Magic Milk Straws - REALLY?!

I must be REALLY observant. Like really, really. Things just catch my eye and they either amuse me or disturb me greatly.

Let's start with what disturbed me first.  (Check back later for an amusing post)

I'm at Target and I see these things called "Milk Straws"... Besides taking a detour to tell the general public.... GEEZZUSS CHRIST you can get calcium from sources other than what the dairy industry owned government brainwashed you into thinking was only milk... Is it really a problem to get your kids to drink milk?? I don't know, this is why I have a dog, so if he's bad I can sell him. I think you get in trouble if you do that with your kids. Not quite sure, but since I have none it's a moot issue anyways.

So here is this prized STRAW. Mmmmm strawberry milk is good right? Oh, and whats this? MAGIC Milk Straws. That's WAY better than a regular already made up thing any day, right?

However, I can't help myself. I wish ignorance was bliss, but I need to know - What's in a MAGIC MILK STRAW?

Oh no shit, you don't say?? Not just one, or two, but THREE different derivatives of SUGAR?!?! REALLY???? Uh huh. Yeah, it's real important your kids drink that milk right? I find my kids drink their milk better when I shoot them full of MAGIC heroin. Certainly the negative effects of that are counterbalanced and THEN SOME by the worlds only source of calcium, right? RIGHT?

Very disturbing folks, VERY DISTURBING!

My Nemesis has Returned!!!!!

That fucking bear is back... That dirty bear... He haunts my dreams... Hell, he stalks my fucking house!

Has anyone else received mail directly from Charmin? Of all the people in the world, it comes to me? ME?!

Read HERE, HERE, and HERE for my feelings on toilet paper advertising.

You all say I should quit talking about it, but what do I have to do? Take out a restraining order on this foul feces covered bear and his poorly hygiened family to make the assaults in my home stop? Look what just came in the mail!!

What the hell does that even mean? For a clean you will notice? What sort of "UNcleanness" is the general public experiencing right now where this marketing slogan is getting results?

I know I keep writing about it, but in all reality, I'm dumbfounded. I'm speechless. I'm in awe! Also, I'm pretty fucking offended too.

Can someone make it stop!?

The Golden Boy

What's it like? What's it like to be spoiled rotten? Some people may think my life was something to be fancied. Yeah, we lived in a nice house. So what, I had a pony. Maybe we had the RV's and the houseboat and the speed boat and the jet skis. Possibly you heard we traveled around the country for weeks at a time. Okay, I admit, we lived WELL.

But no.

My bitterness and jealousy can be checked by NO ONE.

I don't even think I can name the WORK I did. Everything from pouring cement to digging ditches. Juicing 75 lb bags of carrots for an ailing mother dying of a brain tumor (she lived) to caring for a baby that wasn't mine. (15 yrs my junior brother) From delivering firewood to painting fences. Removing wallpaper to raking up the the fallen leaves of nearly TWO HUNDRED trees. There was no mercy. There was no cable. There was no prom, no music, no football games. I was denied after school participation in Forensics. (Not dead bodies, but debate! NERD STUFF!) Denied when I was IN school that is. I gave up my freshmen and senior year to home studies so I could serve the needs of my family. Oh and do not doubt for a second... through all of that, I brought home straight A's. I worked part time caring for my ailing grandparents. Did everything I could to prove myself a good and worthy person.

Then enter THE GOLDEN BOY. That sweet curly headed boy. The boy who does whatever the fuck he wants to and gets rewarded for simply existing. He's brought home bad grades. He's had some "incidents" with the law. He's fully enveloped in teenage angst and apathy. Yet, he's the GOLDEN BOY.

I want good for him. Hell, I want the BEST for him. BUT some days I think he needs to fucking earn it. Pay his dues like I PAID. I don't know why I fight for him. Mom says it's because I'm fighting for myself. She's probably right.

Drive a brand new car? Live in the city in a mansion across the street from the school and your after school robotics program? Have a cell phone? Get a brand new iPod touch? Take out of town trips with the school? Play your video games and have your friends over? I die a little inside every time I hear about it.

Do you know I got yelled out for reading too much? For always having my nose buried in a book and not watching where we were driving? I begged to go to school on time even when it was foggy day schedule! I ditched class to go to OTHER classes!

REALLY? Yeah, really.

Carry on with your bad self, but steer clear of me. My vitriol and jealousy knows no bounds.

An experiment in vanity...

