Everybody hates that girl...

You know that girl..? The one who picks apart every detail of her body? Who stares in the mirror and pokes and pinches and prods at herself? The one who bitches and moans and apologizes about the size of her jeans or a double chin, but does absolutely NOTHING about it?

Yeah, I hate that girl! Everybody hates that girl!

Unfortunately, I was that girl. I never really considered myself fat, but I was just about busting out of a size 10 at one point. I can admit it - at my heaviest ever I weighed 142 lbs. Granted I'm 5'7" so it's not the end of the world, but I certainly wasn't happy. I'll show you pictures to prove it. NEVER BEFORE SEEN UNFLATTERING PICTURES.

Yeah, those suck... Looking at those fills me with shame. Hours I stared at and hated myself. Lusted after skinny girls in magazines. Destroyed photos. Avoided bathing suits like the plague. Know what I did about it? Not a goddamn thing! I ATE... I DRANK... I sat on my large ass and watched TV and I blah blah blah'd about it.

Then thanks to a very stressful time in my life (layoffs, paycuts, moves, breakups, religion, woe, etc) I lost 25 lbs! Know what's funny? Nothing changed. I looked pretty darn good, but STILL I hated parts of me.

Everyone hates THAT girl too.

Then I gained 10lbs of that 25 BACK! ACK! WAKE UP CALL! Truth is I wasn't healthy. I wasn't exercising, I was eating all the time (HEY EVERYONE KNOWS I LIVE AND BREATH FOOD RIGHT?) I was drinking 100+ oz of Mtn Dew every day. I got bad news at the doctors office that I only had 53% lung capacity. I was a mess and it finally dawned on me I had to do something about it!

I wanna love my body because I earned it. I wanna be proud of my efforts. I wanna be able to breath and do stuff without being winded. I don't want to get the beginnings of a cold and have it turn instantly into bronchitis or something lung related.

Plus, in looking back on my 30+ years, you know what? You only get older. You only get fatter. Exercising and losing weight and changing habits only gets HARDER!

I work in an industry where our main client demographic is 70+. Some I see with their oxygen tanks and their canes and their pills and their difficult life. Then there are some who are vibrant and active and happy. This contrast has motivated me to start a revolution in my life. I want to set up my future for one of vibrancy and activity and LIFE!

So, why am I eating healthy, and sacrificing oh so yummy junk food, and working out 5 days a week? Certainly not because it's easy, or fun, or inexpensive, or fits in my schedule. CERTAINLY NOT!

So, folks, there you have it. Embarrassing fat pictures and all. That is why I work out and work so hard. That is why I FORCE myself to stick to this path. I may not love it now, but 30 years from now I don't want to look back and say, YOU KNOW, I coulda ate one less candy bar. I coulda skipped 30 minutes of some stupid reality show and went for a jog, but I didn't and now I'm a mess. Yeah, that would be a shame.

Plus, I really want to go to Vegas for my birthday in July and be as hot as humanly possibly in the most inappropriate bathing suit ever made. SO, see you at the gym tomorrow? YEP, I'll be there!

Wha? Where have I been?

I don't know. I've been busy! Here I set all these New Years resolutions which take a lot of time. Can you ever forgive me?

My mind has been working though. I have all these things I want to say, but they deserve more than half ass paragraphs.

#3 on my resolutions was to read 2 books.

I have my 2 books all picked out. I'm 1/2 way through the 1st one.  Change your thoughts, change your life - Living the wisdom of the Tao by Wayne Dyer. WOW I Love this book. Don't you remember me quoting the 29th Verse of the Tao every few months. Little known fact maybe...? I read that verse every day. EVERY DAY.

My 2nd book? I haven't bought it yet, but I'm so excited to renew my passion for healthy eating and compassionate eating. I've decided my next purchase will be Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer. Every person I encounter asks me WHY? I have this long complicated answer but secretly I roll the windows down when I drive past Famous Dave's. I may catch a morsel of bacon or pepperoni juice in a shared meal and I savor it. I dream about sleeping in and eating an entire bed of chicken strips and then I wake up and say WHY AM I DOING THIS? I'm wrapping up my 7th year of vegetarianism right now and I need to put some energy into this path I'm on and make sure it's still the right one for me.

