Monday, January 26, 2009

A collection of Letters I've been meaning to write for a while...


Dear 'strange woman who looks like a man that has a mustache and drives a shitty KIA'

Did no one explain to you what cruise control is? It is nearly impossible to drive circles around my car while I've been going a steady 85 mph in the same direction for the last 135 miles, but somehow you found a way.

Possibly I am being intolerant. Maybe you have some sort of rare right leg only seizure which forces you to slow down to 50 mph and then SPASM and mash down on the gas and leap up to 100 mph, careening across traffic while spastically changing lanes as we all hold on for dear life? I shouldn't judge you.

Maybe you suffer from multiple personality disorder and this is merely you phasing between Matilda the 90 year old grandma driver and Steve the 'roided out road rage-aholic? Again I judged you, let me apologize. 200 miles and you are still circling me!

OR MAYBE - just maybe... you shouldn't be driving? Since I tried to escape you and you are still right next to me, clearly you are not afraid of me typing a blog on my iPhone and creepily taking pics of your car. Haha.

Either way I have thoroughly entertained myself and burst out laughing every time you FLY by me, so thank you.


Dear Severely Mentally handicapped lady who speaks only Spanish, but has my cell # on speed dial...

I have been trying so hard to come up with an explanation as to why you call me at all hours of the day and night. Over and over and over again. From different numbers, but I know it's you. At 8 am and 4 pm and 2 am...

Who exactly is Inara? And exactly how many times do you need to call before you actually understand this is not the person you are trying to reach?

I assumed you spoke Spanish, but my cries of "El numero es no bueno" have fallen on deaf ears and were only answered by another "...Inara?" Did I misunderstand something?

What part of my voice mail stating my name and speaking in English makes you think Inara will soon be returning your call?

Seriously... if you have this much of a deficit, how are you holding a job to pay for your cell phone? Someone? Anyone? HELP! We're talking no less than 100 calls over the last year.


Dear crazy lady who runs around the lake (rain, fog, sleet, darkness... nothing stops you) about 35 times a day who has a limp and is clearly not enjoying herself...

I admire your consistency, but what is your story?

I imagine you were in some sort of debilitating accident... something that left you damaged - maybe you thought you would never walk again... and now you run. You run that crazy curly hair flying but 1 leg is stiff run. I see you no matter what time I leave the house and I.AM.FASCINATED...!

MAYBE you were fat and had gastric bypass and lost all the weight, but your obsession with food has turned into some sort of compulsive exercise disorder!? And now you fear you will gain it all back if you don't RUN... RUN LIKE THE WIND... 24 hours a day...

Or MAYBE... you are just crazy... Cuz, goddamn you have never not been outside running... OMG STOP IT!


justme January 27, 2009 at 6:36 AM  

UGH, I think that bitch in the KIA has a relative or 5 that live by me with the same f*cking leg seizures...

I f*cking HATE those people. They DEFINITELY raise my blood pressure a few notches.

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