The Golden Boy

What's it like? What's it like to be spoiled rotten? Some people may think my life was something to be fancied. Yeah, we lived in a nice house. So what, I had a pony. Maybe we had the RV's and the houseboat and the speed boat and the jet skis. Possibly you heard we traveled around the country for weeks at a time. Okay, I admit, we lived WELL.

But no.

My bitterness and jealousy can be checked by NO ONE.

I don't even think I can name the WORK I did. Everything from pouring cement to digging ditches. Juicing 75 lb bags of carrots for an ailing mother dying of a brain tumor (she lived) to caring for a baby that wasn't mine. (15 yrs my junior brother) From delivering firewood to painting fences. Removing wallpaper to raking up the the fallen leaves of nearly TWO HUNDRED trees. There was no mercy. There was no cable. There was no prom, no music, no football games. I was denied after school participation in Forensics. (Not dead bodies, but debate! NERD STUFF!) Denied when I was IN school that is. I gave up my freshmen and senior year to home studies so I could serve the needs of my family. Oh and do not doubt for a second... through all of that, I brought home straight A's. I worked part time caring for my ailing grandparents. Did everything I could to prove myself a good and worthy person.

Then enter THE GOLDEN BOY. That sweet curly headed boy. The boy who does whatever the fuck he wants to and gets rewarded for simply existing. He's brought home bad grades. He's had some "incidents" with the law. He's fully enveloped in teenage angst and apathy. Yet, he's the GOLDEN BOY.

I want good for him. Hell, I want the BEST for him. BUT some days I think he needs to fucking earn it. Pay his dues like I PAID. I don't know why I fight for him. Mom says it's because I'm fighting for myself. She's probably right.

Drive a brand new car? Live in the city in a mansion across the street from the school and your after school robotics program? Have a cell phone? Get a brand new iPod touch? Take out of town trips with the school? Play your video games and have your friends over? I die a little inside every time I hear about it.

Do you know I got yelled out for reading too much? For always having my nose buried in a book and not watching where we were driving? I begged to go to school on time even when it was foggy day schedule! I ditched class to go to OTHER classes!

REALLY? Yeah, really.

Carry on with your bad self, but steer clear of me. My vitriol and jealousy knows no bounds.

The struggle

I hate the gym. People say "have fun at the gym" to me when I leave work. WHO HAS FUN AT THE GYM? I'm only doing half an hour a day (5 days a week) right now of cardio. That's anything from eliptical to running as much as 4 miles. If I don't meet my fitness goals, I have in my head I need to increase my time to one hour a day. OMG. That's stupid. It's no wonder people just DON'T do that business.

It's like all those hours I waste trying on clothes and crying alone in the dressing rooms wondering why god cursed me with such a deformed body so that I realize why other people just dress really shitty - because looking good and finding clothes that fit your body is painful and awful.

I hope all this work pays off. I seems like I'm just sitting in my house, but in reality I'm at my limit. I'm working. I'm experiencing THE STRUGGLE.

Last week I learned that everyone at my work is watching my cooking show. I can only imagine they've now found this blog too. Am I that interesting? I really just want to disappear. I don't want to, but I want to. I'm such a contradiction. I hate people judging me, yet I put all my thoughts out on the internet. I want to just fade away, yet I want everyone to know and like me and to leave a legacy of SOMETHING.

MEH

Carry on.

I'm tired...

I love blogging. I love telling everyone my most personal thoughts and feelings and really putting myself out there for whatever.

Then I get struck right in the eyes with an overwhelming desire to go hide! Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. Really feeling the urge to regroup - again.

Sometimes I think people care a lot more about mundane things than they really do. Like, while I waffle between working out and/or never eating again and maybe sleeping for the next 5 years until circumstances change, do you know what I have to deal with?

Yup, a roommate that occasionally grieves me with her decisions. Like it's bad enough that we have 2 irons and 2 ironing boards (can't we just fucking share?) but she keeps her iron on the kitchen counter and irons her clothes there on the wood countertop. I don't know if I want to live anymore. This is unfathomable suffering for me.

