A good cornhole game, I guarantee you'll enjoy it!

So I said I'd post something that amused me.

Salespeople often send out followup letters to their customer base. I'm sure you've gotten them if you've ever bought a car, etc. Anyways, I was given some letters the business had received to see if any of the wording used was good for us to incorporate into our own company followup letters.

I'm innocently reading along and BAM, I discover this gem...

I just keep reading it and re-reading it, and it gets funnier EVERY time. Brilliant! Just brilliant!

Of course, someone spoiled all the fun and informed me that a game of cornhole is a bean bag toss. I was WAAAAY off! LOL

Hope this got you to chuckle! Happy Monday!

Magic Milk Straws - REALLY?!

I must be REALLY observant. Like really, really. Things just catch my eye and they either amuse me or disturb me greatly.

Let's start with what disturbed me first.  (Check back later for an amusing post)

I'm at Target and I see these things called "Milk Straws"... Besides taking a detour to tell the general public.... GEEZZUSS CHRIST you can get calcium from sources other than what the dairy industry owned government brainwashed you into thinking was only milk... Is it really a problem to get your kids to drink milk?? I don't know, this is why I have a dog, so if he's bad I can sell him. I think you get in trouble if you do that with your kids. Not quite sure, but since I have none it's a moot issue anyways.

So here is this prized STRAW. Mmmmm strawberry milk is good right? Oh, and whats this? MAGIC Milk Straws. That's WAY better than a regular already made up thing any day, right?

However, I can't help myself. I wish ignorance was bliss, but I need to know - What's in a MAGIC MILK STRAW?

Oh no shit, you don't say?? Not just one, or two, but THREE different derivatives of SUGAR?!?! REALLY???? Uh huh. Yeah, it's real important your kids drink that milk right? I find my kids drink their milk better when I shoot them full of MAGIC heroin. Certainly the negative effects of that are counterbalanced and THEN SOME by the worlds only source of calcium, right? RIGHT?

Very disturbing folks, VERY DISTURBING!

My Nemesis has Returned!!!!!

That fucking bear is back... That dirty bear... He haunts my dreams... Hell, he stalks my fucking house!

Has anyone else received mail directly from Charmin? Of all the people in the world, it comes to me? ME?!

Read HERE, HERE, and HERE for my feelings on toilet paper advertising.

You all say I should quit talking about it, but what do I have to do? Take out a restraining order on this foul feces covered bear and his poorly hygiened family to make the assaults in my home stop? Look what just came in the mail!!

What the hell does that even mean? For a clean you will notice? What sort of "UNcleanness" is the general public experiencing right now where this marketing slogan is getting results?

I know I keep writing about it, but in all reality, I'm dumbfounded. I'm speechless. I'm in awe! Also, I'm pretty fucking offended too.

Can someone make it stop!?

I just met that Murphy guy and let me tell you, he's a Mother F****r!

You know Murphy right? That guy who makes it rain right after you wash your car? That guy who magically makes a bill show up for the exact amount of your tax return? Yeah, that guy. What a douche.

He just got to me too. I was really excited to finally pay off my car. Then mother fucker Murphy showed his fat unwanted ass up.

First the title came in the mail which was a joyous day!

THEN - a gigantic boulder game flying out of nowhere and cracked the windshield in an unrepairable way!

It's ok, it's ok - I can deal.

THEN, I found this note on my car while innocently shopping at Target.

Yeah. Someone backed into my car and drove away. I found the damage too - A dent in the rear passenger wheel and it ripped the wheel wells protective lining out of its clips. SIGH.

AND THEN... TODAY... after working an 11 hour day and mustering the last drop of energy to still go to the gym, I get in my car to come home and get some food and what do I see?

 See that there on the bottom left?  Yep, the engine light.

Really, Murphy? REALLY? You and all your STUPID laws are pushing my last button.

SIGH.

