My Nemesis has Returned!!!!!

That fucking bear is back... That dirty bear... He haunts my dreams... Hell, he stalks my fucking house!

Has anyone else received mail directly from Charmin? Of all the people in the world, it comes to me? ME?!

Read HERE, HERE, and HERE for my feelings on toilet paper advertising.

You all say I should quit talking about it, but what do I have to do? Take out a restraining order on this foul feces covered bear and his poorly hygiened family to make the assaults in my home stop? Look what just came in the mail!!

What the hell does that even mean? For a clean you will notice? What sort of "UNcleanness" is the general public experiencing right now where this marketing slogan is getting results?

I know I keep writing about it, but in all reality, I'm dumbfounded. I'm speechless. I'm in awe! Also, I'm pretty fucking offended too.

Can someone make it stop!?

Louie Louie Louis CK

I seem to have a thing for severely inappropriate comedians. Like when you have to listen to them alone because you're not sure any of your friends could handle it. Or like when you're pretty sure he has serial killer potential.

The two shows I'm obsessed with right now are Louis CK (Louie on FX) and Daniel Tosh (Tosh.0 on Comedy Central).
I love both their comedy and their TV shows. You should check them out! Just don't judge me or think of me when you watch/listen to them though!

You want some of deez nutz...?

What's the lyrics to that Ice Cube song?
-----------
You must notta dun good on Fear Factor
Cuz you couldn't eat deez nutz
Big as a tractor...
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I know, I know, I'm a closet hard core 90's gangster. LOL Whatever.  Part of my personal betterment always involves diet. I'm trying to drink water UGH UGH and also eat better. I really just believe in balance. I try to cook pure and fresh most of the time and substitute my massive chip/carb cravings with a more natural substitute.

Normally, I would say I count calories (cuz I kinda do) and nuts are high in calories, but I give myself a pass because I've now switched to raw and unsalted nuts. Boring? YES! Tasty? NO! BUT, I can experience the pleasure and process of eating MORE.  I feel like if something is 100% natural and pure you can eat as much of it as you like and it doesn't count. Like broccoli or avocado. MMM

What's up with the Brazil nut though? That sucker IS as big as a tractor! Those are my favorites. The filberts, on the other hand, can suck it! I throw them STRAIGHT in the trash *shivers* pew pew no no.

Oh, and I made the most delicious Chick'n Caccitore Stew on Monday. So simple, and fresh, and YUMMY! I'll try to get the recipe up on One Heavenly Kitchen soon. I've been terrible about finishing my videos. I'll get back into it soon, I promise.

Anyways, that's what I've been up to!

Gotta Go -Gotta Go -Gotta Go -GOTTA GO!

So drinking water sucks. Like major. Who's with me? This is flippin' ridiculous!

OMG, your body is 75% water.
HEY, your brain can like die.
WHOA, you've never been hungry, it's a false reaction from your dehydrated body trying to tell you you're thirsty.
UMMM, the only thing more important than water is air.

GAG GAG GAG

You know what's more important? Me not being in the bathroom 75% of the day! That's what.

Do you realize that by the time I get to work at 8 (okay okay, 8:20) I'm already DYING to pee for the third, YES THIRD, time of the day. Is this not upsetting to you?

So you're supposed to drink all this water, but isn't frequent urination a problem? I see commercials for "overactive" bladders and you need a pill for that. Also, I thought if you peed too many times a day it was a warning sign for diabetes.

OH. MY. GOD. How will I ever know if I have diabetes now !?!?!?!?

You know that feeling where you don't have to go to pee?.... YOU DO??.... Because I haven't felt that in days. DAYS!  I may have talked about my hatred for water HERE too.

I read on this one site you should have 12 quarts of water a day, double that if you're exercising!!! After using my google conversion chart awesome math skillz, I realized that's anywhere from 3 - 6 GALLONS of water a day. I had to call and yell at my mother for that one. Sorry mom. Of course, she says her rule of thumb was to divide your weight in half and that's how many ounces of water you should drink a day. The women in our family must all be overachievers because both of us are drinking around 90 oz a day! DAMN that's A LOT of water!

Then I read somewhere that says if you don't pee every 3 - 4 hours it's a sign of a problem. Will the medical community please tell me they think it's a problem if you have to go every 3 - 4 MINUTES? Can I get some pills here STAT!?!?

Yeah, not cool dude.

On a scale of 1 to 10...

How gross would you say crotch sweat is?