So, on that note, I'll take my leave again. Be good, I'll be back :)

The Lone Sock

I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind.

Look at this picture!

LOOK AT IT!!
If this were your sock, exactly how many days would you walk over it...? around it...? by it...?

We're on day 6 ladies and gentlemen.

SIX DAYS!

That's approximately 15 times each person in this household would have crossed paths with the lonely Hanes.

Just so you know, you can bet the coming tribulation on the fact that this is not my sock. Ever met a person on the edge? That's me - I'm at my limit. It's all these little things. It's not the working 12 hours a day. It's not the family issues and money woe. It's the lunacy that is knowing people can exist in a world where they can just check out and walk over this stupid sock! Personally, I feel this is very unfair to me. What are my options here?

(1) I pick up the sock, walk around and ask everyone, "Is this your sock?" and handle it for them
(2) I don't pick up the sock and step over it like the rest of them while very unceremoniously liquifying my internal organs
(3) Set fire to the house and just make it all just "go away"

So far, I've opted for Option 2. I'll keep you posted.

Making cleaning fun...

Yeah, I'm a bitch... a big ole one too! I should be writing about how awesome my roommates are (Which I usually do BTW) but I'm also terribly terribly flawed.

I'm pretty sure they are playing a game with me. They have to be. I think the game is to see how quickly they can get the girl with MILD OCD symptoms to go completely lunatic raving mad insane.

Like how is it possible to open a closet door in the hallway and NOT SHUT IT completely? How do you leave it cracked? EVERY TIME YOU OPEN IT? HOW? Please teach me... because (and this may be a rather bold statement) I'm pretty sure that if my house was on fire and my most prized possessions were in that closet and all I had to do was grab them and run to safety - EVEN THEN I would still close the door completely.

I'm a STRONG believer in the philosophy "A place for everything and everything in it's place." I don't know if that's a philosophy actually. A statement? A quote? Let's make it a lifestyle. It's my lifestyle! I have little trays and a certain order I put things in. My kitchen drawers are very "consistent"... That's the word I'm going to use to downplay OCD, ok? Sort of like the hoarder who says they have a "cluttering" problem.

Anyways, I have a little caddy I use to hold my earth friendly cleaning supplies. They are for everyone to use as I "encourage" cleaning, ya know? This is how I found my caddy after someone so generously cleaned the kitchen while I was at work.

Let me just assure you, it does NOT look like that!

Look closer... This is me being clinically diagnosed INSANE!

INSANE!!!!


Someone tell me what is going on here. How come the bottles aren't upright? I.don't.understand.
DOES
NOT
COMPUTE

Was this a new way to make cleaning fun? Do we stand across the room and throw the cleaning bottles at the caddy and see if you can make a goal or what? It's like a physical impossibility for me to do anything like this.

And what am I supposed to do? HA! I just straightened it and said thanks for cleaning the kitchen, but oh my god, I wonder if they'll ever know how crazy I am. You don't think I'm crazy, DO YOU?

Thank you universe, for being so damn consistent

Wow, oh how we are destined to repeat ourselves! Seems I'm a bit predictable. I was just reading the Tao and thinking, didn't I write a blog about the 29th Verse? Just searched for it - yup, sure did in AUGUST 2008! How funny that almost exactly one year later I find myself back in a similar place. Hrrrmmmmm Wierd.

I feel like I'm having a bit of a melt down. Maybe that's too personal, I don't know and I don't care. Just trying to learn and to grow.

2 things I've picked up about myself.

1) When in times of distress, I tend to turn on my heel and do the opposite... some really extreme stuff. This is the first time in my life where I've been able to calm down enough to recognize that and actually force myself to stay in the house! May seem like I'm avoiding my friends or doing something bad, but truth is, it's just what I need for me.

2) I've found that my most successful steps towards true personal growth have only been taken during times of solitude. I need that. It's hard on me, but I need it.

So thank you all for hanging in there with me while I sort out these things and allow them to happen at their own pace.

Here's the 29th verse should you feel the need to zen out or at least see where I'm trying to be right now.

