A good cornhole game, I guarantee you'll enjoy it!

So I said I'd post something that amused me.

Salespeople often send out followup letters to their customer base. I'm sure you've gotten them if you've ever bought a car, etc. Anyways, I was given some letters the business had received to see if any of the wording used was good for us to incorporate into our own company followup letters.

I'm innocently reading along and BAM, I discover this gem...

I just keep reading it and re-reading it, and it gets funnier EVERY time. Brilliant! Just brilliant!

Of course, someone spoiled all the fun and informed me that a game of cornhole is a bean bag toss. I was WAAAAY off! LOL

Hope this got you to chuckle! Happy Monday!

Louie Louie Louis CK

I seem to have a thing for severely inappropriate comedians. Like when you have to listen to them alone because you're not sure any of your friends could handle it. Or like when you're pretty sure he has serial killer potential.

The two shows I'm obsessed with right now are Louis CK (Louie on FX) and Daniel Tosh (Tosh.0 on Comedy Central).
I love both their comedy and their TV shows. You should check them out! Just don't judge me or think of me when you watch/listen to them though!

Dilbert gets me every time...

If you've had the pleasure of asking me computer questions, I'm pretty sure I've said something along the lines of: "Quit being afraid of it..." "Just push some buttons" "You can't break it anymore than it already is so why not just try something" "Don't even read it, just say OK OK OK"

And then I read this:

A HA HA HA - So my mom thought this was hilarious! In my defense, there's some sort of abnormal force around her house causing her computers to do things that hardly EVER happen.

Thought you could use a laugh. Happy Monday.

Picture show

Well, I don't think I've been up to too much lately, but I do like to document things... so besides scouring my house from head to toe and running a bunch of errands just look...

I saw a beautiful sunset over Woodward Park...

HarMar kept a close eye on the EVIL steam cleaner for me. I put it in the hallway and found him sitting next to it for 15 minutes! He really really hates that thing.

I'm obsessed with heirloom tomatoes and have been enjoying some caprese.


Well, everything else was just pictures of what I've eaten. Are people really interested in just seeing pictures of what I eat? I don't think so...

Anyways... What've you been up to?

Cake Wrecks - Fresno Edition

For those of you unfamiliar, Cake Wrecks is like THE MOST awesome blog. I especially love it because I like to cook and I think things taste better when they look pretty. Go check it out sometimes.

Anyways, I was at a local grocery store when I saw THIS:


Any comments? I'd imagine that if bumble bees had wheels and then you smooshed them flat this is what the guts of a wheeled bee would like like.

OR if you think the above wasn't quite SMOOSHED enough... what about this?

Well, I found it amusing. Thought I'd share!

Making cleaning fun...

Yeah, I'm a bitch... a big ole one too! I should be writing about how awesome my roommates are (Which I usually do BTW) but I'm also terribly terribly flawed.

I'm pretty sure they are playing a game with me. They have to be. I think the game is to see how quickly they can get the girl with MILD OCD symptoms to go completely lunatic raving mad insane.

Like how is it possible to open a closet door in the hallway and NOT SHUT IT completely? How do you leave it cracked? EVERY TIME YOU OPEN IT? HOW? Please teach me... because (and this may be a rather bold statement) I'm pretty sure that if my house was on fire and my most prized possessions were in that closet and all I had to do was grab them and run to safety - EVEN THEN I would still close the door completely.

I'm a STRONG believer in the philosophy "A place for everything and everything in it's place." I don't know if that's a philosophy actually. A statement? A quote? Let's make it a lifestyle. It's my lifestyle! I have little trays and a certain order I put things in. My kitchen drawers are very "consistent"... That's the word I'm going to use to downplay OCD, ok? Sort of like the hoarder who says they have a "cluttering" problem.

Anyways, I have a little caddy I use to hold my earth friendly cleaning supplies. They are for everyone to use as I "encourage" cleaning, ya know? This is how I found my caddy after someone so generously cleaned the kitchen while I was at work.

Let me just assure you, it does NOT look like that!

Look closer... This is me being clinically diagnosed INSANE!

INSANE!!!!


