The Golden Boy

What's it like? What's it like to be spoiled rotten? Some people may think my life was something to be fancied. Yeah, we lived in a nice house. So what, I had a pony. Maybe we had the RV's and the houseboat and the speed boat and the jet skis. Possibly you heard we traveled around the country for weeks at a time. Okay, I admit, we lived WELL.

But no.

My bitterness and jealousy can be checked by NO ONE.

I don't even think I can name the WORK I did. Everything from pouring cement to digging ditches. Juicing 75 lb bags of carrots for an ailing mother dying of a brain tumor (she lived) to caring for a baby that wasn't mine. (15 yrs my junior brother) From delivering firewood to painting fences. Removing wallpaper to raking up the the fallen leaves of nearly TWO HUNDRED trees. There was no mercy. There was no cable. There was no prom, no music, no football games. I was denied after school participation in Forensics. (Not dead bodies, but debate! NERD STUFF!) Denied when I was IN school that is. I gave up my freshmen and senior year to home studies so I could serve the needs of my family. Oh and do not doubt for a second... through all of that, I brought home straight A's. I worked part time caring for my ailing grandparents. Did everything I could to prove myself a good and worthy person.

Then enter THE GOLDEN BOY. That sweet curly headed boy. The boy who does whatever the fuck he wants to and gets rewarded for simply existing. He's brought home bad grades. He's had some "incidents" with the law. He's fully enveloped in teenage angst and apathy. Yet, he's the GOLDEN BOY.

I want good for him. Hell, I want the BEST for him. BUT some days I think he needs to fucking earn it. Pay his dues like I PAID. I don't know why I fight for him. Mom says it's because I'm fighting for myself. She's probably right.

Drive a brand new car? Live in the city in a mansion across the street from the school and your after school robotics program? Have a cell phone? Get a brand new iPod touch? Take out of town trips with the school? Play your video games and have your friends over? I die a little inside every time I hear about it.

Do you know I got yelled out for reading too much? For always having my nose buried in a book and not watching where we were driving? I begged to go to school on time even when it was foggy day schedule! I ditched class to go to OTHER classes!

REALLY? Yeah, really.

Carry on with your bad self, but steer clear of me. My vitriol and jealousy knows no bounds.

Well, this post is overly revealing, contradictory, and dumb... But here goes...

Yesterday I discovered a NEW feeling... that I was "too connected." Upon further inspection though, I realized actually, I'm a terrible friend and the word connected isn't right. What I actually am is too digitally AVAILABLE. I have a MySpace, a FaceBook, email, twitter, a blog, and an iPhone. There is no moment I'm not just READY to either put my most personal thoughts and feelings out there or to receive your call or text or comment or an @reply.

Plus there's this other thing. I have this abandonment issue and I hate burning bridges so I hang onto things too long. People that suddenly stop talking to me, I think about EVERY DAY WHY? Ex love interests. Friends from 20 years ago. Why am I still holding onto all these things that never made the cut?

Well enough of that!

I went through all my pictures and DELETED things I don't NEED to remember. I DELETED contacts from my phone of people I don't NEED to contact again.. I DELETED my MySpace. There is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I can let go. Normally these things would cause me anxiety, but I was suddenly struck with the feeling that I was ready. These are things that I was a part of or almost was, but they are no more and I'm okay with that.

So, being too digitally available and all, I thought I'd post this. HA!

Have you ever had these feelings? I just feel like people are always watching me. Always judging me. Always looking for fault. Sometimes it's okay to just put your phone on airlane mode or go for a walk or not respond immediately. Sometimes it's ok to keep to yourself, have a glass of wine, and watch TV and not go desperately looking for friends and a party.

That's where I am right now. Where are you?

Envious Cravings...

Well, I'm sure that title sounds a lot sexier than what I'm actually talking about.

I've essentially typed and then deleted two very long blogs. Actually, though, I love re-reading my blogs because I'm fascinated with the perfect capturing of a moment in time, a moment in my head... and these things even I didn't want to re-read so they had to go bye-bye! They were too long winded and detailed with an overbearing sad desperation. Who needs that!?

Somehow, though, when the right subject strikes me, I HAVE to write about it. I wrestled with telling you stories, with analogies, with timelines, with stories insides stories, yet it wasn't until I laid here in bed that the words came to me.