Guess that's kinda heavy, right? Well, I told you I've been busy! I'll keep you posted :)

I'm still going to the gym, but I also like to not deny myself so here's a picture of me eating a toffee bar, a lemon bar, and a Mtn Dew for lunch last week. My stomach did hurt, but that's okay! Oh yeah, I texted this pic to my trainer too in case you were curious! Full disclosure!

Thank you universe, for being so damn consistent

Wow, oh how we are destined to repeat ourselves! Seems I'm a bit predictable. I was just reading the Tao and thinking, didn't I write a blog about the 29th Verse? Just searched for it - yup, sure did in AUGUST 2008! How funny that almost exactly one year later I find myself back in a similar place. Hrrrmmmmm Wierd.

I feel like I'm having a bit of a melt down. Maybe that's too personal, I don't know and I don't care. Just trying to learn and to grow.

2 things I've picked up about myself.

1) When in times of distress, I tend to turn on my heel and do the opposite... some really extreme stuff. This is the first time in my life where I've been able to calm down enough to recognize that and actually force myself to stay in the house! May seem like I'm avoiding my friends or doing something bad, but truth is, it's just what I need for me.

2) I've found that my most successful steps towards true personal growth have only been taken during times of solitude. I need that. It's hard on me, but I need it.

So thank you all for hanging in there with me while I sort out these things and allow them to happen at their own pace.

Here's the 29th verse should you feel the need to zen out or at least see where I'm trying to be right now.

Allow your life to unfold naturally.
Know that it too is a vessel of perfection.
Just as you breathe in and breathe out,
there is a time for being ahead
and a time for being behind;
a time for being in motion
and time for being at rest;
a time for being vigorous
and a time for being exhausted;
a time for being safe
and a time for being in danger.

To the sage all of life is a movement toward perfection,
so what need has he
for the excessive, the extravagant, or the extreme?

Well, this post is overly revealing, contradictory, and dumb... But here goes...

Yesterday I discovered a NEW feeling... that I was "too connected." Upon further inspection though, I realized actually, I'm a terrible friend and the word connected isn't right. What I actually am is too digitally AVAILABLE. I have a MySpace, a FaceBook, email, twitter, a blog, and an iPhone. There is no moment I'm not just READY to either put my most personal thoughts and feelings out there or to receive your call or text or comment or an @reply.

Plus there's this other thing. I have this abandonment issue and I hate burning bridges so I hang onto things too long. People that suddenly stop talking to me, I think about EVERY DAY WHY? Ex love interests. Friends from 20 years ago. Why am I still holding onto all these things that never made the cut?

Well enough of that!

I went through all my pictures and DELETED things I don't NEED to remember. I DELETED contacts from my phone of people I don't NEED to contact again.. I DELETED my MySpace. There is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I can let go. Normally these things would cause me anxiety, but I was suddenly struck with the feeling that I was ready. These are things that I was a part of or almost was, but they are no more and I'm okay with that.

So, being too digitally available and all, I thought I'd post this. HA!

Have you ever had these feelings? I just feel like people are always watching me. Always judging me. Always looking for fault. Sometimes it's okay to just put your phone on airlane mode or go for a walk or not respond immediately. Sometimes it's ok to keep to yourself, have a glass of wine, and watch TV and not go desperately looking for friends and a party.

That's where I am right now. Where are you?

Violence Unsilenced

I don't know if it's incredibly scary or really really brave, but I did something out of character.

I took a subject which (until the end of the year) I had never spoken about and not only published it on my blog, but submitted it to Violence Unsilenced. This was months ago though and I had completely forgotten about it until yesterday when I received an email saying it was my turn to have my story featured. You can go there and read it if you want to.

This all started after I had some very intense and surprising internal reactions to writing this post. Not because I was in denial about it, but because writing it all down at one time, in one place, made it so plain to see that it was something serious. All these years I had brushed it off as not being anything to worry about. Perhaps the individual memories weren't noteworthy, but together they had weight... they were heavy... and WHILE SCARY or possibly really really brave, saying something was the turning point for me!