Someone tell me what is going on here. How come the bottles aren't upright? I.don't.understand.
DOES
NOT
COMPUTE

Was this a new way to make cleaning fun? Do we stand across the room and throw the cleaning bottles at the caddy and see if you can make a goal or what? It's like a physical impossibility for me to do anything like this.

And what am I supposed to do? HA! I just straightened it and said thanks for cleaning the kitchen, but oh my god, I wonder if they'll ever know how crazy I am. You don't think I'm crazy, DO YOU?

Pecking order of death (UPDATE: MORE PICTURES)

So there are city girls and there are country girls. I'd like to think I'm a decent mix of both. I was raised a country girl riding horses, catching lizards, and climbing trees among other things, but I absolutely love reality TV, manicures, and using any excuse to buy a new *anything*...

I'm terrified of snakes and spiders, but I'm okay with squirrels and june bugs and rats - go figure!

HOWEVER
YOU KNOW WHAT'S SCARY??

GEESE!

There are 7 families of geese at this place I go to every day. Here is a video of 2 families.
(Taken from the safety of my car)

Yes, they may not seem that scary just waddling their fat happy asses across the road, but what if you were forced to WALK by them? OH. MY. GOD.

1st of all - did you know that these midieval red eyed devils will hiss at you like a viper? Oh you did know that? Well, screw you because I did not know that and 911 had to take the paddles to me because it scared me to death!
2nd of all - I offer you the below picture that, for the sake of this blog, I risked my life to take!

Do you see the sniper goose at the top? I recommend you zoom in on this picture. I have highlighted with green arrow the two Carl Lewis' of the group, beaks agape, feet in FULL run towards me.


I had video of this encounter, but I deleted it too soon. I had accidentally hit the button twice, so when I thought I stopped it, I actually started it. All you hear is me say AAAAAHHHHH and then the camera drops down and videos my feet run away. Only now that it's gone do I realize how funny it was. DANG IT!

Do you see how they are EVERYWHERE I go? SO MANY!

Silent observations of a perfectly sane person...

Here's a light and fluffy post with pictures because it's late and I want to go to bed...

Does anyone else find this 5' tall advertisement amusing? Not even just a little bit raunchy? Am I really that far in the gutter? (Side note, isn't "Grande Taquito" an oxy-moron? I don't see any advertisements for 'Big Small **whatever**' but hey, I don't get out much! Spanish is a funny language.)


Be honest with me my new virtual friends. Do these "Gummy Tummies" appeal to you?
(1) I find the penguin to be a quite adorable creature personally. Therefore the thought of eating it isn't first on my mind. (Also there's that lame vegetarian thing)
(2) If times get any tougher (It's a recession you know) and some rare minature migrating penguins overtake Woodward, and I am forced to eat the afore mentioned rare miniature migrating penquins, the part I think I would enjoy THE LEAST would be biting down on their still full bellies and having said contents explode in my mouth.
Too much? Too graphic? Yeah, it's hard to be me... That was THE FIRST thing I thought when I saw these at the checkout. The second was, "I have to write a blog about this!"


Alright... I'm tired and I'm going to bed. Catch you tomorrow.

Upcoming posts you can look forward to:

* The panini I made for dinner last night
* My review of the Pizza Fusion event I went to today.

It's becoming clear to me that my expectations are waaay too high...

I'm going to complain, make fun, and generally be a catty bitch in this post... so move right along if you're not into that kind of thing.

Five things you need to know, do, or point and laugh at...

1) I have a problem with commercials. This is why I pay for TiVo. I compulsively fast forward, but every once in a while I'm assaulted by something truly disturbing. Has anyone seen the one where mother nature is an evil woman who shows up carrying a red box and gives women their "monthly gift" at uncool times like on a first date or as you are wearing all white and landing your private jet on a Hawaiian beach with girlfriends? Really? And I KNOW the illustration didn't just show a red box bouncing around in there trying to get out. Yeah... Seriously... Personally, I don't think a white bathing suit is a good idea ever, but really? I could talk for hours about this.