"I am envious of simplicity, but I crave complexity."

Yup, that's it. Put one more notch in my "contradiction" headboard will ya? I wanted to regale you with information about my deepest thoughts and innerworkings. I had a whole paragraph dedicated to the "Photosynthesis of Sorrow." There were quotes from books and feelings and more, but everything sort of boiled down into that one sentence.

Sometimes I think it’s hard to be me.

*PS - I don't know why this post required a picture of me, but I found the top at Nordstrom Rack this weekend and I think it's super cute, so whatever...

Water Under the Bridge

I bet you think this is going to be another one of those deep emotional posts that I’ve been on a roll with lately. Well, it’s not, sorry.

Actually, I’ve read 3 completely random blogs this week talking about censoring and not putting everything you’ve ever felt and heard up on the internet... UHHHHH - OOOPS, too late for that!

Actually, one of them was more about being true and authentic to yourself. I think I can honestly say that, while I’m contradictory and often confused, I am true to myself in those moments. I don’t even know if anyone reads this drivel, but I’m not making apologies. This whole blog is about me and for me. I release all that pent up *WHATEVER* into the universe so I can go back to being happy go lucky. Unfortunately, for YOU, dear reader, I’m often only inspired to write when something is “agitating” or “sad” or “upsetting” or overall negative. And, secretly, I think I’m at my funniest when I’m a little dry and sarcastic and dark too. So, lets try something new.

What’s with this stuff they call water? SOO overrated. It doesn’t even have a taste, but I hate the way it tastes, especially for it’s lack of taste. There’s a proof-read sentence. HA! What can I say, I write like I talk. I’m not dumb, but I fear the valley girl in me just came out. I hate water. I know you need it to like live and stuff, but UGH, totally!

WIth 2009 here, I thought a good goal for the new year would be “moderation”... I’m sort of an EXCESS girl - very over the top, and being that just a couple posts ago, I admitted to drinking a record breaking amount of energy drinks and Mt Dew, I figured a little water wouldn’t hurt.

So I scaled back, no Rockstar in the morning - water instead. Only 2 Mt Dews a day, water in between. Glass of wine at night, water when I go to bed. I have never peed more in my life... Why do we even need to drink water??? It’s like in and out in 5 seconds. Don’t message me about the kidneys either - those things are busy doing a whole lotta nothing... (Shakes head) Water...

LAME!

I try to make it taste better by using an orange cup which is MY FAVORITE COLOR!
Here I am in a photo montage - see if you can guess what I’m thinking- and yes, I have a hair appointment this Saturday - don't look at the hair.

AND THE SAGA CONTINUES...

There is a conflict inside me all the time. Something so good, so bright, so happy that could never be stopped, lest I turn around and see I’m followed closely by something equally as bad and dark and sad! And all with a measure of confidence and doubt added in, nothing is ever easy for me.

I spend A LOT of time trying to really figure out who I am. Not just what the voice in my head says, because she will flip flop on you - trust me, but where my true heart is. I’m always evaluating my intention, my motives, but I never seem to land on solid ground. Every question leads me to another question.

For the holiday’s I decided to bake... (I’ll add my own real pictures later...)

I made these:


and I bought these:


and I spent hundreds of dollars and SO MANY hours baking and wrapping and taking care of every detail in the ingredients and carefully placing every piece of tape and ribbon and I poured my little heart into it (You know, I can only cook with love) I left one for my housecleaner, and I made enough for almost everyone at work... and I passed them out today...

And then I came back to my office and I cried. Cried that everyone would roll their eyes at me for going overboard. Cried that I made THIRTY and was still 10 short. Cried that some might think the motivational book was pushy and presumptuous. Cried that 1 guy is diabetic and I didn’t take the extra time to get him something special. Cried because sometimes people hate me no matter what I do. Cried because I thought my motive was one of warmth and giving and doing something for them that I would want them to do for me, and then realizing my true motive was probably a sad and desperate plea for people to like me - and NO ONE will ever like a sad and desperate girl. UGH...

Know your role...

