Oh my gosh, I've been gone. I've been down. I've been up. I've been all over the place.
Here's a quick recap in pictures.
Starting Thursday, my parents went up to their friends cabin and I got to hang with my brother. It was pretty cool as we don't really spend much time together. Even when I'm there, he's all wrapped up in his phone and his video games, so now he was all mine.
What's it like? What's it like to be spoiled rotten? Some people may think my life was something to be fancied. Yeah, we lived in a nice house. So what, I had a pony. Maybe we had the RV's and the houseboat and the speed boat and the jet skis. Possibly you heard we traveled around the country for weeks at a time. Okay, I admit, we lived WELL.
But no.
My bitterness and jealousy can be checked by NO ONE.
I don't even think I can name the WORK I did. Everything from pouring cement to digging ditches. Juicing 75 lb bags of carrots for an ailing mother dying of a brain tumor (she lived) to caring for a baby that wasn't mine. (15 yrs my junior brother) From delivering firewood to painting fences. Removing wallpaper to raking up the the fallen leaves of nearly TWO HUNDRED trees. There was no mercy. There was no cable. There was no prom, no music, no football games. I was denied after school participation in Forensics. (Not dead bodies, but debate! NERD STUFF!) Denied when I was IN school that is. I gave up my freshmen and senior year to home studies so I could serve the needs of my family. Oh and do not doubt for a second... through all of that, I brought home straight A's. I worked part time caring for my ailing grandparents. Did everything I could to prove myself a good and worthy person.
Then enter THE GOLDEN BOY. That sweet curly headed boy. The boy who does whatever the fuck he wants to and gets rewarded for simply existing. He's brought home bad grades. He's had some "incidents" with the law. He's fully enveloped in teenage angst and apathy. Yet, he's the GOLDEN BOY.
I want good for him. Hell, I want the BEST for him. BUT some days I think he needs to fucking earn it. Pay his dues like I PAID. I don't know why I fight for him. Mom says it's because I'm fighting for myself. She's probably right.
Drive a brand new car? Live in the city in a mansion across the street from the school and your after school robotics program? Have a cell phone? Get a brand new iPod touch? Take out of town trips with the school? Play your video games and have your friends over? I die a little inside every time I hear about it.
Do you know I got yelled out for reading too much? For always having my nose buried in a book and not watching where we were driving? I begged to go to school on time even when it was foggy day schedule! I ditched class to go to OTHER classes!
REALLY? Yeah, really.
Carry on with your bad self, but steer clear of me. My vitriol and jealousy knows no bounds.
Before I say ANYTHING, let me show you the one thing that makes me smile EVERY TIME! This is HarMar snuggling in my warming blanket. AWWWWW
Over at The Beehive they do a "Weekend ReCap" blog. It's quick and I like reading what other people did. Some of it makes me jealous and some of it makes me feel better that they didn't do anything special.
Here's what I did this weekend:
(1) Friday I Cleaned... but more of a spring cleaning (or fall cleaning? that didn't sound right) I cleaned my cleaning caddy, the freezer, the silverware drawer, my closet, my bathroom drawers... I turned that place upside down, but AAAHHHHHH it feels SO GOOD!
(2) Then my roommate came home with some friends to watch a movie. They were FASCINATED with my dinner. I told you I like an antipasti plate. MMMM
I may not have mentioned this before, but I have the most wonderful roommates in the whole world.
My dearest friend, Melissa, (on the left) is leaving me and it's breaking my heart. I understand her reasons to go and wish her nothing but wonderful things, but I don't know what I'm going to do without her. I could fill an ocean with our laughter and our tears over the last 3 years. I guess I wouldn't be taking it so hard if she was staying in town, but she's be many hours away and makes the loss more palpable.
Friday night we had a surprise goodbye party for Melissa at The Standard. Being as we are all so close, it was pretty damn awkward in our shared hallway as Des and I tried to leave the house without inviting her, but we made it! It was wonderfully bittersweet and I'm admitting I had a hard cry when I wrote in her card.
Saturday I worked all day and was exhausted, but Desiree wanted me to attend a dinner function with her so I pressed on and got ready. GO GO GO.
OH MY GOD, you will not believe it! We showed up at Vini Vidi Vici's and GUESS WHAT!? It was a surprise party FOR ME! GET OUT! In a billion years I never would have guessed that! Possibly this photo will tell you everything you need to know! It's like WHAT?! FOR ME?!
Anyways, it was the sweetest nicest thing that anyone has ever done for me. The balloons were my favorite color, the food was delicious, they incorporated PINEAPPLES (my favorite) and a luau theme, and most of my closest dearest friends were there. There for ME! I was so touched.
Actually, in my entire life, I have never had a surprise party and it was a wonderful night that I will not soon forget. I felt the love and I love my friends. Thanks you guys!
Sunday I got up and went to work again. In the evening I had some friends over to my parents house. We swam, we chatted, and we cooked together. It was an awesome girl night. I made a homemade vegetarian chili and a light avocado, corn, black bean salad. It was delicious!
SO, NOW... I'M EXHAUSTED. There was so much excitement, so many surprises, and SO MUCH work. I cannot wait until next weekend and my much awaited days off. NOW, it's 11:30 pm and I gotta head to bed.
G'night all!
Well folks, my moms "Run for the Roses" Kentucky Derby Party is being declared a success! Of course, I don't really have contact with the outside world so mostly the success declaration is me patting myself on the back for my part in the party.