Allow your life to unfold naturally.
Know that it too is a vessel of perfection.
Just as you breathe in and breathe out,
there is a time for being ahead
and a time for being behind;
a time for being in motion
and time for being at rest;
a time for being vigorous
and a time for being exhausted;
a time for being safe
and a time for being in danger.

To the sage all of life is a movement toward perfection,
so what need has he
for the excessive, the extravagant, or the extreme?

Tips to help civilize the general public...

Yeah, some of you are in dire straights. I mean, I think you all know I could wax poetic bitch and moan for hours on end about how you all are fucking up the minute details of my serenity.

Let me just give you the smallest of pointers. Your roommates/parents/spouse/house cleaner can thank me later.

Kitchen Sink Rules
1) PLEASE, do NOT fill both basins with your garbage. For the love of god, leave the garbage disposal side empty so the one's of us who want to use the sink still have a free and clear side to work with.

2) PLEASE, rinse out or rinse off your plate/bowl before you walk away. I could go on an on about how ridiculous it is that you feel entitled to just leave your stuff for someone else to clean up in the first place, but should you feel completely comfortable burdening the others in your work place or household with your laziness and refuse - AT LEAST have the decency to rinse. Dropping your napkin in your half eaten bowl of minestrone and splashing some water on it for good measure is about the most disrespectful offensive load of bullshit I've ever seen. YOU DIDN'T WANT TO WASH IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, but now I have to put my hands in your last digestive "experience" to clean up your mess.

UNACCEPTABLE

If bibles were beers and life were one giant party...

Boy oh boy would we have some awkward stories to tell LOL. Actually, this is quite possibly the most perfect illustration of what I feel my current experience is. Some would say it's sacrilege to speak of such things on Easter Sunday. I say it's more like the universes cruel joke on me, but whatever.

I enjoy a good adult beverage now and then, okay probably more now than then, but anyways. I'd say my experience has been that I can have a good time almost anywhere and don't need a drink to tell stupid jokes, laugh really hard, or do whatever else people do while drinking. For whatever reason though, every once in a while I don't feel like drinking. Still having that invite to a party or a gathering or even a bar, I'll go - happy to be out and to see my friends - ready for good jokes and catching up and lots of laughs and even a little gossip, I often find my conversation goes a little like this:

Do you want a drink? Where's your drink? Hey, what are you drinking? Marisa, can I get you a drink? Somebody get this girl a drink!! OH LOOK EVERYONE, Marisa isn't drinking... Are you not drinking for a reason? It's just one drink, shoot you can have just one!! I'll be right back, let me get you a drink! Marisa, where's your drink?

That's about the time I step aside and go get a glass of cranberry juice or Red Bull.

What is it about me not having a goddamn drink that makes everyone so uncomfortable? Why does me holding this fake drink suddenly make it ok? Now let's get this party started! Then we talk and we share and we laugh and the night moves right along and everyone is happy - even me!

SO, if bibles were beers and life were one giant party, I would be the one making you want to crawl out of your skin. Why is my participation so necessary for your experience to be pleasurable? It's not like you can't still talk about it, share with me stuff, and tell me what makes you happy or inspired.

For the majority though, it seems spirituality is no longer a personal journey. We must beat down every door and pound the pavement and rove the bus stations and laundromats and leave no one behind! Okay, I'm in, sign me up... Wait, what?! There's MORE invasive questions? Now it's not even good enough to do that. Suddenly you feel entitled to know all my inner workings... the why. It's not that you want to know why, but so that you can change it once you do find out. It's not even okay for us to do the exact same thing, I also have to do it for the exact same reasons as you?

I'm fighting a losing battle here.

Can't everyone just be okay doing what they do? I don't eat meat, but I don't need you to stop for me to be happy. I honestly am so happy with my iPhone and think the world would be a better place if you all had one, but in reality you don't. Okay... AND? Does that make me enjoy mine less? No! Does that make me uncomfortable? No!

I just want to be left alone. I want time for these wounds to heal. I don't want to play this game anymore. I just want to be real and be accepted for who I am, yet no matter what I do, I can't please everyone. I think everyone should quit putting the weight of their happiness and fulfillment in my hands then because I am going to disappoint you. Sigh.

