The strangest thing just happened...

Well, actually it wasn't even close to THE strangest - I seem to attract STRANGE things... However, here's a little story for you.

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As a side note, you should know, I'm a pretty chatty person. I smile and talk and make eye contact and say my please and thank you's and the whole bit. The store is kinda a big deal for me. I like the cashiers to know me and me to know them. It may be a chain store, but it's LOCAL - it's MINE and that's what I do...
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A couple weeks ago I had to stop at the store and pick up a few ingredients and a couple bottles of wine from the grocery store for a potluck dinner I was going to later that evening.

As my stuff was being scanned, something happened with the cashier (NOT ON PURPOSE) and my bottle of La Crema fell over and the bottom of the bottle broke off! OMG WINE EVERYWHERE!

How do you think this situation worked out? What would be your reaction? There would be "A REACTION" right?

Ummmm, NO!

It was SOOO weird! She just picked up a rag, a small rag, and sort of blotted up a little bit. All the while my cheese and ranch seasoning and bread are being demolished. So I'm picking stuff up and it's dripping wine and the guy behind me in line and I are talking, I'm talking to the cashier, the bag boy... EVERYONE.

The entire... ENTIRE... E N T I R E  cleaning process, replacement of my tarnished products process, checkout process, and albeit "one sided" conversation clear through me signing the receipt she did not make eye contact, answer my questions, respond to my banter, or even acknowledge my existence. IT WAS FUCKING BIZARRE... !!!!!

I know it wasn't her fault - it's not like I expected her to say "I'm sorry" or anything, but possibly an "Oooops" or "Oh my gosh" or "Wow, I'm tired will this day ever end" or SOMETHING... RIGHT?  Wouldn't you say SOMETHING?!

Okay, upon review this was a lame story... but I found it to be so crazy!  I think I need to get out more.

Pecking order of death (UPDATE: MORE PICTURES)

So there are city girls and there are country girls. I'd like to think I'm a decent mix of both. I was raised a country girl riding horses, catching lizards, and climbing trees among other things, but I absolutely love reality TV, manicures, and using any excuse to buy a new *anything*...

I'm terrified of snakes and spiders, but I'm okay with squirrels and june bugs and rats - go figure!

HOWEVER
YOU KNOW WHAT'S SCARY??

GEESE!

There are 7 families of geese at this place I go to every day. Here is a video of 2 families.
(Taken from the safety of my car)

Yes, they may not seem that scary just waddling their fat happy asses across the road, but what if you were forced to WALK by them? OH. MY. GOD.

1st of all - did you know that these midieval red eyed devils will hiss at you like a viper? Oh you did know that? Well, screw you because I did not know that and 911 had to take the paddles to me because it scared me to death!
2nd of all - I offer you the below picture that, for the sake of this blog, I risked my life to take!

Do you see the sniper goose at the top? I recommend you zoom in on this picture. I have highlighted with green arrow the two Carl Lewis' of the group, beaks agape, feet in FULL run towards me.


I had video of this encounter, but I deleted it too soon. I had accidentally hit the button twice, so when I thought I stopped it, I actually started it. All you hear is me say AAAAAHHHHH and then the camera drops down and videos my feet run away. Only now that it's gone do I realize how funny it was. DANG IT!

Do you see how they are EVERYWHERE I go? SO MANY!

What happens in Vegas...

...STAYS IN VEGAS!

"Except for herpes, that shit is forever!" - NAME THAT MOVIE!

Truth be told, I had 4 action packed days of good clean fun, food, and friends. There were 23 of us and we all stayed at the MGM Grand. There was walking and talking and shopping and drinking and I loved every second. We had our club night in Moon at the Palms. Terrell Owens was there if you're into that kind of thing. So was Chino from the Deftones and also Pauly Shore. Go figure.

Mostly, I'll share this with you: For those of you who haven't been to the Wet Republic pool party at the MGM, GO DO IT!!! - it was like the best thing I've ever done in my life - soo yeah. I hear they charged $50 to get in, but I got in free... You know how I roll.

This pic is BEFORE it got busy... BEFORE the pitchers of Mojitos and the fireworks. BEFORE the dance floor opened and there was a thong contest and BEFORE the waitresses sprayed champagne all over everyone. I guess you could call that a good time.