1a) It's about drinkability. REALLY? This is your beverage marketing slogan? It's DRINKABLE? I find this to be SOOO HUMOROUS that it is, in fact, bothersome. Not better tasting, not less filling, not low calorie... IT'S DRINKABLE? hahaha *puke* hahaha

1b) Okay, I have a serious commercial problem!!! The Charmin Toilet Paper Company MUST BE STOPPED. These filthy disgusting bears and their love of public defecation MUST BE STOPPED. I just saw one last night where they all drive around together in a car, stop in the woods, and take a big family dump. There are no words to describe my horror.

Moving On...

2) I was at Dollar Tree the other day. It was clearly the first time the lady in front of me had been there. She asks the cashier, "How much are the balloons you have over there?" He says, "I think they are a dollar." She counters with, "How much are the foil balloons?" He says, "Actually, those are a dollar too." Does she have a vision problem as well, or are the 75 EVERYTHING'S A DOLLAR posters really really confusing?

Then the people behind me bust in and ask the cashier, "How about these candy bars? The box says 59 cents." The cashier must get this a lot because he says, "Then they must be 59 cents." I however observed the sign says "2 for $1." It's a little scary going out in public sometimes. Very simple concepts confuse people and I'm terrified for the future now.

3) I have a tax man who lives up in Oakhurst. He is a strange man, but his dad used to do my dads taxes so it's sort of a family thing. Once a year I have the privilege of driving up north to cram myself into this strange uneven room. His table is just a GIANT tree stump and the ceiling slopes so that you sort of have to crawl into your chair. It's a crazy HEAVY old orangy chair and there are papers EVERYWHERE. He always keeps an ice chest behind him with Hansen's soda in it and when I leave, I come home with a little tidbit worth sharing.

A few years ago, he shared with me that he enjoys taking a dip in his spa in the morning before coming to work. Fairly normal and not noteworthy right? Did I forget to mention he is always joined by his pet turkey? HAHAHA Uhhh, what?? I was too shocked to really ask any questions, but isn't that called making soup? Isn't that how you cook lobster? I mean, turkeys shouldn't be in the spa, right? Tell me that's strange so I feel better about myself. (PS - he is the nicest guy and does a GREAT job, but I had to share the turkey thing.) I can't make this up people.

4) I had a Mountain Dew "Throwback" the other day. I don't think I have a clear understanding of what the term "Throwback" means. To me it has negative connotations. If it's no good you throw it back, right? As a dew purist, I thought it was gross. I'd rather have the original or nothing at all. High fructose corn syrup FTW!

5) I just want to talk to people who work in the food industry here at good ole #5. I know your job is hard. I know everyone is different and most people are douche's to you. I know most people don't tip well. Now that we've covered a few of the basics that I know, can we talk about some stuff? Friend to friend? I LOVE FOOD. Food and me go WAY back. It's ritualistic and comforting and practically orgasmic. That being said, I think you should understand that I am happy and excited to be in your establishment. However, lets just set a few ground rules here.

The last 3 restaurants I ate at totally fucked up the dance. Don't act like you didn't know eating out is a finely choreographed dance, it SOO is.
*Please allow me to sit down and put my purse down before you are already spewing off your specials. I'm still standing... REALLY?

*Please follow the order of things. I just ate at a place that brought my chips & salsa, guacamole, bean soup, AND entree all at the same time. Then they took my drink order!! The food was DELICIOUS, but I was so disappointed because it was too much.

*Allow me time. Speed is not everything!! Sometimes my entire plan for the night is to enjoy my companions company. I want to chitty chat and savor my tapenade and flatbread. I want to tell a funny story and then get really excited about my beet salad. I want time to reminisce while waiting in hungry expectation for my designer pizza. Get it? The waiting, the expectation, the tease... It's like sex. Can I get a little foreplay PLEASE?**

So anyways, that's what was on my mind today. :)




**Now is NOT the time for your comments to offer advice on my sex life, I'm just trying to be funny here...

My iPhone has some questions for you.

Seems I've been off the airwaves for a while. That doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about you though! Often times I find myself filled with an overwhelming need to tell the world something. Usually I'm at a store or something so I'll jot it down in my iPhone notepad. Here's what I'm working with:

1) Top 5 rap songs.
2) Why I need $1,000 more a month.
3) Good thing I won't be around in 800 years because all my favorite words will be extinct.
4) Nature is powerful. Have you ever touched a tomato plant?
5) Identity crisis. I am like a puffy cat.
6) Math is the universal language. I'm not good at math. What the fuck?
7) I'm impressed by smart people.