I'm gonna say it's about an 8 - UGH!

Can you tell me why it is that I have a trainer who works my calves and my quads and my arms and my abs, but the only thing that sweats is my crotch?

Nothing more awesome than a cute 21 year old musclebound trainer seeing that. Yeah, wow, sorry Erik, how come I have to show you my absolute worst in order to eventually look my best?

Here I am, twice a week, letting you see me at my worst - complaining, in pain, sweaty, and smelly.

Yeah, WAAAAAY T. M. I.   I know, I know.

Sorry.

Is NOTHING sacred?

This post requires back story - SORRY - put your reading glasses on, it's about to get intense. I have issues. You knew that already didn't you? :( Well, fooey on you!

Anyways, I may **MAY** have a slight problem with toilet paper advertising campaigns.
Commence reading HERE and HERE.

I like getting mail. Even if it's bills, I get really excited to seem my name on something. I'm weird I know, HOWEVER, this... This is HIGHLY inappropriate. This is OFFENSIVE.



I've never been more horrified in all my life! SERIOUSLY! Soften your "bottom" line...?  NO FUCKING WAY I just read that. NO WAY.

We will not even DISCUSS the need for "UltraStrong" toilet paper.

In fact, dear friends, I don't even think I can have this discussion anymore. It just makes me ill! Assaulting me in my home with this dirty pervert bear waggling his feces covered rear at me - I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Make it stop, will you? PLEASE!!

Welcome to Nevember!

Well, for someone who doesn't talk to her friends or leave the house anymore, I've bee REALLY busy!

I got my hair done yesterday. This is always exciting for me! I've been resisting cutting it and I think this is the longest it's been in 15 years. I keep teasing that I want stripper hair. Not that I'm really sure what stripper hair is, but I'd imagine it's quite long and luxurious and that I could swing my head and it would... okay, I don't know where I was going with that. Anyways, here's a picture.

Speaking of strippers, I darn near was one on Friday, but totally accidentally, I swear! I got a new outfit which I think is pretty cute. I'll grace you with a picture, but ONLY THIS ONCE!

Not too bad, right? I believe my thoughts were more along the lines of "The silhouette of my outfit is bangin' if I do say so myself, but the practical application of moving/wearing said outfit? NOT SO MUCH..."

Let me just tell you, wearing pointed toed 4" high heeled boots is DANGEROUS! We won't get into how expensive it is to find a decent fitting pair of jeans that are long enough to wear over high heels if you're taller than 5'... SO MOVING ON. But this shirt... such a cute shirt. That sucker busts wide open every time I move! I could barely make it through the work day. I had to safety pin it at every button or this stripper dream I have was gonna become a reality. Oh My God!

Anyways, I thought I had a lot of different things to ramble about, but I don't think they're of any consequence. Unless you decide you really want to know my thoughts on cobblers (shoe repair men) or how I can sleep for 12 hours and still be tired when I wake up, then let me know...

Have a good week :)

Making cleaning fun...

Yeah, I'm a bitch... a big ole one too! I should be writing about how awesome my roommates are (Which I usually do BTW) but I'm also terribly terribly flawed.

I'm pretty sure they are playing a game with me. They have to be. I think the game is to see how quickly they can get the girl with MILD OCD symptoms to go completely lunatic raving mad insane.

Like how is it possible to open a closet door in the hallway and NOT SHUT IT completely? How do you leave it cracked? EVERY TIME YOU OPEN IT? HOW? Please teach me... because (and this may be a rather bold statement) I'm pretty sure that if my house was on fire and my most prized possessions were in that closet and all I had to do was grab them and run to safety - EVEN THEN I would still close the door completely.

I'm a STRONG believer in the philosophy "A place for everything and everything in it's place." I don't know if that's a philosophy actually. A statement? A quote? Let's make it a lifestyle. It's my lifestyle! I have little trays and a certain order I put things in. My kitchen drawers are very "consistent"... That's the word I'm going to use to downplay OCD, ok? Sort of like the hoarder who says they have a "cluttering" problem.

Anyways, I have a little caddy I use to hold my earth friendly cleaning supplies. They are for everyone to use as I "encourage" cleaning, ya know? This is how I found my caddy after someone so generously cleaned the kitchen while I was at work.

Let me just assure you, it does NOT look like that!

Look closer... This is me being clinically diagnosed INSANE!

INSANE!!!!


