Thursday, September 25, 2008

The house of fear

So everyone likes Oprah. Ok, I like Oprah. I hate her because I like her so much. Who wouldn’t like her? She’s overcome adversity which she talks about openly. She is strong and powerful but she cries all the time. She tells lame jokes that only she thinks are funny. She has more money than god. She LOVES food and still struggles with her weight. Yeah, pretty much.

So anyways, She has an XM radio show called the “Soul Series”. I subscribe to the online video podcast of her feature interview each week. It’s 15 - 30 minutes, it’s free, and I really enjoy it.

Anyways, I tried to find a way to upload the video, but you can’t... although anyone can download it for free. This week was a 2 part interview with Rev. Ed Bacon. Now, if you read my last blog you can imagine I deleted this immediately... But dammit Oprah if I wasn’t willing to watch it for you.

I transcribed part of what this guy shockingly says: (He’s talking about really “religious” people and how they react to you if you have a different view of them)
There are two houses... The House of fear and the House of love

The house of fear puts god in a box, puts our theology in a box, puts spirituality in a box.

And depart from the language that I use and find comfort in, then you are starting your own church, you’re the antichrist, you’re not religious.

This criticism that comes at you is because you are pointing to something that is deeper and more universal. People so impassioned about just the wording of religion!

What you do to quiet your anxiety and fear is to find certainty - which is relative. And then if someone challenges that certainty then you attack because that attack comes from the house of fear.

I am SOO feeling that. The interview is almost an hour in total. He says A LOT of very reassuring things.

This whole "House of Fear" thing is EXACTLY what happens to me! I just have such a hard time seeing what the big deal is... why they fight so hard to shove stuff down someone elses throat! Now I know. Because they are just scared. It’s all they have to hold onto that brings them comfort. And one of the few relative things that cannot ACTUALLY be challenged because it is so intangible. How do you disprove faith? But as much as I can’t disprove it, they can’t 100% prove it either, so they try to force everyone else to just agree so it’s not an issue.

Well, anyways - This resonated with me. You should watch it!

Monday, September 22, 2008

So much more to learn

Ever wonder how much MORE there is to figure out? I'm just starting to realize there is A LOT more...

This last week has led me to realize I'm not anywhere ready to step foot in the public. I just don't know what to do. I've had the revelation that I am the source of uncomfortable tension for others. Whether it's friends, lovers, or family - I'm the one that causes them to mutter 'fuck... What do I do with her?".

This sucks...

There is SOO much going on in my life. Some which I'll talk about, some which I won't. I still have so many hang ups too. Religion is really working on me right now. I don't know what to do. All i know is at this point, I'm avoiding the whole thing. Acceptance is my primary concern, and based on my past experiences organized religion doesn't offer anything close to that to me. It offers structure and rules and a support group of policers to make sure you stay within the confines of that structure. But step outside of that support and that acceptance, that love, is gone!

So I sit here surrounded by people who say everything I want to hear. 'we love you' 'we're so glad to see you' 'we want to know everything about you' 'how can we help' it goes on... But I don't believe them. I want to, but it brings tears to my eyes even as I type this. My flight instinct is hard to ignore right now. I want to go where no one knows me. I want to go where no expectations are placed on me. It just seems so easy to just walk away.

Yet all that is my fault. I put myself back in this predicament for the love of my family, my brother. Unfortunately, it feels as good to be back as it does hurt to be back. I had no way of knowing what would happen after I opened pandoras box.

So, now here I am. I cringe at even the word 'bible'. Yet for hours on end each week I smile and show up for meetings and bible study so that everyone else feels good about their place in this world. (and I'm not even participating at half what I should) Little do they know the price I'm paying on the inside. It is a fire storm of torment in my stomach. In my heart. I clinch my teeth and pinch the inside of my arm until it bruises to keep from screaming out. To keep the smile on my face. To keep the anger and the tears inside.

They must see the strain in the back of my eyes. The lump in my throat. Yet they hug me. They touch my hair. They compliment. They 'encourage'. I want to run and never look back. However, I don't want to be the person filled with negativity and hate and anger. I don't want to crush their souls and take from them what they've taken from me. So I simply smile.

You know what's the worst? That I fear this is just me. The entire world derives comfort from these things. Faith. Strength. Hope from these things. So here I claim I want to be a good person. A balanced person. A well rounded accepting open happy loving person. So how long do I sit in my house until I can truly be around people and be all those things when this huge area of their lives comes up?

I hear what some of u say. 'it's not this way' 'we've never had experiences like that' 'the bible teaches love and acceptance at it's core and anything different is a misinterpretation' okay - I hear you. But it doesn't change where I am right now. What I've committed to. Ugh!