Yeah, that's pretty much what I said. Where the hell was I going with that? I remember thinking... "YES, YES, you HAVE to write a blog about that, but you might forget by the time you get home so why don't you write a little note to refresh your memory when you're ready." Ummm, some of the excitement may have been lost in translation.

Is there anything you have a burning desire to know more about? I think some of those could go funny or really seriously sad and I don't know which is which.

If I get enough comments demanding a blog on one of the above, I'll do it. Majority rules.

I like my ChacoTaco COLD!

So we have a new vending machine at work. I spend hours staring at this thing. I would like to share with you my newest obsession:

1) The Incredible Meal Machine: Umm, 6 out of 12 of these are dessert - does that constitute a meal?
2) What exactly do all those fresh vegetables have to do with pizza, burgers, & ice cream?
3) I feel like this is some sort of cryogenics machine. The ominous plexiglass window that looks into nothing fascinates me.
4) JUST HEAT 'N EAT... ummmm, 6 of these 12 items are ice cream, last time I checked I liked my ChacoTaco COLD! (There's a really raunchy pussy joke in there somewhere, but it's late so I'll leave it up to you)

WTF

Yeah... so driving around town the other day, I saw this...

We could talk 20 minutes about the intricate details of everything wrong with this photo.
1) Is that a dead animal hanging from the back?
2) Is this a mobile memorial to some sort of deceased person?
3) Is that a strange blow up doll on the trunk?
4) What the fuck? I'm mean seriously? What is going on here? I am MYSTIFIED!

Also, I was window shopping and saw THIS...

Did I miss something? Clearly there was a memo sent out that I did not get.
1) This is the best outfit you could come up with for your window?
2) Are shorts okay this short on ANYONE? Umm, no
3) Short shorts with white boots and a popped collar?
4) Did I leave the planet via alien abduction or parallel universe wormhole? Because, What the fuck?

Alright, I'm in bed, I'm tired, and I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. I'm going to bed now. Much love! Goodnight!

Uhhh - PANIC - Backpedal - how exactly do I explain THAT!?

So I raced home last night after a grueling day at work and upon seeing my roommate in the hallway, had this conversation:

-------------------------------------
Me: Ummm, so HEY, umm if you sort of write a blog about how hot you think a guy is in a movie, woul...

Her: Oh Oh, which movie...?

Me: Well, umm, you know that movie Amistad?

Her: Yeeeaaaaahhhhhhhh??????

Me: and also, ummm, American History X?

Her: (Shivers) Oh my god, remember that part where he “curbs” that one kid?

Me: So.. Yeah... if you sorta overlook, like, slavery and apartheid and stuff... Ummm and say something that happened during a hate crime was hot - is that bad?

Her: *Stare of disbelief*

Me: SO WAIT- it get’s worse!!! JUST NOW, this guy, a black guy, sends me a message saying “Hmmm, I don’t really know you, so all I can say is Hmmmm.” OH.MY.GOD. do you think he meant HMMM as in, she was totally digging on black guys or do you think he meant HMMM as in, this white chick just posted the most racist blog of all time?

Her: Marisa - Oh My God - why would you write that stuff?

Me: Dude, you never see movies with naked guys in it! I just wanted to say I thought it was hot! Oh Wait, I did see Kevin Bacon’s wiener in Wild Things... HA HA...

Her: Yeah, Kevin Bacon is hot too... But that’s like me saying the guys in Schindlers List were hot because they were naked right before they went into the incinerator!

Me: True, and I *MAY* have said something about Schindlers list as well - I KNOW I KNOW - but they were all skinny and stuff - I’m talking about Kimora’s baby daddy here....

Her: OH TOTALLY, that Djimon guy is HOT!

Me: I KNOW! So, now how do I explain to this guy that my dad is black, my cousins are black, that my ex and other roommate were black? He’s totally gonna think I’m pulling the old white girl “Oh no no, I didn’t mean it like THAT way - my best friend is black”... routine. You know there’s no way he read my backblog. OH MY GOD!

Her: Yeah, good luck with that.

