Taming my ego...

Now, I know I keep talking about exercise, but that was really just the catalyst to some emotional understanding, so bear with me.
Normally I avoid doing anything that I can't win at. I'm a very determined (nearly obsessive) and competitive person. I'm a perfectionist and hard on myself. Choosing this running thing is really testing me because I've had the realization that I will never win at it. I am not and never will be a contender. So do I stick with it? What is the point, really?

The run club that I've joined meets 6 days a week. On the weekends we do long runs and on Wednesdays at a local high school track for what they call speed work. Speed Work is a group of people RACING the following: 

*) Run 1 mile to warm up
*) Run 800 meters (Rest 90 sec)
*) Run 600 meters (Rest 90 sec)
*) Run 500 meters (Rest 90 sec)
*) Run 400 meters (Rest 90 sec)
*) Run 300 meters (Rest 90 sec)
*) Cool down (like 1/2 a mile)

That whole process takes about an hour. It's at 6pm which is about 100 degrees outside and it's miserable for everyone.

Yet, no matter how many people show up, I am dead last EVERY round, EVERY time.

60 year old men are lapping me and patting me on the back and saying "Good job kid, good job" which I feel is completely humiliating and patronized and awful! I have never been so embarrassed and discouraged in all my life. I turn red and I gasp for air and 90 seconds is not near enough time to recover my breath or my dignity. The tears well up in my eyes and it is nearly defeating. NEARLY. I don't know what makes me keep walking back out to that start line.

So, seriously, what the hell is going on out there?
What information am I to glean from these experiences?
Do I keep going knowing I'm hopelessly slow?
Why am I doing this?

I honestly feel like these are passionate gracious people who are simply tolerating my participation. Like how you would let a "challenged" child play on your team out of kindness even though they really offer ZERO contribution to the actual game.

I don't have any answers. I think at this point, my only resolve is to TRY and look at this differently. The ONLY thread I have is that I'm there. I'm doing it week after week. I'm doing the best I can.

That's it. That's all I've got.

Same Sh*t, Different Day

But oddly enough, I'm okay with it. I just really really hate being a one-track record. Isn't that weird? I'm more concerned with people thinking I'm boring or uneven than I am about my own feelings about my life.

Truth is, I'm very focused right now and I like it. I actually have a huge insurmountable goal ahead of me that I don't think I can do, which pretty much has guaranteed I'm going to do whatever it takes to make sure I can do it!  Did that make sense?

I've told you all over and over again I'm a nervous person. Pushing myself to go out and do new things is draining because it requires a very strong self-talk! So when I can focus on some future event and fall into a pretty rigorous routine - I LIKE IT - It's good for me.

So what's this goal you say? I want to call myself a runner! You thought I was going to say it was running the half-marathon November 7th (Put it in your calendars please, I want you there with a big sign. EXTRA glittery!) didn't you? The actual marathon isn't the goal though. That's just the time frame I've given myself to FEEL like I'm a runner.

What does being a runner feel like? I don't know!
*Does it mean having expensive gear? Got that! (this is not a poor mans sport, jesus christ!)
*Does it mean running a certain number of miles per week? I'm doing at least 15 right now.
*Does it mean eating and stretching and dreaming and talking about it? Doing that too. (Sorry guys)
*Does it mean joining a running club and surrounding yourself with other people more passionate than you? Boy howdy did I pick a crazy and practically infamous running club.
*Does it mean entering competitive races? Did my 1st one July 4th and was able to beat my goal time which was very exciting.

Yeah, still not feeling it.

I got knocked down by my doctor who informed me I have environmentally induced asthma! No wonder all this work is still HARD! I'm on inhaler after inhaler too. UGH I hate taking medicine. But I'm stubborn and I've made my mind up this is what I'm going to do god dammit and I'm going to do it!

So that's what I do... I get up, I go to work, I go run/exercise/weight train, I meet with my running club, I try to nibble on something healthy and then fall asleep and start the whole process over.

Did you know today was my birthday? What did I do, you ask? I kept my 7:30pm training appointment, that's what I did! WHY? Because I could be out and eating and drinking, but the real gift to myself is one of health of peace of mind that I'm doing everything I can to accomplish my one big huge insurmountable goal! YAY ME!

Next blog... Taming the ego!

