Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Part 1 - The Bravery...

Well, this last weekend proved to be insanely busy and quite wonderful, but first shall we take a journey?

Truth be told, I'm a chronic doubter of myself, which is funny (OK not funny) because typing it out just sounds ridiculous. Doing new things though usually leaves me crippled with fear. What if I don't know what to say? What if I wear the wrong outfit? What if my sarcasm is taken wrong? What if I know someone but I don't remember their name and they hate me? What if... what if... what if...??

Maybe I have no self-perception? This is kinda untrue as I'm pretty introspective and spend the majority of my time in my head, but also kinda very true because when people tell me how they perceive me, I never see it coming. Like if you locked me in a room and said, write down everything you think I'm thinking, I probably wouldn't come up with it. Damn you people are strange and unpredictable. Which is also funny because 99% of the time all I have to do is be within 5 feet of you and I will feel in my stomach whether we can be friends or not.

Usually when I first meet someone, I'm pretty much a dud. I sit and I watch and I listen. How do you talk? What do you think is funny? I watch how you blink and how you segue and how you move your hands when you talk and how you raise your eyebrows. I notice your shoes. I smell you. I fully envelope myself in you. Now you think I'm a total stalker. I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!

I just want to know how I'm supposed to be. Its like learning the steps to a newly choreographed dance. Should I be excited or quiet? Do you need to be the center of attention? What are your motivations? Are you religious? What's your favorite drink? What type of music do you listen to? What are you passionate about? You know, all the standard things you need to know when you are trying to assimilate someone. JUST KIDDING!

Maybe you never see it...? Maybe you think I'm funny and talkative and happy and smart...? God only knows... BUT anyways... enough about that!

Remember, I said we were going on a journey?

I only say all of the above so that you know how much mental effort it takes for me to leave the house. It takes a lot. To overcome that MOUNTAIN of questionable data and still say I had a good weekend is the testament of all time!

Well, in telling you all of my deepest darkest secrets, we've completed phase 1 of this "journey" and you can now proceed down the long hallway to your right, to MY WEEKEND!

See you tomorrow for Part 2 - The Excited

1 comments:

Mintzworks May 28, 2009 at 4:07 AM  

Hm. You sound perfectly normal to me.

It's the pretenders that act like they don't go through all the same stuff as you that are actually abhorrent to me.

Smell my shoes all you want.

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