Someone tell me what is going on here. How come the bottles aren't upright? I.don't.understand.
DOES
NOT
COMPUTE

Was this a new way to make cleaning fun? Do we stand across the room and throw the cleaning bottles at the caddy and see if you can make a goal or what? It's like a physical impossibility for me to do anything like this.

And what am I supposed to do? HA! I just straightened it and said thanks for cleaning the kitchen, but oh my god, I wonder if they'll ever know how crazy I am. You don't think I'm crazy, DO YOU?

Silent observations of a perfectly sane person...

Here's a light and fluffy post with pictures because it's late and I want to go to bed...

Does anyone else find this 5' tall advertisement amusing? Not even just a little bit raunchy? Am I really that far in the gutter? (Side note, isn't "Grande Taquito" an oxy-moron? I don't see any advertisements for 'Big Small **whatever**' but hey, I don't get out much! Spanish is a funny language.)


Be honest with me my new virtual friends. Do these "Gummy Tummies" appeal to you?
(1) I find the penguin to be a quite adorable creature personally. Therefore the thought of eating it isn't first on my mind. (Also there's that lame vegetarian thing)
(2) If times get any tougher (It's a recession you know) and some rare minature migrating penguins overtake Woodward, and I am forced to eat the afore mentioned rare miniature migrating penquins, the part I think I would enjoy THE LEAST would be biting down on their still full bellies and having said contents explode in my mouth.
Too much? Too graphic? Yeah, it's hard to be me... That was THE FIRST thing I thought when I saw these at the checkout. The second was, "I have to write a blog about this!"


Alright... I'm tired and I'm going to bed. Catch you tomorrow.

Upcoming posts you can look forward to:

* The panini I made for dinner last night
* My review of the Pizza Fusion event I went to today.

It's becoming clear to me that my expectations are waaay too high...

I'm going to complain, make fun, and generally be a catty bitch in this post... so move right along if you're not into that kind of thing.

Five things you need to know, do, or point and laugh at...

1) I have a problem with commercials. This is why I pay for TiVo. I compulsively fast forward, but every once in a while I'm assaulted by something truly disturbing. Has anyone seen the one where mother nature is an evil woman who shows up carrying a red box and gives women their "monthly gift" at uncool times like on a first date or as you are wearing all white and landing your private jet on a Hawaiian beach with girlfriends? Really? And I KNOW the illustration didn't just show a red box bouncing around in there trying to get out. Yeah... Seriously... Personally, I don't think a white bathing suit is a good idea ever, but really? I could talk for hours about this.

1a) It's about drinkability. REALLY? This is your beverage marketing slogan? It's DRINKABLE? I find this to be SOOO HUMOROUS that it is, in fact, bothersome. Not better tasting, not less filling, not low calorie... IT'S DRINKABLE? hahaha *puke* hahaha

1b) Okay, I have a serious commercial problem!!! The Charmin Toilet Paper Company MUST BE STOPPED. These filthy disgusting bears and their love of public defecation MUST BE STOPPED. I just saw one last night where they all drive around together in a car, stop in the woods, and take a big family dump. There are no words to describe my horror.

Moving On...

2) I was at Dollar Tree the other day. It was clearly the first time the lady in front of me had been there. She asks the cashier, "How much are the balloons you have over there?" He says, "I think they are a dollar." She counters with, "How much are the foil balloons?" He says, "Actually, those are a dollar too." Does she have a vision problem as well, or are the 75 EVERYTHING'S A DOLLAR posters really really confusing?

Then the people behind me bust in and ask the cashier, "How about these candy bars? The box says 59 cents." The cashier must get this a lot because he says, "Then they must be 59 cents." I however observed the sign says "2 for $1." It's a little scary going out in public sometimes. Very simple concepts confuse people and I'm terrified for the future now.

3) I have a tax man who lives up in Oakhurst. He is a strange man, but his dad used to do my dads taxes so it's sort of a family thing. Once a year I have the privilege of driving up north to cram myself into this strange uneven room. His table is just a GIANT tree stump and the ceiling slopes so that you sort of have to crawl into your chair. It's a crazy HEAVY old orangy chair and there are papers EVERYWHERE. He always keeps an ice chest behind him with Hansen's soda in it and when I leave, I come home with a little tidbit worth sharing.

