Tuesday, August 26, 2008

SpiderGate 08 - Update


Well, there is no end in sight to the reign of terror these spiders have at my house!

After my harrowing ordeal last night, my dad was kind enough to drop his car off for me and take the death trap home. Although, according to my mom and to my amusement, he stopped 3 times to jump out of the car proclaiming “There’s spiders in this car!” So at least I know it wasn’t just me! We’ve looked and sprayed and everything, but couldn’t find any... I’m just one nervous driver with my finger on the trigger now. (SHIVERS)

So anyways, my dad is very heroic, and was kind enough to come over last night - in shorts and sandals armed with nothing more than a flashlight and a can of carburetor cleaner - and save a household of helpless women from imminent death!

He killed 15 black widows! 1 which attached itself to the broom I gave him and rode his web flying into my living room to my screams of terror as I was behind my dad and this thing was FLYING after him! NO ONE is getting a good nights sleep in Woodward Lakes, that’s for sure.

SOO, don’t think it’s over... I’m not done yet!!

THIS MORNING, I get up early again. My car is parked in the driveway, not the garage. DON’T ASK ME WHY, but instead of going out the garage door like I ALWAYS do, today I thought, I’m gonna go out the front door.

AND ACCCKKKK! I walk smack dab into a HUGE web and there is the grandma of all widows right out in the open on the wall of my house under my doorbell!!

OH MY GOD!

So I run back in the house, put my armfull of stuff down, grab the spider spray we have (Dad took home the caburetor cleaner) and I foamed the shit outta this thing and then smashed it with my shoe! UNBELIEVABLE! So apparently my fear of spiders is not paralyzing, just terrifying.

All proud of myself, I put the spray away, grab my stuff and head back out the door. I round the corner, look to my left and BAM!!! Big as a quarter is another great grandma of a widow on the wall of my house! I’m so amazed I don’t even scream this time! I run back in, put my stuff down, get the spray and KILL her too!!! FUCKING UNREAL IS WHAT THAT SHIT IS!

!!! EPIDEMIC !!!

So I’m in a conquering mood today. I have successfully triumphed over evil this morning and I’m living another day to tell you my tale.

1 comments:

Anonymous August 26, 2008 at 6:30 PM  

Hmmmm. OK, first of all any TRUE arachnaphobe knows that the male widow is very small and usually light brown with a tiny body (some can be black but have a very distinctive white 'skunk' like stripe). The male widow is also distinctive by its tendancy to cry in his beer and pine for the company of a woman (because I like making jokes at the expense of widows). Just a little FYI;-)

Also, it would seem to be that you may want to look into a little thing we call an EX-TER-MIN-A-TOR. They're these wonderful people who come over once a month with all sorts of noxious and highly volatile chemicals and they liberally and unsafely spray it everywhere...thus causing much beautiful spider carnage. Sure, the toxicity from this stuff will probably take a few years off of your life, and if you ever have kids they will be born with three arms and one eye, but really, I think that is a small price to pay for spiderless peace of mind, don't you? If you're going to live in a neighborhood like this, a monthly service is almost as important as pedicures, tanning salons, botox, silicone and a Mercedes lease.

-JJ

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