There is so much in the media about celebrities and their appearances. People are lambasting Heidi Montag for getting plastic surgery. Granted, I think she's not so smart and was pretty enough already, but actually I think she looks fabulous now.

Then there was the whole revolt against Demi Moore for possibly photoshopping herself to look better. What, pray tell, is so wrong with a 40+ year old women who will be appearing on a magazine cover looking her best?? Do you want her up there with no makeup??

Oprah just made a crack about the cover of her most recent magazine and how she looked at it while she was actually at the breakfast table and it made her laugh because she didn't look ANYTHING like that.

I don't know. It's just started to bother me. Maybe there is something wrong with me, but I like those magazines. I like perfection. I expect perfection. I don't know. I was raised that you should always put your best foot forward. I take the time to put make up on. I get my hair done religiously. I like to wear decent clothes. And, TRUST ME, finding good clothes that fit my body is laborious and hard.

So I thought to myself - are the pictures online representative of me in real life? I don't know! Do I put forward the REAL me or a puffed and fluffed up version of me? I don't know!

I can tell you this much though, I take a lot of pictures! I fiddle with finding the right light and getting a good angle and cropping out the weird stuff and hey, if you own photoshop you better use it right?!?!

So, I said it last post and I'll say it again this post - FULL DISCLOSURE! I got nothing to hide so here's me, in the raw. Not so pretty now, eh?

What would you do if photographers were following you at every moment? Seeing even that middle one makes me want to have at least 18 different surgeries and that's what I friggen look like every day!

Which would YOU want to on a magazine cover? Ummm, PhotoShop just became my new BFF. Of course, I purposely didn't smile and that's not even a good picture with good lighting. In fact, that was straight window sunlight which is very unflattering... but anyways.

It was just a little experiment. What are your thoughts? What would you do?

What's up with that ankle breaker?

Seriously... have you guys seen these new yellow bumpy traction pads?

Can anyone tell me what these are for??? Don't tell me traction! Don't tell me safety!

Have you ever tried to walk over these wearing high heels? Yeah, that sucker will throw you to the ground quicker than you can imagine.  Pretty retarded if you ask me!

I'm a clumsy person. I need all the help I can get. THESE DO NOT HELP!

Is NOTHING sacred?

This post requires back story - SORRY - put your reading glasses on, it's about to get intense. I have issues. You knew that already didn't you? :( Well, fooey on you!

Anyways, I may **MAY** have a slight problem with toilet paper advertising campaigns.
Commence reading HERE and HERE.

I like getting mail. Even if it's bills, I get really excited to seem my name on something. I'm weird I know, HOWEVER, this... This is HIGHLY inappropriate. This is OFFENSIVE.



I've never been more horrified in all my life! SERIOUSLY! Soften your "bottom" line...?  NO FUCKING WAY I just read that. NO WAY.

We will not even DISCUSS the need for "UltraStrong" toilet paper.

In fact, dear friends, I don't even think I can have this discussion anymore. It just makes me ill! Assaulting me in my home with this dirty pervert bear waggling his feces covered rear at me - I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Make it stop, will you? PLEASE!!

The strangest thing just happened...

Well, actually it wasn't even close to THE strangest - I seem to attract STRANGE things... However, here's a little story for you.

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As a side note, you should know, I'm a pretty chatty person. I smile and talk and make eye contact and say my please and thank you's and the whole bit. The store is kinda a big deal for me. I like the cashiers to know me and me to know them. It may be a chain store, but it's LOCAL - it's MINE and that's what I do...
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A couple weeks ago I had to stop at the store and pick up a few ingredients and a couple bottles of wine from the grocery store for a potluck dinner I was going to later that evening.

As my stuff was being scanned, something happened with the cashier (NOT ON PURPOSE) and my bottle of La Crema fell over and the bottom of the bottle broke off! OMG WINE EVERYWHERE!

How do you think this situation worked out? What would be your reaction? There would be "A REACTION" right?

Ummmm, NO!

It was SOOO weird! She just picked up a rag, a small rag, and sort of blotted up a little bit. All the while my cheese and ranch seasoning and bread are being demolished. So I'm picking stuff up and it's dripping wine and the guy behind me in line and I are talking, I'm talking to the cashier, the bag boy... EVERYONE.

The entire... ENTIRE... E N T I R E  cleaning process, replacement of my tarnished products process, checkout process, and albeit "one sided" conversation clear through me signing the receipt she did not make eye contact, answer my questions, respond to my banter, or even acknowledge my existence. IT WAS FUCKING BIZARRE... !!!!!