-------------------------------------
It pretty much went like that.
My whole life goes like that.

Let me properly introduce myself. “I’m Marisa. I’m awkward and NEVER pass up an opportunity to put my foot in my mouth!”

-------------------------------------

Me with my ex Khari
-------------------------------------

My favorite cousin Sunny
-------------------------------------

Me, my dad, & brother

Affordable affluence, Cucumber Dreams, & Conversational Civility

Things on my mind...

1) How come so many homeless and poor people are fat? Isn't obesity a sign of affluence? Okay, talking any more about that subject will get me in trouble - I was just wondering.

2) Am I the only one who sees the cleaning companies diabolical scheme to sexually frustrate American homes everywhere? There are plenty of studies out there saying that the scent that "turns on" a woman is cucumber. (Yes Yes, save your phallic jokes for someone else) The scent that "turns on" a man is lavender. (also pumpkin pie, but everyone loves that, so that's weird)

Anyways, now I'd like you to go do a little research. See if you can find any dish soap, fabric softener, or cleaning spray that isn't freakin' cucumber or lavender!! I know most women think a man that does chores is sexy, but this is starting to take on more meaning.

3) What happened to SHAME? Why is everyone so comfortable with talking about things they shouldn't? If I run into you at the grocery store and ask where your husband is, DO NOT tell me about his case of explosive diarrhea!! A simple "he's not feeling well" would have sufficed. I don't need or want to know the details of your lactose intolerance, your intestinal gas, acid reflux, your last really good bowel movement, heartburn, or that time you had the flu. There used to be a time when we didn't speak about such things. I'm a visual person too. Any and everything you say to me, I picture you doing. My brain works in pictures. This is probably why I have an INTENSE aversion to bathroom humor, but anyways - please people - a little conversational civility would be MUCH APPRECIATED!

Well, those were just a few things on my mind tonight. Hope they brought about at least a chuckle.

Mother earth loving vegetarian goes on shooting rampage.

Alright, here's the deal. It's midnight. I had a pretty decent evening, went to a local TweetUp, had a nice dinner, and was really looking forward to getting into bed and doing some blogging.

Mostly because I've been making my list and I just know you all want to understand how my dinner conversation included the following topics:

A butterfly is to the vagina what a canary is to a coal mine
600 monkeys is TOO many monkeys (1 monkey is too many)
Crochet Underwear and pants
Dynomite and amputee shadow puppets
Possums make great pets
Naked (& public) fire starter
High heels = chicken pox

Yes, yes, riveting! Tell me more you say...

Well, I can't. There is a dog outside my window and he has not stopped barking for 29 minutes. I'm totally wishing California didn't have such a strict gun law because

I
AM
LOSING
MY
MIND
!!!

In fact, THERE ISN'T MUCH that's stopping me from setting fire to my neighbors house right now just to make the insanity STOP. OH MY GOD! SHUT UP!!! I can't think of anything else. On that note, here is a LOVELY animation for your viewing enjoyment. :)

*Yes,those are my awesome flannel sheets with a moose on them!

My life in The Bell Jar...

Anyone read that book The Bell Jar? I got clear to the end before I realized she had gone crazy. Actually, she made PERFECT sense to me the entire way through and I’m not sure what that means. HA HA HA.

Today's early morning meeting at work ended with a motivational video about the importance of AA. Attitude and Activities (which they say are the only 2 things a person can control) In case you didn’t know, I’m list maker from birth. Eventually I will be the crazy lady with many crazy scribbles of paper surrounding me, but for now, I just have a regular list. Read my Bonus #10 & #11 for further proof.

Is it crazy that I made a list of making this post about making a list? Here’s a pic of me with my Work To Do list and my Blog topics list.

These were the things I thought the world should know. Seriously, when I die and you all rush to my blog to read what makes me ME, what will you all think? How crazy do you all think I am?

1) There is a lady here at work who keeps here hair brush on the counter in the bathroom. It’s a crappy brush with her name scrawled in marker on it. I’m sure we have a problem with people stealing anonymously used hair brushes around here. Actually, if someone would steal a used hairbrush, maybe they would just USE it leave it there for you to catch something. It bothers me SERIOUSLY! Funny that she would mark HER stuff, but she’s the one responsible for “THIS”... sooo.... ummm.... Now I’m upset all over again!