The Golden Boy

What's it like? What's it like to be spoiled rotten? Some people may think my life was something to be fancied. Yeah, we lived in a nice house. So what, I had a pony. Maybe we had the RV's and the houseboat and the speed boat and the jet skis. Possibly you heard we traveled around the country for weeks at a time. Okay, I admit, we lived WELL.

But no.

My bitterness and jealousy can be checked by NO ONE.

I don't even think I can name the WORK I did. Everything from pouring cement to digging ditches. Juicing 75 lb bags of carrots for an ailing mother dying of a brain tumor (she lived) to caring for a baby that wasn't mine. (15 yrs my junior brother) From delivering firewood to painting fences. Removing wallpaper to raking up the the fallen leaves of nearly TWO HUNDRED trees. There was no mercy. There was no cable. There was no prom, no music, no football games. I was denied after school participation in Forensics. (Not dead bodies, but debate! NERD STUFF!) Denied when I was IN school that is. I gave up my freshmen and senior year to home studies so I could serve the needs of my family. Oh and do not doubt for a second... through all of that, I brought home straight A's. I worked part time caring for my ailing grandparents. Did everything I could to prove myself a good and worthy person.

Then enter THE GOLDEN BOY. That sweet curly headed boy. The boy who does whatever the fuck he wants to and gets rewarded for simply existing. He's brought home bad grades. He's had some "incidents" with the law. He's fully enveloped in teenage angst and apathy. Yet, he's the GOLDEN BOY.

I want good for him. Hell, I want the BEST for him. BUT some days I think he needs to fucking earn it. Pay his dues like I PAID. I don't know why I fight for him. Mom says it's because I'm fighting for myself. She's probably right.

Drive a brand new car? Live in the city in a mansion across the street from the school and your after school robotics program? Have a cell phone? Get a brand new iPod touch? Take out of town trips with the school? Play your video games and have your friends over? I die a little inside every time I hear about it.

Do you know I got yelled out for reading too much? For always having my nose buried in a book and not watching where we were driving? I begged to go to school on time even when it was foggy day schedule! I ditched class to go to OTHER classes!

REALLY? Yeah, really.

Carry on with your bad self, but steer clear of me. My vitriol and jealousy knows no bounds.

I'm tired...

I love blogging. I love telling everyone my most personal thoughts and feelings and really putting myself out there for whatever.

Then I get struck right in the eyes with an overwhelming desire to go hide! Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. Really feeling the urge to regroup - again.

Sometimes I think people care a lot more about mundane things than they really do. Like, while I waffle between working out and/or never eating again and maybe sleeping for the next 5 years until circumstances change, do you know what I have to deal with?

Yup, a roommate that occasionally grieves me with her decisions. Like it's bad enough that we have 2 irons and 2 ironing boards (can't we just fucking share?) but she keeps her iron on the kitchen counter and irons her clothes there on the wood countertop. I don't know if I want to live anymore. This is unfathomable suffering for me.

So, on that note, I'll take my leave again. Be good, I'll be back :)

Wha? Where have I been?

I don't know. I've been busy! Here I set all these New Years resolutions which take a lot of time. Can you ever forgive me?

My mind has been working though. I have all these things I want to say, but they deserve more than half ass paragraphs.

#3 on my resolutions was to read 2 books.

I have my 2 books all picked out. I'm 1/2 way through the 1st one.  Change your thoughts, change your life - Living the wisdom of the Tao by Wayne Dyer. WOW I Love this book. Don't you remember me quoting the 29th Verse of the Tao every few months. Little known fact maybe...? I read that verse every day. EVERY DAY.

My 2nd book? I haven't bought it yet, but I'm so excited to renew my passion for healthy eating and compassionate eating. I've decided my next purchase will be Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer. Every person I encounter asks me WHY? I have this long complicated answer but secretly I roll the windows down when I drive past Famous Dave's. I may catch a morsel of bacon or pepperoni juice in a shared meal and I savor it. I dream about sleeping in and eating an entire bed of chicken strips and then I wake up and say WHY AM I DOING THIS? I'm wrapping up my 7th year of vegetarianism right now and I need to put some energy into this path I'm on and make sure it's still the right one for me.

Guess that's kinda heavy, right? Well, I told you I've been busy! I'll keep you posted :)

I'm still going to the gym, but I also like to not deny myself so here's a picture of me eating a toffee bar, a lemon bar, and a Mtn Dew for lunch last week. My stomach did hurt, but that's okay! Oh yeah, I texted this pic to my trainer too in case you were curious! Full disclosure!