It's not...

_______________________

You fill in the blank.

I often ask myself what it "is" and I'm unable to answer. I don't know what it is. In fact, I don't much of anything at all. Here's what I do know.

It's not... easy.
It's not... easy to be me.
It's not... simple.
It's not... endearing.
It's not... pleasant.
It's not... admirable.
It's not... ever going to change.
It's not... even close to being over.

What is "it" ???

_______________________

Again, You fill in the blank. It's late and I'm tired and I've had a long day. I'm unable to formulate the words it would take to truly capture it.

Can you see it?

Today I had the realization that I will never be good enough. I am wholly undeserving of the kindnesses given to me. I am beyond touched at others thoughtfulness. And no matter what I do, I don’t think I could truly convey my heartfelt appreciation for the GOOD people I have in my life.

Actually, I am undeserving because I’m not a very good daughter and I’m an even worse friend... I could spend 10 years trying to do something thoughtful and it would never be as nice as what my friends do for me. I let people call me, I don’t call them. All I do is work and I don’t bring much interesting stuff to the table. Maybe a sarcastic story or at least a distraction when I fall down, but in return I’m surrounded by the most stellar group of people I’ve ever met. My friends and family are pricelessly valuable and treasured by me.

The one person I haven’t figured out yet is my mother. I struggle EVERY day with my own contradictions, but now I can 100% tell you, those traits came from her! She’s confusing. I know she loves me, but I’m pretty much positive she hates me as equally with a white hot passion. Read back to Thanksgiving and I posted a picture of a dress I wanted, but they didn’t have my size. I showed up at her house a week ago and she had ordered that dress for me! I think I actually cried when I opened the box! That was SOO thoughtful. SOO nice. We made a lunch date out of it and we went and had it tailored. (I pick it up tomorrow!!!) We get along great at times. Last week we went and had pizza at a fancy new place that’s all organic and environmentally friendly. She buys me little prizes and tries to cater to my every whim. She’ll cook dinner if I’ve had a long day and I call her crying. She’s offered her home to me should I lose my job and need to move back in. She compliments my outfits... and I love SOO MANY things about her. She’s well read, she knows every episode of Judy Judy and Dr Phil. She’s funny and at times thinks I’m funny. We can talk about alternative medicines and NO ONE is a better green thumb. Ask her about any plant and she knows it. She has awesome decorating skills and if you want any help planning a party, she better be the 1st one you call! I love my mother, and despite the price I have paid for the love blood “should” bring unconditionally and for free, I’m so happy to have my family back, it makes me tear up just typing this.

Over Christmas we went to Magic Mountain and their generosity was again so undeserved. They even re-upped my season pass for me. However, in an RV, I don’t know if the 2 of us do so well living in essentially a big giant hallway. Now I can see that my mom does not like ME at all. I just sat there and I saw... I saw it so clearly - I will NEVER be good enough for her. NEVER. All my desperate need for approval stems from right here. She may compliment sometimes, but inside she critiques always. I see... I see it in her eyes. I am a dirty, sloppy, messy, manipulative, disease riddled, rigid, pagan, time wasting, disappointment to her - and that’s all there is to it.

I am 30 years old. Any of you who know me will know I am a fairly clean and organized person. I have a decent amount of common sense and many varied good qualities. Come to my home. My house is clean, even my drawers are organized. I shower and shave and brush my teeth EVERY day. Change my sheets and towels every week. My receipts are filed. I am a functional adult. Yesterday I took apart, cleaned, and put back together my entire refrigerator shelving system - just because... But that’s not good enough. Under her watchful eye, I was copiously reminded of my failings. I sleep in my own filth because I choose bathe in the morning and not before bed. I left my toothbrush on the counter, didn’t rinse a spoon IMMEDIATELY, decided to not wear socks even though it was cold outside. One time I walked through with my shoes on! Also, I basically set up a mobile brothel in the motorhome because I brought along the PG-13 Casino Royale movie to watch and my brother isn’t old enough (16) to watch that type of pornography. I even talk to the dogs wrong.

