Princess Marisa

So, have you ever heard something you wholeheartedly disagreed with? That upset you! That was wrong! That others misunderstood? That sat with you and ate at you and bothered you until you had the realization that there was probably some truth to it?! Which pissed you off even more because that’s not how you see yourself or think of yourself or who you want to be? Yep....

I consider myself a regular person. A hard worker. Honest. Not entitled. Grateful for the things and the life and luxuries I have. And then I hear what others outside impression of me is, and ouch.

I recently learned that the camp host of an RV Park we frequently stay at recess to me as “princess marisa”... what?! Where does that come from?! I was informed to look at it from her perspective. I have someone call in my reservation. I have people pay for my stay. I have someone drive in my RV & take it out. I mean I kinda get that, but for some reason that statement hurts me. Like I’m some froo froo lady who has everything done for me, that I’m too good for my own good. Is that true? 

I like to think no. I mean we already have someone making group reservations for our other employees, is it my fault I let them make mine too? And yes, someone drives my RV. Trust me, I want nothing more than the strength & independence to drive it, buts it’s not really a beginners coach. I don’t even let my drivers put the slides out, I personally take care of every aspect of setup and teardown. I dump my own tanks. I try super hard to be independent and not a burden to anyone. I’m very well aware that this is not our vehicle, I take meticulous care of it so it remains as “new” as possible for the people who will actually pay money to own it. Is that a princess??

Well, it is a $600,000 Motorhome & I expect it to work. I have access to a Service department to setup, PDI & fix the vehicle. We are exceptionally busy people & it is nice to have people take care of stuff for you like reservations & payments. I do run our transportation department so I have access to drivers. My husband does own the company, so he has the authority to let me make those things happen. 

Maybe it is a little princess ............

***shit***

I’ll just say this: Come on the road with us next time. After you work 30+ days straight, from 9am to 7, 8, 9, 10+ pm every day, sitting in a parking lot, using a porta potty, dealing with the elements (we’re worse than the post office. In spite of rain, sleet, hail, 100* temps) and you have to deal with your banking, your car maintenance, your appointments, your mail, your friends, all from the road & afar... THEN call me a princess to my face... gggrrrrrr

High Function Incapacity

I’m a contradiction.

I’m a mess.

It’s too much to carry all this stress.

Had a moment at work today. Literally thought I was going to hyperventilate and had to get a grip of myself.  If you know me, I want to be perfect, I want to do it all, and as you can imagine that leads to epic failure. 

I’ve got this ailing elderly dog who needs more care and attention than an infant.

I have a job that could suck the life’s blood out of you and still want more. I’m juggling too much.

I want to have a life and have friends and do stuff. 

I want to be holly homemaker and a good friend and send thoughtful gifts and cards and make time to visit.

I want to be skinny and in great shape and be the wife every man dreams of.

After this summer, I don’t even know anymore. People see these epic photos of a life larger than their dreams... we’ve got a rockstar status RV, we have nice clothes, nice cars, take bucket list vacations and I should just shut up, right?!

Well, probably so, but this is my blog and I’m here to tell you... life is still hard. 

Yes we just went to Disneyland. Yes we just spent a week at the beach for a family milestone birthday. Yes we just spent a week in Las Vegas. Yes I just had a friends reunion party at our house for 25 people. Amazing right?! Fun right?! Who do you think plans this stuff? Flights, reservations, hotels, snacks, games, remembers the bandaids and sunscreen and tickets?? All while fielding work calls and prepping for the next big show? Sometimes you have to be weeks and days ahead of yourself so your equipment and clothes get into the right RV to make it to the next place in time.

When you are a founding member of the Cult of Perfection- it becomes near impossible to sort out what’s important and what’s not. I drill down on every minute detail of EVERYTHING to the point of sheer mental exhaustion. They say successful people can suffer from something called “Decision Fatigue”... I’m tapped out by the time I even get in my car to head for work... but accepting any less than lining up every aspect of life seems like failure. Why should I lower my standards? Why should I expect any less than perfection? Maybe because it’s killing me?! Lol!! But NO! 

I don’t know, it’s just a lot.

Losing yourself...

Some days do you ever feel like you’re playing a game of hide and seek with yourself?

When you are, internally by nature, a people pleaser, the easiest option is to “when in Rome” it... but do that too many times and it’s pretty easy to forget if you’re doing some things because you like them or if that’s just what so n so likes. Or do you like it because it quells the anxiety of taking a stand and doing something different? 

Maybe I started typing this before my thoughts have formulated enough? 

What do I like?! Like really like like?!?!

I used to draw. I love colored sharpie markers and elaborate designs.

I used to run. I loved my physique and constant feelings of accomplishment.

I used to do yoga. I loved the connection to something karmic & universal. And the exercise, flexibility & inner peace didn’t hurt either!

I used to blog. Writing has always been cathartic for me. And I’m funny. And I LOVE documenting life. I feel like a gripping, humorous, raw, honest, informative blog is something they should share at your funeral so everyone can catch a glimpse of a decent person living an exceptional life!

I used to read. Voraciously. There’s nothing in life like a good book.

So why don’t I do those things? Not because we’re too busy (although sometimes) but moreso because those things are selfish. They take time alone. Or better yet, they take time away- away from Curt who assigns ZERO value to blogging or reading or running a marathon. And that’s when I say “what do you want to do?” And poof, I’m lost again.

Not sure I have an answer yet. Right when I say it’s all going to change, we leave for another show! Talk a an all encompassing, life changing event...! DERAILED....

But I am working secretly to get there. I’ve been tracking my sleep, cutting back on my caffeine, doing some light exercise, & hopefully, slowly I’ll get to where I can sleep better, wake up more rested, have more energy and a clearer mind to hone in on some time for ME.