A few years ago, he shared with me that he enjoys taking a dip in his spa in the morning before coming to work. Fairly normal and not noteworthy right? Did I forget to mention he is always joined by his pet turkey? HAHAHA Uhhh, what?? I was too shocked to really ask any questions, but isn't that called making soup? Isn't that how you cook lobster? I mean, turkeys shouldn't be in the spa, right? Tell me that's strange so I feel better about myself. (PS - he is the nicest guy and does a GREAT job, but I had to share the turkey thing.) I can't make this up people.

4) I had a Mountain Dew "Throwback" the other day. I don't think I have a clear understanding of what the term "Throwback" means. To me it has negative connotations. If it's no good you throw it back, right? As a dew purist, I thought it was gross. I'd rather have the original or nothing at all. High fructose corn syrup FTW!

5) I just want to talk to people who work in the food industry here at good ole #5. I know your job is hard. I know everyone is different and most people are douche's to you. I know most people don't tip well. Now that we've covered a few of the basics that I know, can we talk about some stuff? Friend to friend? I LOVE FOOD. Food and me go WAY back. It's ritualistic and comforting and practically orgasmic. That being said, I think you should understand that I am happy and excited to be in your establishment. However, lets just set a few ground rules here.

The last 3 restaurants I ate at totally fucked up the dance. Don't act like you didn't know eating out is a finely choreographed dance, it SOO is.
*Please allow me to sit down and put my purse down before you are already spewing off your specials. I'm still standing... REALLY?

*Please follow the order of things. I just ate at a place that brought my chips & salsa, guacamole, bean soup, AND entree all at the same time. Then they took my drink order!! The food was DELICIOUS, but I was so disappointed because it was too much.

*Allow me time. Speed is not everything!! Sometimes my entire plan for the night is to enjoy my companions company. I want to chitty chat and savor my tapenade and flatbread. I want to tell a funny story and then get really excited about my beet salad. I want time to reminisce while waiting in hungry expectation for my designer pizza. Get it? The waiting, the expectation, the tease... It's like sex. Can I get a little foreplay PLEASE?**

So anyways, that's what was on my mind today. :)




**Now is NOT the time for your comments to offer advice on my sex life, I'm just trying to be funny here...

I'm famous! But totally not for what I want to be famous for!

Google Analytics doesn't lie. You guys are fucked up. Lately I've become a total stats junky and now I have proof that all four of you readers are sick. Sick sick sick sick SICK!

I looked up keywords and here are a few of my favorites. It's so sad that I know exactly what posts these refer to too!

fisting ((The Bloggess would be so proud! - not that she even knows I exist))
reverse anorexia in women
vegetarian shooting
what does heroin taste like?

Actually, these aren't that great, but I'm half assing it today because I have a lot of work to do! Plus, I have something to go to at 7pm and then a roomie dinner at 8:30 and tomorrow I'm getting my hair done and then the 'rents and I are heading out to Magic Mountain! I'm so excited!!!

PS - yesterday I ate another Chocodile. Here is proof that these things go straight to your hips :(

This is actually motivating. My roomies and I have a trip to Vegas planned and it's time to get serious and slim down so we can be Vegas ready! We've plastered our fridge with Victoria's Secret models and soon we're going to spend an afternoon weeping and beating our chests in lamentation and there will be much gnashing of teeth and dry heaves trying on bathing suits to prep for summer! I can't wait!

Raccoons and Strippers turn out to be oddly similar

I’d like you to look at me. Look up at the top of this blog, maybe to the side, okay, even look below this post... WAIT, Oh my god, how many freakin’ pictures do I have of myself on this blog?? Apparently I should add narcissism to my list of afflictions - geeeezzzzuuussss!

Okay, ANYWAYS, back to me - LOOK AT ME! What you see folks is the the ugly face of addiction! Besides having an addictive personality (Actually, 2 random people have described me recently as “infectious” {in keeping with my narcissistic ways} which I obviously took as a compliment) I am also, quite possibly, addicted to every other possible thing you can be addicted to. To some who read this, that will come across as a rather extreme statement, lest you keep reading and discover I’m also addicted to exaggerating. How can I live larger than life unless I lie, right?

Honestly I believe the government is conspiring against me! There are some things in this life I just cannot live with out.
1) Chapstick
2) Lotion
3) Q-Tips

As I vegetarian, I find beef jerky to be exceptionally unattractive. One hour without one of the above listed products and I shrivel up and age at least 50 years. Okay, that was an exaggeration, my apologies - 30 years... I would age AT LEAST 30 years. Still you skoff? From my stationary chair, I offer you this picture of the lotion/chapsticks I have within an arms reach. And since my roommate Melissa lovingly refers to me as T-rex, that’s like 2 feet max - SERIOUSLY... I’m just sayin’...