Once, I almost.. ALMOST.. set my backpack on a part of the bed where it may have touched her sheets. My god woman, I am not the enemy, I AM NOT a Philistine! I take too long to get ready. (No one gave me a time I had to be ready, you know. And last time I checked it was my vacation too... But apparently I almost ruined the trip because my brother wasn’t in line when the park gates opened. He could have gone without me, but he chose to wait. Yet after LITERALLY 10 comments about it {one involving a phone call from a friend in another state!} I was like - tell me how you really feel mom! She doesn’t even ride roller coasters, so I don’t even KNOW what that was about. When I got totally bent about it, then she tries to tell me to lighten up and that she was just kidding... UH NO... you don’t say something 100 times in a row and then get to claim it was a joke... NO. OK, moving on)

I cannot stand being controlled and micromanaged. It grates on me so badly and all my good qualities go flying out the window and I do become a bad person. I look back and I see the error of my ways... I lock up. I snip back. I roll my eyes. I judge. I get mean and dismissive. I see a side of me I don’t like come out.

Really, you see, all of this is about fear and hurt. I try to remind myself that she must be scared inside and that’s where her need to control comes from. That she put herself aside for so many years, now she’s just trying to reclaim some semblance of order for her. And she must have to be extra strong to do it with my dad and brother. They are both fast talking and strong willed, and I’m sure not the neatest or most tidy. In fact, they do need A LOT of direction when it comes to daily life... HOWEVER, that’s not me.

The worst part is... she doesn’t see. She doesn’t see the love and acceptance I have for her. That no matter what she says, NO MATTER WHAT she does, I still love her the same. I still come around to see her. I still want and need her in my life. Even though I know she can’t do that for me in return, I love her. I see the big picture, but I don’t know if she can see it. I see her efforts, her heart, her kindness, but does she see?

If she knows nothing else, hopefully she knows that I love her. I love her even though I disappoint her. I love her even though I hurt her. I love her even though I’m different than her. I love her even though I’m not good enough for her. I love her and NOTHING.. no statement, no injustice, no act of god, no religion, no divorce, no swear word, no amount of time, no announcement, NO NOTHING will change that.

I read this book “The Cult of Perfection” and it said some interesting things. It talked about friends and how “people like me” hold ourselves to this unattainable standard of perfection. We’re ALWAYS trying to be enough... yet, we wouldn’t dare hold anyone else to that same standard. And it SO true. I LOVE the uniqueness of my friends. I love them even more FOR their tragic flaws. Change them? NO WAY... That’s how I know they are true. When you can look at someone and know what their issues are and love them just the same, that’s how you know it’s real. Only thing that I ask is that you do the same for me. Show me that one kindness. That it’s ok to not be perfect and that you still accept me. That’s it’s okay to not be exactly the same. To understand, TO SEE, that everyone does things their own way, for their own reasons... and that’s o.k.

Always with the yen/yang. Always with the questions. Always with the contradiction. See...?

Know your role...

Heard some EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE interesting things the other day about “Knowing My Role”... I think it just takes some major nerve to SAY that. I’m very well aware that this whole society works on knowing your role. Every job has a boss. Every societal group has a leader. Every family has a head. Every clique has a pecking order. There has to be a defined order to everything, an understanding. But there is a really angry feminist inside of me that psycho BRISTLES at the thought of being told how to be, what to be, what I can and can’t do. There was even one point where he said “WIthout a doubt there are women out there who could probably do a better job, be more efficient, organized, and capable than a man, BUT THAT’S NOT YOUR ROLE...”

Oh no you didn’t just say that!

Actually, I was unable to control my face, but it was probably due to the massive whole body seizure I was having after hearing those words. Yep yep, I’m virtual blogging this from the grave. Ha! For all the things that I have done wrong (and there’s some doozies, let me tell ya) know what my most egregious sin is? “I have headship issues” As I so eloquently explained to a friend of mine, how is it that I could probably suck every dick in America, but it’s worse for me to not listen when a man tells me to do something? LOL I was informed sucking every dick in America is probably a bad thing no matter who you are and a very bold statement. Ha Ha - I know, but I was just rambling. Sometimes I exaggerate to get my point across, ok?

