Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Raccoons and Strippers turn out to be oddly similar

I’d like you to look at me. Look up at the top of this blog, maybe to the side, okay, even look below this post... WAIT, Oh my god, how many freakin’ pictures do I have of myself on this blog?? Apparently I should add narcissism to my list of afflictions - geeeezzzzuuussss!

Okay, ANYWAYS, back to me - LOOK AT ME! What you see folks is the the ugly face of addiction! Besides having an addictive personality (Actually, 2 random people have described me recently as “infectious” {in keeping with my narcissistic ways} which I obviously took as a compliment) I am also, quite possibly, addicted to every other possible thing you can be addicted to. To some who read this, that will come across as a rather extreme statement, lest you keep reading and discover I’m also addicted to exaggerating. How can I live larger than life unless I lie, right?

Honestly I believe the government is conspiring against me! There are some things in this life I just cannot live with out.
1) Chapstick
2) Lotion
3) Q-Tips

As I vegetarian, I find beef jerky to be exceptionally unattractive. One hour without one of the above listed products and I shrivel up and age at least 50 years. Okay, that was an exaggeration, my apologies - 30 years... I would age AT LEAST 30 years. Still you skoff? From my stationary chair, I offer you this picture of the lotion/chapsticks I have within an arms reach. And since my roommate Melissa lovingly refers to me as T-rex, that’s like 2 feet max - SERIOUSLY... I’m just sayin’...

Since I’m trying not to be a sensationalist, that HONESTLY was what I found in my desk here at work!

Here’s a new one that’s just starting to rear it’s shiny head - GLITTER. I am totally addicted to glitter. I love looking at sparkly stuff, so much so that now I apply shimmery eye shadow, glitter eye liner, and a glitter liquid liner to my eyes. I have the prettiest eyes if I do say so to my vainglorious self. Truth be told, as the day wears on, the glitter works its way onto my eye lashes and into my eyes and down my face so that by 5 pm all I see is sparkles and shimmers and shooting stars. I live in a prism of glitter reverb that would rival the best LCD trip you’ve ever had. A day seeing through my eyes is probably like being trapped inside a Pink Floyd video. Except, I just googled Pink Floyd videos on youtube - being as I was born in 1978 - and NOW THEY TELL ME they didn’t even have music videos back then - what the fuck!? The few I did watch were of like his concerts and they seemed pretty trippy and you know what? Whatever! Just hum to yourself “Hello Hellooo, is there anybody. out. there. ??” You get the point. It’s a lot of fucking glitter okay - that’s the point!

Hell, I’ve got so much stuff going on that I shouldn’t even be driving. I ran into an old friend at Target 2 weeks ago and she made reference to me resembling a raccoon. I didn’t really understand that analogy since I thought moths were attracted to shiny stuff and raccoons were more garbage bandits of the rodent variety, but then again, you can’t be a true junkie unless you’ve got yourself all hopped up and dug through the trash for dinner right? Soooo maybe she’s right? Actually, the more I think about it, strippers and raccoons have a lot in common. Of course, I haven’t perfected the titty glitter thing just yet - I’ve mostly wanted to be feminist **HEY BUDDY, eyes up here okay?!** but I’m only a year into this and as my tolerance grows I’ll be hittin’ the harder stuff soon enough. GIVE IT TIME PEOPLE!

I think I’m also addicted to smell though. NO, I don’t want to smell you - I’m full of self-love remember? Unfortunately, after about 15 different products (Body wash, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, lotion, perfume, perfumed lotion, hair smoother, hair spray, and more!) I fear I smell like a $3 french whore up in this bitch! Actually, I think the original saying was a $2 french whore, but with the economy right now and the fact that all those products are expensive, I’ve taken the liberty of raising the price a dollar! OH OH, you know what?!?!?! I even have scented body glitter! Can you say OMG!?

By the way, what the hell is a velvet tuberose and why do I always pronounce it turbose? (That's the bath & body lotion scent I prefer) Like I think I want to smell like a large but very fast woman? Like you know, turbo, but the OSE part denotes largeness... Everyone knows this, must I explain every. thing. to. you? Sigh.

Alright people, my 3 o'clock break is over and we're a little less than an hour away from 5 pm's impending disco fever revival, so I gotta go!

As a side not, if this means anything to you - you will know how funny it is.
People that eat chicken feet can’t get diabetes. Say goodbye.


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