My Nemesis has Returned!!!!!

That fucking bear is back... That dirty bear... He haunts my dreams... Hell, he stalks my fucking house!

Has anyone else received mail directly from Charmin? Of all the people in the world, it comes to me? ME?!

Read HERE, HERE, and HERE for my feelings on toilet paper advertising.

You all say I should quit talking about it, but what do I have to do? Take out a restraining order on this foul feces covered bear and his poorly hygiened family to make the assaults in my home stop? Look what just came in the mail!!

What the hell does that even mean? For a clean you will notice? What sort of "UNcleanness" is the general public experiencing right now where this marketing slogan is getting results?

I know I keep writing about it, but in all reality, I'm dumbfounded. I'm speechless. I'm in awe! Also, I'm pretty fucking offended too.

Can someone make it stop!?

Gotta Go -Gotta Go -Gotta Go -GOTTA GO!

So drinking water sucks. Like major. Who's with me? This is flippin' ridiculous!

OMG, your body is 75% water.
HEY, your brain can like die.
WHOA, you've never been hungry, it's a false reaction from your dehydrated body trying to tell you you're thirsty.
UMMM, the only thing more important than water is air.

GAG GAG GAG

You know what's more important? Me not being in the bathroom 75% of the day! That's what.

Do you realize that by the time I get to work at 8 (okay okay, 8:20) I'm already DYING to pee for the third, YES THIRD, time of the day. Is this not upsetting to you?

So you're supposed to drink all this water, but isn't frequent urination a problem? I see commercials for "overactive" bladders and you need a pill for that. Also, I thought if you peed too many times a day it was a warning sign for diabetes.

OH. MY. GOD. How will I ever know if I have diabetes now !?!?!?!?

You know that feeling where you don't have to go to pee?.... YOU DO??.... Because I haven't felt that in days. DAYS!  I may have talked about my hatred for water HERE too.

I read on this one site you should have 12 quarts of water a day, double that if you're exercising!!! After using my google conversion chart awesome math skillz, I realized that's anywhere from 3 - 6 GALLONS of water a day. I had to call and yell at my mother for that one. Sorry mom. Of course, she says her rule of thumb was to divide your weight in half and that's how many ounces of water you should drink a day. The women in our family must all be overachievers because both of us are drinking around 90 oz a day! DAMN that's A LOT of water!

Then I read somewhere that says if you don't pee every 3 - 4 hours it's a sign of a problem. Will the medical community please tell me they think it's a problem if you have to go every 3 - 4 MINUTES? Can I get some pills here STAT!?!?

Yeah, not cool dude.

An experiment in vanity...

There is so much in the media about celebrities and their appearances. People are lambasting Heidi Montag for getting plastic surgery. Granted, I think she's not so smart and was pretty enough already, but actually I think she looks fabulous now.

Then there was the whole revolt against Demi Moore for possibly photoshopping herself to look better. What, pray tell, is so wrong with a 40+ year old women who will be appearing on a magazine cover looking her best?? Do you want her up there with no makeup??

Oprah just made a crack about the cover of her most recent magazine and how she looked at it while she was actually at the breakfast table and it made her laugh because she didn't look ANYTHING like that.

I don't know. It's just started to bother me. Maybe there is something wrong with me, but I like those magazines. I like perfection. I expect perfection. I don't know. I was raised that you should always put your best foot forward. I take the time to put make up on. I get my hair done religiously. I like to wear decent clothes. And, TRUST ME, finding good clothes that fit my body is laborious and hard.

So I thought to myself - are the pictures online representative of me in real life? I don't know! Do I put forward the REAL me or a puffed and fluffed up version of me? I don't know!

I can tell you this much though, I take a lot of pictures! I fiddle with finding the right light and getting a good angle and cropping out the weird stuff and hey, if you own photoshop you better use it right?!?!

So, I said it last post and I'll say it again this post - FULL DISCLOSURE! I got nothing to hide so here's me, in the raw. Not so pretty now, eh?

What would you do if photographers were following you at every moment? Seeing even that middle one makes me want to have at least 18 different surgeries and that's what I friggen look like every day!

Which would YOU want to on a magazine cover? Ummm, PhotoShop just became my new BFF. Of course, I purposely didn't smile and that's not even a good picture with good lighting. In fact, that was straight window sunlight which is very unflattering... but anyways.

It was just a little experiment. What are your thoughts? What would you do?

On a scale of 1 to 10...

How gross would you say crotch sweat is?

I'm gonna say it's about an 8 - UGH!

Can you tell me why it is that I have a trainer who works my calves and my quads and my arms and my abs, but the only thing that sweats is my crotch?

Nothing more awesome than a cute 21 year old musclebound trainer seeing that. Yeah, wow, sorry Erik, how come I have to show you my absolute worst in order to eventually look my best?

Here I am, twice a week, letting you see me at my worst - complaining, in pain, sweaty, and smelly.

Yeah, WAAAAAY T. M. I.   I know, I know.

Sorry.