Seriously though, I just want to be reasonable... Actually admitting that a women could do a better job at something but won’t get the opportunity because she lacks the necessary (Between the legs) accoutrements is so mind boggling. Sexism is offensive people. It’s just as bad as racism or homophobia. IE: NOT GOOD.

I’m such a contradiction though. I’m really not a feminist. I love to cook. I love cleaning. I love being a woman. I want to be held. Talked to in a (not condescending or patronizing) soft voice. I want to be taken care of. Treated tenderly. My dream is to find a man who will TAKE all this man responsibility from me so that I CAN truly fulfill my womanly roll. But it doesn’t work for me if I don’t trust you. If I don’t respect you. I have these trust issues, which manifest into control issues... and I pretty much need to know someone is more capable and more strong willed than I am. (Please note, breaking me emotionally until I just give up is not what I’m talking about here - that can be done too, but really not what I’m going for!) To really pry it away from me so that I CAN just melt down, open up, and be this ethereal female creature I want to be. Well, I’m not holding my breath about it. HA!

I’m complicated. I don’t make any sense. I know this now. It’s hard for people to figure me out and my actions give people varying ideas of who I am and what I’m about. Some have said they see my hesitation and they wonder what I’m on the fence about. Hell, even I don’t know sometimes. I live my life on the fence. I’m just always waiting for something to “feel right” and then I fall to one side or the other. I follow my soul.

Read a wonderful quote from the Tao that says “The master observes the world, but trusts his own inner vision”... I’m no master, but I see a lot going on around me - a lot which I can get into my head about and debate which way I should go, but ultimately I have to just look inside and say “does it feel right?” and that’s usually what I do - unless of course alcohol is involved. But we’re just gonna stop there. ahahhaaha

Have a good one everybody.

Well...

The summertime is pretty much over. It’s rainy and overcast today, but with Santa Cruz in my blood, I LOVE IT!

Surprisingly I still have a job and a warm cozy bed with a roof over my head so I can’t complain right? I think I may even have a couple friends LOL

I’ve taken on more work than I ever thought possible, I mean seriously, my job duties typed as 1 liners takes up 2 pages now. And now I know there is a deep sickness inside me because... between you and me... secretly, I like it. I like that they need me. I like the challenge. I like fighting for something I believe in. I want to be thought of as doing something that no one else could do - EVERYTHING! In all honesty, that is unhealthy. But who are you to judge? I have to kids, no significant other, and the only thing waiting for me at home is a TiVo’d episode of Judge Judy, so what do you care that I’ve made this my life, my family, my home? It sucks to take it so personally when business isn’t good, but that’s like extra motivation for me to dig in deeper. I don’t know if I could live with myself if I didn’t give it everything I got. I think I’d look back and say - if I only I had worked harder, got up earlier, read more, was more creative.

The unfortunate part is that no reasonable person can do this much. I can’t please anyone either. Either people hate me because I do the impossible (jealousy is such a bitch) or I’m juggling so much that I don’t get anything done and then they say I’m dumb for trying. UGH. I hate that. I don’t know. I’ve always put my entire life on the line in the chance that someone would say “Good Job Marisa”. It’s never about money. It’s not even about being the center of attention. I know the ulcers I grow inside so it’s not about admiration. I guess it’s about value. I just want people to say “Good Job”. I want that nod of approval. The WOW... the THANK YOU. I wonder if people see that? I don’t know. I think some people think I’m snobby and condescending. No one like miss perfect Holly Homemaker who worked all day and still shows up to the party with a 10 course meal and all they brought was some KFC. But it’s such a double edged sword. I want that approval and surely me showing up with something half ass isn’t good enough, so I go overboard trying to say “Hey Hey, I tried REALLY REALLY HARD, will you like me now? Think I’m good enough now?” but then the opposite happens... and they dislike me because I tried too hard. I don’t know. It’s so lame.