2) Has anyone seen the commercials for Smooth Away ?? This is commercial grade sandpaper being marketed as a hair removal technique for women! Hell, Why not sell lava or battery acid? How come you don’t throw in a free belt sander? Outrageous!

3) The vent fan in the women’s bathroom here sounds like someone just started up a diesel generator! It’s distracting and a bit scary.

4) I feel that if I drink 1 thermos of water for every bottle of soda - it has a balancing effect and then I won’t need a kidney transplant.

5) Do other people think/write lists like this?

6) I like that commercial where those old ladies do donuts in their kitchen and then drive ALL THE WAY to the top of the Grand Canyon in their Hover-round carts. My grandpa had a Jazzy with an orange flag on the back of it - that was cool!

7) What’s up with that Octuplets mom? I couldn’t even watch the whole TV interview last night. She’s SO wackadoodle it doesn’t make any sense and I think the public should be outraged. I’m extra offended because I don’t even like kids and have no desire to even have ONE... The idea of FOURTEEN is enough to make me get my tubes tied for realz yo!

8) I am funny. I clicked back a couple posts to research my “click here” links and started laughing. Of course the world needs to read this and laugh along with my neurosis/psychosis/crazy/I don’t know even know ideas. HA HA HA

Airing My Grievances

Seems there has been much talk over the “25 things about me” bulletin that’s been going around on Facebook. I personally don’t “GET” Facebook, but anyways... I always have little 1 liners that pop into my head of things that totally annoy me and I think to myself, I should write a blog about this, but then I don’t really have enough to WRITE about and it never seems to happen. Plus, I write a lot of “meme’s” and “10 things about me” and no one ever responds, so I’m giving up...

And you get... my list of grievances/pet peeves/annoyances/whatever. Can you relate to any of these or is it just me? Please share! I read some GREAT ONES *HERE*

1) TV Commercials. Hate them. (And I work in advertising LOL) But no commercial I’ve ever done has involved a bunch of people with herpes in a community pool, bears eating ice cream and taking group poops together (Click HERE or HERE), grandma peeing her pants while playing tennis, talking toe fungus, a woman wearing white pants making an escape rope out of tampons, or any type of erection. Seriously, is there no shame anymore? BRING BACK THE SHAME!

2) Spastic People. If you sent me an email - don’t get all impatient and then immediately call me and ask if I got your email and then proceed to tell me what you said in your email.

3) Eating out 1. When I ask if you have Mountain Dew and they reply “No, but we have Sprite.” I swear to God I’m going to freak out on someone. How is Mtn. Dew ANYTHING like Sprite? Why can’t you just say “NO, Sorry.” ARG...

4) Eating out 2. Waiters/Waitresses who don’t know their menu. I haven’t eaten meat or meat products in so long that I get sick now. Is that soup or rice made with chicken broth? Lard in the refried beans? Anchovies in the caesar dressing? If there is and you don’t tell me I’ll be throwing up all night, So this isn’t me trying to be difficult, I just need to know.

5) Eating out 3. When you tell a waiter/waitress that you are a vegetarian in order to ask questions about the menu and they say... do you eat fish? Since when did a fish lose its classification as a living animal?

6) Poser Vegetarians. If you don’t eat red meat, that doesn’t make you a vegetarian. That just makes you a person who doesn’t eat red meat. I’ve heard it all - they call themselves a “beady eyed vegetarians” because they only eat things w/ beady eyes like fish and chicken. That’s SO DUMB!

7) Stereotypical Drivers. Why does everyone who owns a Prius go 35mph or under. I KNOW they can go faster. And it’s never in the slow lane... always somehow they block ALL lanes of traffic. (For another traffic stories click HERE.) I teeter on the edge of insanity here.

8) Certain Sayings. People who say 'holla at your boy' or ‘spank you very much’

9) Short People. Hold on, hold on - that’s not as bad as it sounds. It’s just, I’m only 5’7” but there are so damn many of you 5 footers out there it’s changed the market. Now if Marisa wants to wear anything other than Capri’s, she has to pay $250 for a long enough pair of pants. Also, dancing with you is difficult, I have to basically do lunges & squats all night and it sucks. (yes, i know lunges and squats sound like TERRIBLE dance moves... they are and I never claimed to be a good dancer, so there) Granted I shouldn’t have put on those 4” heels essentially making me 6 feet tall, but I digress...