Is NOTHING sacred?

This post requires back story - SORRY - put your reading glasses on, it's about to get intense. I have issues. You knew that already didn't you? :( Well, fooey on you!

Anyways, I may **MAY** have a slight problem with toilet paper advertising campaigns.
Commence reading HERE and HERE.

I like getting mail. Even if it's bills, I get really excited to seem my name on something. I'm weird I know, HOWEVER, this... This is HIGHLY inappropriate. This is OFFENSIVE.



I've never been more horrified in all my life! SERIOUSLY! Soften your "bottom" line...?  NO FUCKING WAY I just read that. NO WAY.

We will not even DISCUSS the need for "UltraStrong" toilet paper.

In fact, dear friends, I don't even think I can have this discussion anymore. It just makes me ill! Assaulting me in my home with this dirty pervert bear waggling his feces covered rear at me - I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Make it stop, will you? PLEASE!!

Well, this post is overly revealing, contradictory, and dumb... But here goes...

Yesterday I discovered a NEW feeling... that I was "too connected." Upon further inspection though, I realized actually, I'm a terrible friend and the word connected isn't right. What I actually am is too digitally AVAILABLE. I have a MySpace, a FaceBook, email, twitter, a blog, and an iPhone. There is no moment I'm not just READY to either put my most personal thoughts and feelings out there or to receive your call or text or comment or an @reply.

Plus there's this other thing. I have this abandonment issue and I hate burning bridges so I hang onto things too long. People that suddenly stop talking to me, I think about EVERY DAY WHY? Ex love interests. Friends from 20 years ago. Why am I still holding onto all these things that never made the cut?

Well enough of that!

I went through all my pictures and DELETED things I don't NEED to remember. I DELETED contacts from my phone of people I don't NEED to contact again.. I DELETED my MySpace. There is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I can let go. Normally these things would cause me anxiety, but I was suddenly struck with the feeling that I was ready. These are things that I was a part of or almost was, but they are no more and I'm okay with that.

So, being too digitally available and all, I thought I'd post this. HA!

Have you ever had these feelings? I just feel like people are always watching me. Always judging me. Always looking for fault. Sometimes it's okay to just put your phone on airlane mode or go for a walk or not respond immediately. Sometimes it's ok to keep to yourself, have a glass of wine, and watch TV and not go desperately looking for friends and a party.

That's where I am right now. Where are you?

Part 1 - The Bravery...

Well, this last weekend proved to be insanely busy and quite wonderful, but first shall we take a journey?

Truth be told, I'm a chronic doubter of myself, which is funny (OK not funny) because typing it out just sounds ridiculous. Doing new things though usually leaves me crippled with fear. What if I don't know what to say? What if I wear the wrong outfit? What if my sarcasm is taken wrong? What if I know someone but I don't remember their name and they hate me? What if... what if... what if...??

Maybe I have no self-perception? This is kinda untrue as I'm pretty introspective and spend the majority of my time in my head, but also kinda very true because when people tell me how they perceive me, I never see it coming. Like if you locked me in a room and said, write down everything you think I'm thinking, I probably wouldn't come up with it. Damn you people are strange and unpredictable. Which is also funny because 99% of the time all I have to do is be within 5 feet of you and I will feel in my stomach whether we can be friends or not.

Usually when I first meet someone, I'm pretty much a dud. I sit and I watch and I listen. How do you talk? What do you think is funny? I watch how you blink and how you segue and how you move your hands when you talk and how you raise your eyebrows. I notice your shoes. I smell you. I fully envelope myself in you. Now you think I'm a total stalker. I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!

I just want to know how I'm supposed to be. Its like learning the steps to a newly choreographed dance. Should I be excited or quiet? Do you need to be the center of attention? What are your motivations? Are you religious? What's your favorite drink? What type of music do you listen to? What are you passionate about? You know, all the standard things you need to know when you are trying to assimilate someone. JUST KIDDING!

Maybe you never see it...? Maybe you think I'm funny and talkative and happy and smart...? God only knows... BUT anyways... enough about that!

Remember, I said we were going on a journey?

I only say all of the above so that you know how much mental effort it takes for me to leave the house. It takes a lot. To overcome that MOUNTAIN of questionable data and still say I had a good weekend is the testament of all time!

Well, in telling you all of my deepest darkest secrets, we've completed phase 1 of this "journey" and you can now proceed down the long hallway to your right, to MY WEEKEND!

See you tomorrow for Part 2 - The Excited

Finger Update

I'm not quite sure if my mild observations should be changing to serious concern, but now that the bandages have come off, I can't feel my finger tip. OH. MY. GOD. It's only been 4 days. If I don't get more feeling back by Monday, I'm going back to the doctor.

It doesn't look that gnarly, but if you look at it logistically, you can see that it's cut straight back from side to side about 1/4 inch. OUCH! Yeah, I pretty much removed the pad of my index finger. YOWZA!

No-No Topiaries

Wait, what are we talking about? Nothing appropriate, I can pretty much guarantee you that.