Blogging and putting yourself out there in a public forum is difficult. You run the risk of people misinterpreting what you say... Of people who don't know you (and actually people who DO know you) judging you... This is my worst fear and yet strangely blogging/writing is SO SO cathartic for me. I take all these heavy thoughts and burdens and I release them to the universe. Plus, for me, I find my biggest motivation in life is to connect and share with others. I probably go about it a bit passive aggressive by blogging, being all quasi anonymous and all... but oh well.

I know what my intention is. I try SO very hard to be the best I can be. To be kind. To be thoughtful. To know I DON'T KNOW the fully story of those that I encounter. To treat others how I want to be treated. Ultimately you can't please everyone, but I keep putting it out there anyways. Sometimes you just gotta take a chance, ya know?

The 29th Verse

Tell me this isn’t just what I needed to read today. For those of you who don’t know, I’ve been on quite the spiritual journey lately. I don’t know. Maybe a journey for inner peace is a better way to word it. So I decided to read the “Tao Te Ching” because I do gravitate a bit towards eastern philosophies. The Tao has 81 simple verses of ancient and divine wisdom. Some are random and then some strike you right between the eyes. That’s what verse 29 did to me.

29th Verse

Do you think you can take over the universe and improve it?
I do not believe it can be done.

Everything under heaven is a sacred vessel and cannot be controlled.
Trying to control leads to ruin.
Trying to grasp, we lose.

Allow your life to unfold naturally.
Know that it too is a vessel of perfection.
Just as you breathe in and breathe out,
there is a time for being ahead
and a time for being behind;
a time for being in motion
and time for being at rest;
a time for being vigorous
and a time for being exhausted;
a time for being safe
and a time for being in danger.

To the sage all of life is a movement toward perfection,
so what need has he
for the excessive, the extravagant, or the extreme?


Tell me that isn’t the heaviest shit you’ve read in a while!!! I take that back, think about ME and then tell me that isn’t dead on everything I’m about. I am ALWAYS trying to take over the universe. To wrestle everything into my little hands. I want to control everything and everyone that comes into my personal space. I’m always desperately grasping at everything. I take no time to rest, I deny my exhaustion, and leave NOTHING to circumstance (or to unfold naturally) I’m 20 miles a minute and 20 years ahead trying to manipulate and plan the entire world. I think many people would say I am MUCH (Excessive) and that I swing from one side to the other like a pendulum (Extreme)

MY GOD - how did Lao-Tzu know me all those ages ago?

It doesn’t really give me an answer to any of this, but I think our true power lies in “awareness”. If there is even ONE MOMENT where I am aware that I am acting like the above and I can stop myself and spare myself the ulcer I must be growing inside from fighting such a monumental and apparently losing battle - then that is powerful.

What do you think? Does anyone even read these?

The laws of attraction...

I just watched Oprah last week... I know, I know, all the men have already stopped reading. I’m fascinated by this principle “The law of Attraction”. I do strongly believe that we are all one with nature and the universe. That the atoms that passed thru our ancestors and the rocky mountains and the dinosaurs and the walls of our homes are what now pass thru us. That we ARE energy.

This law of attraction claims that energy attracts similar energy. Your thoughts and your purpose ARE energy. Therefore what you think attracts back to you what your future will most likely be. Hence, negative thoughts and negative energy bring forth a slightly disappointing and/or negative future.

I don’t want that to happen to me. I want to be thankful for every second that I am awake and alive. I want to LEARN from what bad experiences I am in so they can cease and I can move on. I fear that if we don’t look back on our past and truly thank it for the lessons it has taught us, then we are doomed to receive similar setbacks in the future.

These are things my mother has been saying to me for years and things I’ve always felt and believed. Even WAAY back when, I remember reading her Depak Chopra books and grasping to understand my own inner strength and power.

Staying positive is hard though. It takes great effort to truly center yourself, step back from the situation, and look for the good in things. I wouldn’t say I’m very good at it, and I’m trying to make little mental notes of my hypocritical moments. There are many :( But, I AM GONNA GET THERE! I’m gonna be so damn happy NO ONE will want to even be around me!

I’m hoping to stop by the book store soon and buy some books on this subject. I don’t really want to do it so that I will be a millionaire or be famous or simply get whatever I want without having to work at anything - just so you know! But I do want to use whatever power I have to make sure that I live the most successful and fulfilled life I can.

I sound crazy, don’t I? You can say it if you think so... I’ll only cry a little. LOL