Since I’m trying not to be a sensationalist, that HONESTLY was what I found in my desk here at work!

Here’s a new one that’s just starting to rear it’s shiny head - GLITTER. I am totally addicted to glitter. I love looking at sparkly stuff, so much so that now I apply shimmery eye shadow, glitter eye liner, and a glitter liquid liner to my eyes. I have the prettiest eyes if I do say so to my vainglorious self. Truth be told, as the day wears on, the glitter works its way onto my eye lashes and into my eyes and down my face so that by 5 pm all I see is sparkles and shimmers and shooting stars. I live in a prism of glitter reverb that would rival the best LCD trip you’ve ever had. A day seeing through my eyes is probably like being trapped inside a Pink Floyd video. Except, I just googled Pink Floyd videos on youtube - being as I was born in 1978 - and NOW THEY TELL ME they didn’t even have music videos back then - what the fuck!? The few I did watch were of like his concerts and they seemed pretty trippy and you know what? Whatever! Just hum to yourself “Hello Hellooo, is there anybody. out. there. ??” You get the point. It’s a lot of fucking glitter okay - that’s the point!

Hell, I’ve got so much stuff going on that I shouldn’t even be driving. I ran into an old friend at Target 2 weeks ago and she made reference to me resembling a raccoon. I didn’t really understand that analogy since I thought moths were attracted to shiny stuff and raccoons were more garbage bandits of the rodent variety, but then again, you can’t be a true junkie unless you’ve got yourself all hopped up and dug through the trash for dinner right? Soooo maybe she’s right? Actually, the more I think about it, strippers and raccoons have a lot in common. Of course, I haven’t perfected the titty glitter thing just yet - I’ve mostly wanted to be feminist **HEY BUDDY, eyes up here okay?!** but I’m only a year into this and as my tolerance grows I’ll be hittin’ the harder stuff soon enough. GIVE IT TIME PEOPLE!

I think I’m also addicted to smell though. NO, I don’t want to smell you - I’m full of self-love remember? Unfortunately, after about 15 different products (Body wash, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, lotion, perfume, perfumed lotion, hair smoother, hair spray, and more!) I fear I smell like a $3 french whore up in this bitch! Actually, I think the original saying was a $2 french whore, but with the economy right now and the fact that all those products are expensive, I’ve taken the liberty of raising the price a dollar! OH OH, you know what?!?!?! I even have scented body glitter! Can you say OMG!?

By the way, what the hell is a velvet tuberose and why do I always pronounce it turbose? (That's the bath & body lotion scent I prefer) Like I think I want to smell like a large but very fast woman? Like you know, turbo, but the OSE part denotes largeness... Everyone knows this, must I explain every. thing. to. you? Sigh.

Alright people, my 3 o'clock break is over and we're a little less than an hour away from 5 pm's impending disco fever revival, so I gotta go!

As a side not, if this means anything to you - you will know how funny it is.
People that eat chicken feet can’t get diabetes. Say goodbye.

Cool Nerd - OH YEAH

Sometimes thoughts just come to me & I scribble them down & then nothing happens - like this tidbit I apparently wrote 3 weeks ago, but don’t even remember. I believe there is a missing segue somewhere in there between nerds/technology and growing a garden to make it through armageddon. (WTF?) I chuckled - it’s the last paragraph that got me! SO RANDOM!
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Things I do that make me a nerd:

1) Point out all Apple products whenever I see one.
2) Get really upset when TV shows use the “COOL” looking Macs, but block the Apple or portray that a Dell runs the better looking OS X. #FAIL
3) Use the word #FAIL
4) Reference all of my information sources as coming from the internet. “I heard Michelle is in Disneyland” means I saw her MySpace status told me that. Haven’t actually talked to Michelle! Or “People have been saying there’s a new sports bar downtown” means I saw on someones Twitter stream about it. I haven’t talked to anyone or seen the news or read the newspaper in years.
5) Use the internet or my iPhone to check facts or spelling or history in the middle of a debate. Especially if this debate is not happening face to face (Although I usually fess up that I cheated after being declared the winner... USUALLY...)

Here’s my point... Why do we always insist on doing everything the hard way when technology is here to help you? Seriously?

Old school clocks, math, and stick shift cars are taking the blunt of my wrath right now.