The strangest thing just happened...

Well, actually it wasn't even close to THE strangest - I seem to attract STRANGE things... However, here's a little story for you.

----------
As a side note, you should know, I'm a pretty chatty person. I smile and talk and make eye contact and say my please and thank you's and the whole bit. The store is kinda a big deal for me. I like the cashiers to know me and me to know them. It may be a chain store, but it's LOCAL - it's MINE and that's what I do...
------------


A couple weeks ago I had to stop at the store and pick up a few ingredients and a couple bottles of wine from the grocery store for a potluck dinner I was going to later that evening.

As my stuff was being scanned, something happened with the cashier (NOT ON PURPOSE) and my bottle of La Crema fell over and the bottom of the bottle broke off! OMG WINE EVERYWHERE!

How do you think this situation worked out? What would be your reaction? There would be "A REACTION" right?

Ummmm, NO!

It was SOOO weird! She just picked up a rag, a small rag, and sort of blotted up a little bit. All the while my cheese and ranch seasoning and bread are being demolished. So I'm picking stuff up and it's dripping wine and the guy behind me in line and I are talking, I'm talking to the cashier, the bag boy... EVERYONE.

The entire... ENTIRE... E N T I R E  cleaning process, replacement of my tarnished products process, checkout process, and albeit "one sided" conversation clear through me signing the receipt she did not make eye contact, answer my questions, respond to my banter, or even acknowledge my existence. IT WAS FUCKING BIZARRE... !!!!!

I know it wasn't her fault - it's not like I expected her to say "I'm sorry" or anything, but possibly an "Oooops" or "Oh my gosh" or "Wow, I'm tired will this day ever end" or SOMETHING... RIGHT?  Wouldn't you say SOMETHING?!

Okay, upon review this was a lame story... but I found it to be so crazy!  I think I need to get out more.

Hey Hey! Look at me, I want in!

The word passion is a funny word. For all intents and purposes, I'd like to classify myself as a passionate person. There is an intensity deep inside me. How I talk and how I eat and how I work ebbs energy and desire. (NO, not in a sexual way!) I guess I shouldn't be talking about myself like that - makes me seem special which I wasn't trying to do.

Mostly, I'm writing because this passion, this intensity, this energy is like a drug. I can't get enough of it. I love being around people who are equally as passionate about what they do.  No one has an endless supply of energy - you have to do things and surround yourself with people that refuel you.

Here's my problem: I WANT IN. You like what you do? I want to do that too!

When I watched people running by my house in the Two-Cities Marathon, there was cheering and camaraderie and a goal and a reward and god-dammit I want to run a marathon!! I saw them in the throws of near death. I have 53% lung capacity. I haven't run since 4th grade. BUT WHEN I SAW the commitment, the excitement, the PASSION all I could think was "I should start training!" I went and bought running shoes. I hired a trainer at the gym. Isn't this ridiculous?

There's so much good in this world and sometimes we don't know it until a friend shows us the way. I just can't shake the thought that if someone else loves something, maybe I'll love it too! Am I missing out on something?

I know someone online who likes to knit. Most of what she talks about involves yarn and dyeing yarn and meeting with groups to knit together. If you see her at a dj event or a concert or even a grocery store checkout, she's knitting. There's no denying her passion for this venture. I WANT TO DO THAT TOO!! Maybe you don't know this, but my grandma taught me how to crochet. I have a blanket half done in my closet? Do you know I dug that sucker out and I have set myself a goal of finishing it by spring time???

Truthfully, sometimes I think I need an intervention. I just keep dividing myself and dividing myself until I'm doing 10 millions things. I'm chasing that high. I want to eat and talk and sleep and watch TV and cook and sit and blink and do EVERYTHING at level 10.

There is another woman I've met who is well spoken and funny and kind. Her passion? Rescue dogs. She fosters dogs, helps out at the shelters, and lives and breathes finding these pups good homes. I work 12 hours a day, I'm training to be a runner, and trying to crochet a blanket. Shouldn't I foster a dog too? I WANT IN! Who loves their dog more than me? Shouldn't I spend weekends doing that?

~HELP ME~

I already have 2 blogs, a cooking show, a full time job, and a family that gets about zero of my attentions... STOP ME! When you divide and take on more and more, you can do a lot of varied things, but you can't do them well. It saddens me to know that by trying all these new things, I'm essentially giving up the option of being the best at any one thing.

