Friday, April 14, 2006

I don't want to do this anymore

Yeah... That about sums it up. Everything sucks. And I can't even tell you if I'm unbelievably sad. Really lonely. Or I just don't care anymore.

Spare me the speech where you say... "Oh My Gosh Marisa, You're so smart and pretty and successful... everything will be fine" UGH

I'm numb.

I'm sure things will pass. It's only been 1 week since grandma died... Did I mention grandpa was given today to live... so boy should tomorrow be exciting. Can't wait to attend another barbaric funeral.

I really don't want to care tomorrow. I don't want to "need" anymore.... to worry anymore. Not that these leave much to be desired in an average life. I'm home alone today. It sucks and yet i could care less. I feel trapped in the quit center of a storm. Like there is nothing, no sound...

So before I just rant out things that are mean and stupid and defetist, I'll simply write lyrics from my new favorite song:

Beth Hart
Hidden Track after ..13 - Screaming For My Supper

Violence, here them play
On the Fence, where I lay
It's where I live
Tumble down to the ground
Watch it flash
Not a sound, there's no sound

And he says, that it don't matter to me
He'll say, that all this love is for free
He said, it don't matter to me, it don't matter to me

Take me down, unconsciousness
Hold me now, decadence
Lay me out in your house of sin
Take me down...
...There's no sound

House of sin, somebody sinned
Tumbled down onto my knees
Watch it burn, hold your screams
Somebody sinned

He said nothing to me
That all this war is for free
He said, it ain't nothing to me and i would never agree
So take me now, unconsciousness
Hold me now, decadence
Lay me in your house of sin
Take me down


Violence screaming at your feet
You're sowing every time you speak


Good night everyone.

Saturday, April 1, 2006

Melancholy and my infinite sadness

Sounds dramatic doesn't it? Well it is, so if you want to keep pretending that I'm just happy go lucky all the time, stop reading now.

On this rollercoaster of life, I've found myself in a downward spin. I wish I had the courage to just kill myself and not have to worry anymore, but the eternal optimist in me says tomorrow will be better. It's tomorrow... It's the day after tomorrow... It's still not better...

I just returned from my grandma's funeral. You know, the grandma who hasn't spoken to me in 2 years. The grandma who put religion before family and considered me the... what am I saying? She didn't "consider me" at all. I wasn't even welcome at the hospital to say goodbye. Yeah that grandma... the sweet little old lady that was so affectionately called "Dear Dear" by all that knew her.

As I walk into the hall where 562 people arrive to pay their respect, I'm not allowed to speak to anyone. I am angry, yet i find myself crying. Crying, not for the grandma who didn't care, but for myself. For myself as I see a SEA OF PEOPLE all hugging and "supporting" each other, but not me. Marisa, once again, has to be strong for herself. As I look at my sister who hasn't so much as glanced in my direction for over 2 years, and my brother sitting with his new wife that I was so diplomatically not invited to the wedding. THEY smile, THEY get hugs, THEY get support... THEY are ok. But not me. I will forever wear this scarlet letter. The one that lets everyone know what a wreched whore I am. What a defective reject I am.

It hurts... I HURT...

THEY are all on their way to a huge dinner/gala event. 561 of them were invited. Not me. I was sent home, told to LEAVE. It would be inappropriate for me to "sociallize" OF COURSE. For those of you who have talked to me, you would know my WORST fear in life is for someone to not like me... HMPF... Talk about living your nightmare.

I will never be the same from the experience of these last 2 years. So alone. So unworthy. Marked. How can they do this to someone? Yes, I've made mistakes. Yes, I OWN THEM. I LIVE THEM... But I can't take them back. 2 years - TWO YEARS. Where I gave up everything I knew, my husband, my house, my dogs, my friends, my family and I'm still not forgiven. This from the people who said these "displinary actions" were out of love. A loving reproof to HELP ME see the errors of my ways and return to the right path. Well, if embarassment and rejection and shame is a "loving reproof" then consider me reproved.

So I'm that girl. The sad girl who sits in her house. The wierd girl who cuts herself and cries herself to sleep at night. And why go outside? So that I can spend my evening avoiding the 6.5 millions Witnesses out there who aren't allowed to utter so much as a "hello" to me? I didn't know I was THAT GIRL. You know, the one who is so powerful that simply speaking a greeting to me is enough to cripple your whole faith in god. Be warned...

I have some friends. They say "Call me if you need to talk..." Talk about what? About all the things that I can't do anything about? About all the things no one else could understand unless they had truly walked in my shoes?

I have no friends. All I have is distractions. I don't know anyone like me. I know cool people with husbands, kids, busy lives, things to live for, look forward to. And so I sit here in this house... I work... I work some more. I feed the dog. That about covers it.

So I'm home, home alone, again. And I've lost interest in this subject. It's saturday night, but no ones calling. And I don't know if I want them to. I have work to do. I have some shelves to put together in the garage to store some work decorations on.

Take care all. I'll be fine. I always am.

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