One tip I'll give you is: There is no such thing as ridiculous in Las Vegas.
• Wear your highest heels, you say? With a bathing suit?
• Put on club worthy make up & jewelry? To a pool party?
YES!
There were a couple moments where things could have taken a turn for the worse, but I managed to drink another mojito and use what I saw as motivation. I had 6 hours in the sun to plan buying those necessarily evil expensive Chanel sunglasses and figure out how to lose those last pesky 40 lbs, and start saving for a boob job...


Speaking of needing to lose 40 lbs. There was the free food at the buffet... Yeah, I ate at it 7 times to the best of my calculations. LOL that's a lot!
I'm also calculating I only had a grand total of 13 hrs sleep over the 4 days. And I don't even gamble. I chose to lose all my money at the mall, thank you very much!

I think I'm done sharing all my secrets though. There's more pressing things I need to talk to you guys about. I was thinking of changing my blog focus again. How do you all feel about feet?

I think I have pretty decent feet & toes.
I haven't really looked at my analytics lately, but I'm sure this is going to lead to some foot fetish crap. Well how about I DEVASTATE all of you then by showing you what my feet look like now.

I know you're still recovering from the horror of that which is me in a bathing suit and now I'll show you what happened on the last night. I wish I could say I was drunk, but no... just twitchy and clumsy... What's it been, a month since the last time I nearly killed myself? Yeah. I wasn't ready for my self-esteem to come back.

Actually, don't look - just close you're browser now!
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AAAHHHHH! So disturbing!! Have I mentioned to you how much I hate myself for being clumsy? Yeah.... Apparently, trying to keep all 18+ people in the group moving in the same direction caused me to turn around and I got tangled up in my pants and when I put my foot out for balance - BAM! Right into the construction pylon cement divider thing.

SOOOO... sorry you had to see that.

Will you still me my friend? PLEASE?

Possibly I'll post some other pictures later so keep your eye out for an UPDATE! Now I'm tired and my feet hurt though, so I'm going to go. To purge that awful toe picture, here is the most hilarious thing ever. HarMar in his lobster costume. It gets even funnier because he is completely incapable of movement. He'll stay in that position all night until you take it off. Somehow it's probably cruel, but it makes me laugh and laugh.

It was the best $10 I've ever spent.

It's becoming clear to me that my expectations are waaay too high...

I'm going to complain, make fun, and generally be a catty bitch in this post... so move right along if you're not into that kind of thing.

Five things you need to know, do, or point and laugh at...

1) I have a problem with commercials. This is why I pay for TiVo. I compulsively fast forward, but every once in a while I'm assaulted by something truly disturbing. Has anyone seen the one where mother nature is an evil woman who shows up carrying a red box and gives women their "monthly gift" at uncool times like on a first date or as you are wearing all white and landing your private jet on a Hawaiian beach with girlfriends? Really? And I KNOW the illustration didn't just show a red box bouncing around in there trying to get out. Yeah... Seriously... Personally, I don't think a white bathing suit is a good idea ever, but really? I could talk for hours about this.

1a) It's about drinkability. REALLY? This is your beverage marketing slogan? It's DRINKABLE? I find this to be SOOO HUMOROUS that it is, in fact, bothersome. Not better tasting, not less filling, not low calorie... IT'S DRINKABLE? hahaha *puke* hahaha

1b) Okay, I have a serious commercial problem!!! The Charmin Toilet Paper Company MUST BE STOPPED. These filthy disgusting bears and their love of public defecation MUST BE STOPPED. I just saw one last night where they all drive around together in a car, stop in the woods, and take a big family dump. There are no words to describe my horror.

Moving On...

2) I was at Dollar Tree the other day. It was clearly the first time the lady in front of me had been there. She asks the cashier, "How much are the balloons you have over there?" He says, "I think they are a dollar." She counters with, "How much are the foil balloons?" He says, "Actually, those are a dollar too." Does she have a vision problem as well, or are the 75 EVERYTHING'S A DOLLAR posters really really confusing?

Then the people behind me bust in and ask the cashier, "How about these candy bars? The box says 59 cents." The cashier must get this a lot because he says, "Then they must be 59 cents." I however observed the sign says "2 for $1." It's a little scary going out in public sometimes. Very simple concepts confuse people and I'm terrified for the future now.

3) I have a tax man who lives up in Oakhurst. He is a strange man, but his dad used to do my dads taxes so it's sort of a family thing. Once a year I have the privilege of driving up north to cram myself into this strange uneven room. His table is just a GIANT tree stump and the ceiling slopes so that you sort of have to crawl into your chair. It's a crazy HEAVY old orangy chair and there are papers EVERYWHERE. He always keeps an ice chest behind him with Hansen's soda in it and when I leave, I come home with a little tidbit worth sharing.