I know it wasn't her fault - it's not like I expected her to say "I'm sorry" or anything, but possibly an "Oooops" or "Oh my gosh" or "Wow, I'm tired will this day ever end" or SOMETHING... RIGHT?  Wouldn't you say SOMETHING?!

Okay, upon review this was a lame story... but I found it to be so crazy!  I think I need to get out more.

"Sorry to Bother You" is the new "Hello"

I think the running theme for my blog the last few weeks has been THE EDGE. That and possibly some arsonist tendencies, but whatever, right?

Seriously though, if one more person calls me and greets me with “Sorry to bother you...” I... I... I don’t know what I’ll do!!!

Are you good at math? Can you calculate for me how much time in minutes this WASTES of my day versus just saying “Hello” and then telling me what you fucking want?

You’re NOT sorry...
You saying it in a baby voice changes nothing of the requests to come...
It’s really annoying...

And what happens when I say, “Actually, you are bothering me!” ??? Do you walk away in shame? No, you still need something. I’m still going to do it for you. Let’s not kid each other, alright? I love pleasantries and jovial conversation, but it’s hollow and meaningless if that’s just instinctual drivel that spews out your pie hole because you think it somehow softens the blow of needing me to do MORE stuff for you.

So, please people, PLEASE - save the bullshit and the breath and lets just get on with it. Does anyone have a lighter? A match? A flam... uhhhhh - wait, huh, I just was going to smoke a ciga.... uhhhh Nevermind!

Thank you.

The Lone Sock

I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind.

Look at this picture!

LOOK AT IT!!
If this were your sock, exactly how many days would you walk over it...? around it...? by it...?

We're on day 6 ladies and gentlemen.

SIX DAYS!

That's approximately 15 times each person in this household would have crossed paths with the lonely Hanes.

Just so you know, you can bet the coming tribulation on the fact that this is not my sock. Ever met a person on the edge? That's me - I'm at my limit. It's all these little things. It's not the working 12 hours a day. It's not the family issues and money woe. It's the lunacy that is knowing people can exist in a world where they can just check out and walk over this stupid sock! Personally, I feel this is very unfair to me. What are my options here?

(1) I pick up the sock, walk around and ask everyone, "Is this your sock?" and handle it for them
(2) I don't pick up the sock and step over it like the rest of them while very unceremoniously liquifying my internal organs
(3) Set fire to the house and just make it all just "go away"

So far, I've opted for Option 2. I'll keep you posted.

Making cleaning fun...

Yeah, I'm a bitch... a big ole one too! I should be writing about how awesome my roommates are (Which I usually do BTW) but I'm also terribly terribly flawed.

I'm pretty sure they are playing a game with me. They have to be. I think the game is to see how quickly they can get the girl with MILD OCD symptoms to go completely lunatic raving mad insane.

Like how is it possible to open a closet door in the hallway and NOT SHUT IT completely? How do you leave it cracked? EVERY TIME YOU OPEN IT? HOW? Please teach me... because (and this may be a rather bold statement) I'm pretty sure that if my house was on fire and my most prized possessions were in that closet and all I had to do was grab them and run to safety - EVEN THEN I would still close the door completely.

I'm a STRONG believer in the philosophy "A place for everything and everything in it's place." I don't know if that's a philosophy actually. A statement? A quote? Let's make it a lifestyle. It's my lifestyle! I have little trays and a certain order I put things in. My kitchen drawers are very "consistent"... That's the word I'm going to use to downplay OCD, ok? Sort of like the hoarder who says they have a "cluttering" problem.

Anyways, I have a little caddy I use to hold my earth friendly cleaning supplies. They are for everyone to use as I "encourage" cleaning, ya know? This is how I found my caddy after someone so generously cleaned the kitchen while I was at work.

Let me just assure you, it does NOT look like that!

Look closer... This is me being clinically diagnosed INSANE!

INSANE!!!!


Someone tell me what is going on here. How come the bottles aren't upright? I.don't.understand.
DOES
NOT
COMPUTE

Was this a new way to make cleaning fun? Do we stand across the room and throw the cleaning bottles at the caddy and see if you can make a goal or what? It's like a physical impossibility for me to do anything like this.

And what am I supposed to do? HA! I just straightened it and said thanks for cleaning the kitchen, but oh my god, I wonder if they'll ever know how crazy I am. You don't think I'm crazy, DO YOU?

