m gonna be ok, I swear, but these songs I’m “feeling”... (Hey that’s better than being dead inside, right?)

I’ll start you off with one. This is my new fav song...
1) Car Crash - Courtney Love

There's a ghost on the highway,
And I want to run it down,
There's a phantom in my bed,
And I'm all alone now.
I've seen every hotel,
I've seen every hell,
There's nothing I haven't done,
There's no one I haven't had.

Would you be there when the lights,
When the lights get shot right out?
Would you be there when the roof,
When the roof comes crumbling down?

And I know myself too well,
And the Devil speaks to me,
And he's got me pinned down now,
Telling me I'm so empty.
Oh, just say you're sorry now,
And you'll never do it again,
Take the edge right off and keep it,
Coz you'll never be high again.

Would you be there when the lights,
When the lights get shot right out?
Would you be there when the roof,
When the roof comes crashing down?

Would you be there when the devil,
When the devil comes for me?
Would you be there when the lights,
Go black and empty?

And I live in a box,
And I die in this hole.
And you hold the keys,
To this zip.
And I don't wanna go,
But I can't seem to come,
And it's not up to me,
It's up to you.

And at all tomorrows parties,
I will be there, not at one,
And when you all start to miss me,
Oh, just pass me the gun.
And it's Valentine's again,
And there's nothing here for me.

Would you be there when the lights,
When the lights come crashing down?
Would you be there when the roof,
When the roof comes crumbling down?

Would you be there when the Devil,
Takes me to the underground?
Would you be there when the night,
Is night all year around?

Would you be there in the ice?
In the frost and cold and freeze?
Would you be there any time?
When I'm here, I'm on my knees?

2) Hiding - Beth Hart
3) Kill My Soul - Catherine Wheel
4) Lie To Me - Depeche Mode
5) Danger - Keep Away - Slipknot

Couldn’t resist - this one is just too good. Here’s another:
6) The Same Old Song - Nina Personn (A Camp)

Here's my prayer
I'm getting nowhere
I'm stepping up the stairs
But falling behind, oh
I'm a one-man show
That nobody knows
My body sure knows
I'm wondering why, oh

I can't go on singing this song
That the angels will not hear
The world is a hole from all that I stole
But there is still a little love in here
Few things will last, I did it too fast
But I'm learning to cry

Don't be a stepping stone
Get it all out, deliver it

Here's my weep
I'm digging too deep
I do believe in lies
I've got everything to hide, oh
I'm young, I'm old
I do what I'm told
Cut open, unfold
But there's nothing inside, oh

Hey child, you dance too loud
Here is your limit

Don't be a stepping stone
Get it all out, deliver it

Here's my plead
My never ending repeat
I'm a circular cry-baby
With no one to trust
I'm restless and mad
And anciently sad
If someone wants to kill me
Go ahead but make it fast

7) Lost and Found - Ledisi

I don't want to do this anymore

Yeah... That about sums it up. Everything sucks. And I can't even tell you if I'm unbelievably sad. Really lonely. Or I just don't care anymore.

Spare me the speech where you say... "Oh My Gosh Marisa, You're so smart and pretty and successful... everything will be fine" UGH

I'm numb.

I'm sure things will pass. It's only been 1 week since grandma died... Did I mention grandpa was given today to live... so boy should tomorrow be exciting. Can't wait to attend another barbaric funeral.

I really don't want to care tomorrow. I don't want to "need" anymore.... to worry anymore. Not that these leave much to be desired in an average life. I'm home alone today. It sucks and yet i could care less. I feel trapped in the quit center of a storm. Like there is nothing, no sound...

So before I just rant out things that are mean and stupid and defetist, I'll simply write lyrics from my new favorite song:

Beth Hart
Hidden Track after ..13 - Screaming For My Supper

Violence, here them play
On the Fence, where I lay
It's where I live
Tumble down to the ground
Watch it flash
Not a sound, there's no sound

And he says, that it don't matter to me
He'll say, that all this love is for free
He said, it don't matter to me, it don't matter to me

Take me down, unconsciousness
Hold me now, decadence
Lay me out in your house of sin
Take me down...
...There's no sound

House of sin, somebody sinned
Tumbled down onto my knees
Watch it burn, hold your screams
Somebody sinned

He said nothing to me
That all this war is for free
He said, it ain't nothing to me and i would never agree
So take me now, unconsciousness
Hold me now, decadence
Lay me in your house of sin
Take me down

THERE'S NO SOUND !!!
THERE'S NO SOUND !!!

YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS IS FUCKING WEAK!
Violence screaming at your feet
You're sowing every time you speak

----------------------------

Good night everyone.