I thought part of my big impressive word I made up but have no idea what it means City Blogging Focus could be to include Product Reviews. Who else can you trust to tell you about stuff no one else is awkwardly uncomfortable enough to say?? Yeah, that's what I thought.

You may or may not be an avid reader of the BeeHive, but one of their recent posts was about then new Schick Quattro For Women Trimstyle Razor. At first I was horrified by the commercial. Being a detail oriented person, I was quite disturbed to see gardening gone awry. I mean, who knew "bush" had another meaning? The giant morphing No-No Topiaries were about all I could handle.


Although shaken and disturbed, I reflected upon my previous musings where I lamented having to give up my brazilians and thought... I wanna try this thing!! Apparently the entire nation was in a deep congo of crisis though because every frickin store in town was SOLD OUT for 3 weeks straight!

I finally got my hands on one this weekend. Now would be a good time to mention that my internal dialog has taken a detour. She wants to know why I am reviewing a product that 1) is putting WAAAY to much personal information on the internet and 2) I can't even show you photos of my handywork. Well, I could, but talk about a redefined blog focus. HAHAHAHA

Anyways, it was $10 and came with a wall holder AND the necessary AAA battery (which never happens!!) it's water proof, easy to use, and overall I like it! Word to the wise, should your shower share a wall with your still sleeping roommates bedroom, you might want to disclaim what the noisy electronic buzzing sound is before she draws some rather unsavory conclusions about you. Ha Ha Ha

How's that for a product review?

Raccoons and Strippers turn out to be oddly similar

I’d like you to look at me. Look up at the top of this blog, maybe to the side, okay, even look below this post... WAIT, Oh my god, how many freakin’ pictures do I have of myself on this blog?? Apparently I should add narcissism to my list of afflictions - geeeezzzzuuussss!

Okay, ANYWAYS, back to me - LOOK AT ME! What you see folks is the the ugly face of addiction! Besides having an addictive personality (Actually, 2 random people have described me recently as “infectious” {in keeping with my narcissistic ways} which I obviously took as a compliment) I am also, quite possibly, addicted to every other possible thing you can be addicted to. To some who read this, that will come across as a rather extreme statement, lest you keep reading and discover I’m also addicted to exaggerating. How can I live larger than life unless I lie, right?

Honestly I believe the government is conspiring against me! There are some things in this life I just cannot live with out.
1) Chapstick
2) Lotion
3) Q-Tips

As I vegetarian, I find beef jerky to be exceptionally unattractive. One hour without one of the above listed products and I shrivel up and age at least 50 years. Okay, that was an exaggeration, my apologies - 30 years... I would age AT LEAST 30 years. Still you skoff? From my stationary chair, I offer you this picture of the lotion/chapsticks I have within an arms reach. And since my roommate Melissa lovingly refers to me as T-rex, that’s like 2 feet max - SERIOUSLY... I’m just sayin’...

Since I’m trying not to be a sensationalist, that HONESTLY was what I found in my desk here at work!

Here’s a new one that’s just starting to rear it’s shiny head - GLITTER. I am totally addicted to glitter. I love looking at sparkly stuff, so much so that now I apply shimmery eye shadow, glitter eye liner, and a glitter liquid liner to my eyes. I have the prettiest eyes if I do say so to my vainglorious self. Truth be told, as the day wears on, the glitter works its way onto my eye lashes and into my eyes and down my face so that by 5 pm all I see is sparkles and shimmers and shooting stars. I live in a prism of glitter reverb that would rival the best LCD trip you’ve ever had. A day seeing through my eyes is probably like being trapped inside a Pink Floyd video. Except, I just googled Pink Floyd videos on youtube - being as I was born in 1978 - and NOW THEY TELL ME they didn’t even have music videos back then - what the fuck!? The few I did watch were of like his concerts and they seemed pretty trippy and you know what? Whatever! Just hum to yourself “Hello Hellooo, is there anybody. out. there. ??” You get the point. It’s a lot of fucking glitter okay - that’s the point!

Hell, I’ve got so much stuff going on that I shouldn’t even be driving. I ran into an old friend at Target 2 weeks ago and she made reference to me resembling a raccoon. I didn’t really understand that analogy since I thought moths were attracted to shiny stuff and raccoons were more garbage bandits of the rodent variety, but then again, you can’t be a true junkie unless you’ve got yourself all hopped up and dug through the trash for dinner right? Soooo maybe she’s right? Actually, the more I think about it, strippers and raccoons have a lot in common. Of course, I haven’t perfected the titty glitter thing just yet - I’ve mostly wanted to be feminist **HEY BUDDY, eyes up here okay?!** but I’m only a year into this and as my tolerance grows I’ll be hittin’ the harder stuff soon enough. GIVE IT TIME PEOPLE!