I just signed on to throw our annual company party. In years past when money flowed like water we would spend tens of thousands of dollars on fancy soiree (I have to admit I took 10 minutes to google how to spell that word.. apparently NO ONE knows) at a country club. Well last year I was given the task of throwing that same party for 75 people for $3,000 not at the country club. Yup, I did it with 1 other girl and it was like Jesus walking on fucking water. Of course, they complained that there wasn’t enough meat (god forbid the vegetarian made some NON meat delicacies) and that the drive was too far and that it was only appetizers. (Yeah, chicken skewers and bruschetta and mini roasted red potatoes with artichoke and cheese and crackers and stuffed mushrooms and fruit and veggies and brie w/ apricot jam in a puff pastry and a chocolate fountain and beer and homemade sangria is a real bummer... INGRATES!) Decorations... Music... I even had a photo station last year. I went to Joannes and draped fabric and ornaments and and set up my camera on a tri-pod, it was SO cute. I also made gift baskets for each of our departments employees of the year (Personalized to their likes, of course)

Well, this year I’ve been give the same task, less my other friend/helper, here at the dealership with a full meal for $1,000. Think I can do it? Cook it all by myself for 100 people? Yeah, besides doing what I have calculated to be 3 FULL TIME jobs (5 titles though, but not all are FULL TIME) I just took on a catering position. HA! Seriously, I need help. I’m sick.

AND GETTING EXCITED! WOO HOO! PARTY!! COOKING!! DECORATING!! SHOPPING!! I’m in crazy lady heaven ☺

The 29th Verse

Tell me this isn’t just what I needed to read today. For those of you who don’t know, I’ve been on quite the spiritual journey lately. I don’t know. Maybe a journey for inner peace is a better way to word it. So I decided to read the “Tao Te Ching” because I do gravitate a bit towards eastern philosophies. The Tao has 81 simple verses of ancient and divine wisdom. Some are random and then some strike you right between the eyes. That’s what verse 29 did to me.

29th Verse

Do you think you can take over the universe and improve it?
I do not believe it can be done.

Everything under heaven is a sacred vessel and cannot be controlled.
Trying to control leads to ruin.
Trying to grasp, we lose.

Allow your life to unfold naturally.
Know that it too is a vessel of perfection.
Just as you breathe in and breathe out,
there is a time for being ahead
and a time for being behind;
a time for being in motion
and time for being at rest;
a time for being vigorous
and a time for being exhausted;
a time for being safe
and a time for being in danger.

To the sage all of life is a movement toward perfection,
so what need has he
for the excessive, the extravagant, or the extreme?


Tell me that isn’t the heaviest shit you’ve read in a while!!! I take that back, think about ME and then tell me that isn’t dead on everything I’m about. I am ALWAYS trying to take over the universe. To wrestle everything into my little hands. I want to control everything and everyone that comes into my personal space. I’m always desperately grasping at everything. I take no time to rest, I deny my exhaustion, and leave NOTHING to circumstance (or to unfold naturally) I’m 20 miles a minute and 20 years ahead trying to manipulate and plan the entire world. I think many people would say I am MUCH (Excessive) and that I swing from one side to the other like a pendulum (Extreme)

MY GOD - how did Lao-Tzu know me all those ages ago?

It doesn’t really give me an answer to any of this, but I think our true power lies in “awareness”. If there is even ONE MOMENT where I am aware that I am acting like the above and I can stop myself and spare myself the ulcer I must be growing inside from fighting such a monumental and apparently losing battle - then that is powerful.

What do you think? Does anyone even read these?

Mind Fuck

Seriously, no one can truly fuck you up like your mother. I know it has different effects on boys and girls, but WHEW... my mom... I can't even put her into words.

I think the SICKEST part of all of it, is that I'm just like her. Stubborn, strong willed, independent, headstrong... (When I have to be that is... I'm not sure how I come accross to others since I'm desperate to please and fear I come accross as rather submissive... But I guess that's just because it's what I want to do...) However, we always seem to be that way AGAINST each other. And you know what that means? That means "I Lose" because she's the mom, she's older, she's just that much more evil.