Oh really?

For those of you who don't know, I'm a bit of a nature freak. I take more pride than I can explain to you in coming home from multiple stores and having nothing to throw away! I bring canvas bags with me and even mesh bags for my vegetables. I HATE waste and actually have intense energy directed at baggers and cashiers who can't figure out how to do it right.

Actually, I just had a gathering at my house last weekend and everyone kept asking me for paper plates and cups so they didn't dirty any dishes. OMG, PLEASE DIRTY A DISH rather than throw something away. I forced everyone to use real stuff. 5 minutes of extra work is nothing, geez!

Also, Fresno has been really big on their "Buy Local" campaign. I agree with this. I like feeling like I'm a part of something and doing something good. Plus, here in Fresno, the fruit basket of the world, buying vegetables and fruit from local farms is diverse, affordable, and awesome! When I saw this sign at Vons I was so happy since I needed squash anyways:

HOWEVER, upon further inspection, I think someone needs a geography lesson. Either that or it's A LOT smaller world than I originally imagined:


HA HA HA! OH REALLY? This is considered LOCAL? ALL OF NORTH AMERICA? UH HUH...

Tips to help civilize the general public...

Yeah, some of you are in dire straights. I mean, I think you all know I could wax poetic bitch and moan for hours on end about how you all are fucking up the minute details of my serenity.

Let me just give you the smallest of pointers. Your roommates/parents/spouse/house cleaner can thank me later.

Kitchen Sink Rules
1) PLEASE, do NOT fill both basins with your garbage. For the love of god, leave the garbage disposal side empty so the one's of us who want to use the sink still have a free and clear side to work with.

2) PLEASE, rinse out or rinse off your plate/bowl before you walk away. I could go on an on about how ridiculous it is that you feel entitled to just leave your stuff for someone else to clean up in the first place, but should you feel completely comfortable burdening the others in your work place or household with your laziness and refuse - AT LEAST have the decency to rinse. Dropping your napkin in your half eaten bowl of minestrone and splashing some water on it for good measure is about the most disrespectful offensive load of bullshit I've ever seen. YOU DIDN'T WANT TO WASH IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, but now I have to put my hands in your last digestive "experience" to clean up your mess.

UNACCEPTABLE

Good times were had by all...

Okay, no no - that was a lie. See, I'm a great marketer. I lured you in with a catchy jingle and promises of whoozits whatsit, but the product was of poor quality and misrepresented. OOOPS! So maybe that title was a bit misleading, but no takesies backsies... You're here and now you have to read about it!

I guess, first, I'd like to say it started out really really shitty. If anyone has deduced that I may not be a morning person, it won't really earn you anything because everyone on earth should know that. However, when my phone rang at 7:30am I knew something was wrong. I clamored out of the shower only to see my real dads number on the caller ID. Sigh.
I shouldn't answer...
But maybe it's important...
If it's important he'll leave a message...
For gods sake, how old are you anyways? Just answer the phone.

ME: Hello?
HIM: (Funny voice) Yes, this is the *company I work for* corporate office. We're sorry to inform you that we're going through another round of layoffs and unfortunately we're not going to be needing your services anymore... So luckily for you, you can go ahead and go back to bed.
ME: .........
HIM: hahahahahahahahahahaha

Am I the only one who thinks that is just about the shittiest most fucked up way to ask your daughter to lunch because you are going to be in town? What an asshole. There were two other jokes, one involving him leaving his debts and responsibilities to me should something happen during surgery and a follow up call pretending to be the doctor letting me know my father had passed away.

UMMMMMMMM?????? WHAT?!

I should mention that during the ENTIRE delivery of the aforementioned jokes, I continuously repeated "This is not funny, I don't think this is funny, this is not funny, please stop I don't find this even remotely funny" to which he finished and laughed heartily anyways.

I am ashamed that this is a part of me. I am also hurt. I am also so confused. Without the droning on of the poor me's and the is this normals... I'll just stop. No one wants to read all the drivel.

Everyone has their demons. Their hauntings. The shadow that follows them wherever they go.

It's becoming clear to me that my expectations are waaay too high...

I'm going to complain, make fun, and generally be a catty bitch in this post... so move right along if you're not into that kind of thing.

Five things you need to know, do, or point and laugh at...