A few years ago, he shared with me that he enjoys taking a dip in his spa in the morning before coming to work. Fairly normal and not noteworthy right? Did I forget to mention he is always joined by his pet turkey? HAHAHA Uhhh, what?? I was too shocked to really ask any questions, but isn't that called making soup? Isn't that how you cook lobster? I mean, turkeys shouldn't be in the spa, right? Tell me that's strange so I feel better about myself. (PS - he is the nicest guy and does a GREAT job, but I had to share the turkey thing.) I can't make this up people.

4) I had a Mountain Dew "Throwback" the other day. I don't think I have a clear understanding of what the term "Throwback" means. To me it has negative connotations. If it's no good you throw it back, right? As a dew purist, I thought it was gross. I'd rather have the original or nothing at all. High fructose corn syrup FTW!

5) I just want to talk to people who work in the food industry here at good ole #5. I know your job is hard. I know everyone is different and most people are douche's to you. I know most people don't tip well. Now that we've covered a few of the basics that I know, can we talk about some stuff? Friend to friend? I LOVE FOOD. Food and me go WAY back. It's ritualistic and comforting and practically orgasmic. That being said, I think you should understand that I am happy and excited to be in your establishment. However, lets just set a few ground rules here.

The last 3 restaurants I ate at totally fucked up the dance. Don't act like you didn't know eating out is a finely choreographed dance, it SOO is.
*Please allow me to sit down and put my purse down before you are already spewing off your specials. I'm still standing... REALLY?

*Please follow the order of things. I just ate at a place that brought my chips & salsa, guacamole, bean soup, AND entree all at the same time. Then they took my drink order!! The food was DELICIOUS, but I was so disappointed because it was too much.

*Allow me time. Speed is not everything!! Sometimes my entire plan for the night is to enjoy my companions company. I want to chitty chat and savor my tapenade and flatbread. I want to tell a funny story and then get really excited about my beet salad. I want time to reminisce while waiting in hungry expectation for my designer pizza. Get it? The waiting, the expectation, the tease... It's like sex. Can I get a little foreplay PLEASE?**

So anyways, that's what was on my mind today. :)




**Now is NOT the time for your comments to offer advice on my sex life, I'm just trying to be funny here...

Raccoons and Strippers turn out to be oddly similar

I’d like you to look at me. Look up at the top of this blog, maybe to the side, okay, even look below this post... WAIT, Oh my god, how many freakin’ pictures do I have of myself on this blog?? Apparently I should add narcissism to my list of afflictions - geeeezzzzuuussss!

Okay, ANYWAYS, back to me - LOOK AT ME! What you see folks is the the ugly face of addiction! Besides having an addictive personality (Actually, 2 random people have described me recently as “infectious” {in keeping with my narcissistic ways} which I obviously took as a compliment) I am also, quite possibly, addicted to every other possible thing you can be addicted to. To some who read this, that will come across as a rather extreme statement, lest you keep reading and discover I’m also addicted to exaggerating. How can I live larger than life unless I lie, right?

Honestly I believe the government is conspiring against me! There are some things in this life I just cannot live with out.
1) Chapstick
2) Lotion
3) Q-Tips

As I vegetarian, I find beef jerky to be exceptionally unattractive. One hour without one of the above listed products and I shrivel up and age at least 50 years. Okay, that was an exaggeration, my apologies - 30 years... I would age AT LEAST 30 years. Still you skoff? From my stationary chair, I offer you this picture of the lotion/chapsticks I have within an arms reach. And since my roommate Melissa lovingly refers to me as T-rex, that’s like 2 feet max - SERIOUSLY... I’m just sayin’...

Since I’m trying not to be a sensationalist, that HONESTLY was what I found in my desk here at work!