Heard some EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE interesting things the other day about “Knowing My Role”... I think it just takes some major nerve to SAY that. I’m very well aware that this whole society works on knowing your role. Every job has a boss. Every societal group has a leader. Every family has a head. Every clique has a pecking order. There has to be a defined order to everything, an understanding. But there is a really angry feminist inside of me that psycho BRISTLES at the thought of being told how to be, what to be, what I can and can’t do. There was even one point where he said “WIthout a doubt there are women out there who could probably do a better job, be more efficient, organized, and capable than a man, BUT THAT’S NOT YOUR ROLE...”

Oh no you didn’t just say that!

Actually, I was unable to control my face, but it was probably due to the massive whole body seizure I was having after hearing those words. Yep yep, I’m virtual blogging this from the grave. Ha! For all the things that I have done wrong (and there’s some doozies, let me tell ya) know what my most egregious sin is? “I have headship issues” As I so eloquently explained to a friend of mine, how is it that I could probably suck every dick in America, but it’s worse for me to not listen when a man tells me to do something? LOL I was informed sucking every dick in America is probably a bad thing no matter who you are and a very bold statement. Ha Ha - I know, but I was just rambling. Sometimes I exaggerate to get my point across, ok?

Seriously though, I just want to be reasonable... Actually admitting that a women could do a better job at something but won’t get the opportunity because she lacks the necessary (Between the legs) accoutrements is so mind boggling. Sexism is offensive people. It’s just as bad as racism or homophobia. IE: NOT GOOD.

I’m such a contradiction though. I’m really not a feminist. I love to cook. I love cleaning. I love being a woman. I want to be held. Talked to in a (not condescending or patronizing) soft voice. I want to be taken care of. Treated tenderly. My dream is to find a man who will TAKE all this man responsibility from me so that I CAN truly fulfill my womanly roll. But it doesn’t work for me if I don’t trust you. If I don’t respect you. I have these trust issues, which manifest into control issues... and I pretty much need to know someone is more capable and more strong willed than I am. (Please note, breaking me emotionally until I just give up is not what I’m talking about here - that can be done too, but really not what I’m going for!) To really pry it away from me so that I CAN just melt down, open up, and be this ethereal female creature I want to be. Well, I’m not holding my breath about it. HA!

I’m complicated. I don’t make any sense. I know this now. It’s hard for people to figure me out and my actions give people varying ideas of who I am and what I’m about. Some have said they see my hesitation and they wonder what I’m on the fence about. Hell, even I don’t know sometimes. I live my life on the fence. I’m just always waiting for something to “feel right” and then I fall to one side or the other. I follow my soul.

Read a wonderful quote from the Tao that says “The master observes the world, but trusts his own inner vision”... I’m no master, but I see a lot going on around me - a lot which I can get into my head about and debate which way I should go, but ultimately I have to just look inside and say “does it feel right?” and that’s usually what I do - unless of course alcohol is involved. But we’re just gonna stop there. ahahhaaha

Have a good one everybody.

Contradiction

Yeah... That always sums it up for me. I am everything. No 1 thing is ever the answer.

I am fighting.
        Yet I’ve given up.
I am strong.
        Yet so powerless.
I am happy.
        Yet filled with such great sadness.
I am love.
        Yet bitter inside.
I am hope.
        Yet numb and dead already.

I just don’t know. I have these moments of clarity, breaths of fresh air, light... But they are always tempered with contradictions. Confusion, trapped, panic, and darkness. UGH.

I would say if people defined me by my passions they would somehow involve work, food, sleep, and music. But all of those have left me for now. And I feel bad for my friends and family. My mom is trying so hard to help. I don’t know how to kindly take this out of her hands. Lord knows what they think of me. I mean, I’m not even nice anymore. It takes so much energy just to maintain my composure, I just show up and grace everybody with my bad attitude. I walk around with my arms crossed and my voice with no inflection. I’m sure this isn’t the reaction they would want from me... Marisa, the most hyper, lively, arms flailing about, talking a mile a minute person they remember.

I know... this too shall pass...
RIGHT?

I guess I don’t write much about my mom. Well, that’s not true, I’ve written a few things about her in the past (years ago), but that was a rough time in my life, and my reactions to her then were simply a product of that devastating time. My mom and I are 2 exceptionally strong willed stubborn women. We’re also extremely passionate and pretty hyper-sensitive to everything. You can only imagine the two of us together. The same, but SO different - it’s bound to be volatile... and usually comical too. But I love her and she loves me. It’s just our thing - our dance. I don’t think she believes I love her, but if only she knew how much I do. How much I’ve changed my entire life, just so she could be in it. Just takes time I guess.