And in essence, I think I'm a very spiritual person. I think it's all just a matter of language. When I get up in the morning and 'set my intention' many of you would call that prayer. When I'm at a loss for words and I plead to the 'universe' or 'mother earth' you could substitute the words god or jesus. When i try to live a good life and be a good person its the same as you... So why do I have to say its because of the bible? Why does whatever brings you comfort have to bring me the same? Can't it be different? Or is it me? Am I resisting something I shouldn't? Usually when I have such a strong and adverse reaction to something it's me that's out of line. Sigh.

Want the real truth? I'm so tired. I'm so Empty. How do i fix this or fix myself or change my thinking? How can I give what I don't have? How do I recharge? I can't get away from the constant drain. I don't even know how to be a friend. I just work and I 'maintain'... But I fantasize about just walking out the door and never coming back. I'm lonely, but I'm already alone.

I just want you:
To like me.
To be nice to me.
To want me around.
To choose me.
To stay...
Yeah, but I've heard it all before...

So maybe it goes a little deeper than just religion. The distrust came from my religious experience, but the despair... That's all me. Ha!

I just sat next to a priest with his beads and hand movements and robes and his bible in Latin. I'm uncomfortable.

I have a SCREAMING baby behind me which is easily heard over my iPod. I'm tired.

I'm sitting in a row of chairs right now. All empty. Did I mention the whole row is EMPTY? Why does this lady sit down right next to me? She's RIGHT here. I'm touching her with my elbow. I'm beyond tense.

Does no one see? I don't have the energy to deal with this. I don't want to walk... I want to run...

Mother earth, Can't it just work out? Hey YOU, Can't you just choose me? And YOU, Can't you just enjoy my presence and not try to change me? And can't you over there just be real. Why is it all so hard?

I haven't left yet. My stuff is packed but I'm going to try it for one more day. Maybe tomorrow will be better...

Tonight I'm going to my parents. My brother and his wife are in town from New York. You know, that brother who I haven't spoken to in 4 years. (Even after I've been reinstated...) That brother whose wedding I wasn't invited to. That brother who lives and works at the religious organization headquarters that's caused me so much tribulation. That brother... Can't wait to go and get "hugs" and "happiness" and "love" from someone who doesn't give a shit about me. We'll laugh and we'll smile and he'll ask "So how have you been?" and I'll say "Fine"... {I'll wonder how I summarize 4 years of emotional hell into one word} We'll eat dinner and talk about how god is good. {I'll throw up a little bit in my mouth and pinch myself to hold back the bitterness I have inside} We'll tell stories from our childhood. {I'll feel like I don't even know him and decide I don't want to.} Time to go and play nice. {Time to take that valium I have hidden in my jewelry box}

Tell me again why I shouldn't just walk away?

Monday, September 15, 2008

I'd rather them steal my car...

(Ok, I was already corrected that that is not a true statement... but work with me here)

You may need a little background story, so here it goes: I like Mt Dew. Sorry Shane - avert your eyes or deal with it. I drink a lot of soda - A LOT. In fact, I just did my budget and realized I spend almost $50 a month in soda from the vending machines at work. OH MY GOD! Now, I figured out that for $8 a month, I can get the same amount of soda if I pre-buy it at the grocery story and bring 1 with me to work every day.

And being the ritualistic person that I am, I start every day the same. I bring a soda, some cheez-itz, a salad, a red bull, and a mt dew with me to work every day. When I get to my office I take off my sunglasses, put my purse down and take my 1 bottle (Only bottles, no cans) of Mt Dew to the kitchen along with my lunch. I put my soda in the top shelf on the door of the 1st refer (We have 3 refer’s in our kitchen - it’s a big kitchen)

I return to my desk, check my email, read my daily blogs, and drink my red bull and work. Around 10am my friend brings me a soda. He’s on a ritualistic schedule like me too. He gets a Pepsi and I get a Mt Dew and we take our 1st drink is silence. We try to never drink alone. That will last me through lunch. Then around 3pm I get antsy and I head to the kitchen for the soda I brought from home.

Well, today at noon, I go to get my salad and glance over at the door - NO FUCKING SODA THERE. They took it! They fucking stole my soda! There is some soul-less mother fucker around here who does this and I’m beside myself with anger about it.

This has happened before. They will finish your left overs. If you bring a loaf of bread it will slowly start to disappear. A package of cookies in a bag, in a drawer, with your name written ALL OVER IT and day by day, 1 cookie at a time the package will empty itself.