Does anyone else experience this? What's it like to find one thing that you love and perfecting what you do?

Holiday Deconstruction

Before I say ANYTHING, let me show you the one thing that makes me smile EVERY TIME! This is HarMar snuggling in my warming blanket. AWWWWW

Okay, so I lied. This really doesn't have anything to do with the holidays. You can't miss something you've never done. I don't have all these mushy feelings about family and tradition. I'm a vegetarian so I don't even miss eating the food, but still I start to breakdown towards year end.

I see people planning parties, making effort to get together, dressing cute to attend gatherings, cooking, going out of their way to extend kindness, and that's when it starts to eat at me.

I'm lonely.

I feel empty.

I have no place to go. Nothing to do. I just sit here by myself and imagine this is what it's like to be the last person on earth. The stores are closed. There's no one outside. I can't call anyone to do anything, aaaaannnnddddd, that's when I cry and feel bad for myself.  Sure I could go to my parents, but it's not the same. We'd just sit there and watch TV and I'd rather lay on MY couch and nap than try to foce an interaction just to prove to myself I'm not the last person on earth.

I shouldn't even be writing this. Now you guys will call and give me the pity invite to your house. That's not the point either and I won't be attending, so save your breath. Sigh.

It's hard too because I can't shut my brain off. I start reflecting on the past year and pondering what the next year will bring me and it tailspins. Did I accomplish everything I wanted to this year? Where will I be next year? Are my expectations realistic? Have I made big enough personal growth? How can I lose these last pesky 15 pounds? Why are things so hard sometimes? UGH!

On second thought, don't read this, it's just depressing. BUT, if you thought you noticed I was in a funk, yeah I am. Just go on about your business. I'll snap out of it, I promise.

You know what else helps? Nature! Driving around Woodward Lakes is like getting my 1st lesson in COLOR! Just LOOK! WOW - even this picture makes me feel better already!

The Lone Sock

I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind.

Look at this picture!

LOOK AT IT!!
If this were your sock, exactly how many days would you walk over it...? around it...? by it...?

We're on day 6 ladies and gentlemen.

SIX DAYS!

That's approximately 15 times each person in this household would have crossed paths with the lonely Hanes.

Just so you know, you can bet the coming tribulation on the fact that this is not my sock. Ever met a person on the edge? That's me - I'm at my limit. It's all these little things. It's not the working 12 hours a day. It's not the family issues and money woe. It's the lunacy that is knowing people can exist in a world where they can just check out and walk over this stupid sock! Personally, I feel this is very unfair to me. What are my options here?

(1) I pick up the sock, walk around and ask everyone, "Is this your sock?" and handle it for them
(2) I don't pick up the sock and step over it like the rest of them while very unceremoniously liquifying my internal organs
(3) Set fire to the house and just make it all just "go away"

So far, I've opted for Option 2. I'll keep you posted.

Do people eat like this?

I cook a lot, but sometimes I just like an antipasto plate for dinner. Do other people do that? (Better question: do other people take a picture of just about every meal they eat? ha ha)

Here's my dinner from Sunday night:


I cut up an heirloom tomato with mozzarella, fresh cracked pepper and salt, garlic olive oil, and balsamic glaze with basil. Then I had some couscous with arugula and a sliced avocado with olive oil, lemon, garlic, and tobasco.

For me, the above = HEAVEN!

What do regular people eat? Spaghetti? Fast Food? For a while I was going over to my parents and cooking dinner and my dad made a comment along the lines of "the food you cook isn't normal..." Don't get me wrong, he loved it and ate all of it, but it got me thinking - what is normal? Hamburgers? BBQ? I honestly don't know.

Failed Apology or New Beginning?

So, I've been vague lately and truth be told I'm ALL OF THE ABOVE. I'm tired, sure, conflicted, energized, and confused all at once.

If you are new here, back story is this:
• In December I wrote THIS about my biological father.
• In May he reminded me that some things never change when I took THIS phone call.
• In July my story was told at ViolenceUnsilenced.com and I felt like I finally had my answer.

Then last week he called and wanted me to go to lunch with him. I avoided... He was sarcastic with me about avoiding him and I decided it was time to tell him what was really going on... I told him... told him how I felt... told him why I didn't want to see him... Told him in explicit painstaking detail the who what where when and why and it didn't even phase him... A normal person would have been brought to their knees and yet HE MADE EXCUSES.