Sadly she doesn't see how she has created this competition between the two of us. She's always saying how proud she is of me, how far I've made it in life at this age compared to her, how she loves me, fights for me, needs me, but then she's quick to remind me she's still better. When I bought my cute little sports car, she was the first to remind me that she had a Mercedes 600 series AMG. When i built my new home, she was quick to inform me that her house cost close to a million dollars. When i got my 1st coach purse, she went and bought a bigger one. When I told her I've been sticking to my diet and I've lost 10 lbs so far, she has apparently lost 20. When I mention how hard my divorce and excommunication from church is on me, I get a 2 hour speech on how much more aweful her marriage to my father was or how unfair her own reinstatement was. When I say I feel pretty, she reminds me that she was professional model when she was my age. When I say how well I'm doing at my job or that I got a raise or that I've just crossed the 10 year mark, she's the 1st to say how fortunate she was to find a man who takes such good care of her and that she doesn't have to work.

I can't win. I'm never enough. My whole life I've been fighting, fighting SO hard to prove to ANYONE that I am something good. But it's never ENOUGH. I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, fun enough, established enough, successful enough, tough enough, good enough, gracious enough... ANYTHING ENOUGH!

It's maddening.

And I'm not sitting here saying that I really feel that way. Of course, the rational side of me says there is always someone out there who is going to be better than you. I can't be perfect. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm tired. Keeping any sort of self esteem and blocking all those thoughts out of my mind is EXHAUSTING. Especially when she calls me OFTEN and this just keeps happening. Have you figured out yet that I just got one of those calls this morning?

And when I told her how I felt, her words were "Well, you are dead wrong." And when I got upset and screamed and cursed at her, she said that I was sick and twisted and that she would just never call me again because she couldn't take the emotional beatings that I KEEP giving her. When I asked her not to martyr herself of the phone, she cried hysterically and said she's just fighting for me and missed me and needed me, but that I was heartless and made her feel like she could never do anything right or be good enough for me.

... silence ...

Maybe I really am sick and twisted. Maybe I am the martyr. Maybe anything... I have nothing to ground myself. No guage to let me know whether I'm swimming up or down. But I have to be tough for my brother. I have to be tough for myself. I have to be tough for her. And I just have to block all that out and stand on my own 2 feet. Make up my mind that I'm fine and just work on being good and loving and kind and honest so that no one else will ever say I've created these feelings in them. I may be the only one I know with THIS exact situation, but I am certainly not alone in dealing with trialsome family issues. It's good to know I'm not alone.

Thanks for reading this. If you think I'm really fucked up, please tell me and straighten me out. I fear I need a reality check. LOL.

What have I become?

So, I'm pretty much completely amused by myself this week. 2004 was quite the year of revelations and of coming into my own (finding myself, etc) I think if i was in high school and I could look into the future and seen me I would've just killed myself right then and there to prevent such a tragedy. EXCEPT, I'm actually pretty happy with myself now.

I suppose I should tell some BRIEF history (you'll have to email me for details of the bigger picture if you care) But I've always felt like I had to prove something. That crying was weak. Femininity was weak (especially in the business world) And if you knew the details of my failed marriage, that I also had to be the man in my relationship. So there was no balance and I found myself in Khaki pants and flats, baggy clothes, and all black (NEVER EVER to wear pink or lace or flowers etc)

So yesterday, I'm in Wal-mart and I just CRACKED MYSELF UP. I'm standing there in a pink lowcut top, tight black jeans, pink heels, the cutest pink fuzzy ring, I've got my yorkie under my arm in his pink purse and I'm buying candles and pink nail polish!!! OH MY GOD - what have I become???!!!

Apparently, I'm a bit OVERLY excited w/ my newfound girly outlook (i'm assuming it will mellow over time) I HOPE IT MELLOWS OVER TIME...

Anyways, along w/ my New found GIRL, I just finished watching the Eagles game, which I can admit I woke up early for and actually LIKED IT! Apparently I'm just all over the map. So now the whole world knows! I WEAR PINK AND I WATCH FOOTBALL.

WHEW - I SAID IT!

I'm pretty happy. But what do you say?