It's a good car. It's a new car. I take good care of my stuff. I'm not some dumb girl who avoids oil changes or maintenance or even car washes. UGH. Why would all this happen right after it's paid? So disheartening.

I'm tired...

I love blogging. I love telling everyone my most personal thoughts and feelings and really putting myself out there for whatever.

Then I get struck right in the eyes with an overwhelming desire to go hide! Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. Really feeling the urge to regroup - again.

Sometimes I think people care a lot more about mundane things than they really do. Like, while I waffle between working out and/or never eating again and maybe sleeping for the next 5 years until circumstances change, do you know what I have to deal with?

Yup, a roommate that occasionally grieves me with her decisions. Like it's bad enough that we have 2 irons and 2 ironing boards (can't we just fucking share?) but she keeps her iron on the kitchen counter and irons her clothes there on the wood countertop. I don't know if I want to live anymore. This is unfathomable suffering for me.

So, on that note, I'll take my leave again. Be good, I'll be back :)

On a scale of 1 to 10...

How gross would you say crotch sweat is?

I'm gonna say it's about an 8 - UGH!

Can you tell me why it is that I have a trainer who works my calves and my quads and my arms and my abs, but the only thing that sweats is my crotch?

Nothing more awesome than a cute 21 year old musclebound trainer seeing that. Yeah, wow, sorry Erik, how come I have to show you my absolute worst in order to eventually look my best?

Here I am, twice a week, letting you see me at my worst - complaining, in pain, sweaty, and smelly.

Yeah, WAAAAAY T. M. I.   I know, I know.

Sorry.

What's up with that ankle breaker?

Seriously... have you guys seen these new yellow bumpy traction pads?

Can anyone tell me what these are for??? Don't tell me traction! Don't tell me safety!

Have you ever tried to walk over these wearing high heels? Yeah, that sucker will throw you to the ground quicker than you can imagine.  Pretty retarded if you ask me!

I'm a clumsy person. I need all the help I can get. THESE DO NOT HELP!

Is NOTHING sacred?

This post requires back story - SORRY - put your reading glasses on, it's about to get intense. I have issues. You knew that already didn't you? :( Well, fooey on you!

Anyways, I may **MAY** have a slight problem with toilet paper advertising campaigns.
Commence reading HERE and HERE.

I like getting mail. Even if it's bills, I get really excited to seem my name on something. I'm weird I know, HOWEVER, this... This is HIGHLY inappropriate. This is OFFENSIVE.



I've never been more horrified in all my life! SERIOUSLY! Soften your "bottom" line...?  NO FUCKING WAY I just read that. NO WAY.

We will not even DISCUSS the need for "UltraStrong" toilet paper.

In fact, dear friends, I don't even think I can have this discussion anymore. It just makes me ill! Assaulting me in my home with this dirty pervert bear waggling his feces covered rear at me - I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Make it stop, will you? PLEASE!!

The strangest thing just happened...

Well, actually it wasn't even close to THE strangest - I seem to attract STRANGE things... However, here's a little story for you.

----------
As a side note, you should know, I'm a pretty chatty person. I smile and talk and make eye contact and say my please and thank you's and the whole bit. The store is kinda a big deal for me. I like the cashiers to know me and me to know them. It may be a chain store, but it's LOCAL - it's MINE and that's what I do...
------------


A couple weeks ago I had to stop at the store and pick up a few ingredients and a couple bottles of wine from the grocery store for a potluck dinner I was going to later that evening.

As my stuff was being scanned, something happened with the cashier (NOT ON PURPOSE) and my bottle of La Crema fell over and the bottom of the bottle broke off! OMG WINE EVERYWHERE!

How do you think this situation worked out? What would be your reaction? There would be "A REACTION" right?

Ummmm, NO!

It was SOOO weird! She just picked up a rag, a small rag, and sort of blotted up a little bit. All the while my cheese and ranch seasoning and bread are being demolished. So I'm picking stuff up and it's dripping wine and the guy behind me in line and I are talking, I'm talking to the cashier, the bag boy... EVERYONE.