You see, what I don't understand is what it's like to be a parent and be concerned for your child (I don't have to understand shit)
You see, he's a good person, a follower of christ (Don't play on my people pleasing fault and DO NOT MAKE THIS ABOUT THE BIBLE... PLEASE)
You see, the bible says no one is perfect (Last time I checked NO ONE was perfect but had never spoken to me, treated me, or hurt me like he has)
You see, he feels like I've always been embarrassed of him and thought he was stupid and that I WAS AN INTELLECTUAL and better than him (Do NOT capitalize on my guilt for finally deciding to fight for myself to protect myself)
You see, I've incorrectly built up a wall that he just doesn't know what to do about. (Ummm, fucking duh...)
You see, he's just gonna "put the ball in my court" if I want to see him again.
And I made my peace... Peace that I made the right decision because I finally spoke my truth and gave him the chance to hear and he chose not to.

AND THEN TODAY... These came:


What the hell am I supposed to do with THAT?

My mom says to revel in the moment, but that I'm under no obligation to do anything but smell the roses.
My friend says to appreciate the nice gesture.
My gut says that you can't have a new beginning without an apology for the past FIRST.
My heart says it hurts and I cried.
My mind wished he would've just stayed an asshole so the decision to keep him out of my life would be an easy one.

Now what do I do? Call? Be willing to pursue a relationship? UGH, I'm at my limit. MY LIMIT. THE EDGE...

So miss wonderful universe... my precious mother earth... what say you now? I am officially a lost soul desperately looking for an answer that no one can give.

Well, this post is overly revealing, contradictory, and dumb... But here goes...

Yesterday I discovered a NEW feeling... that I was "too connected." Upon further inspection though, I realized actually, I'm a terrible friend and the word connected isn't right. What I actually am is too digitally AVAILABLE. I have a MySpace, a FaceBook, email, twitter, a blog, and an iPhone. There is no moment I'm not just READY to either put my most personal thoughts and feelings out there or to receive your call or text or comment or an @reply.

Plus there's this other thing. I have this abandonment issue and I hate burning bridges so I hang onto things too long. People that suddenly stop talking to me, I think about EVERY DAY WHY? Ex love interests. Friends from 20 years ago. Why am I still holding onto all these things that never made the cut?

Well enough of that!

I went through all my pictures and DELETED things I don't NEED to remember. I DELETED contacts from my phone of people I don't NEED to contact again.. I DELETED my MySpace. There is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I can let go. Normally these things would cause me anxiety, but I was suddenly struck with the feeling that I was ready. These are things that I was a part of or almost was, but they are no more and I'm okay with that.

So, being too digitally available and all, I thought I'd post this. HA!

Have you ever had these feelings? I just feel like people are always watching me. Always judging me. Always looking for fault. Sometimes it's okay to just put your phone on airlane mode or go for a walk or not respond immediately. Sometimes it's ok to keep to yourself, have a glass of wine, and watch TV and not go desperately looking for friends and a party.

That's where I am right now. Where are you?

Part 1 - The Bravery...

Well, this last weekend proved to be insanely busy and quite wonderful, but first shall we take a journey?

Truth be told, I'm a chronic doubter of myself, which is funny (OK not funny) because typing it out just sounds ridiculous. Doing new things though usually leaves me crippled with fear. What if I don't know what to say? What if I wear the wrong outfit? What if my sarcasm is taken wrong? What if I know someone but I don't remember their name and they hate me? What if... what if... what if...??

Maybe I have no self-perception? This is kinda untrue as I'm pretty introspective and spend the majority of my time in my head, but also kinda very true because when people tell me how they perceive me, I never see it coming. Like if you locked me in a room and said, write down everything you think I'm thinking, I probably wouldn't come up with it. Damn you people are strange and unpredictable. Which is also funny because 99% of the time all I have to do is be within 5 feet of you and I will feel in my stomach whether we can be friends or not.

Usually when I first meet someone, I'm pretty much a dud. I sit and I watch and I listen. How do you talk? What do you think is funny? I watch how you blink and how you segue and how you move your hands when you talk and how you raise your eyebrows. I notice your shoes. I smell you. I fully envelope myself in you. Now you think I'm a total stalker. I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!