I would rather them steal my car. Then I would at least have a valid reason to get upset. Then I could file a complaint with the police. Then I could get reimbursed for my time and troubles from my insurance company. Then someone could go to jail. Then I would understand it. Oh man, they were on drugs, they were in a rough place, they were SOMETHING UNDERSTANDABLE... This doesn’t make it less upsetting or right, but steal my lunch or my soda? They were what...? Thirsty? It’s not like life or death thirsty. We have a water dispenser right there. We have free popcorn in the lounge. UGH.

Right now I’m SO UPSET, but at the same time it’s like - seriously, all this energy over a fucking soda? it’s only a dollar... I have a dollar... fuck-it whatever. And this is why they do it. Because they can get away with it. I know it’s so lame, but this type of thing really tweaks my sensibilities. I am a generous person. I’ll buy you lunch or do a lot of bending over backwards for you - so all you have to do it ask. But to just show up, say “Hey that looks good” and take it makes me crazy.

Seriously, whoever you are - you can go to mother fucking hell.

Spent over an hour reviewing the security tapes from our kitchen (Yes, we have cameras in there because this is a CHRONIC offense around here...) Couldn’t find the culprit though. There is a 6 second delay and after several trial runs, I can make it into camera, grab the item, and off camera in the 6 second window... GOD DAMMIT!

HOWEVER, look what I just saw on the water fountain outside the bathroom...!

I know whose stuff that is!!

This wouldn’t be so significant if it wasn’t a little 12 oz bottle. Those you have to buy in a 12 pack at the grocery store. They aren’t sold in vending machines or convenience stores...

And I walked by her desk today and there it is.... She using it as a refillable water bottle. The rest of the week I’m on stake-out! I’ve written my initials on the bottom of a new bottle and placed it in the same place and I’m not going to drink it! When she takes that one, that bitch is so busted!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

How did that get there!?!?

I can't even begin to tell you how much I love my roomies. They are phenomenal, kind, happy, sweet, nice, overall GOOD GIRLS... That being said, I have NO IDEA what they think of me.

With fear and trepidation, Melissa came to me this evening to inform me of the bad news. I prepare for her to tell me she's moving out. She's fatally injured the dog. She's lost her job. Something tragic, ya know!? Uhhhh, Noooo - She has accidentally dropped a piece of meat on the side of the oven. You know, that side that is wedged tight against the kitchen cabinetry. What should she do?

I find this hilarious... Here I am worried about all this serious stuff. Did she think I would yell at her? Kick her out? ha!

My answer?? "Okaaay, why don't you get it out so it doesn't stink..."

As I mentioned in a prior blog, I'm the fixer around here. I don't know how it happened, but somewhere I earned a reputation for being able to do ANYTHING! After many blank stares, I suggest we get a wire hanger and unwrap it and just poke it and pull it out. Seems obvious enough.

Now here's where the story gets good. Our house was built in the 80's sometime and it has older appliances. The oven doesn't seemed to have been moved much. As we are crouching down and poking around for this rogue piece of beef, I happen to get a little LOWER and low and behold... there is a cornucopia of color down there. Like a fabric store. Or a yarn factory. or the cat toy isle at Petsmart. Yeah, that's right - Cat Toys. SO MANY CAT TOYS.

Everyone is down on their hands and knees saying WOW and WTF and HUH and then everyone just gets up and walks away. Am I the only one who is bothered by this? Apparently so. So at 10pm I start my determined yet magical journey to pull this oven out and get these cat toys!

After I pull the oven out, I realize I could have just taken the little faux drawer off the front. (Jesus Christ, you're kidding me...) Then I realized I have pulled off some sort of vent. (Mother fucking unbelievable...) It's okay, it's okay. I cleaned all under there and put the oven back. Got my duct tape and resealed the vent onto its proper place and I feel really good that everything is perfect again in my world.

Total tally for under the oven?

1 golf ball
3 beer bottle caps
5 milk carton tops
19 cat toys. (yes, nineteen)

What the fuck was going on under my oven !?!?!?

I of course got over it and threw everything away, but I think the thing that gets me the most is everyone else's reaction TO ME. They kept saying, that stuff really bothered you didn't it? You just had to get it didn't you?

Wouldn't it bother you? I guess I just don't feel comfortable leaving 2 dozen FABRIC toys under something that's sole purpose involves FIRE. I know it's a stretch, but that's seems unsafe somehow. And it's dirty so I wanted to use this as motivation to scrub back there too.

Am I really that strange? Am I the only one who thought that wasn't worth 20 minutes of my time? Would you have just left it there? I'm so scared to believe the answer is yes. That's probably how 20 cat toys wound up there in the first place, and STAYED there!