1) I have a problem with commercials. This is why I pay for TiVo. I compulsively fast forward, but every once in a while I'm assaulted by something truly disturbing. Has anyone seen the one where mother nature is an evil woman who shows up carrying a red box and gives women their "monthly gift" at uncool times like on a first date or as you are wearing all white and landing your private jet on a Hawaiian beach with girlfriends? Really? And I KNOW the illustration didn't just show a red box bouncing around in there trying to get out. Yeah... Seriously... Personally, I don't think a white bathing suit is a good idea ever, but really? I could talk for hours about this.

1a) It's about drinkability. REALLY? This is your beverage marketing slogan? It's DRINKABLE? I find this to be SOOO HUMOROUS that it is, in fact, bothersome. Not better tasting, not less filling, not low calorie... IT'S DRINKABLE? hahaha *puke* hahaha

1b) Okay, I have a serious commercial problem!!! The Charmin Toilet Paper Company MUST BE STOPPED. These filthy disgusting bears and their love of public defecation MUST BE STOPPED. I just saw one last night where they all drive around together in a car, stop in the woods, and take a big family dump. There are no words to describe my horror.

Moving On...

2) I was at Dollar Tree the other day. It was clearly the first time the lady in front of me had been there. She asks the cashier, "How much are the balloons you have over there?" He says, "I think they are a dollar." She counters with, "How much are the foil balloons?" He says, "Actually, those are a dollar too." Does she have a vision problem as well, or are the 75 EVERYTHING'S A DOLLAR posters really really confusing?

Then the people behind me bust in and ask the cashier, "How about these candy bars? The box says 59 cents." The cashier must get this a lot because he says, "Then they must be 59 cents." I however observed the sign says "2 for $1." It's a little scary going out in public sometimes. Very simple concepts confuse people and I'm terrified for the future now.

3) I have a tax man who lives up in Oakhurst. He is a strange man, but his dad used to do my dads taxes so it's sort of a family thing. Once a year I have the privilege of driving up north to cram myself into this strange uneven room. His table is just a GIANT tree stump and the ceiling slopes so that you sort of have to crawl into your chair. It's a crazy HEAVY old orangy chair and there are papers EVERYWHERE. He always keeps an ice chest behind him with Hansen's soda in it and when I leave, I come home with a little tidbit worth sharing.

A few years ago, he shared with me that he enjoys taking a dip in his spa in the morning before coming to work. Fairly normal and not noteworthy right? Did I forget to mention he is always joined by his pet turkey? HAHAHA Uhhh, what?? I was too shocked to really ask any questions, but isn't that called making soup? Isn't that how you cook lobster? I mean, turkeys shouldn't be in the spa, right? Tell me that's strange so I feel better about myself. (PS - he is the nicest guy and does a GREAT job, but I had to share the turkey thing.) I can't make this up people.

4) I had a Mountain Dew "Throwback" the other day. I don't think I have a clear understanding of what the term "Throwback" means. To me it has negative connotations. If it's no good you throw it back, right? As a dew purist, I thought it was gross. I'd rather have the original or nothing at all. High fructose corn syrup FTW!

5) I just want to talk to people who work in the food industry here at good ole #5. I know your job is hard. I know everyone is different and most people are douche's to you. I know most people don't tip well. Now that we've covered a few of the basics that I know, can we talk about some stuff? Friend to friend? I LOVE FOOD. Food and me go WAY back. It's ritualistic and comforting and practically orgasmic. That being said, I think you should understand that I am happy and excited to be in your establishment. However, lets just set a few ground rules here.

The last 3 restaurants I ate at totally fucked up the dance. Don't act like you didn't know eating out is a finely choreographed dance, it SOO is.
*Please allow me to sit down and put my purse down before you are already spewing off your specials. I'm still standing... REALLY?

*Please follow the order of things. I just ate at a place that brought my chips & salsa, guacamole, bean soup, AND entree all at the same time. Then they took my drink order!! The food was DELICIOUS, but I was so disappointed because it was too much.

*Allow me time. Speed is not everything!! Sometimes my entire plan for the night is to enjoy my companions company. I want to chitty chat and savor my tapenade and flatbread. I want to tell a funny story and then get really excited about my beet salad. I want time to reminisce while waiting in hungry expectation for my designer pizza. Get it? The waiting, the expectation, the tease... It's like sex. Can I get a little foreplay PLEASE?**

So anyways, that's what was on my mind today. :)




**Now is NOT the time for your comments to offer advice on my sex life, I'm just trying to be funny here...

If bibles were beers and life were one giant party...