Here’s a new one that’s just starting to rear it’s shiny head - GLITTER. I am totally addicted to glitter. I love looking at sparkly stuff, so much so that now I apply shimmery eye shadow, glitter eye liner, and a glitter liquid liner to my eyes. I have the prettiest eyes if I do say so to my vainglorious self. Truth be told, as the day wears on, the glitter works its way onto my eye lashes and into my eyes and down my face so that by 5 pm all I see is sparkles and shimmers and shooting stars. I live in a prism of glitter reverb that would rival the best LCD trip you’ve ever had. A day seeing through my eyes is probably like being trapped inside a Pink Floyd video. Except, I just googled Pink Floyd videos on youtube - being as I was born in 1978 - and NOW THEY TELL ME they didn’t even have music videos back then - what the fuck!? The few I did watch were of like his concerts and they seemed pretty trippy and you know what? Whatever! Just hum to yourself “Hello Hellooo, is there anybody. out. there. ??” You get the point. It’s a lot of fucking glitter okay - that’s the point!

Hell, I’ve got so much stuff going on that I shouldn’t even be driving. I ran into an old friend at Target 2 weeks ago and she made reference to me resembling a raccoon. I didn’t really understand that analogy since I thought moths were attracted to shiny stuff and raccoons were more garbage bandits of the rodent variety, but then again, you can’t be a true junkie unless you’ve got yourself all hopped up and dug through the trash for dinner right? Soooo maybe she’s right? Actually, the more I think about it, strippers and raccoons have a lot in common. Of course, I haven’t perfected the titty glitter thing just yet - I’ve mostly wanted to be feminist **HEY BUDDY, eyes up here okay?!** but I’m only a year into this and as my tolerance grows I’ll be hittin’ the harder stuff soon enough. GIVE IT TIME PEOPLE!

I think I’m also addicted to smell though. NO, I don’t want to smell you - I’m full of self-love remember? Unfortunately, after about 15 different products (Body wash, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, lotion, perfume, perfumed lotion, hair smoother, hair spray, and more!) I fear I smell like a $3 french whore up in this bitch! Actually, I think the original saying was a $2 french whore, but with the economy right now and the fact that all those products are expensive, I’ve taken the liberty of raising the price a dollar! OH OH, you know what?!?!?! I even have scented body glitter! Can you say OMG!?

By the way, what the hell is a velvet tuberose and why do I always pronounce it turbose? (That's the bath & body lotion scent I prefer) Like I think I want to smell like a large but very fast woman? Like you know, turbo, but the OSE part denotes largeness... Everyone knows this, must I explain every. thing. to. you? Sigh.

Alright people, my 3 o'clock break is over and we're a little less than an hour away from 5 pm's impending disco fever revival, so I gotta go!

As a side not, if this means anything to you - you will know how funny it is.
People that eat chicken feet can’t get diabetes. Say goodbye.

WTF

Yeah... so driving around town the other day, I saw this...

We could talk 20 minutes about the intricate details of everything wrong with this photo.
1) Is that a dead animal hanging from the back?
2) Is this a mobile memorial to some sort of deceased person?
3) Is that a strange blow up doll on the trunk?
4) What the fuck? I'm mean seriously? What is going on here? I am MYSTIFIED!

Also, I was window shopping and saw THIS...

Did I miss something? Clearly there was a memo sent out that I did not get.
1) This is the best outfit you could come up with for your window?
2) Are shorts okay this short on ANYONE? Umm, no
3) Short shorts with white boots and a popped collar?
4) Did I leave the planet via alien abduction or parallel universe wormhole? Because, What the fuck?

Alright, I'm in bed, I'm tired, and I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. I'm going to bed now. Much love! Goodnight!

Uhhh - PANIC - Backpedal - how exactly do I explain THAT!?

So I raced home last night after a grueling day at work and upon seeing my roommate in the hallway, had this conversation:

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Me: Ummm, so HEY, umm if you sort of write a blog about how hot you think a guy is in a movie, woul...

Her: Oh Oh, which movie...?

Me: Well, umm, you know that movie Amistad?

Her: Yeeeaaaaahhhhhhhh??????

Me: and also, ummm, American History X?

Her: (Shivers) Oh my god, remember that part where he “curbs” that one kid?

Me: So.. Yeah... if you sorta overlook, like, slavery and apartheid and stuff... Ummm and say something that happened during a hate crime was hot - is that bad?

Her: *Stare of disbelief*

Me: SO WAIT- it get’s worse!!! JUST NOW, this guy, a black guy, sends me a message saying “Hmmm, I don’t really know you, so all I can say is Hmmmm.” OH.MY.GOD. do you think he meant HMMM as in, she was totally digging on black guys or do you think he meant HMMM as in, this white chick just posted the most racist blog of all time?

Her: Marisa - Oh My God - why would you write that stuff?

Me: Dude, you never see movies with naked guys in it! I just wanted to say I thought it was hot! Oh Wait, I did see Kevin Bacon’s wiener in Wild Things... HA HA...