I think I’m also addicted to smell though. NO, I don’t want to smell you - I’m full of self-love remember? Unfortunately, after about 15 different products (Body wash, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, lotion, perfume, perfumed lotion, hair smoother, hair spray, and more!) I fear I smell like a $3 french whore up in this bitch! Actually, I think the original saying was a $2 french whore, but with the economy right now and the fact that all those products are expensive, I’ve taken the liberty of raising the price a dollar! OH OH, you know what?!?!?! I even have scented body glitter! Can you say OMG!?

By the way, what the hell is a velvet tuberose and why do I always pronounce it turbose? (That's the bath & body lotion scent I prefer) Like I think I want to smell like a large but very fast woman? Like you know, turbo, but the OSE part denotes largeness... Everyone knows this, must I explain every. thing. to. you? Sigh.

Alright people, my 3 o'clock break is over and we're a little less than an hour away from 5 pm's impending disco fever revival, so I gotta go!

As a side not, if this means anything to you - you will know how funny it is.
People that eat chicken feet can’t get diabetes. Say goodbye.

Leave personal maintenance to the professionals...

I'm mad at the economy. Well, mad in probably the most facetious and petty way possible, but that's how I roll, yo!

I keep writing sentences and I can't decide whether I want this to be a really serious post or a funny one. I'm guessing mostly funny because I really don't have anything to complain about. It's just like Louis CK and his "Everything's amazing, Nobody's happy" video. Watch here:

I think we all got ahead of ourselves and maybe life does need to settle back down so we can appreciate what we have. I bought my first house in 2000, lived there for 2+ years and never had cable, internet, or a livingroom couch. Oddly enough, I recall being busy and happy. WEIRD. I seriously, at this point, would give up food to keep my TiVo recording. That's not petty right? A girl's gotta have priorities... I think food and insurance are way overrated anyways.

Mostly, I just don't like being crowded and I think there are a few too many of you on this boat. Yeah, I can see the "capacity" sign from my prime window seat and we're definitely overfull. I think I'm feeling a little seasick here.

Actually, as a workin' girl, I can now see I lived the last few years like a lady of leisure... Mostly, I'm upset because I LOVED IT! I was professionally maintained from head to toe, literally. Ladies of leisure don't bother with shaving and combing their hair and painting their nails. I know this because I laughed entirely too hard when watching the Kath & Kim episode where Kim heads out to get a mani/pedi while proclaiming "Painting your own nails is so poor!" IT IS and I hate being poor! It's so much better to leave all that personal maintenance bullshit to the pros. You know you've made it when you are willing to pay cash money (that's my gangsta word of the month BTW) to some woman so that she can crawl all over your hooha waxing and tweezing because you just can't be bothered with those things.

And as a poor person now, I'm also incredibly lazy. I'm laying in bed on a Sunday at 11am listening to my iPod with my dog curled up next to me, but my laptop battery is in the red and I'm not feeling like going into the living room to get my power cord. Mostly because I'm naked and don't think my roommates would appreciate that. See, that's also lazy because I don't want to bother with a robe. However, I read somewhere you shouldn't end a blog post in the middle of discussing getting Brazilian waxes, but looks like that's what's gonna happen. When will this retardedly expensive dog get his ass up and do something other than cost me MORE money?

I've added it up and I'm thinking $1,000 more a month will adequately provide me with the lifestyle I've become accustomed too. Anyone want to be my sugar daddy? I'm prepping my "trophy wife" resume right now...

WTF

Yeah... so driving around town the other day, I saw this...

We could talk 20 minutes about the intricate details of everything wrong with this photo.
1) Is that a dead animal hanging from the back?
2) Is this a mobile memorial to some sort of deceased person?
3) Is that a strange blow up doll on the trunk?
4) What the fuck? I'm mean seriously? What is going on here? I am MYSTIFIED!

Also, I was window shopping and saw THIS...

Did I miss something? Clearly there was a memo sent out that I did not get.
1) This is the best outfit you could come up with for your window?
2) Are shorts okay this short on ANYONE? Umm, no
3) Short shorts with white boots and a popped collar?
4) Did I leave the planet via alien abduction or parallel universe wormhole? Because, What the fuck?

Alright, I'm in bed, I'm tired, and I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. I'm going to bed now. Much love! Goodnight!

You don't wanna know...

Yeah, been meaning to write, but just haven’t had a chance. I have work projects and personal obligations and advertising meetings and crazy deadlines. I’m trying to be organized and yet still So I’m taking 10 minutes to eat my soup and type something.

Had a bunch of notes about things I wanted to tell you, but in my panic to get something... ANYTHING accomplished I left it at home.

HOWEVER, I DO REMEMBER ONE THING!

Do you guys remember the Seinfeld episode where Jerry felt weird about making out with his girlfriend during Schindler’s List, but it was like the only time they could be alone? I seem to have a pattern for being oddly turned on at COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE times at the movies.

1) American History X - Edward Norton.

Yup, I know! There he is running out into the street to “curb” some guy and all I can think is - So those are boxers huh? That’s hot. Hmmm, he looks good... little lower....
I’m imagining that was the opposite of the point.