Boy oh boy would we have some awkward stories to tell LOL. Actually, this is quite possibly the most perfect illustration of what I feel my current experience is. Some would say it's sacrilege to speak of such things on Easter Sunday. I say it's more like the universes cruel joke on me, but whatever.

I enjoy a good adult beverage now and then, okay probably more now than then, but anyways. I'd say my experience has been that I can have a good time almost anywhere and don't need a drink to tell stupid jokes, laugh really hard, or do whatever else people do while drinking. For whatever reason though, every once in a while I don't feel like drinking. Still having that invite to a party or a gathering or even a bar, I'll go - happy to be out and to see my friends - ready for good jokes and catching up and lots of laughs and even a little gossip, I often find my conversation goes a little like this:

Do you want a drink? Where's your drink? Hey, what are you drinking? Marisa, can I get you a drink? Somebody get this girl a drink!! OH LOOK EVERYONE, Marisa isn't drinking... Are you not drinking for a reason? It's just one drink, shoot you can have just one!! I'll be right back, let me get you a drink! Marisa, where's your drink?

That's about the time I step aside and go get a glass of cranberry juice or Red Bull.

What is it about me not having a goddamn drink that makes everyone so uncomfortable? Why does me holding this fake drink suddenly make it ok? Now let's get this party started! Then we talk and we share and we laugh and the night moves right along and everyone is happy - even me!

SO, if bibles were beers and life were one giant party, I would be the one making you want to crawl out of your skin. Why is my participation so necessary for your experience to be pleasurable? It's not like you can't still talk about it, share with me stuff, and tell me what makes you happy or inspired.

For the majority though, it seems spirituality is no longer a personal journey. We must beat down every door and pound the pavement and rove the bus stations and laundromats and leave no one behind! Okay, I'm in, sign me up... Wait, what?! There's MORE invasive questions? Now it's not even good enough to do that. Suddenly you feel entitled to know all my inner workings... the why. It's not that you want to know why, but so that you can change it once you do find out. It's not even okay for us to do the exact same thing, I also have to do it for the exact same reasons as you?

I'm fighting a losing battle here.

Can't everyone just be okay doing what they do? I don't eat meat, but I don't need you to stop for me to be happy. I honestly am so happy with my iPhone and think the world would be a better place if you all had one, but in reality you don't. Okay... AND? Does that make me enjoy mine less? No! Does that make me uncomfortable? No!

I just want to be left alone. I want time for these wounds to heal. I don't want to play this game anymore. I just want to be real and be accepted for who I am, yet no matter what I do, I can't please everyone. I think everyone should quit putting the weight of their happiness and fulfillment in my hands then because I am going to disappoint you. Sigh.

WTF

Yeah... so driving around town the other day, I saw this...

We could talk 20 minutes about the intricate details of everything wrong with this photo.
1) Is that a dead animal hanging from the back?
2) Is this a mobile memorial to some sort of deceased person?
3) Is that a strange blow up doll on the trunk?
4) What the fuck? I'm mean seriously? What is going on here? I am MYSTIFIED!

Also, I was window shopping and saw THIS...

Did I miss something? Clearly there was a memo sent out that I did not get.
1) This is the best outfit you could come up with for your window?
2) Are shorts okay this short on ANYONE? Umm, no
3) Short shorts with white boots and a popped collar?
4) Did I leave the planet via alien abduction or parallel universe wormhole? Because, What the fuck?

Alright, I'm in bed, I'm tired, and I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. I'm going to bed now. Much love! Goodnight!

Uhhh - PANIC - Backpedal - how exactly do I explain THAT!?

So I raced home last night after a grueling day at work and upon seeing my roommate in the hallway, had this conversation:

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Me: Ummm, so HEY, umm if you sort of write a blog about how hot you think a guy is in a movie, woul...

Her: Oh Oh, which movie...?

Me: Well, umm, you know that movie Amistad?

Her: Yeeeaaaaahhhhhhhh??????

Me: and also, ummm, American History X?

Her: (Shivers) Oh my god, remember that part where he “curbs” that one kid?

Me: So.. Yeah... if you sorta overlook, like, slavery and apartheid and stuff... Ummm and say something that happened during a hate crime was hot - is that bad?