Her: Yeah, Kevin Bacon is hot too... But that’s like me saying the guys in Schindlers List were hot because they were naked right before they went into the incinerator!

Me: True, and I *MAY* have said something about Schindlers list as well - I KNOW I KNOW - but they were all skinny and stuff - I’m talking about Kimora’s baby daddy here....

Her: OH TOTALLY, that Djimon guy is HOT!

Me: I KNOW! So, now how do I explain to this guy that my dad is black, my cousins are black, that my ex and other roommate were black? He’s totally gonna think I’m pulling the old white girl “Oh no no, I didn’t mean it like THAT way - my best friend is black”... routine. You know there’s no way he read my backblog. OH MY GOD!

Her: Yeah, good luck with that.

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It pretty much went like that.
My whole life goes like that.

Let me properly introduce myself. “I’m Marisa. I’m awkward and NEVER pass up an opportunity to put my foot in my mouth!”

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Me with my ex Khari
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My favorite cousin Sunny
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Me, my dad, & brother

A collection of Letters I've been meaning to write for a while...

#1...

Dear 'strange woman who looks like a man that has a mustache and drives a shitty KIA'

Did no one explain to you what cruise control is? It is nearly impossible to drive circles around my car while I've been going a steady 85 mph in the same direction for the last 135 miles, but somehow you found a way.

Possibly I am being intolerant. Maybe you have some sort of rare right leg only seizure which forces you to slow down to 50 mph and then SPASM and mash down on the gas and leap up to 100 mph, careening across traffic while spastically changing lanes as we all hold on for dear life? I shouldn't judge you.

Maybe you suffer from multiple personality disorder and this is merely you phasing between Matilda the 90 year old grandma driver and Steve the 'roided out road rage-aholic? Again I judged you, let me apologize. 200 miles and you are still circling me!

OR MAYBE - just maybe... you shouldn't be driving? Since I tried to escape you and you are still right next to me, clearly you are not afraid of me typing a blog on my iPhone and creepily taking pics of your car. Haha.

Either way I have thoroughly entertained myself and burst out laughing every time you FLY by me, so thank you.
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#2

Dear Severely Mentally handicapped lady who speaks only Spanish, but has my cell # on speed dial...

I have been trying so hard to come up with an explanation as to why you call me at all hours of the day and night. Over and over and over again. From different numbers, but I know it's you. At 8 am and 4 pm and 2 am...

Who exactly is Inara? And exactly how many times do you need to call before you actually understand this is not the person you are trying to reach?

I assumed you spoke Spanish, but my cries of "El numero es no bueno" have fallen on deaf ears and were only answered by another "...Inara?" Did I misunderstand something?

What part of my voice mail stating my name and speaking in English makes you think Inara will soon be returning your call?

Seriously... if you have this much of a deficit, how are you holding a job to pay for your cell phone? Someone? Anyone? HELP! We're talking no less than 100 calls over the last year.

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#3

Dear crazy lady who runs around the lake (rain, fog, sleet, darkness... nothing stops you) about 35 times a day who has a limp and is clearly not enjoying herself...

I admire your consistency, but what is your story?

I imagine you were in some sort of debilitating accident... something that left you damaged - maybe you thought you would never walk again... and now you run. You run that crazy curly hair flying but 1 leg is stiff run. I see you no matter what time I leave the house and I.AM.FASCINATED...!

MAYBE you were fat and had gastric bypass and lost all the weight, but your obsession with food has turned into some sort of compulsive exercise disorder!? And now you fear you will gain it all back if you don't RUN... RUN LIKE THE WIND... 24 hours a day...

Or MAYBE... you are just crazy... Cuz, goddamn you have never not been outside running... OMG STOP IT!

Memories...

So I popped onto Amazon.com today to purchase something and saw the "Daily Deals" button or whatever specials they have. Just guess what was on sale?



I know! Dr Quinn - Medicine Woman. I used to LOVE that show. I used to work taking care of my grandparents back in like 1996... They had tons of health problems and my experiences there I should write about soon. If you've never wrestled your pill poppin, oseteoporosis riddled, emphysema oxygen tube wearing grandma down off a kitchen chair to stop her from trying to find the alcohol so she can make herself a "highball" then you haven't lived, that's for sure! (RIP grandma...)

