Monday, May 4, 2009

I'd say near death experiences deserve a chocodile... (NOW WITH UPDATE)

Today, I deserve a chocodile.

• Did you forget so quickly that I am the clumsiest person you know?
• Did you forget how much I hate myself for being the clumsiest person you know?

Yesterday I flooded my car. NO, I'm not a dumb girl, the car is just incredibly fussy about starts and stops. I moved it out of the driveway so my roommie could leave and didn't let her run for a while cuz it was early. Yup, that's all it takes. Luckily my dad came and we followed the 2 page instruction manual for how to deflood the car (yes, I keep the printout in my glovebox as it does this often or has to get towed to the dealership!) and it worked.

Today I was doing dishes at work in our kitchen because there are some nasty lazy people around here who just schlep their half full bowls of food into both basins like neanderthals! This means the rest of us can't even clean out our water thermos without picking up after their nasty mess first. There was a platter that had chocolate dipped strawberries on it from 2 weeks ago (my platter that disappeared) that I was going to soak. Apparently the side had chipped and a 1" diameter flat piece of porcelain was stuck like cement from 2 week old dried up strawberry juice to the platter. As I used my hand with some force to push the leftover food into the disposal, I met my demise and my index finger was sliced from the top straight back.

I held it over my head, I applied pressure, I cried, and then I was escorted to the urgent care because it was still pouring blood everywhere!

In the end I declined stitches cuz I'm a wuss and would rather break a bone than deal with a needle.

Here's me with my chocodile.


And should you feel free to click any of the random links above, I expect many sympathies for how embarrassingly lame and easily injured I am.

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Yeah, I think most of the time I have a fabulous life. And little things I laugh off. And mostly I just like to tell a good dramatic story. HOWEVER... Today I'm being paid back for all the wonderful Mondays I've had. List of tragedies include but not limited to:
1) I have been sick. I fear it's bronchitis. You can rest assured I do NOT have scurvy though because if it's possible to O.D. on vitamin C then I'll post my formula for that next week!
2) Cut finger off. (well, you know... it sucked)
3) Spider in my office. (Read Here or Here for how I feel about spiders.)
4)Start Period. That's not a tragedy and I guess it's TMI, however, majorly uncool!
5)Randomly I just got a wicked nose bleed. Okay, I know right? What the hell? Apparently whatever this plague is that I'm receiving, the method of delivery is to bleed to death.
6) Get in golf cart to drive across work lot, tire goes flat.

Just a day in the life. I'm scared to move. Can someone come carry me to my car and drive me home? Please?

4 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid May 4, 2009 at 12:26 PM  

You deserve a chocodile DIPPED IN Mountain Dew, then hand-fed to you by Edward Norton in American History X. You trooper you.

ZenMom May 4, 2009 at 12:45 PM  

Um, I don't mean to alarm you, but I think we might be sisters. Or at least identically klutzy cousins.

Seriously, I just read all of your "I'm klutzy" posts. And, yeah, it was kind of a checklist of my life.

Cuts, scrapes, bruises, sprains? Daily occurrences. Banged shins, mystery bruises, tripping over linoleum? Been there, done that.

You don't even want to know how I broke my leg. (I usually tell people it was rescuing a kitten from a tree or pushing a baby stroller from the path of an out-of-control semi. But, no. The truth is much more embarrassing.)

I joke that I'm the only freak who could end up in the emergency room on a date.

Three times.

But one of them was totally not my fault. And not even *my* injury. So, I think that one doesn't count.

Anyway, just thought you might like to know you're not alone.

And we should probably never, ever, ever be in a room together. :)

brodiemash May 6, 2009 at 8:44 AM  

Dood! Just reading your description of how you cut your finger gave me the chills. Hope it heals fast and we demand pics of the cut once the bandages come off.

Mintzworks May 7, 2009 at 7:03 AM  

For the record, ZenMom is absolutely a klutz.

She was on that date with ME when she broke her leg. SUCH a romantic date! First time for us both at a haunted forest (good date idea, right?? lots of clinging and hugging and scaredededness).

Leave it to ZenMom to trip over a clod of dirt. Dowwwn she went. Ow. Said she. Eh. Said me. It's broken, said she! It's not, said me!

One touch, and yep. Broken. Weird way to meet the owner of the haunted event. And while the scary monster person tried to block me the whole night (he came to the emergency room and flirted with my hotdate ZenMom! what's up with that??!), I ended up working in the haunted attraction business, and have been doing so ever since that night.

Klutz happens for a reason. It's likely the blood from your finger (and now nose) is actually the natural cure for swine flu. These things happen for a reason!

PS--ZenMom should've got the scary monster's number. I was a lousy boyfriend at that time.

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