Her: *Stare of disbelief*

Me: SO WAIT- it get’s worse!!! JUST NOW, this guy, a black guy, sends me a message saying “Hmmm, I don’t really know you, so all I can say is Hmmmm.” OH.MY.GOD. do you think he meant HMMM as in, she was totally digging on black guys or do you think he meant HMMM as in, this white chick just posted the most racist blog of all time?

Her: Marisa - Oh My God - why would you write that stuff?

Me: Dude, you never see movies with naked guys in it! I just wanted to say I thought it was hot! Oh Wait, I did see Kevin Bacon’s wiener in Wild Things... HA HA...

Her: Yeah, Kevin Bacon is hot too... But that’s like me saying the guys in Schindlers List were hot because they were naked right before they went into the incinerator!

Me: True, and I *MAY* have said something about Schindlers list as well - I KNOW I KNOW - but they were all skinny and stuff - I’m talking about Kimora’s baby daddy here....

Her: OH TOTALLY, that Djimon guy is HOT!

Me: I KNOW! So, now how do I explain to this guy that my dad is black, my cousins are black, that my ex and other roommate were black? He’s totally gonna think I’m pulling the old white girl “Oh no no, I didn’t mean it like THAT way - my best friend is black”... routine. You know there’s no way he read my backblog. OH MY GOD!

Her: Yeah, good luck with that.

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It pretty much went like that.
My whole life goes like that.

Let me properly introduce myself. “I’m Marisa. I’m awkward and NEVER pass up an opportunity to put my foot in my mouth!”

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Me with my ex Khari
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My favorite cousin Sunny
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Me, my dad, & brother

Do your part people!

So, for those of you who don’t know, I try my best to be eco-responsible. I recycle, buy and support organic, local and free range produce, etc. I’ve switched all my bulbs over to compact fluorescents. I stopped using all those AirWick plug in things that constantly drain electricity and put chemicals in the air. I do my best to only buy cleaning products that I feel are concentrated and/or more natural. (I’m also a strict vegetarian, but I don’t know if that really applies to this topic so I’m not dwelling on it) I don’t buy bottled water and instead re-fill/re-use a thermos. I gave away all my tupperware and switched to corningware - it’s more durable and lasts longer. I purchased cloths to clean with instead of papertowels. I use dishes and not paper plates. I converted all my bills over to paperless statements. While it seems like I’m doing a whole lot here, it’s really not that much and I wish more people would see that spending $1 more or taking 5 extra minutes to make a better decision really does help make a difference.

Actually, I think most people do this so that the planet is a good place for their kids - I don’t have kids - so I don’t know why I’ve picked this cause... but I have.

For me, it seems most things boil down to waste and laziness. EVERYTHING is disposable now and it makes me SO sad. Seriously, you can’t own and wash a cutting board?? You would just use a cutting board (piece of plastic) and then throw it away? I just seem to come across A LOT of waste and excess and it’s disheartening the lack of energy people will dedicate to a worthwhile cause.

My biggest pet peeve is using plastic and paper bags at the store. And not just the grocery store, but ANY STORE! I have not been to a store that doesn’t sell their own version of a reusable bag. Target, TJ Maxx, Vons, and even Hollywood video offer canvas bags - yet there clearly needs to be some sort of orientation done down at the cashier/checker/bagger union. I’ve never had more blank stares in my life. Most times I have to physically INTERVENE and sometimes I even have to bag my own stuff ☹

Here are some simple rules:

1) It’s canvas - it’s washable - do not wrap all of my items individually in plastic to protect my canvas bag
2) Do your job and PACK it properly. Do not just haphazardly shove a bunch of shit in there so it’s half filled up and then put the rest into plastic bags. Use your tetris skills - work it out.
3) Have some sort of self awareness that I’m doing this to AVOID using paper or plastic. How do you always find a way to put something in a plastic bag?

Yeah, that’s it, just 3. It’s a GIANT pet peeve of mine.

What I most recently started using are these:


I gather a great sense of accomplishment from leaving the store and being 100% eco-friendly.

My favorite bags are these:

Cheap, affordable, stylish, compact... You can’t get better than that.

I know most of you either care or don’t care already so this won’t change your mind, but I secretly hope it does. There is no reason our household should need to take the trash out every day. With a little bit of effort we take it out about once a week and we only put our bins out every other week. Even if you don’t change, just pay attention every time you throw something away. It may surprise you.

Funny thing about being cold...

...is it's not funny at all!

