The Mad Duck

So I recently saw a new place going up over nextdoor to Sequoia Sandwich there in the Target parking lot on the corner of Willow / Herndon.



Besides being completely food motivated, I can enjoy a good brew too! Gotta admit, I'm excited to try this place when it opens up! Who wants to go with me?

Thank you universe, for being so damn consistent

Wow, oh how we are destined to repeat ourselves! Seems I'm a bit predictable. I was just reading the Tao and thinking, didn't I write a blog about the 29th Verse? Just searched for it - yup, sure did in AUGUST 2008! How funny that almost exactly one year later I find myself back in a similar place. Hrrrmmmmm Wierd.

I feel like I'm having a bit of a melt down. Maybe that's too personal, I don't know and I don't care. Just trying to learn and to grow.

2 things I've picked up about myself.

1) When in times of distress, I tend to turn on my heel and do the opposite... some really extreme stuff. This is the first time in my life where I've been able to calm down enough to recognize that and actually force myself to stay in the house! May seem like I'm avoiding my friends or doing something bad, but truth is, it's just what I need for me.

2) I've found that my most successful steps towards true personal growth have only been taken during times of solitude. I need that. It's hard on me, but I need it.

So thank you all for hanging in there with me while I sort out these things and allow them to happen at their own pace.

Here's the 29th verse should you feel the need to zen out or at least see where I'm trying to be right now.

Allow your life to unfold naturally.
Know that it too is a vessel of perfection.
Just as you breathe in and breathe out,
there is a time for being ahead
and a time for being behind;
a time for being in motion
and time for being at rest;
a time for being vigorous
and a time for being exhausted;
a time for being safe
and a time for being in danger.

To the sage all of life is a movement toward perfection,
so what need has he
for the excessive, the extravagant, or the extreme?

And Oh, how I pray...

Oh, how I pray.

Do you pray? REALLY pray? I mean, REALLY REALLY?

Oh, how I pray.

A prayer that makes you break into a cold sweat. One of such intensity it brings you to your knees. A feverish pleading with the forces that be. A hand wringing, heart beating, brow furrowed prayer. A desperate yet quiet cry and yet the response I get is, disappointingly, what I asked for - NOTHING.

You see, what I want, NO, what I NEED is nothing. I scream for it, for space. I beg for it, for time. I dream of it, a vacuum. I sacrifice for it, for silence. Sweet elusive silence.

AND Oh, how I pray.

Please, god, buddha, mother earth, PLEASE, where is the off switch?

There is no psychologist, no drink, no pill that quiets her voice.

Eyes open or closed, asleep or awake, ever present she speaks. Every fear, contradiction, judgement, change, difference, and opinion. Every scenario, possibility, and action. Every blink, every risk, every danger. She speaks. Without hesitation or even pause for breath, she rambles on, droning past intention and pleadings...

And OH HOW I PRAY, just for one minute, PLEASE let there be silence.

There is no TV show, no nature walk, no song that stops her dialog, her voice.

Am I crazy? Or am I just that sharp? Oh, how I pray for dullness. Oh, how I pray for mediocrity. Oh, how I mouth the words in silent imitation of my deepest desire - for there to be no voice.

For stillness.

Presence.

Silence.

Peace.

Well, this post is overly revealing, contradictory, and dumb... But here goes...

Yesterday I discovered a NEW feeling... that I was "too connected." Upon further inspection though, I realized actually, I'm a terrible friend and the word connected isn't right. What I actually am is too digitally AVAILABLE. I have a MySpace, a FaceBook, email, twitter, a blog, and an iPhone. There is no moment I'm not just READY to either put my most personal thoughts and feelings out there or to receive your call or text or comment or an @reply.

Plus there's this other thing. I have this abandonment issue and I hate burning bridges so I hang onto things too long. People that suddenly stop talking to me, I think about EVERY DAY WHY? Ex love interests. Friends from 20 years ago. Why am I still holding onto all these things that never made the cut?

Well enough of that!

I went through all my pictures and DELETED things I don't NEED to remember. I DELETED contacts from my phone of people I don't NEED to contact again.. I DELETED my MySpace. There is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I can let go. Normally these things would cause me anxiety, but I was suddenly struck with the feeling that I was ready. These are things that I was a part of or almost was, but they are no more and I'm okay with that.

So, being too digitally available and all, I thought I'd post this. HA!

Have you ever had these feelings? I just feel like people are always watching me. Always judging me. Always looking for fault. Sometimes it's okay to just put your phone on airlane mode or go for a walk or not respond immediately. Sometimes it's ok to keep to yourself, have a glass of wine, and watch TV and not go desperately looking for friends and a party.

That's where I am right now. Where are you?

Best Recipe of the Week

So, I love to cook and more importantly I love to eat! However, I'm a busy gal so I'm going to share with you a recipe that's quick, easy, delicious, and you can impress people without having to cook anything.

Here's the ingredients you will need:

Flat bread (Vons)

Artichoke Spread (Costco)

Mozzarella Cheese

Tomatoes (I recommend an heirloom or homegrown)

Fresh Basil
Balsamic Glaze (Bentleys)

Pretty much, do what you want, but I heat the oven to 400, put just the bread in there for a few minutes until it's SLIGHTLY toasty, spread on the artichoke spread, top with mozzarella, and top with sliced tomatoes. Put back in the oven and cook until tomatoes start to toast and the cheese starts to brown. Pull out and drizzle with the balsamic glaze and top with chopped basil.

VIOLA! You are welcome!