Sometimes I feel so alone in this world. hahahaha

3 blogs in 1 day!

I know, I'm just sitting here writing blog after blog. My brain is on hyperspeed and and I have all these things I think that I want to tell the world, but I never stop to write it down. So today, I had time and you are getting 3 blogs in 1 day. AWESOME!

The only thing I wanted to mention today is about my house. We are funny here! There are 3 of us girls and we get along swell. I would say we are all pretty healthy and not fat by any means - but boy do we have a food thing here!

I'll admit it right now - I'm the ring leader. I love food. And I buy food without any realistic expectation of eating it all! I fear it borders on addiction. Look at our house right now...

UHHHH, that's too much food! Do you know that we have THREE huge jars of pickles in that fridge?

I try to announce each week what we aren't allowed to purchase. There is more popcorn and lasagna noodles and cheese than a grocery store. There is also a freeze on purchasing straws and onions and cereal and salad dressing. And I definitely put a ban on bringing any more ramen, macaroni and cheese, tea, or rice in here!

I'm a single person and I know spending $400 a month on groceries is outrageous! Packing the fridge takes every Tetris skill I have and it has got to stop! I think I need an intervention!

Because I like to share...

Yeah, I like to share random facts about me. I don't know why. They are usually personal and most of the time, not in a flattering way. When you click around in the blog world you see people who post the "6 facts about me" thing... and then I guess you tag your readers to do the same. I'm not going to limit myself to 6 though. I'm an overacheiver...

I don't think I have any readers, but I'm going to do it anyways... Hell, I re-read my own blogs and think I'm awesome so let me quit pretending this was about anyone other than myself anyways! HA HA HA Shoot, someone may read this... Or maybe something will happen to me and you all can pop onto my blog and feel like you shared a part of my life. EVER last boring neurotic detail. HA! I didn't mean that to be as morbid as I think it sounded, oh my god. Anyways, on to the facts.

1) I am quite positive I am the only one who knows how to properly load a dishwasher. I will be repacking it if you put something in there. Just deal with it. And yes, I DID READ THE MANUAL about water flow and which sections are best suited for which type of plate/bowl/cup/etc. Awww Maaan, I gotta get a life!

2) (a) I am very breakable. I have broken my left arm high jumping, my right arm snowboarding (I tried to follow cute boys off the beaten path), my left leg bike riding (I hit a lady while racing back to camp at Lake Almanor), my left elbow roller blading (My sister was trying to teach me how to spin so that we could make a video spoof of Nancy Kerrigan getting her knee smashed by Tanya Harding... LOL), and my back in a car accident. (b) I am stubborn and don't learn my lesson quickly that there are things I just shouldn't try. I know, I know - I should stay indoors!

3) I HONESTLY THINK I'M HILARIOUS.. hands down. I like me. I crack myself up. I find my own OCD and neurosis amusing. If I knew me, we would most definitely FIGHT... but really, I crack myself up all the time...

4) I do have the potential to just SNAP. One day, in a TV mini drama moment I WILL come unglued. I've written about it in past blogs. I fear I'm going to lose it and (*) drive right into the back of a slow moving vehicle to push them faster [Quick flash - Fried Green Tomatoes](*) clock an old lady at the check out isle if she moves any closer to me (*) Take all 10 of my poorly packed PLASTIC bags when I only needed 1 canvas bag and just turn them upside down in the isles [Quick flash - Michael Douglas in Falling Down - the Whammy Burger scene] (*) key that bitches car next time she refuses to park it in the garage... [Quick flash - any Jerry Springer episode] You know - SOMETHING BAD...

5) I'm not good at math. While it causes me much grief and embarrassment, I just can't do it. I can solve the problem, but the actual numbers are mind boggling. I still add with my fingers and everything else, i just use my calculator. What's wrong with calculators? Actually it's anything that involves a number. I can't tell you how many years ago something happened. I could never guess the weight of something. I have no idea how much time it takes to get somewhere. I have no idea how many thousands of miles it is from Fresno to Vegas. I don't know how many ounces is in a quart or centimeters in an inch. It's a curse. THANK GOD FOR GOOGLE and my iPhone with it's google potential. I look way more capable than I really am.

6) I have a lot of rules about movies... I do not watch Westerns... Love stories... Period Pieces... Romantic comedies... War movies... Sci-Fi... Disney or kids movies... or Horror... Except, The Little Mermaid is the greatest movie of all time. And I'm going to have an "under the sea" themed party at my house. I want to be Ariel and HarMar is going to be Flounder and it will be the best themed party ever held. If you don't know the words to every song, there is something wrong with you. It's awesome and I don't care what you say.