I am always cold. Like Marisa needs to have her Thyroid checked cold. Like I have on a jacket and a blanket on my lap and a heater under my desk RIGHT NOW cold. I hate being cold. (Weather forecast shows it should be 73 and sunny today... so umm... something is just wrong with ME here)

I was really cold in urgent care the other day. When they checked my temperature it said 98.4 - not that .2 degrees means much of anything, but I had a little chuckle and thought YEAH... I AM ACTUALLY COLDER than the average person. Just enough .2 to be uncomfortable at all times. UGH.

So, I’m trying to come up with an affordable (Heating my house is not affordable BTW - PG&E standard of 68 degrees is fucking cold and still costs me $220 a month... AHEM...) way to keep warm.

I don’t have nearly the time it would take to develop a workout regimen. I say that because all of my big bad buff work out all the time guy friends sweat like pigs 24 hours a day due to much manly weight lifting (Or so they say)

I also don’t think I should be drinking on the job. Although, the movies have taught me that taking a shot of whiskey will WARM YA UP!

This is where I took a big leap and decided that me being cold is the same as me being drunk. Hang in there with me. They say right before you die from hypothermia you lose your dexterity. I can’t feel my fingers right now so if you had any idea how long this is taking me to type you’d know my work productivity is severely limited. All I can think about is how cold I am and therefore I'm not making good decisions. But isn't that what they always say about drinking alcohol? It hampers your dexterity, your clear thinking, your reaction time. OMG being drunk is the same as being cold!

Maybe I need to join WA (Weather Anonymous)... No that’s dumb - TA (Temperature Anonymous)... No that’s too close to T&A.. AH HA HA See what I mean about clear thinking diminishing? This must be why I find myself to be so hilarious. Clearly I’m delusional. The cold has seeped into my brain and killed my ability to complete a thought. Must.go.try.to.warm.up...

A collection of Letters I've been meaning to write for a while...

#1...

Dear 'strange woman who looks like a man that has a mustache and drives a shitty KIA'

Did no one explain to you what cruise control is? It is nearly impossible to drive circles around my car while I've been going a steady 85 mph in the same direction for the last 135 miles, but somehow you found a way.

Possibly I am being intolerant. Maybe you have some sort of rare right leg only seizure which forces you to slow down to 50 mph and then SPASM and mash down on the gas and leap up to 100 mph, careening across traffic while spastically changing lanes as we all hold on for dear life? I shouldn't judge you.

Maybe you suffer from multiple personality disorder and this is merely you phasing between Matilda the 90 year old grandma driver and Steve the 'roided out road rage-aholic? Again I judged you, let me apologize. 200 miles and you are still circling me!

OR MAYBE - just maybe... you shouldn't be driving? Since I tried to escape you and you are still right next to me, clearly you are not afraid of me typing a blog on my iPhone and creepily taking pics of your car. Haha.

Either way I have thoroughly entertained myself and burst out laughing every time you FLY by me, so thank you.
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#2

Dear Severely Mentally handicapped lady who speaks only Spanish, but has my cell # on speed dial...

I have been trying so hard to come up with an explanation as to why you call me at all hours of the day and night. Over and over and over again. From different numbers, but I know it's you. At 8 am and 4 pm and 2 am...

Who exactly is Inara? And exactly how many times do you need to call before you actually understand this is not the person you are trying to reach?

I assumed you spoke Spanish, but my cries of "El numero es no bueno" have fallen on deaf ears and were only answered by another "...Inara?" Did I misunderstand something?

What part of my voice mail stating my name and speaking in English makes you think Inara will soon be returning your call?

Seriously... if you have this much of a deficit, how are you holding a job to pay for your cell phone? Someone? Anyone? HELP! We're talking no less than 100 calls over the last year.

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#3

Dear crazy lady who runs around the lake (rain, fog, sleet, darkness... nothing stops you) about 35 times a day who has a limp and is clearly not enjoying herself...

I admire your consistency, but what is your story?

I imagine you were in some sort of debilitating accident... something that left you damaged - maybe you thought you would never walk again... and now you run. You run that crazy curly hair flying but 1 leg is stiff run. I see you no matter what time I leave the house and I.AM.FASCINATED...!

MAYBE you were fat and had gastric bypass and lost all the weight, but your obsession with food has turned into some sort of compulsive exercise disorder!? And now you fear you will gain it all back if you don't RUN... RUN LIKE THE WIND... 24 hours a day...

Or MAYBE... you are just crazy... Cuz, goddamn you have never not been outside running... OMG STOP IT!