I just want to know how I'm supposed to be. Its like learning the steps to a newly choreographed dance. Should I be excited or quiet? Do you need to be the center of attention? What are your motivations? Are you religious? What's your favorite drink? What type of music do you listen to? What are you passionate about? You know, all the standard things you need to know when you are trying to assimilate someone. JUST KIDDING!

Maybe you never see it...? Maybe you think I'm funny and talkative and happy and smart...? God only knows... BUT anyways... enough about that!

Remember, I said we were going on a journey?

I only say all of the above so that you know how much mental effort it takes for me to leave the house. It takes a lot. To overcome that MOUNTAIN of questionable data and still say I had a good weekend is the testament of all time!

Well, in telling you all of my deepest darkest secrets, we've completed phase 1 of this "journey" and you can now proceed down the long hallway to your right, to MY WEEKEND!

See you tomorrow for Part 2 - The Excited

If bibles were beers and life were one giant party...

Boy oh boy would we have some awkward stories to tell LOL. Actually, this is quite possibly the most perfect illustration of what I feel my current experience is. Some would say it's sacrilege to speak of such things on Easter Sunday. I say it's more like the universes cruel joke on me, but whatever.

I enjoy a good adult beverage now and then, okay probably more now than then, but anyways. I'd say my experience has been that I can have a good time almost anywhere and don't need a drink to tell stupid jokes, laugh really hard, or do whatever else people do while drinking. For whatever reason though, every once in a while I don't feel like drinking. Still having that invite to a party or a gathering or even a bar, I'll go - happy to be out and to see my friends - ready for good jokes and catching up and lots of laughs and even a little gossip, I often find my conversation goes a little like this:

Do you want a drink? Where's your drink? Hey, what are you drinking? Marisa, can I get you a drink? Somebody get this girl a drink!! OH LOOK EVERYONE, Marisa isn't drinking... Are you not drinking for a reason? It's just one drink, shoot you can have just one!! I'll be right back, let me get you a drink! Marisa, where's your drink?

That's about the time I step aside and go get a glass of cranberry juice or Red Bull.

What is it about me not having a goddamn drink that makes everyone so uncomfortable? Why does me holding this fake drink suddenly make it ok? Now let's get this party started! Then we talk and we share and we laugh and the night moves right along and everyone is happy - even me!

SO, if bibles were beers and life were one giant party, I would be the one making you want to crawl out of your skin. Why is my participation so necessary for your experience to be pleasurable? It's not like you can't still talk about it, share with me stuff, and tell me what makes you happy or inspired.

For the majority though, it seems spirituality is no longer a personal journey. We must beat down every door and pound the pavement and rove the bus stations and laundromats and leave no one behind! Okay, I'm in, sign me up... Wait, what?! There's MORE invasive questions? Now it's not even good enough to do that. Suddenly you feel entitled to know all my inner workings... the why. It's not that you want to know why, but so that you can change it once you do find out. It's not even okay for us to do the exact same thing, I also have to do it for the exact same reasons as you?

I'm fighting a losing battle here.

Can't everyone just be okay doing what they do? I don't eat meat, but I don't need you to stop for me to be happy. I honestly am so happy with my iPhone and think the world would be a better place if you all had one, but in reality you don't. Okay... AND? Does that make me enjoy mine less? No! Does that make me uncomfortable? No!

I just want to be left alone. I want time for these wounds to heal. I don't want to play this game anymore. I just want to be real and be accepted for who I am, yet no matter what I do, I can't please everyone. I think everyone should quit putting the weight of their happiness and fulfillment in my hands then because I am going to disappoint you. Sigh.

It's not...

_______________________

You fill in the blank.

I often ask myself what it "is" and I'm unable to answer. I don't know what it is. In fact, I don't much of anything at all. Here's what I do know.

It's not... easy.
It's not... easy to be me.
It's not... simple.
It's not... endearing.
It's not... pleasant.
It's not... admirable.
It's not... ever going to change.
It's not... even close to being over.

What is "it" ???

_______________________

Again, You fill in the blank. It's late and I'm tired and I've had a long day. I'm unable to formulate the words it would take to truly capture it.

Envious Cravings...

Well, I'm sure that title sounds a lot sexier than what I'm actually talking about.

I've essentially typed and then deleted two very long blogs. Actually, though, I love re-reading my blogs because I'm fascinated with the perfect capturing of a moment in time, a moment in my head... and these things even I didn't want to re-read so they had to go bye-bye! They were too long winded and detailed with an overbearing sad desperation. Who needs that!?