Its not like I am inept. I could grow a garden too, but seems a bit easier to go to the grocery store than be out back sweating and harvesting the land. Armageddon is already coming, I’ll rest up until then, thank you!

Leave personal maintenance to the professionals...

I'm mad at the economy. Well, mad in probably the most facetious and petty way possible, but that's how I roll, yo!

I keep writing sentences and I can't decide whether I want this to be a really serious post or a funny one. I'm guessing mostly funny because I really don't have anything to complain about. It's just like Louis CK and his "Everything's amazing, Nobody's happy" video. Watch here:

I think we all got ahead of ourselves and maybe life does need to settle back down so we can appreciate what we have. I bought my first house in 2000, lived there for 2+ years and never had cable, internet, or a livingroom couch. Oddly enough, I recall being busy and happy. WEIRD. I seriously, at this point, would give up food to keep my TiVo recording. That's not petty right? A girl's gotta have priorities... I think food and insurance are way overrated anyways.

Mostly, I just don't like being crowded and I think there are a few too many of you on this boat. Yeah, I can see the "capacity" sign from my prime window seat and we're definitely overfull. I think I'm feeling a little seasick here.

Actually, as a workin' girl, I can now see I lived the last few years like a lady of leisure... Mostly, I'm upset because I LOVED IT! I was professionally maintained from head to toe, literally. Ladies of leisure don't bother with shaving and combing their hair and painting their nails. I know this because I laughed entirely too hard when watching the Kath & Kim episode where Kim heads out to get a mani/pedi while proclaiming "Painting your own nails is so poor!" IT IS and I hate being poor! It's so much better to leave all that personal maintenance bullshit to the pros. You know you've made it when you are willing to pay cash money (that's my gangsta word of the month BTW) to some woman so that she can crawl all over your hooha waxing and tweezing because you just can't be bothered with those things.

And as a poor person now, I'm also incredibly lazy. I'm laying in bed on a Sunday at 11am listening to my iPod with my dog curled up next to me, but my laptop battery is in the red and I'm not feeling like going into the living room to get my power cord. Mostly because I'm naked and don't think my roommates would appreciate that. See, that's also lazy because I don't want to bother with a robe. However, I read somewhere you shouldn't end a blog post in the middle of discussing getting Brazilian waxes, but looks like that's what's gonna happen. When will this retardedly expensive dog get his ass up and do something other than cost me MORE money?

I've added it up and I'm thinking $1,000 more a month will adequately provide me with the lifestyle I've become accustomed too. Anyone want to be my sugar daddy? I'm prepping my "trophy wife" resume right now...

WTF

Yeah... so driving around town the other day, I saw this...

We could talk 20 minutes about the intricate details of everything wrong with this photo.
1) Is that a dead animal hanging from the back?
2) Is this a mobile memorial to some sort of deceased person?
3) Is that a strange blow up doll on the trunk?
4) What the fuck? I'm mean seriously? What is going on here? I am MYSTIFIED!

Also, I was window shopping and saw THIS...

Did I miss something? Clearly there was a memo sent out that I did not get.
1) This is the best outfit you could come up with for your window?
2) Are shorts okay this short on ANYONE? Umm, no
3) Short shorts with white boots and a popped collar?
4) Did I leave the planet via alien abduction or parallel universe wormhole? Because, What the fuck?

Alright, I'm in bed, I'm tired, and I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. I'm going to bed now. Much love! Goodnight!

Uhhh - PANIC - Backpedal - how exactly do I explain THAT!?

So I raced home last night after a grueling day at work and upon seeing my roommate in the hallway, had this conversation:

-------------------------------------
Me: Ummm, so HEY, umm if you sort of write a blog about how hot you think a guy is in a movie, woul...

Her: Oh Oh, which movie...?

Me: Well, umm, you know that movie Amistad?

Her: Yeeeaaaaahhhhhhhh??????

Me: and also, ummm, American History X?

Her: (Shivers) Oh my god, remember that part where he “curbs” that one kid?

Me: So.. Yeah... if you sorta overlook, like, slavery and apartheid and stuff... Ummm and say something that happened during a hate crime was hot - is that bad?

Her: *Stare of disbelief*

Me: SO WAIT- it get’s worse!!! JUST NOW, this guy, a black guy, sends me a message saying “Hmmm, I don’t really know you, so all I can say is Hmmmm.” OH.MY.GOD. do you think he meant HMMM as in, she was totally digging on black guys or do you think he meant HMMM as in, this white chick just posted the most racist blog of all time?