Anyways, my grandpa couldn't really say much other than "chicken" and "egg" after his heart attack and many salt induced strokes (RIP grandma) but boy did he LOVE watching Dr Quinn - at FULL volume mind you - AS IN... concert quality - hello officer - go take another valium grandma, FULL volume... and it was awesome.

Every day I'd come home from my college classes, and grandpa would yell - Where's the girl? (That's me) I wanna watch the chicken! (That's Dr Quinn) and grandma would yell - "God Dammit LLOYD - Turn that down!" and everything would be right in my world.

I remember it like yesterday and I remember it fondly. :)

Life is good

So, this is probably going to bore the few that read this, but I write for me not you, so it's ok.

It's thanksgiving day. I'm in my parents rv and we're cruising into vegas as I type this. I'm gonna do the typical 'I'm thankful' post cuz life really can be good :)

I have ALWAYS loved RV's. My parents had one all my life and we've travelled the country, stopping at neat places we came across, resting when needed, eating home cooked food, using our own bathroom. Harmar is just crusing next to me on the couch. It is truly a lifestyle I believe in. Hands down I will own an rv someday.

For work I travel a lot. Funny part is we sell the rv's- we don't use them. So I've been to every airport and hotel and rental car place in America. The lines the delays the smoke smell and the expense- it's NOT even close to recommended!

I'm the type of person who needs to LIVE what I do though, so it makes sense. It often means I'm extreme, but I want to be excited and happy and fully enveloped by whatever I'm doing. I'm passionate about food and clothes and computers (stop and recognize I'm posting this from my iPhone which is THE coolest thing ever!) and YES everything RV related. Who wouldn't love sipping on a cocktail, surfing the web, sitting next to ur dog, and cruising towards vegas? And if u stop to appreciate it, get excited about it (whatever 'it' might be) then u can say u LIVED it, u felt it, u experienced it!

We stopped at stateline and went to the outlets. I got some cute shoes. Closed toed flats !GASP! That's never happened before- I'm slightly addicted to open toed high heels. My friend John seems to think I have aspirations of becoming a stripper. Ha! Hardly.

Anyways, as a side note, we were going to stop in Bakersfield last night but it seems they've closed every rest stop in California for repairs. Yeah, that's a good idea on the busiest travel day of the year. And u know cal trans works on thanksgiving day. Uh NOT- LAME! My poor dad wound up driving until 4am to find a Valero gas station we could sleep in.

We also had a 30 minute taco bell experience which left me giggling. I just try not to get too worked up and was THANKFUL I wasn't with one of my many friends who would have blown a gasket. Apparently, I stereotyped the Spanish speaking fellow at the taco bell counter to understand what a taco was. I also assumed that this particular item might be a popular enough seller that it would be easily found on his register. See what happens when u stereotype others and make assumptions? Also, I'm a pretty wordy person but I underestimated the complicated differences between the crunchy taco and the hard taco. I did not know taco bell only serves hard tacos or soft tacos. Ordering a crunchy taco (which is how it is on the menu board btw) is a special order that requires manager approval. Good times right there.

Anyways, we're just getting settled at the rv resort so I'm gonna go. Have a great thanksgiving!

Sent from my iPhone

How did that get there!?!?

I can't even begin to tell you how much I love my roomies. They are phenomenal, kind, happy, sweet, nice, overall GOOD GIRLS... That being said, I have NO IDEA what they think of me.

With fear and trepidation, Melissa came to me this evening to inform me of the bad news. I prepare for her to tell me she's moving out. She's fatally injured the dog. She's lost her job. Something tragic, ya know!? Uhhhh, Noooo - She has accidentally dropped a piece of meat on the side of the oven. You know, that side that is wedged tight against the kitchen cabinetry. What should she do?

I find this hilarious... Here I am worried about all this serious stuff. Did she think I would yell at her? Kick her out? ha!

My answer?? "Okaaay, why don't you get it out so it doesn't stink..."

As I mentioned in a prior blog, I'm the fixer around here. I don't know how it happened, but somewhere I earned a reputation for being able to do ANYTHING! After many blank stares, I suggest we get a wire hanger and unwrap it and just poke it and pull it out. Seems obvious enough.

Now here's where the story gets good. Our house was built in the 80's sometime and it has older appliances. The oven doesn't seemed to have been moved much. As we are crouching down and poking around for this rogue piece of beef, I happen to get a little LOWER and low and behold... there is a cornucopia of color down there. Like a fabric store. Or a yarn factory. or the cat toy isle at Petsmart. Yeah, that's right - Cat Toys. SO MANY CAT TOYS.