The entire... ENTIRE... E N T I R E  cleaning process, replacement of my tarnished products process, checkout process, and albeit "one sided" conversation clear through me signing the receipt she did not make eye contact, answer my questions, respond to my banter, or even acknowledge my existence. IT WAS FUCKING BIZARRE... !!!!!

I know it wasn't her fault - it's not like I expected her to say "I'm sorry" or anything, but possibly an "Oooops" or "Oh my gosh" or "Wow, I'm tired will this day ever end" or SOMETHING... RIGHT?  Wouldn't you say SOMETHING?!

Okay, upon review this was a lame story... but I found it to be so crazy!  I think I need to get out more.

"Sorry to Bother You" is the new "Hello"

I think the running theme for my blog the last few weeks has been THE EDGE. That and possibly some arsonist tendencies, but whatever, right?

Seriously though, if one more person calls me and greets me with “Sorry to bother you...” I... I... I don’t know what I’ll do!!!

Are you good at math? Can you calculate for me how much time in minutes this WASTES of my day versus just saying “Hello” and then telling me what you fucking want?

You’re NOT sorry...
You saying it in a baby voice changes nothing of the requests to come...
It’s really annoying...

And what happens when I say, “Actually, you are bothering me!” ??? Do you walk away in shame? No, you still need something. I’m still going to do it for you. Let’s not kid each other, alright? I love pleasantries and jovial conversation, but it’s hollow and meaningless if that’s just instinctual drivel that spews out your pie hole because you think it somehow softens the blow of needing me to do MORE stuff for you.

So, please people, PLEASE - save the bullshit and the breath and lets just get on with it. Does anyone have a lighter? A match? A flam... uhhhhh - wait, huh, I just was going to smoke a ciga.... uhhhh Nevermind!

Thank you.

Night Terrors

I cannot and do not watch scary movies. Never. EVER.

What's funny is that, for me, reality is FAR more terrifying than anything a movie could portray. Mostly, my horror flicks involve nature shows about snakes or spiders or anything that has hoarders or dirty people. It is SO EXTREME. I just CANNOT contain myself.

Isn't there a saying "These are the things dreams are made of" ??

Well, let me show you what my nightmares are made of.

AAAAAHHHHHHH!!! That is SOOO NASTY...

People are GROSS! I simply cannot understand how anyone - ANYONE - could look at this and not take immediate action. Do you all understand why I am so tired all the time?

Of course, I cleaned it. I want you to be able sleep tonight, so here is the finished product.

I just find laziness and filth to be the most disgusting combination of things. It also is so very very unnecessary. PLEASE, do not be that person.

The Lone Sock

I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind.

Look at this picture!

LOOK AT IT!!
If this were your sock, exactly how many days would you walk over it...? around it...? by it...?

We're on day 6 ladies and gentlemen.

SIX DAYS!

That's approximately 15 times each person in this household would have crossed paths with the lonely Hanes.

Just so you know, you can bet the coming tribulation on the fact that this is not my sock. Ever met a person on the edge? That's me - I'm at my limit. It's all these little things. It's not the working 12 hours a day. It's not the family issues and money woe. It's the lunacy that is knowing people can exist in a world where they can just check out and walk over this stupid sock! Personally, I feel this is very unfair to me. What are my options here?

(1) I pick up the sock, walk around and ask everyone, "Is this your sock?" and handle it for them
(2) I don't pick up the sock and step over it like the rest of them while very unceremoniously liquifying my internal organs
(3) Set fire to the house and just make it all just "go away"

So far, I've opted for Option 2. I'll keep you posted.

Making cleaning fun...

Yeah, I'm a bitch... a big ole one too! I should be writing about how awesome my roommates are (Which I usually do BTW) but I'm also terribly terribly flawed.

I'm pretty sure they are playing a game with me. They have to be. I think the game is to see how quickly they can get the girl with MILD OCD symptoms to go completely lunatic raving mad insane.