Her: Marisa - Oh My God - why would you write that stuff?

Me: Dude, you never see movies with naked guys in it! I just wanted to say I thought it was hot! Oh Wait, I did see Kevin Bacon’s wiener in Wild Things... HA HA...

Her: Yeah, Kevin Bacon is hot too... But that’s like me saying the guys in Schindlers List were hot because they were naked right before they went into the incinerator!

Me: True, and I *MAY* have said something about Schindlers list as well - I KNOW I KNOW - but they were all skinny and stuff - I’m talking about Kimora’s baby daddy here....

Her: OH TOTALLY, that Djimon guy is HOT!

Me: I KNOW! So, now how do I explain to this guy that my dad is black, my cousins are black, that my ex and other roommate were black? He’s totally gonna think I’m pulling the old white girl “Oh no no, I didn’t mean it like THAT way - my best friend is black”... routine. You know there’s no way he read my backblog. OH MY GOD!

Her: Yeah, good luck with that.

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It pretty much went like that.
My whole life goes like that.

Let me properly introduce myself. “I’m Marisa. I’m awkward and NEVER pass up an opportunity to put my foot in my mouth!”

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Me with my ex Khari
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My favorite cousin Sunny
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Me, my dad, & brother

You don't wanna know...

Yeah, been meaning to write, but just haven’t had a chance. I have work projects and personal obligations and advertising meetings and crazy deadlines. I’m trying to be organized and yet still So I’m taking 10 minutes to eat my soup and type something.

Had a bunch of notes about things I wanted to tell you, but in my panic to get something... ANYTHING accomplished I left it at home.

HOWEVER, I DO REMEMBER ONE THING!

Do you guys remember the Seinfeld episode where Jerry felt weird about making out with his girlfriend during Schindler’s List, but it was like the only time they could be alone? I seem to have a pattern for being oddly turned on at COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE times at the movies.

1) American History X - Edward Norton.

Yup, I know! There he is running out into the street to “curb” some guy and all I can think is - So those are boxers huh? That’s hot. Hmmm, he looks good... little lower....
I’m imagining that was the opposite of the point.

2) Amistad - Djimon Hounsou

(Yes, I realize this picture was not from the movie... But if it isn't proof that this guy is a perfect specimen of man, I don't know what is... HEY, IT'S MY BLOG, I'LL DO WHAT I WANT!)
I’m thinking somewhere along the way I should have been really upset about slavery and injustice, etc etc
That might have happened if it wasn’t for the fact that all I could think was: DAMN that’s a lot of really fine black men. Can we go back to the boat scene?
Yes, I’ll hang my head in shame now.

3) Easter Promises - Viggo Mortensen

Alright folks, this is the last one, I promise. But there he is, all bad ass and naked. I suppose I should have been bothered by the blood and attempted murder, but funny story... I wasn’t. It was hot. I’m sorry.

Ok I’m not sorry.

Well, I’m sorry for those of you who think I’m being serious - or for anyone who thinks I have no soul and condone slavery and murder, but other than that - NOT SORRY!

Anyways, I tried to warn you that you didn't wanna know - you just had to read it, didn't you?!

Affordable affluence, Cucumber Dreams, & Conversational Civility

Things on my mind...

1) How come so many homeless and poor people are fat? Isn't obesity a sign of affluence? Okay, talking any more about that subject will get me in trouble - I was just wondering.

2) Am I the only one who sees the cleaning companies diabolical scheme to sexually frustrate American homes everywhere? There are plenty of studies out there saying that the scent that "turns on" a woman is cucumber. (Yes Yes, save your phallic jokes for someone else) The scent that "turns on" a man is lavender. (also pumpkin pie, but everyone loves that, so that's weird)

Anyways, now I'd like you to go do a little research. See if you can find any dish soap, fabric softener, or cleaning spray that isn't freakin' cucumber or lavender!! I know most women think a man that does chores is sexy, but this is starting to take on more meaning.

3) What happened to SHAME? Why is everyone so comfortable with talking about things they shouldn't? If I run into you at the grocery store and ask where your husband is, DO NOT tell me about his case of explosive diarrhea!! A simple "he's not feeling well" would have sufficed. I don't need or want to know the details of your lactose intolerance, your intestinal gas, acid reflux, your last really good bowel movement, heartburn, or that time you had the flu. There used to be a time when we didn't speak about such things. I'm a visual person too. Any and everything you say to me, I picture you doing. My brain works in pictures. This is probably why I have an INTENSE aversion to bathroom humor, but anyways - please people - a little conversational civility would be MUCH APPRECIATED!