2) Amistad - Djimon Hounsou

(Yes, I realize this picture was not from the movie... But if it isn't proof that this guy is a perfect specimen of man, I don't know what is... HEY, IT'S MY BLOG, I'LL DO WHAT I WANT!)
I’m thinking somewhere along the way I should have been really upset about slavery and injustice, etc etc
That might have happened if it wasn’t for the fact that all I could think was: DAMN that’s a lot of really fine black men. Can we go back to the boat scene?
Yes, I’ll hang my head in shame now.

3) Easter Promises - Viggo Mortensen

Alright folks, this is the last one, I promise. But there he is, all bad ass and naked. I suppose I should have been bothered by the blood and attempted murder, but funny story... I wasn’t. It was hot. I’m sorry.

Ok I’m not sorry.

Well, I’m sorry for those of you who think I’m being serious - or for anyone who thinks I have no soul and condone slavery and murder, but other than that - NOT SORRY!

Anyways, I tried to warn you that you didn't wanna know - you just had to read it, didn't you?!

Airing My Grievances

Seems there has been much talk over the “25 things about me” bulletin that’s been going around on Facebook. I personally don’t “GET” Facebook, but anyways... I always have little 1 liners that pop into my head of things that totally annoy me and I think to myself, I should write a blog about this, but then I don’t really have enough to WRITE about and it never seems to happen. Plus, I write a lot of “meme’s” and “10 things about me” and no one ever responds, so I’m giving up...

And you get... my list of grievances/pet peeves/annoyances/whatever. Can you relate to any of these or is it just me? Please share! I read some GREAT ONES *HERE*

1) TV Commercials. Hate them. (And I work in advertising LOL) But no commercial I’ve ever done has involved a bunch of people with herpes in a community pool, bears eating ice cream and taking group poops together (Click HERE or HERE), grandma peeing her pants while playing tennis, talking toe fungus, a woman wearing white pants making an escape rope out of tampons, or any type of erection. Seriously, is there no shame anymore? BRING BACK THE SHAME!

2) Spastic People. If you sent me an email - don’t get all impatient and then immediately call me and ask if I got your email and then proceed to tell me what you said in your email.

3) Eating out 1. When I ask if you have Mountain Dew and they reply “No, but we have Sprite.” I swear to God I’m going to freak out on someone. How is Mtn. Dew ANYTHING like Sprite? Why can’t you just say “NO, Sorry.” ARG...

4) Eating out 2. Waiters/Waitresses who don’t know their menu. I haven’t eaten meat or meat products in so long that I get sick now. Is that soup or rice made with chicken broth? Lard in the refried beans? Anchovies in the caesar dressing? If there is and you don’t tell me I’ll be throwing up all night, So this isn’t me trying to be difficult, I just need to know.

5) Eating out 3. When you tell a waiter/waitress that you are a vegetarian in order to ask questions about the menu and they say... do you eat fish? Since when did a fish lose its classification as a living animal?

6) Poser Vegetarians. If you don’t eat red meat, that doesn’t make you a vegetarian. That just makes you a person who doesn’t eat red meat. I’ve heard it all - they call themselves a “beady eyed vegetarians” because they only eat things w/ beady eyes like fish and chicken. That’s SO DUMB!

7) Stereotypical Drivers. Why does everyone who owns a Prius go 35mph or under. I KNOW they can go faster. And it’s never in the slow lane... always somehow they block ALL lanes of traffic. (For another traffic stories click HERE.) I teeter on the edge of insanity here.

8) Certain Sayings. People who say 'holla at your boy' or ‘spank you very much’

9) Short People. Hold on, hold on - that’s not as bad as it sounds. It’s just, I’m only 5’7” but there are so damn many of you 5 footers out there it’s changed the market. Now if Marisa wants to wear anything other than Capri’s, she has to pay $250 for a long enough pair of pants. Also, dancing with you is difficult, I have to basically do lunges & squats all night and it sucks. (yes, i know lunges and squats sound like TERRIBLE dance moves... they are and I never claimed to be a good dancer, so there) Granted I shouldn’t have put on those 4” heels essentially making me 6 feet tall, but I digress...

10) Technology. Microsoft Windows (Because MAC RULES!)

11) TYPING IN ALL CAPITALS. Are ya kiddin me? Its crazy talk - just plain crazy. I INSTANTLY know you aren't quite right in the head if I'm getting a letter or an email and it's in all CAPS.

12) Incapable Women. I guess I know a few girls who don’t cook, but it bothers me. I think my generation of women is in serious crisis.

13) Being Cold. Yeah, I know I’ve covered this a lot lately, but it’s a grievance, let me tell you! (Click HERE)

14) Carl’s Jr. Commercials. Someone had to say it... Are meat eaters and men really SO retarded that they can't even make their way in and out of a grocery store? And seriously, the dripping and the messiness... I am not in their demographic AT ALL!