Everyone is down on their hands and knees saying WOW and WTF and HUH and then everyone just gets up and walks away. Am I the only one who is bothered by this? Apparently so. So at 10pm I start my determined yet magical journey to pull this oven out and get these cat toys!

After I pull the oven out, I realize I could have just taken the little faux drawer off the front. (Jesus Christ, you're kidding me...) Then I realized I have pulled off some sort of vent. (Mother fucking unbelievable...) It's okay, it's okay. I cleaned all under there and put the oven back. Got my duct tape and resealed the vent onto its proper place and I feel really good that everything is perfect again in my world.

Total tally for under the oven?

1 golf ball
3 beer bottle caps
5 milk carton tops
19 cat toys. (yes, nineteen)

What the fuck was going on under my oven !?!?!?

I of course got over it and threw everything away, but I think the thing that gets me the most is everyone else's reaction TO ME. They kept saying, that stuff really bothered you didn't it? You just had to get it didn't you?

Wouldn't it bother you? I guess I just don't feel comfortable leaving 2 dozen FABRIC toys under something that's sole purpose involves FIRE. I know it's a stretch, but that's seems unsafe somehow. And it's dirty so I wanted to use this as motivation to scrub back there too.

Am I really that strange? Am I the only one who thought that wasn't worth 20 minutes of my time? Would you have just left it there? I'm so scared to believe the answer is yes. That's probably how 20 cat toys wound up there in the first place, and STAYED there!

Sometimes I feel so alone in this world. hahahaha

My Current Aggravation

I am so annoyed right now. Well, not right now RIGHT NOW... but in general. I think most people are ignorant mother fuckers. (Yikes, I'm sounding really mean tonight, aren't I?!)

I'll explain. And 1 more time, I'll see if I can't explain my neurosis down to the most minute detail until I get on your nerves.

So today I take a trip to run errands around town. For those of you who don't know, I'm on a canvas bag kick. Have been for years and always try to bring my own bags. I started out at TJ Maxx and got a few things. I had them put my few items into a large canvas bag that I have. Then I went over to Target.

I of course, wasn't planning on purchasing much, but that's what Target does so I had a few more things than I could probably fit in 1 bag. I explained in great and painful detail to the checker that I did not want to waste any plastic bags. To please fill this bag and then shove everything else into a 2nd plastic bag and I don't care how its in there because nothing is breakable/smashable.

1st he hands me a bottle of nail polish from my cart. I said, what is this for? He says, "I thought you might want to keep this out with you. I was like... "No, that's ok, it can go in the bag with the rest of the stuff." This really doesn't have anything to do with the story except to maybe enlighten you that he may not be the sharpest tool in the shed. Who needs to emergency paint their nails at the checkstand or in the car? Most times, the polish can go in the bag I'd think. He later handed me my soda and gum (Which is customary) so I don't understand the polish thing AT ALL!

So, anyways, back to me burning down Target... Oh wait, I think I got ahead of myself there. So as I'm getting my credit card out and processing my payment (early to keep the line moving, thank you!)(*Please read my "I am not slow" rant for further clarification) I look over the counter and see him just using 1 plastic bag for each item. I was like, no no, what are you doing? Please FILL THIS BAG full and then fit everything else into ONE bag! He then takes the individually wrapped items I have and puts them in 1 big bag. SIGH. Why would you individually wrap a mop head or a bottle of advil?

I swear to god, I'm going to come unglued one day. 1 wrong set of circumstances and I'm going to lose it in public. Just fucking lose my mind. I don't know what I'll do, but I'm positive it will involve the looney bin and possibly some sort of conservator of my estate... LOL

Take a second to review one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies. This guy totally loses it and I LOVE IT! This makes me laugh out loud every time I watch it. I just watched it 5 times and I'm still chuckling!


I think the problem isn't so much that people don't think about this stuff, or even that they don't care, but it's really a big "FUCK YOU" to me... because I stopped everything to explain what my bagging expectations were and they SO did not happen. So instead of 1 plastic bag, I came home with SIX bags. SIGH.

And yes, yes, I know - what a horrible life I have where the worst thing to happen to me in ages is when an incompetent cashier at Target uses too many plastic bags... or I see a bad commercial on TV - I KNOW. But that's what I was inspired to write about and you can all be glad it wasn't another rant about toilet paper!