Like how is it possible to open a closet door in the hallway and NOT SHUT IT completely? How do you leave it cracked? EVERY TIME YOU OPEN IT? HOW? Please teach me... because (and this may be a rather bold statement) I'm pretty sure that if my house was on fire and my most prized possessions were in that closet and all I had to do was grab them and run to safety - EVEN THEN I would still close the door completely.

I'm a STRONG believer in the philosophy "A place for everything and everything in it's place." I don't know if that's a philosophy actually. A statement? A quote? Let's make it a lifestyle. It's my lifestyle! I have little trays and a certain order I put things in. My kitchen drawers are very "consistent"... That's the word I'm going to use to downplay OCD, ok? Sort of like the hoarder who says they have a "cluttering" problem.

Anyways, I have a little caddy I use to hold my earth friendly cleaning supplies. They are for everyone to use as I "encourage" cleaning, ya know? This is how I found my caddy after someone so generously cleaned the kitchen while I was at work.

Let me just assure you, it does NOT look like that!

Look closer... This is me being clinically diagnosed INSANE!

INSANE!!!!


Someone tell me what is going on here. How come the bottles aren't upright? I.don't.understand.
DOES
NOT
COMPUTE

Was this a new way to make cleaning fun? Do we stand across the room and throw the cleaning bottles at the caddy and see if you can make a goal or what? It's like a physical impossibility for me to do anything like this.

And what am I supposed to do? HA! I just straightened it and said thanks for cleaning the kitchen, but oh my god, I wonder if they'll ever know how crazy I am. You don't think I'm crazy, DO YOU?

Oh really?

For those of you who don't know, I'm a bit of a nature freak. I take more pride than I can explain to you in coming home from multiple stores and having nothing to throw away! I bring canvas bags with me and even mesh bags for my vegetables. I HATE waste and actually have intense energy directed at baggers and cashiers who can't figure out how to do it right.

Actually, I just had a gathering at my house last weekend and everyone kept asking me for paper plates and cups so they didn't dirty any dishes. OMG, PLEASE DIRTY A DISH rather than throw something away. I forced everyone to use real stuff. 5 minutes of extra work is nothing, geez!

Also, Fresno has been really big on their "Buy Local" campaign. I agree with this. I like feeling like I'm a part of something and doing something good. Plus, here in Fresno, the fruit basket of the world, buying vegetables and fruit from local farms is diverse, affordable, and awesome! When I saw this sign at Vons I was so happy since I needed squash anyways:

HOWEVER, upon further inspection, I think someone needs a geography lesson. Either that or it's A LOT smaller world than I originally imagined:


HA HA HA! OH REALLY? This is considered LOCAL? ALL OF NORTH AMERICA? UH HUH...

Tips to help civilize the general public...

Yeah, some of you are in dire straights. I mean, I think you all know I could wax poetic bitch and moan for hours on end about how you all are fucking up the minute details of my serenity.

Let me just give you the smallest of pointers. Your roommates/parents/spouse/house cleaner can thank me later.

Kitchen Sink Rules
1) PLEASE, do NOT fill both basins with your garbage. For the love of god, leave the garbage disposal side empty so the one's of us who want to use the sink still have a free and clear side to work with.

2) PLEASE, rinse out or rinse off your plate/bowl before you walk away. I could go on an on about how ridiculous it is that you feel entitled to just leave your stuff for someone else to clean up in the first place, but should you feel completely comfortable burdening the others in your work place or household with your laziness and refuse - AT LEAST have the decency to rinse. Dropping your napkin in your half eaten bowl of minestrone and splashing some water on it for good measure is about the most disrespectful offensive load of bullshit I've ever seen. YOU DIDN'T WANT TO WASH IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, but now I have to put my hands in your last digestive "experience" to clean up your mess.

UNACCEPTABLE

My will to live is gone...