15) Unnecessary Rudeness. Like people who insist on changing their cell phone ring tones in public. Or the guy 3rd in line at the gas station behind me who YELLS OUT to the cashier, “I’ve got some change coming to me on pump 8”... UMMM, SIR... You must be nearly 75 years old, is the concept of a FUCKING LINE new to you? How dare my fountain drink purchase get in your way. Clearly you are the only one with some place to go.

16) Dumb people. People who perpetuate chain letters, urban legends, and stuff that's just STUPID! No, there's not blood in ketchup, needles in movie seats, or AIDS on shopping cart handles... NO, that's not the latest virus - or you would have heard about it on every news station on the planet... NNNOOO, forwarding that shit does not make something pop up on your screen, give you the answer to a joke, or make you money. Or did it just not work the last 200 times, but you're willing to try it again? GOSH! Make the idiocy stop!

17) Stick shift cars. I used to drive one, but I probably couldn’t now. However, PLEASE, tell me why I would pay THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS (or more) for something that requires me to use both arms and both legs? Seriously, why? Oh I’m sorry, did no one tell you they invented one that does all that shit for you? You press the gas pedal and it just goes. No brake, and then clutch, and then check the RPMS, and check clutch again, and then scream in terror as you roll back downhill into oncoming traffic. It’s called technology people - get with the times!

18) Make-up. Actually I love make-up. It’s just a grievance that I NEED it. But also because I buy expensive make-up and wear it and then people say it looks like I don’t have any on. But when I don’t wear it, they say I look tired. However, they never say “OH, you didn’t wear any make-up.” I’m confused, and also annoyed, so thats how come Make-up is making my list!

19) The Cracker Barrel. I’ve eaten there too many times, that’s why! A single person can only eat fried okra so many times, although I kick ass at the peg game (Yeah, you know what I’m talking about)

20) Water. I don’t like drinking it. I do, but I don’t like it. Read about that HERE. Other grievances involving water: *When it’s humid or rainy or foggy or whatever, it makes my hair frizzy. *When the hot water runs out. *When city water tastes like chlorine and I have to buy those expensive filter refills for my Britta. * I don’t like swimming in open water like lakes because I believe in the whale sized catfish that live by the damn are going to eat me alive. The only reason I learned to water ski was to get up and on top of the water FAST where my cute little toes don’t look so yummy.

Is 20 enough for today. I’m sure I could go on.

No mans land...

Most people know a woman's obsession with her handbag. I am all woman. While childless, let me introduce you to my first born. I have NO problem fighting you TO.THE.DEATH for her.

The contents of a woman's purse are usually pretty private, but I think it's time we get personal :)

This is my baby, Burberry.


Since it's slightly overflowing, you can see (from left to right)

1) My Furla sunglasses. COOL!
2) My 2nd born, my iPhone which is always with me
3) My handy canvas bag. I got these cute portable ones at Sur la Table and I love it!



I don't know where to start with the rest of this junk, but I now know why my bag s so heavy.

1) Although I've never used it, I have my passport.
2) Ok, being a woman, I have a handy compartment for the emergency tampon and panty liner... moving on...
3) Comb, compact, random key that I don't know what it goes to, floss, and of course a portable USB drive in keeping with my Nerd Contract.
4) a STACK of credit cards, gift cards, and discount/club cards (See the horror below)
5) Gum and cute box of mints
6) Quick quiz, how many things of lipstick, lip gloss, and chap stick can you count? I count 9 (In case you didn't know, there are 3 more lip glosses inside the black Chanel box)
7) My work name badge, a handy pen, a hair band, my iPhone headphones, my work keys, and spare safety pins
8) Can you find my trusty iPhone bluetooth?
9) My matching Burberry wallet (Somehow this makes me extra proud) and my checkbook with works mission statement on a business card so I can see it.

SO, now are we up close and personal or what?

3 blogs in 1 day!

I know, I'm just sitting here writing blog after blog. My brain is on hyperspeed and and I have all these things I think that I want to tell the world, but I never stop to write it down. So today, I had time and you are getting 3 blogs in 1 day. AWESOME!

The only thing I wanted to mention today is about my house. We are funny here! There are 3 of us girls and we get along swell. I would say we are all pretty healthy and not fat by any means - but boy do we have a food thing here!

I'll admit it right now - I'm the ring leader. I love food. And I buy food without any realistic expectation of eating it all! I fear it borders on addiction. Look at our house right now...



UHHHH, that's too much food! Do you know that we have THREE huge jars of pickles in that fridge?



I try to announce each week what we aren't allowed to purchase. There is more popcorn and lasagna noodles and cheese than a grocery store. There is also a freeze on purchasing straws and onions and cereal and salad dressing. And I definitely put a ban on bringing any more ramen, macaroni and cheese, tea, or rice in here!




I'm a single person and I know spending $400 a month on groceries is outrageous! Packing the fridge takes every Tetris skill I have and it has got to stop! I think I need an intervention!

10 things about me...

The rules are: Once you have been tagged you can't be re tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird random things, facts, or habits about yourself.