10) Technology. Microsoft Windows (Because MAC RULES!)

11) TYPING IN ALL CAPITALS. Are ya kiddin me? Its crazy talk - just plain crazy. I INSTANTLY know you aren't quite right in the head if I'm getting a letter or an email and it's in all CAPS.

12) Incapable Women. I guess I know a few girls who don’t cook, but it bothers me. I think my generation of women is in serious crisis.

13) Being Cold. Yeah, I know I’ve covered this a lot lately, but it’s a grievance, let me tell you! (Click HERE)

14) Carl’s Jr. Commercials. Someone had to say it... Are meat eaters and men really SO retarded that they can't even make their way in and out of a grocery store? And seriously, the dripping and the messiness... I am not in their demographic AT ALL!

15) Unnecessary Rudeness. Like people who insist on changing their cell phone ring tones in public. Or the guy 3rd in line at the gas station behind me who YELLS OUT to the cashier, “I’ve got some change coming to me on pump 8”... UMMM, SIR... You must be nearly 75 years old, is the concept of a FUCKING LINE new to you? How dare my fountain drink purchase get in your way. Clearly you are the only one with some place to go.

16) Dumb people. People who perpetuate chain letters, urban legends, and stuff that's just STUPID! No, there's not blood in ketchup, needles in movie seats, or AIDS on shopping cart handles... NO, that's not the latest virus - or you would have heard about it on every news station on the planet... NNNOOO, forwarding that shit does not make something pop up on your screen, give you the answer to a joke, or make you money. Or did it just not work the last 200 times, but you're willing to try it again? GOSH! Make the idiocy stop!

17) Stick shift cars. I used to drive one, but I probably couldn’t now. However, PLEASE, tell me why I would pay THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS (or more) for something that requires me to use both arms and both legs? Seriously, why? Oh I’m sorry, did no one tell you they invented one that does all that shit for you? You press the gas pedal and it just goes. No brake, and then clutch, and then check the RPMS, and check clutch again, and then scream in terror as you roll back downhill into oncoming traffic. It’s called technology people - get with the times!

18) Make-up. Actually I love make-up. It’s just a grievance that I NEED it. But also because I buy expensive make-up and wear it and then people say it looks like I don’t have any on. But when I don’t wear it, they say I look tired. However, they never say “OH, you didn’t wear any make-up.” I’m confused, and also annoyed, so thats how come Make-up is making my list!

19) The Cracker Barrel. I’ve eaten there too many times, that’s why! A single person can only eat fried okra so many times, although I kick ass at the peg game (Yeah, you know what I’m talking about)

20) Water. I don’t like drinking it. I do, but I don’t like it. Read about that HERE. Other grievances involving water: *When it’s humid or rainy or foggy or whatever, it makes my hair frizzy. *When the hot water runs out. *When city water tastes like chlorine and I have to buy those expensive filter refills for my Britta. * I don’t like swimming in open water like lakes because I believe in the whale sized catfish that live by the damn are going to eat me alive. The only reason I learned to water ski was to get up and on top of the water FAST where my cute little toes don’t look so yummy.

Is 20 enough for today. I’m sure I could go on.

Funny thing about being cold...

...is it's not funny at all!

I am always cold. Like Marisa needs to have her Thyroid checked cold. Like I have on a jacket and a blanket on my lap and a heater under my desk RIGHT NOW cold. I hate being cold. (Weather forecast shows it should be 73 and sunny today... so umm... something is just wrong with ME here)

I was really cold in urgent care the other day. When they checked my temperature it said 98.4 - not that .2 degrees means much of anything, but I had a little chuckle and thought YEAH... I AM ACTUALLY COLDER than the average person. Just enough .2 to be uncomfortable at all times. UGH.

So, I’m trying to come up with an affordable (Heating my house is not affordable BTW - PG&E standard of 68 degrees is fucking cold and still costs me $220 a month... AHEM...) way to keep warm.

