Friday, December 25, 2009

Why my version of Christmas spirit involves killing mother earth...

OMG - this holiday crap is just that... CRAP!  Mostly because it doesn't matter how old I am, I'm always caught off guard by the insanity.  I'm only like one and a half sentences in and I already feel like this could wind up being a really long post. UH OH - I'll try to keep it quick.

My family has never and still doesn't celebrate holidays so I don't have many expectations for this time of year. I covered my Thanksgiving woe HERE... I still feel that way, but Christmas is a little different. I'm sorry, but if anyone was more meant for shopping, baking, decorating, wrapping, party planning, and gift baskets - it was ME ME ME!!! That's okay, there's really no law that says you can't do that year round right?

Actually, it's probably better to do it year round! Towards the end of the year, things get CUH RAY ZEE! Holy shit people, settle down. The obligation and intensity put into this business is mind boggling.

All I want to do is go to Costco and buy 10 tri-tips and some party plates. FUCK!! It was like roller derby or bumper cars but with shopping carts... the streets were packed... the stores were crowded... and LISTEN, I like this stuff. I love the excitement and the people watching, and evesdropping on the next isles convo, but WOW... Not this week! It's like zombies took over!!

Where's all the holiday spirit and smiles and people wearing aprons bringing over trays of fudge or the "merry christmas" smiles and greetings???

You poor retail cashier drones... When I have a project I can easily go to 10+ different stores in a day searching for just the right items. That's a lot of shopping, a lot of observations, a lot of everything - this makes me an expert. (I was just proving my credentials...)

However, I'm sort of a canvas bag nazi - I have this goal to never take a plastic or paper bag from anyone. I've written many angry posts about how poorly people pack a canvas bag or how wasteful people are packaging EACH ITEM in a different bag. The combination of all this craziness and stress and tension and deadlines and all the things I need being wiped clean from the shelves in some sort of frenzy leaves me a bit on edge myself. After the 4th store, I thought, you know what FUCK IT, could you put my plastic bags in a plastic bag please? I cannot fight you anymore. You broke me! I couldn't hand the bag and explain the purpose of the bag and request you fit all my items into one bag ANYMORE. YOU WIN! You cashiers are tired. You don't want to have chatty interaction with me. You don't want to talk or look or think or even be there for that matter, so OKAY. I GET IT. I will express my kindness and gratitude this Christmas season by allowing our mother earth to be a giant plastic landfill. Just whatever.

It's like Oprah. And YOU get a plastic bag! and YOU get a plastic bag! and YOU get to cut down a tree! and YOU get to help cause global warming... I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, I just know I hated it, but it was a kindness to let them go through their routine and get the hell outta there.

So there - Happy Holidays from me to you!


Mintzworks December 26, 2009 at 10:43 AM  

you're cute when you're angry...

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