Here’s what I find fascinating about life. We are ALL this way. We are all the same, yet SO SO different. Part of my struggle some days is how to fit in. I want to do what is good and happy and reassuring to others. (without losing myself) But all I really know how to do is treat people like I like to be treated. But some days I think I am totally crazy and so, like some fucked up Seinfeld episode, I pull a George and try to do the opposite of what my instinct says. Ha Ha

I notice this happening alot. I have a friend who is constantly saying and doing things that get me all worked up. That totally drain me. I’m confused as to how he is so confused. However, when I stepped back, what I really heard him saying is - “This is how I would like to be treated. This is what I would like someone to say to me. This is what I need.” We’ve talked about it and he admitted as much. But WOW did I have the opposite reaction! Sorry “friend”...

The same, but so different.

I have another friend to whom I just sent an email. I hope he doesn’t mind me sharing an excerpt of what I said to him. It was basically me saying, “Hey what’s up, I don’t know what to do... so I’m gonna tell you personal truth about me and see if it resonates. Or at least excuses the fact that I might not be reacting how you want me to, but my intention is in the right place and I hope you can see that... and also, since I don’t know what to do, will you to tell me what to do?” I wonder if that’s what he took away from the email? LOL

Here’s the part about the personal truth:

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It's weird cuz my reactions to trauma and despair is to be like an injured animal. I want to run off into the woods and lick my wounds until things are better - in solitude. When it comes to my life I have a pretty rigid grip on serious decisions being made by me and only me. I have to do it myself. Learn it for myself (Even if it's the hard way) Make up my own mind. So, that makes friends sort of a dead issue. You can sit there and stare at me and listen to me and hug me and none of it changes anything until I come to it myself, until I'm ready. I like to just SIT thru the uncomfortableness until it passes.

But then I think back on some horrible times and I remember the few people who didn't forget about me. Who checked on me. Sometimes who just left me little things on my doorstep or sent me an email with no expectation of return conversations because I had no energy to do so, or came and forced me out every once and a while. And THOSE few people I will love forever because I was incapable of giving anything back and yet they expended the energy to show kindness anyways.
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That is my natural reaction. To retreat. I don’t want to talk about it. Think about it. Have you touch me. Hug me. (Did you see the contradiction in the above too? cuz I kinda do... LOL)

Actually, as I’m typing this I’m thinking how unfair I am. I don’t trust many people. I don’t think many people see much value in me. Well, I think people see value in me when it’s EASY. When I’m happy and fun and generous... When I cater your party... When I spend money on you... But what about when it’s difficult? When I don’t laugh, or go out, or have anything good to say? Who is willing to hang in there with me? I don’t know if that’s a subconscious thing or not, but I’ll apologize now for basically admitting that a small part of my funk is now an admitted “test”... Oh brother, am I that typical of a woman? ha ha

SO, where am I going with all this? I don’t know. It’s all the same old thing. Me just rambling about where I am on the roller coaster of life. I don’t think it’s solving anything, but it does feel relatively therapeutic to write it all out. Maybe part of it is a whisper to my friends to hang in there with me. Let me work it out on my own. We’ll see what happens.

Religious Oppression

You know, I don't really talk much about religion because it's hard to explain to someone who hasn't lived MY religious experience. Especially in a blog. Plus I have this incredible guilt about bad mouthing them to the world for fear that if there IS a god he would be quite displeased with me.

BUT in talking with a friend who has shared the hell that is witnessdom with me, i had the revelation of how strongly it has affected me. Not just in my growing up, but now in my adulthood as the rejection is palpable.

I guess I never learned how to make friends as a child. How could I? I spent all that time at school, but couldn't really develop a relationship because there was never any after school possibilities. (Parents wouldn't let anyone who wasn't a witness come over) and we always lived so far out no one would come see me even if it was acceptable. No after school activities, no school dances, no football games, no prom, no ANYTHING. I truly spent all of my time alone or only with family.

