Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Confessions of a Klutz

Well, actually - that is the confession. I’m a klutz. A terrible, flailing, bumbling, falling down, spill on myself, CRY ALL THE TIME ABOUT IT - klutz. I’m sure everyone dislikes something about themselves, but mine is so not fixable.

If I had a big nose I could get surgery.
If I was fat I could exercise.
If I was stuck in 80’s perm land, I could get a make over.
Wrinkly people get Botox.
Wine-o’s have Rehab.

But poor sad Marisa...?? NOTHING

I’m the one who turns around from my dresser and walks right into my bed.
I’m the one who takes a drink and immediately dribbles a drop on my new shirt.
I’m the one who bangs her shins on the dishwasher every time the drawer is down.
Tell a funny story and I’m the one who may spit out my drink.
Let me tell the story and I’ll wave my arms around and probably hit you.
I even walk into the occasional door frame.
I twitch and I make funny faces and I snort and I HATE. EVERY. LAST. SECOND. OF. IT.

You want a current story? How about this morning...? Every day I drive about 20 miles to work and I put my make up on. (There’s a certain part leading up to the FWY onramp that is NON moving - so it’s not THAT dangerous) I have on a new all white skirt. I just ask for trouble actually. (WHAT?? I look good in white!) and the mascara wand just flies out of my hand and slow motion bounces across my lap. REALLY? I can’t think of a time this has ever happened - but today, with a white skirt, I have unremovable mascara on it.

I try to be still, calm, slow, and methodical because inside, I JUST KNOW Grace Kelly or Audrey Hepburn is DYING to come out and say hello. I dream of being the elegant graceful girl that people look at and go WOW. They may say that about me for a second, but then I literally slide like a baseball player slides for home plate right under someone’s table at a Mexican Restaurant or I fall FLAT on my knees in a bar when a friend teasingly pushes my shoulder. Hell, I’m so talented I can fall up AND down a flight of stairs.

Haven’t you read my past stories of when I broke my arm trying to snowboard after some cute boys and fell on a jump? Or when I tried to learn how to spin on my roller blades and broke my elbow? Or when I ran over that lady on my bike, but wound up breaking MY OWN leg instead?

Seriously, I grieve over having to give up the dream of ever being thought of as statuesque or nimble. I talk to my close friends about it and they say “No, Marisa - we love that about you... Your spontaneous and excitable and you tell your stories with such passion and your face shows such expression!” “No no, Marisa, don’t change, that’s who you are, what we know you for!”

OH MY GOD, what? That’s what I’m known for? You think of me and the first thing of endearment that comes to mind is that I’m... THE ABOVE LIST OF TRAGEDY? Is now an appropriate time for sobbing?

I guess when you are in denial of something it sticks with you, so I’m fessing up and hopping this yucky, klutzy, clumsy, goofy side of me will give up the fight and just go away.

GO ON, GET... NO ONE LIKES YOU... NOW SCRAM... and don’t let the door hit you on the wa... well, actually it did just hit you... yep yep, ok that had to hurt, that’s gonna leave a bruise... SIGH - nevermind, come back inside - Let me get the first aid kit...


justme December 11, 2008 at 1:14 PM  


I am a klutz too, but what I REALLY hate about myself is my damn big mouth...People say it's okay, I'm just 'opinionated' or 'not afraid to speak my mind' and that those are GOOD traits to have, but I say BAH! Sometimes I REALLY REALLY wish I could just keep my mouth shut and my nose to myself.


It sucks, doesn't it? Knowing what we don't like but being FULLY incapable of changing it...

I see I made your blogroll...*shucks*, thanks :0)

Anonymous December 15, 2008 at 5:20 AM  

Sorry kiddo...we cannot change the essence of who we are. And really, if you want to get technical, I think klutzi-ness (word?) is a byproduct of anxiety/nervousness...and that's who you are too! Thing is, it's also a byproduct of energy, which you have in spades, which people gravitate towards...hence your large circle of friends:) It's not as bad as you think, and while frustrating to you and hell on your wardrode and your easily bruised fair skin, yes, that's right, we wouldn't have you any other way because you wouldn't be...Marisa...who we all like quite a bit. So having said that, um, why don't you let me open that can of hearts of palm for you? No need for another trip to the emergency room at midnight! (I swear I could have glued that finger myself...)

oneheavenlyheart December 15, 2008 at 8:40 AM  

It was a can of condensed milk for a goodbye party at work...

Yeah, midnight ER trips are better when you have a mangled finger and you have to keep explaining how that could happen baking a cake!

And you saw my face... I wasn't letting you GLUE my finger - that's my mouse clicking hand - if you botched it and took the internet from me, I'd have sent YOU to the ER!

Actually, someone bought me a fancy no edge can opener, so we're good to go!

Ms Picket To You December 16, 2008 at 12:57 AM  

oh dear sweet girl: do you not know that all of the boys absolutely love a klutz and us nice girls, who don't trip as much physically but do it in so many other ways, wish to scoop you up from under the table and say NO ONE SAW ANYTHING?

i mean you know that right?

silvergirl December 20, 2008 at 3:59 PM  

I agree with Ms Pickett. Example: The character of Bella from the Twilight series was intentionally written as a klutz because this endears her to women while also appealing to the "hero" in every man. (I'm 33, and while I would have loved to have been able to pull up a more age-appropriate reference, I'm drawing a blank right now.)

I'm right there with you on the twitchy thing and facial expressions, though. I've got that too, and I've always been self-conscious about it. God forbid the camera should catch me mid-expression...yikes!

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