I don’t have nearly the time it would take to develop a workout regimen. I say that because all of my big bad buff work out all the time guy friends sweat like pigs 24 hours a day due to much manly weight lifting (Or so they say)

I also don’t think I should be drinking on the job. Although, the movies have taught me that taking a shot of whiskey will WARM YA UP!

This is where I took a big leap and decided that me being cold is the same as me being drunk. Hang in there with me. They say right before you die from hypothermia you lose your dexterity. I can’t feel my fingers right now so if you had any idea how long this is taking me to type you’d know my work productivity is severely limited. All I can think about is how cold I am and therefore I'm not making good decisions. But isn't that what they always say about drinking alcohol? It hampers your dexterity, your clear thinking, your reaction time. OMG being drunk is the same as being cold!

Maybe I need to join WA (Weather Anonymous)... No that’s dumb - TA (Temperature Anonymous)... No that’s too close to T&A.. AH HA HA See what I mean about clear thinking diminishing? This must be why I find myself to be so hilarious. Clearly I’m delusional. The cold has seeped into my brain and killed my ability to complete a thought. Must.go.try.to.warm.up...

The WTF Blanket

This is HILARIOUS... and totally makes me laugh out loud every time I watch it!



Also, I find this mildly amusing too - although my coworkers are starting to find it overwhelming. I'm just trying to recycle... people. And they don't take my trash out anymore O.K.!?!


You can see my progress by clicking HERE And unfortunately, the picture above is a fresh start. I already recycled the last batch!

A collection of Letters I've been meaning to write for a while...

#1...

Dear 'strange woman who looks like a man that has a mustache and drives a shitty KIA'

Did no one explain to you what cruise control is? It is nearly impossible to drive circles around my car while I've been going a steady 85 mph in the same direction for the last 135 miles, but somehow you found a way.

Possibly I am being intolerant. Maybe you have some sort of rare right leg only seizure which forces you to slow down to 50 mph and then SPASM and mash down on the gas and leap up to 100 mph, careening across traffic while spastically changing lanes as we all hold on for dear life? I shouldn't judge you.

Maybe you suffer from multiple personality disorder and this is merely you phasing between Matilda the 90 year old grandma driver and Steve the 'roided out road rage-aholic? Again I judged you, let me apologize. 200 miles and you are still circling me!

OR MAYBE - just maybe... you shouldn't be driving? Since I tried to escape you and you are still right next to me, clearly you are not afraid of me typing a blog on my iPhone and creepily taking pics of your car. Haha.

Either way I have thoroughly entertained myself and burst out laughing every time you FLY by me, so thank you.
------------------------

#2

Dear Severely Mentally handicapped lady who speaks only Spanish, but has my cell # on speed dial...

I have been trying so hard to come up with an explanation as to why you call me at all hours of the day and night. Over and over and over again. From different numbers, but I know it's you. At 8 am and 4 pm and 2 am...

Who exactly is Inara? And exactly how many times do you need to call before you actually understand this is not the person you are trying to reach?

I assumed you spoke Spanish, but my cries of "El numero es no bueno" have fallen on deaf ears and were only answered by another "...Inara?" Did I misunderstand something?

What part of my voice mail stating my name and speaking in English makes you think Inara will soon be returning your call?

Seriously... if you have this much of a deficit, how are you holding a job to pay for your cell phone? Someone? Anyone? HELP! We're talking no less than 100 calls over the last year.

---------------------------
#3

Dear crazy lady who runs around the lake (rain, fog, sleet, darkness... nothing stops you) about 35 times a day who has a limp and is clearly not enjoying herself...

I admire your consistency, but what is your story?

I imagine you were in some sort of debilitating accident... something that left you damaged - maybe you thought you would never walk again... and now you run. You run that crazy curly hair flying but 1 leg is stiff run. I see you no matter what time I leave the house and I.AM.FASCINATED...!

MAYBE you were fat and had gastric bypass and lost all the weight, but your obsession with food has turned into some sort of compulsive exercise disorder!? And now you fear you will gain it all back if you don't RUN... RUN LIKE THE WIND... 24 hours a day...

Or MAYBE... you are just crazy... Cuz, goddamn you have never not been outside running... OMG STOP IT!