1. I am completely food motivated. I love food. I’m hungry ALL the time. I’m sure Oprah has a thing or two to say about that, but regardless. It’s true.

2. I love my job to the point where its annoying to others. It’s all I talk about, but there’s lots of drama here.

3. I could eat bags and bags of conversation hearts until my veins feel chalky - however, being a vegetarian, I discovered they have gelatin in them and I can’t eat them anymore. It’s devastating.

4. I’m a very strict vegetarian. And, No I don’t eat fish. Not even broth or gravy or sushi or anything. And, it’s for all the reasons - it’s gross, unhealthy for you body, unnatural, cruel, and bad for the economy.

5. I’m a biggest meat LOVING vegetarian you’ll ever know. My fridge is full of “fake” chicken, bacon, sausage, hamburger, pepperoni, etc.

6. I’m half hippie, half yuppie. I have the “Coach” obsession, drive a sports car, get brazillian waxes, and have a yorkie. However, I was born and raised in Santa Cruz, use only canvas bags, eat vegetarian, practice yoga, and get WAAY into natural/alternative medicine.

7. I fractured my L1 & L2 vertebrae in a car accident in 1994. I’ve also broken, both wrists, my leg, and my elbow - all while attempting some sort of sport like snowboarding, high jumping, bike riding, or roller blading. I now have a desk job. :|

8. I am one of the few women who doesn’t need to have a child to feel complete. I just really don’t want to “Experience” child birth. I know, I know... once you do it, you wouldn’t take it back. Yeah, whatever. It’s not for me, let it go.

9. I am obsessed with Apple Macintosh computers. I WILL own the iPhone as soon as it’s available because it is AWESOME! I have the “apple” sticker on the back of my car and I think that makes me cooler.

10. Tivo saved my life. I couldn’t live without it. I LOVE LOVE LOVE television. I could watch it all day for the rest of my life and never get bored. It’s a bad habit i’m trying to break, but sadly it’s true. I love Judge shows too. And i’m not ashamed of it!

I'm not going to tag anyone else - if you want to do it, do it! Share those weird, random facts about yourselves. Please!

Religious Oppression

You know, I don't really talk much about religion because it's hard to explain to someone who hasn't lived MY religious experience. Especially in a blog. Plus I have this incredible guilt about bad mouthing them to the world for fear that if there IS a god he would be quite displeased with me.

BUT in talking with a friend who has shared the hell that is witnessdom with me, i had the revelation of how strongly it has affected me. Not just in my growing up, but now in my adulthood as the rejection is palpable.

I guess I never learned how to make friends as a child. How could I? I spent all that time at school, but couldn't really develop a relationship because there was never any after school possibilities. (Parents wouldn't let anyone who wasn't a witness come over) and we always lived so far out no one would come see me even if it was acceptable. No after school activities, no school dances, no football games, no prom, no ANYTHING. I truly spent all of my time alone or only with family.

Being sheltered was not the protection parents thought it was. It was a life sentence for me. I feel like I'm years behind and always trying to catch up. Instead of dating or having a boyfriend or just hanging out with friends and going to the mall, I was on home studies cooking for a husband that was really my dad, caring for a baby that was really my brother, and nursing a dying patient that was really my mother.

I'm unsure of every step I take because EVERY STEP is a new one. At 25 I'd never celebrated a birthday, a Christmas, a mothers day. Never drank a green beer. Never set off a firework. I'm days away from turning 28 and I've never even been on a date.

And now that the witness ties and family bonds were broken, I have this huge abandonment issue. If EVERYONE I KNOW ,including my own mother, can turn their back on me while I repent and beg for forgiveness (to no avail), how could I not doubt the sincerity of those who claim to BE THERE for me now? That's why I don't TRULY lean on my friends when i need them. SIGH

In the same way, it's caused me to be selfless to the point of injury in my own forgivness of another. That's my problem. Instead of setting a standard for myself and setting boundries to protect myself, I just blindly open up and put MY WHOLE SELF OUT THERE and hold them close to me. I can't bear the thought of someone feeling that cold hearted "rejection" coming from me. I know how badly that hurts.

It's also caused me to realize I don't know who I am. I spend HOURS trying to think what makes me... ME. Yet, I can't choose a direction. I WANT TO DO IT ALL. I'm so starved for EXPERIENCE, how could I possibly cut off even ONE option? It comes off like I contradict myself or that I just lack follow thru, but that's not true. Is jack of all trades, master of none really a good thing?

Is it a contradiction to listen to Pantera and want to get the shit beat out of me in a mosh pit, and then come home and put on an apron and make vegetarian chicken w/ an herbs de provence sauce?

Is it a contradiction to drink wine and listen to jazz and just be a tourist/sightseer on Saturday and then go sit in some bachelors house on some shitty hand me down couch and drink a 40 of Mickey's with the boys?

Is it a contradiction to shop and wear pink and heels and be stupid and immature and totally valley girl today, but spend my time recycling and connecting with nature and meditating on my life seeking for inner peace and positive depth and growth tomorrow?