Somehow, though, when the right subject strikes me, I HAVE to write about it. I wrestled with telling you stories, with analogies, with timelines, with stories insides stories, yet it wasn't until I laid here in bed that the words came to me.

"I am envious of simplicity, but I crave complexity."

Yup, that's it. Put one more notch in my "contradiction" headboard will ya? I wanted to regale you with information about my deepest thoughts and innerworkings. I had a whole paragraph dedicated to the "Photosynthesis of Sorrow." There were quotes from books and feelings and more, but everything sort of boiled down into that one sentence.

Sometimes I think it’s hard to be me.

*PS - I don't know why this post required a picture of me, but I found the top at Nordstrom Rack this weekend and I think it's super cute, so whatever...

What does this say about me?

It's a collection of my most commonly used words from my blog feed. HA!

You can get your own by clicking HERE!

Eh...

So here's a little about me. I hate being alone. I'm fully capable of being alone and I was raised an only child in the country many miles from civilization and I am MORE than capable of entertaining myself. However, I don't like it. (This doesn't include going to my parents house, I'm sure I could always hang out there)

Anyways, a lot of my friends are pretty free and fancy free. They have an open door policy and you can sorta show up whenever. I refuse to do that. Even if someone says "Yeah, we're going to "blah blah blah" later..." I need them to actually say, "WOULD **YOU** LIKE TO COME?" I will not show up to an open ended invitation. I would so much rather be alone than have someone be ambivalent to whether I showed up or not.

However, people always say, Marisa, if you are feeling low or sad or whatever, CALL US. Lean on your friends. Don't sit at home and be that way. So I call. And I get an "uhhhh, yeah..." REJECTION! I'm reading into it I'm sure. I'm extra sensitive I'm sure. Every reasonable explanation in the book I'm sure.

So... Maybe it's my problem, maybe I'm too sensitive. Or maybe my feelings are hurt because I have NEVER EVER asked for help or told someone "I need you" and I made myself vulnerable to them and I finally did that and .............. nothing.

Rejection is really hard for me to cope with. Sometimes it's perceived rejection. I think a lot of times I prefer to text because then there's a distance there. Then it doesn't "sting" so much when the rejection comes.

Eh. So I put it all back in perspective now. I'm okay being alone. I'm finding a way to turn off all that "NEED" that I have. So there ya go, that's a little bit about me.

A collection of Letters I've been meaning to write for a while...

#1...

Dear 'strange woman who looks like a man that has a mustache and drives a shitty KIA'

Did no one explain to you what cruise control is? It is nearly impossible to drive circles around my car while I've been going a steady 85 mph in the same direction for the last 135 miles, but somehow you found a way.

Possibly I am being intolerant. Maybe you have some sort of rare right leg only seizure which forces you to slow down to 50 mph and then SPASM and mash down on the gas and leap up to 100 mph, careening across traffic while spastically changing lanes as we all hold on for dear life? I shouldn't judge you.

Maybe you suffer from multiple personality disorder and this is merely you phasing between Matilda the 90 year old grandma driver and Steve the 'roided out road rage-aholic? Again I judged you, let me apologize. 200 miles and you are still circling me!

OR MAYBE - just maybe... you shouldn't be driving? Since I tried to escape you and you are still right next to me, clearly you are not afraid of me typing a blog on my iPhone and creepily taking pics of your car. Haha.

Either way I have thoroughly entertained myself and burst out laughing every time you FLY by me, so thank you.
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#2

Dear Severely Mentally handicapped lady who speaks only Spanish, but has my cell # on speed dial...

I have been trying so hard to come up with an explanation as to why you call me at all hours of the day and night. Over and over and over again. From different numbers, but I know it's you. At 8 am and 4 pm and 2 am...

Who exactly is Inara? And exactly how many times do you need to call before you actually understand this is not the person you are trying to reach?

I assumed you spoke Spanish, but my cries of "El numero es no bueno" have fallen on deaf ears and were only answered by another "...Inara?" Did I misunderstand something?

What part of my voice mail stating my name and speaking in English makes you think Inara will soon be returning your call?

Seriously... if you have this much of a deficit, how are you holding a job to pay for your cell phone? Someone? Anyone? HELP! We're talking no less than 100 calls over the last year.