7) (*BONUS*) I can't read regular clocks. :( Why do I try and take this hand this way and that hand that way and when the sun shines at the right time and 40 billion years ago when there were only roman numerals... UHHH NO... Fucking digital is where it's at. What time is it? 2:21... Very simple. Thank you.

8) (*BONUS*) When I blow out a candle, I have to KEEP BLOWING on it until it is completely extinguished. No flame, ember, or even smoke can be coming from the candle. I have no rhyme or reason for it, it's just "a thing" of mine...

9) (*BONUS*) I like things to be very very even. I always rearrange the eggs in the cartons to the middle of the carton so it's more balanced. Sometimes I'll even use an extra egg so that is perfectly even in 4's or 6's, etc...

10) (*BONUS*) I'm a compulsive list maker. Now, don't laugh, but I even made a list about writing this list online. HA! It's not so much that I'm into the list, but that I know myself and when you have 10 billion thoughts flying thru your head, you are bound to forget at least 9 billion of them. So I write it down. Then I refer back to my list and make sure I mentioned everything.

11) (*BONUS*) Ok, I lied earlier... I am also into the list... Every day I write a "To Do" list. I never write a list in the same color pen as the day before. How boring! Also, if in the process of writing the list I make a mistake... I will ALWAYS tear it up and start fresh. Even if I'm on the very last listing. No one else is allowed to write on my list. It MUST be in my handwriting. And when you complete something you must highlight all the way across the page. Don't just highlight the words, continue on until the WHOLE line is highlighted. YES, I know I just lost at least 2 friends.

I will NEVER be this cool...

I'm just taking a second to write about my dad. He is the coolest. And I'm not partial here, he just is. My friends would rather hang out with him than me 1/2 the time. Who wouldn't? He is the happiest person on earth. And the hardest worker I know. And secretly brilliant (He doesn't walk around spouting about algebra and scientific theory, but there isn't ANYTHING he can't do) In fact, you can pretty much catch him laughing 24 hrs a day... even if you see him driving the car by himself!
Tradition in our house.  1) Prizes displayed on bar (2) prizee takes pics with everyone in house (Me, my dad, and my brother)
He's a wirey little black man that has captured the hearts of all. He'll stop whatever he's doing and drive across town to unclog my kitchen drain for the 3rd time (I know I know, I can't put potato peels down there... but it's hard not to!) He'll take the day off to fix my car. He'll show up at night and secretly kill spiders outside the house and not even mention he was there. He'll bring his car 20 miles outside of town for me to drive home because there was a spider in my car!

All he asks for is food. LOTS OF FOOD. VOLUME FOOD. BIGGEST POT OF FOOD YOU CAN MAKE AND THEN DOUBLE THAT RECIPE. FILLER FOOD. LOL How does a 63 year old 140 lb man eat so much? Don't EVER challenge him. My dad is a retired Fire Department Captain. Most fire houses have a cook and the rule is, if you cook you don't do dishes. My dad does not cook. His idea of cooking is opening a can of tuna, turning it upside down on bread and eating that. Last week he ate an entire head of romaine lettuce. PLAIN. One leaf at a time. No bowl. No dressing. No nothing. Just lettuce. But he ALSO does NOT do dishes. He says he would always bet that if he ate more than the other guys he could get out of doing the dishes. 35 years and never touched a dish. Don't challenge him.

Yesterday he took my brother and I to the lake. Just a quick trip. We stopped and got snacks at the store and found a place to drift around in the shade... and my dad started talking. He proceeds to tell us story after story of his unassuming coolness. Seriously - I will NEVER be that cool. When he was 24, he had a little ski/speed boat they called "Short Change". He was at Shaver lake and noticed 2 boats that were hot rodding around and racing. These boats looked and sounded fast. I can't tell the story nearly as cool as him, but apparently when he heard the boats firing up for another race he went out to meet them. Some may consider that to be a cool enough part of the story. Even if he was a long shot in an unassuming little boat the story goes on. When he took off his friend decided he wanted to water ski out there... So they get out there and OOOPS the race is right NOW and it's on. My dad looks back at his friend Fred and Fred gives the huge thumbs up (Hit It! Go Faster!) signal. They womped on the gas and beat both the boats with Fred in tow!!!!!!!!

I will NEVER be this cool! I'm already 6 years older than he was at that point and my idea of a good time is drinking a glass of wine and watching Judge Judy on the TiVo! Ok, I do some cool stuff every once and a while, but god damn - he's too cool!

You would all be so lucky to know him! Just had to put that down in writing.

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