Yeah. That's pretty much what 3 hours of computer repair will do to you. And I use the word "REPAIR" lightly being as I didn't fix a god damn thing!

My parents are the type of technological people that have their fans and lights and waterfalls hooked up to an intricately wired remote control system yet still use disposable cameras because they don't quite trust what that digital thing is gonna do. Where's the printouts? Sigh.

Long story short I go over there and I use the wireless and everyone is happy. One day, wireless stops working. Tech support tells my mom to buy a new router. I enter the picture tonight to install new router. I've called everyone. I spent 30 minutes talking to AT&T about their connection and over an hour talking to the Netgear people. Same problem as before. You can plug in and connect just fine, but no wireless. As usual - everyone I spoke to blames Apple. SIGH!

Oh wait, what's that? I'm typing this blog, wirelessly from MY house right now? OH and I was on the wireless at work all day today? Yeah, it's my computer that doesn't know how to connect to a network.

Oh, if I pay $99 to extend the warranty on the thing I JUST TOOK OUT OF THE BOX.. TTTTHHHEEEENNNNN you'll be able to fix my problem?

OMG. I'm so frizzle frazzled!! Plus, I actually think I have some decent computer skillz... so for me to be in this position with NO idea how to fix it is making me insane. Time for bed. UGHH!

Pecking order of death (UPDATE: MORE PICTURES)

So there are city girls and there are country girls. I'd like to think I'm a decent mix of both. I was raised a country girl riding horses, catching lizards, and climbing trees among other things, but I absolutely love reality TV, manicures, and using any excuse to buy a new *anything*...

I'm terrified of snakes and spiders, but I'm okay with squirrels and june bugs and rats - go figure!

HOWEVER
YOU KNOW WHAT'S SCARY??

GEESE!

There are 7 families of geese at this place I go to every day. Here is a video of 2 families.
(Taken from the safety of my car)

Yes, they may not seem that scary just waddling their fat happy asses across the road, but what if you were forced to WALK by them? OH. MY. GOD.

1st of all - did you know that these midieval red eyed devils will hiss at you like a viper? Oh you did know that? Well, screw you because I did not know that and 911 had to take the paddles to me because it scared me to death!
2nd of all - I offer you the below picture that, for the sake of this blog, I risked my life to take!

Do you see the sniper goose at the top? I recommend you zoom in on this picture. I have highlighted with green arrow the two Carl Lewis' of the group, beaks agape, feet in FULL run towards me.


I had video of this encounter, but I deleted it too soon. I had accidentally hit the button twice, so when I thought I stopped it, I actually started it. All you hear is me say AAAAAHHHHH and then the camera drops down and videos my feet run away. Only now that it's gone do I realize how funny it was. DANG IT!

Do you see how they are EVERYWHERE I go? SO MANY!

I know, I suck

Sometimes the universe just puts a stop to your creativity.

It beats you down with a good dose of the plague and shoves reality in your face.

It makes you fight just to get up, and when you do, it makes sure nothing goes according to plan.

It doesn't hand to you more than you can bear, but it saps all of your energy so you cannot do anything effectively or to your standards.

And as a girl, my solution to that is to cry myself to sleep and be inexplainably mad at said universe for making it so damn hard to be perfect. WTF?


So yeah... Im fanfuckingtastic... How are you?

Raccoons and Strippers turn out to be oddly similar

I’d like you to look at me. Look up at the top of this blog, maybe to the side, okay, even look below this post... WAIT, Oh my god, how many freakin’ pictures do I have of myself on this blog?? Apparently I should add narcissism to my list of afflictions - geeeezzzzuuussss!

Okay, ANYWAYS, back to me - LOOK AT ME! What you see folks is the the ugly face of addiction! Besides having an addictive personality (Actually, 2 random people have described me recently as “infectious” {in keeping with my narcissistic ways} which I obviously took as a compliment) I am also, quite possibly, addicted to every other possible thing you can be addicted to. To some who read this, that will come across as a rather extreme statement, lest you keep reading and discover I’m also addicted to exaggerating. How can I live larger than life unless I lie, right?