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#3

Dear crazy lady who runs around the lake (rain, fog, sleet, darkness... nothing stops you) about 35 times a day who has a limp and is clearly not enjoying herself...

I admire your consistency, but what is your story?

I imagine you were in some sort of debilitating accident... something that left you damaged - maybe you thought you would never walk again... and now you run. You run that crazy curly hair flying but 1 leg is stiff run. I see you no matter what time I leave the house and I.AM.FASCINATED...!

MAYBE you were fat and had gastric bypass and lost all the weight, but your obsession with food has turned into some sort of compulsive exercise disorder!? And now you fear you will gain it all back if you don't RUN... RUN LIKE THE WIND... 24 hours a day...

Or MAYBE... you are just crazy... Cuz, goddamn you have never not been outside running... OMG STOP IT!

So when did this happen?

Ha Ha Ha... You know CNN is pretty good about this. They let me know when we were in a “Slow Down”... They told me their predictions for the presidency... Hell, they even let me know Charles Barkley got a DUI this week... But they failed to mention that the earth fell off its axis and sent us hurtling through space all upside down and shit! Way to miss your big break CNN.com - Not cool!

So when did this happen? I think it’s the new year. I don’t put a lot of importance in the holidays and that stuff, but that last week after Christmas I start spinning. I get all reflective about the past year and start thinking about the future. I don’t do good without a goal or something to focus on. Oddly enough, it’s usually not a very tangible goal like losing weight or buying a new car - It’s mostly some sort of private personal betterment, which I won’t share although I seem to share everything anyways.

I really surprised myself with my last post. All that end of year reflection sent me down a path I wasn’t ready for. I never wanted to be a victim of my childhood and I think a lot of people are. I want to grow and learn and understand why I am who I am - and if I don’t like some of it, then change it and get better, but those memories I never seemed to dwell on. Oh sure, over the years I’ve thrown out a few “Oh yeah, well my dad used to lock me in the car and go bar hopping” conversation stoppers, quickly followed by an awkward laugh and a “But I don’t talk to him anymore, so whatever” finale... But to read it... All pretty and paragraphed and punctuated... all in a neat little time line of disfunction - I thought, what does a person learn from THAT? It was heavy for me - I mean, I’ve always known those experiences were “uncool” but whoa...

So, I found myself at the bitter end of 2008... New Years Eve... crying uncontrollably in the arms of a VERY startled friend who had NO IDEA where all of that emotion came from... and I just kept saying “Where is the ground? I’m spinning and I don’t know which way is up!” And while having drank my fair share, this wasn’t THE world spinning, this was MY world spinning. And as we talked and he talked, he shared with me his own spin, which surprised me. I honestly thought I was the only one - how conceited of me I guess... (PS - thank you my dear friend for not leaving me as I expect most people will and hopefully you will make a full recovery from the onslaught of all my deepest fears and emotions)

Then yesterday I had the most amazing conversation with one of my most beloved friends and I’m now sure we are the same person. And after hearing her own “Out of Nowhere” New Years Eve sobfest, she says to me Marisa, I’m upside down, I’m spinning - and that’s when I knew it was time to write CNN a letter and ask them how they failed to mention that our earths 23 1/2 degree tilt was SOO 2008 and that gravity was a thing of the past and we were all destined to float around flailing and trying to right ourselves. Ha Ha Ha. Actually, I’m an awkward joke maker, sorry.

SO, here’s what’s good. People are good. My friends are good. And everyone has a story, but what matters is finding those few you can share those stories with. I’m ending 2008 with a new understanding of myself and certainly a DEEP appreciation for the people I have in my life. And then, BAM, I got it - instead of bemoaning my past and all of us separate and floating around aimlessly - THIS was the moment... All of my “Why is life like this? How do we change this? How do I stop the spinning?” questions and statements were missing the point.

I have this little corner in my room I sit at:

and in the center is a book of quotes. And I suppose I should change it up, but actually I just re-read the same one every day. That quote is:

You cannot, and will not,
encounter a circumstance,
or a single moment, that
does not serve directly and
immediately the need of your
soul to come to wholeness,
to heal. (Gary Zukav)

And at that moment I knew everything had to be just as it was. That what mattered was not all this THINKING and reflecting, but there, in “that moment” was what I needed. My friends. We were there for each other when it mattered most and I think my troubled little soul did take a step closer to wholeness.