Monday, August 25, 2008

The day my life flashed before my eyes...

To all my loyal readers - I almost died today. I know you all think I'm dramatic. And that's okay because I know the truth. And I almost seriously died. I'm taking a moment from my busy Monday to document how happy I am to be alive, although my adrenal glands are officially shot. DONE. FINISHED. It will take at least 2 Red Bulls to get me out of bed tomorrow (and possibly a tranquilizer to get me in my car to go home)

Let me give you some background here. I live with 2 other girls. 2 girls who sometimes look to me as the man of the house. I'm not quite clear on this part, but when the garage door breaks - they call me. When there is a spider in their room - they call me. I know nothing about garage doors and I have a literal and paralyzing fear of spiders. But that's how it goes around my place :)

Not daddy long legs, not the little ones on the webs you see here and there. I was raised in the country... I can handle a spider... But the last time Melissa had a spider in her room, it went a little bit like this (But MORE painful, and MUCH MORE SCREAMING!!!!)



So, as I may have mentioned in a past blog, my dad and brother came over and demolished nearly THIRTY black widows from around and INSIDE our house! We have quite the problem.

This morning was ALMOST the end of me. 1st of all, today is the first day of school. So traffic is nothing but a plague. I get up at 5:55am and get ready so I can be out the door early! I'm in my car by 7:10am and I'm driving along Friant to get on the 41 - I'm just going under the overpass to go through the meter right as traffic blocks you in and stops.

Have you ever felt like you had a hair on your arm? OH MY GOD! I look down at my left arm and, ladies and gentlemen, this was no hair! It was a spider crawling its way down my arm towards my elbow. And not just any spider. It was definitely NOT a wolf spider, a house spider, or a brown recluse... but I'm pretty sure it was a male black widow. (The females are the ones with the bulbous body - the males have the same legs, but flat back) It had those long legs that you can FEEL on you.

In my SHEER TERROR I scream and frantically brush it off of me. NO WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHERE DID IT GO?!?!?!?!?!?

THE SPIDER IS BLACK
I'M WEARING ALL BLACK
THE INTERIOR OF MY CAR IS BLACK

OH... (SCREAM) MY.... (SCREAM SCREAM MAYBE IT'S IN MY HAIR) GOD... (SCREAM SCREAM OH SHIT I'M STILL DRIVING THE CAR)!!!

I HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS CAR.
There is a spider in my car, I'm trapped in my car, I can't pull over, I'm on the on ramp in rush hour traffic!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK ack is that it on my leg, is it in my pants, is it on my foot, How do I get out of the car, this wasn't a daddy long leg, this was poisonous, omg omg omg omg omg omg

WHITE LIGHTS.... I see the white light at the end of the tunnel.

I pretty felt like I was James Bond and the bad guy had stashed a viper under my seat to do me in. As a matter of fact, I have a disgruntled neighbor who keeps mentioning he wants to let Cobras loose in his yard to deter cats pooping there - I better check on that.

Otherwise, I called screaming and crying and hysterical for back up and got off the freeway at the soonest available exit and jumped around until someone showed up to check my hair and clothes and car for the terrorist. I know you are all shaking your head and thinking this is ridiculous. It is. And it's embarrassing to even admit this. But truth is, I've never been so scared in all my life. It was simply horrific and traumatic.

We never found the spider and that was just about the most tense I've ever been driving my car to work. I don't quite know how I'm going to get home yet either. Most likely he is living in my car now. God help us all.

But for now I'm thankful to be alive.

:)

1 comments:

Captain Chaos August 25, 2008 at 5:54 PM  

Fucking awesome. I can't stop laughing.

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