I've noticed that this same "contradiction" manifests itself as some sort of duality in my personality. In my need to not be judged and therefore not judge others I just want to BLEND in with who I'm with - be accepted. I constantly relive every laugh and sentence and comment to make sure that it was in line with who I'm with at the time. The worry that I said or did something wrong might cause another "cutting off" is more than I can bear. I laugh it off and say "When in Rome.." but does that mean there is no REAL ME?

Let's say I want to be a better designer and web programmer. That would mean giving up friendships and fun to stay in the house and read books all day. Lets say I want to be perfectly skinny. That would mean giving up my free time to cook and clean and be domestic so I could work out at the gym for hours and hours for the rest of my life. I want to work with animals and nature and just be a hippy who owns a communal garden and runs a small vegetarian cafe, but would I have to give up my fast paced, challenging, technical job and my glorious shoes and impractical sports car? I'm lost.

This has of course gotten off subject and bit too revealing for a blog. Talk about opening up and putting yourself out there for rejection...

I think to sum it up, I want people to put as much time and effort into me as I so desperately put into them. I just want balance and acceptance. For everyone to be happy. FOR ME TO BE HAPPY. Think it's possible? In my innocence I have to say yes. I'm working on it. I'm working on it.

:D

Life Realizations and contradiction

So, I've been meaning to write for a while. Sorry for the delay.

Figured I'd cover a few things mentioned in my title.

Life:

Life is good.

Realizations:

1) I don't like leaving the house. I mean, I do... but now that I work from home, leaving the house leaves me a nervous wreck. I just attempted to take someone across town at 5:00. Rush hour traffic in the dark. I've experienced everything from panic and extreme nausea to burning anger. I have arrived home and I am just a mess. The crazy idiots out on the road driving their raised F350 dually's who blind my low riding sports cars rearview mirror, then pass me on the RIGHT SIDE of the street, only to be trapped in front of me so that I am incapable of seeing over or around ANYTHING while they speed up to 50 and then slam on their breaks is more than my little hermit heart can handle. I am seriously shaken.

On a lighter note...

2) I have a serious shoe thing. For all these years that I denied my girly side. Now that I'm coming into my own, I really really have a love for expensive shoes. I just enjoy looking at them. Touching em. Trying them on. I mean, do i even need to mention "PURCHASING" them? It's not like a sex equivalent or anything, but seriously, I went to the mall the other day. And I just LOST MY MIND. I had been eyeing this pair of "Coach" Whitney D'Orsay pumps, and I just said, screw it. I BOUGHT THEM! It was like a shot of heroin (assuming that's a pretty good high since i've never tried heroin) I haven't even worn them yet, but i just open the closet and look at them. Oh my god, do I love them SO MUCH! I am just making my pledge now to not sell myself cheap at Ross anymore. I always shop at the cheap places trying to pull together an expensive look on a paupers budget and I'm just quiting that! I'd rather have 1 pair of $220 shoes that will always look good and last forever than 10 pairs of $20 shoes that hurt my feet, look cheap and break after a few months.

Contradictions:

So there, I've said it. I like expensive things. I REALLY like expensive shoes. And I've been reading a lot of hate blogs about women. How shallow they are. How they feel they wear a certain uniform. How much time and money they could save if they put their energy into learning instead of getting that brazillian wax.

Well, fuck it. Maybe it's the woman in me that takes whatever I read or hear or see and tries to apply it to myself, but I can't do that anymore. Yes, I wear thong underwear, get my nails done, have streaked hair, tan, and get waxed. Does that mean I'm some sort of wanna be porn star? Some superficial plastic whore with her designer bag and expensive shoes? NO...

I also own a $2,200 dog and drive a sports car and I have my tongue pierced and I have a tatoo. I'm sorry. I love my puppy. I love my car. I've had my tongue ring before all you posers (7+ years now) and my tattoo means a lot to me. And having my nails done makes me feel pretty. SO WHAT DO YOU CARE? But my lesson is life is this.

You just have to be ok with who you are. I'm not some fat goth chick who really wants attention by strapping my gynormous breasts into a leather bustier and making a scene. I'd like to think i'm somewhat modest. And people that get to know me will know that I am generous and grounded. That I recycle. That I'm a health conscious vegetarian. All I ever wanted to be was a domestic house wife. That I have some hippy tendencies in there. That I donate my time and energy to good causes. I can be nerdy. BUT that overall, you can't keep comparing yourselves to others to know that you are a good person.

You just have to be what you are, use reason and apply balance to your life and things will be ok. I am a contradiction. This vegetarian just spent over $200 on a pair of leather shoes. SO WHAT? I use canvas bags at the grocery store, but I REFUSE to turn the water off the whole time I'm brushing my teeth. SO WHAT? Maybe people like me annoy you. I don't know.

SO WHAT? I'm me. I like you... I hope you like me. It's taken me 27 years to say "I LIKE ME"... and I do.

Now I've gotta go give myself a pedicure. SEE YA! LOL