Being sheltered was not the protection parents thought it was. It was a life sentence for me. I feel like I'm years behind and always trying to catch up. Instead of dating or having a boyfriend or just hanging out with friends and going to the mall, I was on home studies cooking for a husband that was really my dad, caring for a baby that was really my brother, and nursing a dying patient that was really my mother.

I'm unsure of every step I take because EVERY STEP is a new one. At 25 I'd never celebrated a birthday, a Christmas, a mothers day. Never drank a green beer. Never set off a firework. I'm days away from turning 28 and I've never even been on a date.

And now that the witness ties and family bonds were broken, I have this huge abandonment issue. If EVERYONE I KNOW ,including my own mother, can turn their back on me while I repent and beg for forgiveness (to no avail), how could I not doubt the sincerity of those who claim to BE THERE for me now? That's why I don't TRULY lean on my friends when i need them. SIGH

In the same way, it's caused me to be selfless to the point of injury in my own forgivness of another. That's my problem. Instead of setting a standard for myself and setting boundries to protect myself, I just blindly open up and put MY WHOLE SELF OUT THERE and hold them close to me. I can't bear the thought of someone feeling that cold hearted "rejection" coming from me. I know how badly that hurts.

It's also caused me to realize I don't know who I am. I spend HOURS trying to think what makes me... ME. Yet, I can't choose a direction. I WANT TO DO IT ALL. I'm so starved for EXPERIENCE, how could I possibly cut off even ONE option? It comes off like I contradict myself or that I just lack follow thru, but that's not true. Is jack of all trades, master of none really a good thing?

Is it a contradiction to listen to Pantera and want to get the shit beat out of me in a mosh pit, and then come home and put on an apron and make vegetarian chicken w/ an herbs de provence sauce?

Is it a contradiction to drink wine and listen to jazz and just be a tourist/sightseer on Saturday and then go sit in some bachelors house on some shitty hand me down couch and drink a 40 of Mickey's with the boys?

Is it a contradiction to shop and wear pink and heels and be stupid and immature and totally valley girl today, but spend my time recycling and connecting with nature and meditating on my life seeking for inner peace and positive depth and growth tomorrow?

I've noticed that this same "contradiction" manifests itself as some sort of duality in my personality. In my need to not be judged and therefore not judge others I just want to BLEND in with who I'm with - be accepted. I constantly relive every laugh and sentence and comment to make sure that it was in line with who I'm with at the time. The worry that I said or did something wrong might cause another "cutting off" is more than I can bear. I laugh it off and say "When in Rome.." but does that mean there is no REAL ME?

Let's say I want to be a better designer and web programmer. That would mean giving up friendships and fun to stay in the house and read books all day. Lets say I want to be perfectly skinny. That would mean giving up my free time to cook and clean and be domestic so I could work out at the gym for hours and hours for the rest of my life. I want to work with animals and nature and just be a hippy who owns a communal garden and runs a small vegetarian cafe, but would I have to give up my fast paced, challenging, technical job and my glorious shoes and impractical sports car? I'm lost.

This has of course gotten off subject and bit too revealing for a blog. Talk about opening up and putting yourself out there for rejection...

I think to sum it up, I want people to put as much time and effort into me as I so desperately put into them. I just want balance and acceptance. For everyone to be happy. FOR ME TO BE HAPPY. Think it's possible? In my innocence I have to say yes. I'm working on it. I'm working on it.

:D

Life Realizations and contradiction

So, I've been meaning to write for a while. Sorry for the delay.

Figured I'd cover a few things mentioned in my title.

Life:

Life is good.

Realizations:

1) I don't like leaving the house. I mean, I do... but now that I work from home, leaving the house leaves me a nervous wreck. I just attempted to take someone across town at 5:00. Rush hour traffic in the dark. I've experienced everything from panic and extreme nausea to burning anger. I have arrived home and I am just a mess. The crazy idiots out on the road driving their raised F350 dually's who blind my low riding sports cars rearview mirror, then pass me on the RIGHT SIDE of the street, only to be trapped in front of me so that I am incapable of seeing over or around ANYTHING while they speed up to 50 and then slam on their breaks is more than my little hermit heart can handle. I am seriously shaken.

On a lighter note...

