Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Holiday Deconstruction

Before I say ANYTHING, let me show you the one thing that makes me smile EVERY TIME! This is HarMar snuggling in my warming blanket. AWWWWW


Okay, so I lied. This really doesn't have anything to do with the holidays. You can't miss something you've never done. I don't have all these mushy feelings about family and tradition. I'm a vegetarian so I don't even miss eating the food, but still I start to breakdown towards year end.

I see people planning parties, making effort to get together, dressing cute to attend gatherings, cooking, going out of their way to extend kindness, and that's when it starts to eat at me.

I'm lonely.

I feel empty.

I have no place to go. Nothing to do. I just sit here by myself and imagine this is what it's like to be the last person on earth. The stores are closed. There's no one outside. I can't call anyone to do anything, aaaaannnnddddd, that's when I cry and feel bad for myself.  Sure I could go to my parents, but it's not the same. We'd just sit there and watch TV and I'd rather lay on MY couch and nap than try to foce an interaction just to prove to myself I'm not the last person on earth.

I shouldn't even be writing this. Now you guys will call and give me the pity invite to your house. That's not the point either and I won't be attending, so save your breath. Sigh.

It's hard too because I can't shut my brain off. I start reflecting on the past year and pondering what the next year will bring me and it tailspins. Did I accomplish everything I wanted to this year? Where will I be next year? Are my expectations realistic? Have I made big enough personal growth? How can I lose these last pesky 15 pounds? Why are things so hard sometimes? UGH!

On second thought, don't read this, it's just depressing. BUT, if you thought you noticed I was in a funk, yeah I am. Just go on about your business. I'll snap out of it, I promise.

You know what else helps? Nature! Driving around Woodward Lakes is like getting my 1st lesson in COLOR! Just LOOK! WOW - even this picture makes me feel better already!

3 comments:

Mintzworks November 25, 2009 at 5:16 AM  

Dear Marisa-

I don't think it's very nice of you to copy my blogs and thoughts and situation.

I'm pretty sure I have written this exact same blog (minus the cute dog photo and the Woodwark Park colors) every year, including the 'don't give me the pity invite.'

Ugh...every time someone brings over food from their happy party time I feel like absolute crap, like I'm some shut-in with cancer.

But I guess loneliness and depression kinda IS like cancer, only without the stigma and the ready excuse to go missing out on stuff. Cancer patients get to say they're sick, but us folk just get called 'flakes.'

Either way, I'll be thinking of you this holiday time while I watch something from my dvd collection for the fifth time.

Take care of yourself, have some vegan cake. You deserve it.

Steph

MilesPerHour November 25, 2009 at 3:47 PM  

I get to spend the day with 46 other people-want to borrow some of them?

BLACK DOG November 28, 2009 at 9:35 PM  

Hi there. My Thanks Giving sucked too.
I spent most of it larking on-line.

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