Honestly I believe the government is conspiring against me! There are some things in this life I just cannot live with out.
1) Chapstick
2) Lotion
3) Q-Tips

As I vegetarian, I find beef jerky to be exceptionally unattractive. One hour without one of the above listed products and I shrivel up and age at least 50 years. Okay, that was an exaggeration, my apologies - 30 years... I would age AT LEAST 30 years. Still you skoff? From my stationary chair, I offer you this picture of the lotion/chapsticks I have within an arms reach. And since my roommate Melissa lovingly refers to me as T-rex, that’s like 2 feet max - SERIOUSLY... I’m just sayin’...

Since I’m trying not to be a sensationalist, that HONESTLY was what I found in my desk here at work!

Here’s a new one that’s just starting to rear it’s shiny head - GLITTER. I am totally addicted to glitter. I love looking at sparkly stuff, so much so that now I apply shimmery eye shadow, glitter eye liner, and a glitter liquid liner to my eyes. I have the prettiest eyes if I do say so to my vainglorious self. Truth be told, as the day wears on, the glitter works its way onto my eye lashes and into my eyes and down my face so that by 5 pm all I see is sparkles and shimmers and shooting stars. I live in a prism of glitter reverb that would rival the best LCD trip you’ve ever had. A day seeing through my eyes is probably like being trapped inside a Pink Floyd video. Except, I just googled Pink Floyd videos on youtube - being as I was born in 1978 - and NOW THEY TELL ME they didn’t even have music videos back then - what the fuck!? The few I did watch were of like his concerts and they seemed pretty trippy and you know what? Whatever! Just hum to yourself “Hello Hellooo, is there anybody. out. there. ??” You get the point. It’s a lot of fucking glitter okay - that’s the point!

Hell, I’ve got so much stuff going on that I shouldn’t even be driving. I ran into an old friend at Target 2 weeks ago and she made reference to me resembling a raccoon. I didn’t really understand that analogy since I thought moths were attracted to shiny stuff and raccoons were more garbage bandits of the rodent variety, but then again, you can’t be a true junkie unless you’ve got yourself all hopped up and dug through the trash for dinner right? Soooo maybe she’s right? Actually, the more I think about it, strippers and raccoons have a lot in common. Of course, I haven’t perfected the titty glitter thing just yet - I’ve mostly wanted to be feminist **HEY BUDDY, eyes up here okay?!** but I’m only a year into this and as my tolerance grows I’ll be hittin’ the harder stuff soon enough. GIVE IT TIME PEOPLE!

I think I’m also addicted to smell though. NO, I don’t want to smell you - I’m full of self-love remember? Unfortunately, after about 15 different products (Body wash, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, lotion, perfume, perfumed lotion, hair smoother, hair spray, and more!) I fear I smell like a $3 french whore up in this bitch! Actually, I think the original saying was a $2 french whore, but with the economy right now and the fact that all those products are expensive, I’ve taken the liberty of raising the price a dollar! OH OH, you know what?!?!?! I even have scented body glitter! Can you say OMG!?

By the way, what the hell is a velvet tuberose and why do I always pronounce it turbose? (That's the bath & body lotion scent I prefer) Like I think I want to smell like a large but very fast woman? Like you know, turbo, but the OSE part denotes largeness... Everyone knows this, must I explain every. thing. to. you? Sigh.

Alright people, my 3 o'clock break is over and we're a little less than an hour away from 5 pm's impending disco fever revival, so I gotta go!

As a side not, if this means anything to you - you will know how funny it is.
People that eat chicken feet can’t get diabetes. Say goodbye.

Two fisting it!

No I didn't buy these, someone bought them for me!


No I didn't eat them both on the same day - I saved one for the next day!


Everyone has a vice right? Mine just happens to be Mtn Dew & tasty Chocolate Glazed sponge cake w/ creamy filling! MMMMM