Well, those were just a few things on my mind tonight. Hope they brought about at least a chuckle.

My life in The Bell Jar...

Anyone read that book The Bell Jar? I got clear to the end before I realized she had gone crazy. Actually, she made PERFECT sense to me the entire way through and I’m not sure what that means. HA HA HA.

Today's early morning meeting at work ended with a motivational video about the importance of AA. Attitude and Activities (which they say are the only 2 things a person can control) In case you didn’t know, I’m list maker from birth. Eventually I will be the crazy lady with many crazy scribbles of paper surrounding me, but for now, I just have a regular list. Read my Bonus #10 & #11 for further proof.

Is it crazy that I made a list of making this post about making a list? Here’s a pic of me with my Work To Do list and my Blog topics list.

These were the things I thought the world should know. Seriously, when I die and you all rush to my blog to read what makes me ME, what will you all think? How crazy do you all think I am?

1) There is a lady here at work who keeps here hair brush on the counter in the bathroom. It’s a crappy brush with her name scrawled in marker on it. I’m sure we have a problem with people stealing anonymously used hair brushes around here. Actually, if someone would steal a used hairbrush, maybe they would just USE it leave it there for you to catch something. It bothers me SERIOUSLY! Funny that she would mark HER stuff, but she’s the one responsible for “THIS”... sooo.... ummm.... Now I’m upset all over again!

2) Has anyone seen the commercials for Smooth Away ?? This is commercial grade sandpaper being marketed as a hair removal technique for women! Hell, Why not sell lava or battery acid? How come you don’t throw in a free belt sander? Outrageous!

3) The vent fan in the women’s bathroom here sounds like someone just started up a diesel generator! It’s distracting and a bit scary.

4) I feel that if I drink 1 thermos of water for every bottle of soda - it has a balancing effect and then I won’t need a kidney transplant.

5) Do other people think/write lists like this?

6) I like that commercial where those old ladies do donuts in their kitchen and then drive ALL THE WAY to the top of the Grand Canyon in their Hover-round carts. My grandpa had a Jazzy with an orange flag on the back of it - that was cool!

7) What’s up with that Octuplets mom? I couldn’t even watch the whole TV interview last night. She’s SO wackadoodle it doesn’t make any sense and I think the public should be outraged. I’m extra offended because I don’t even like kids and have no desire to even have ONE... The idea of FOURTEEN is enough to make me get my tubes tied for realz yo!

8) I am funny. I clicked back a couple posts to research my “click here” links and started laughing. Of course the world needs to read this and laugh along with my neurosis/psychosis/crazy/I don’t know even know ideas. HA HA HA

Feeling the PINCH me this can't be happening...

You know it’s not good when your controller walks into your offices, sits down, and says... “Marisa, at 10 minutes to 12, I need you to come to the conference room...” and then walks out.

O. M. G.

On a regular day this would have sent me into a fit of nauseous tears, but I already know what’s coming.
The boom.
The hammer.
The guillotine.
The PINCH.

Yeah, lets see how peppy people are NOW. haha My post yesterday was well timed, eh? I’m sneaky like that. HA!

Everyone’s wages are being docked across the board - and not a little, A LOT. UGH - punch in the stomach is a little strong, but YOWZA - I feel the pinch. I know they don’t want to, but they HAVE to.

Damn you ECONOMY!

How do you pinch MORE? Christmas doesn’t matter to me. Hair and nails matter don’t matter to me. Brand new designer clothes matter don’t matter to me.

BUT my precious precious Sylvia? (My House Cleaner) WHY ECONOMY?!? WHY?!?!

My TiVo!?!? NO NO, I can’t breath... TiiiiiVooooo!? Say it ain’t so!

My unlimited everything iPhone plan... And all this time I prayed to you Steve Jobs, god of all the nerdy cool people... Sniffle - this tear I shed - not for me - but for YOU... your most loyal customer will have to tithe just a little bit less each month to you now, I’m SO SO SORRY!
☹

I know I know... life’s not so bad - and yes I am SOOO still smiling! Putting down that pettiness, when others have real problems, helps me keep it in perspective.

I’m still sad. Things I’m comfortable and VERY happy with are changing. I still feel the pinch, in fact, this one might leave a bruise... but anyways...

Hi, how are you?