2) I have a serious shoe thing. For all these years that I denied my girly side. Now that I'm coming into my own, I really really have a love for expensive shoes. I just enjoy looking at them. Touching em. Trying them on. I mean, do i even need to mention "PURCHASING" them? It's not like a sex equivalent or anything, but seriously, I went to the mall the other day. And I just LOST MY MIND. I had been eyeing this pair of "Coach" Whitney D'Orsay pumps, and I just said, screw it. I BOUGHT THEM! It was like a shot of heroin (assuming that's a pretty good high since i've never tried heroin) I haven't even worn them yet, but i just open the closet and look at them. Oh my god, do I love them SO MUCH! I am just making my pledge now to not sell myself cheap at Ross anymore. I always shop at the cheap places trying to pull together an expensive look on a paupers budget and I'm just quiting that! I'd rather have 1 pair of $220 shoes that will always look good and last forever than 10 pairs of $20 shoes that hurt my feet, look cheap and break after a few months.

Contradictions:

So there, I've said it. I like expensive things. I REALLY like expensive shoes. And I've been reading a lot of hate blogs about women. How shallow they are. How they feel they wear a certain uniform. How much time and money they could save if they put their energy into learning instead of getting that brazillian wax.

Well, fuck it. Maybe it's the woman in me that takes whatever I read or hear or see and tries to apply it to myself, but I can't do that anymore. Yes, I wear thong underwear, get my nails done, have streaked hair, tan, and get waxed. Does that mean I'm some sort of wanna be porn star? Some superficial plastic whore with her designer bag and expensive shoes? NO...

I also own a $2,200 dog and drive a sports car and I have my tongue pierced and I have a tatoo. I'm sorry. I love my puppy. I love my car. I've had my tongue ring before all you posers (7+ years now) and my tattoo means a lot to me. And having my nails done makes me feel pretty. SO WHAT DO YOU CARE? But my lesson is life is this.

You just have to be ok with who you are. I'm not some fat goth chick who really wants attention by strapping my gynormous breasts into a leather bustier and making a scene. I'd like to think i'm somewhat modest. And people that get to know me will know that I am generous and grounded. That I recycle. That I'm a health conscious vegetarian. All I ever wanted to be was a domestic house wife. That I have some hippy tendencies in there. That I donate my time and energy to good causes. I can be nerdy. BUT that overall, you can't keep comparing yourselves to others to know that you are a good person.

You just have to be what you are, use reason and apply balance to your life and things will be ok. I am a contradiction. This vegetarian just spent over $200 on a pair of leather shoes. SO WHAT? I use canvas bags at the grocery store, but I REFUSE to turn the water off the whole time I'm brushing my teeth. SO WHAT? Maybe people like me annoy you. I don't know.

SO WHAT? I'm me. I like you... I hope you like me. It's taken me 27 years to say "I LIKE ME"... and I do.

Now I've gotta go give myself a pedicure. SEE YA! LOL

What have I become?

So, I'm pretty much completely amused by myself this week. 2004 was quite the year of revelations and of coming into my own (finding myself, etc) I think if i was in high school and I could look into the future and seen me I would've just killed myself right then and there to prevent such a tragedy. EXCEPT, I'm actually pretty happy with myself now.

I suppose I should tell some BRIEF history (you'll have to email me for details of the bigger picture if you care) But I've always felt like I had to prove something. That crying was weak. Femininity was weak (especially in the business world) And if you knew the details of my failed marriage, that I also had to be the man in my relationship. So there was no balance and I found myself in Khaki pants and flats, baggy clothes, and all black (NEVER EVER to wear pink or lace or flowers etc)

So yesterday, I'm in Wal-mart and I just CRACKED MYSELF UP. I'm standing there in a pink lowcut top, tight black jeans, pink heels, the cutest pink fuzzy ring, I've got my yorkie under my arm in his pink purse and I'm buying candles and pink nail polish!!! OH MY GOD - what have I become???!!!

Apparently, I'm a bit OVERLY excited w/ my newfound girly outlook (i'm assuming it will mellow over time) I HOPE IT MELLOWS OVER TIME...

Anyways, along w/ my New found GIRL, I just finished watching the Eagles game, which I can admit I woke up early for and actually LIKED IT! Apparently I'm just all over the map. So now the whole world knows! I WEAR PINK AND I WATCH FOOTBALL.

WHEW - I SAID IT!

I'm pretty happy. But what do you say?