To be honest, my mom and dad only remodeled their entire house and my mom claims she ran all the errands and got all the food and decorations... so their part was marginal in comparison to the fact that I plagiarized an invitation and made a list one time, but you know, people are like that.
ANYWAYS! I'm sure what you want is photos... Here's the invitation:
Secondly, here I am with my Mint Julep:
And I need everyone to recognize that HarMar's bow matches my shirt:
I made pinwheels:
And fruit w/ a coolwhip/marshmallow cream dip:
Overall it was a pretty good spread:
Then after a very exciting viewing of the Derby, we moved on to dinner. I made a yummy salad with parmesan, carrots, red peppers, and cannelloni beans:
And here I am next to the rest of the spread which included salad, 3 bean salad, corn, rolls, homemade scalloped potatoes, baked beans, and BBQ'd chicken:
Truthfully, my parents house is perfect for hosting a party and they have a dream kitchen to cook in and she has every cool gadget and plenty of space. My mom has always been the ultimate hostess and it was neat for me to be able to do some of the hard work that would impress her friends and free her up so she could actually enjoy her party. Overall, a success!
_______________________
You fill in the blank.
I often ask myself what it "is" and I'm unable to answer. I don't know what it is. In fact, I don't much of anything at all. Here's what I do know.
It's not... easy.
It's not... easy to be me.
It's not... simple.
It's not... endearing.
It's not... pleasant.
It's not... admirable.
It's not... ever going to change.
It's not... even close to being over.
What is "it" ???
_______________________
Again, You fill in the blank. It's late and I'm tired and I've had a long day. I'm unable to formulate the words it would take to truly capture it.
Well, everyone loves pictures so I'll make this short and sweet.
I've been craving eggs benedict for some reason and I was feeling adventurous! So today I decided to attempt to make it! I'm so stinkin' proud of myself. It was DELICIOUS!! I lightly sauteed some spinach with garlic olive oil and salt, added a little tomato and avocado, and viola! We won't talk about the egg poaching part. I tried to do it old school and let's just gracefully say it wasn't perfect. Still edible though and damn good! Feast your eyes...
After running a million errands - yes ONE MILLION - I met my parents at Campagnias for dinner. Tomorrow is their 22nd anniversary. Then we went back to their house for cake and festivities. Here's a picture of the happy family:
That big box on the left has a Margaritaville in it! Umm, guess who's gonna be hanging out at her parents A LOT more now! ha ha ha
And just for posterity's sake, here's a pic of my brother and I. Mostly because I am SO not cool to him and had to force him to take the picture. His resistance means the entire world now has to look at us together.
(This is something I'm posting for a work RV Blog I just started... Thought's I'd share)
There have been plenty of good times in my life and as I sit here and reflect, there was always an RV involved somehow.
Even in the EARLY 80's we cruised around this country in swanky orange and brown fashion circa 1979 - in a 1979 Titan motorhome that is!
We stopped at strange things we saw along the road...
Well, I don't normally write about politics... and I've been reading feverishly about things on the internet these last few weeks, but I have to tell you, yesterday I watched with utter fascination as Barack was elected. I'm not a political person or even a registered voter, but I will now admit I shed a few tears. I don't know if I was just in the crying mood, or if I was so excited about watching history happen, or if I was just overcome with everyone elses emotion at such a monumental event, but yeah, anyways... it happened.
I think it's extra odd for me to be moved by something that, in my world, is no big friggin deal. I'm sure I don't represent the majority of anything, but so what if he's black? My dad is black. My uncles and my cousins and my brother is black. So what? Look at my hodgepodge family...
I guess I just don't see color. Anyways... I just found it really interesting to think about where we've come from. I mean, my dad has talked about being segregated and not being allowed into white movie theaters or just the trials of making the same wages as the other guys at his first job.
SO, what do you think? Is it a tragedy that a lot of my generation doesn't really realize the road that was paved for us? I can say the same about my gender. Women weren't able to vote. They didn't make equal wages. My mom had to wear a dress to school. Those things NEVER cross my mind because they just don't make sense to me. I can't imagine anything different than being able to be independent and do whatever I want to. OR, do you think it is a testament to how good of a job they did that it's just a non issue now.
Did I make any sense? I find this to be a VERY compelling topic. But it's seeming like a lot of work to type it all out right now. LOL
Anyways - I just wanted to write a quick blip in my first ever political blog!!
Ever wonder how much MORE there is to figure out? I'm just starting to realize there is A LOT more...
This last week has led me to realize I'm not anywhere ready to step foot in the public. I just don't know what to do. I've had the revelation that I am the source of uncomfortable tension for others. Whether it's friends, lovers, or family - I'm the one that causes them to mutter 'fuck... What do I do with her?".
This sucks...
There is SOO much going on in my life. Some which I'll talk about, some which I won't. I still have so many hang ups too. Religion is really working on me right now. I don't know what to do. All i know is at this point, I'm avoiding the whole thing. Acceptance is my primary concern, and based on my past experiences organized religion doesn't offer anything close to that to me. It offers structure and rules and a support group of policers to make sure you stay within the confines of that structure. But step outside of that support and that acceptance, that love, is gone!
So I sit here surrounded by people who say everything I want to hear. 'we love you' 'we're so glad to see you' 'we want to know everything about you' 'how can we help' it goes on... But I don't believe them. I want to, but it brings tears to my eyes even as I type this. My flight instinct is hard to ignore right now. I want to go where no one knows me. I want to go where no expectations are placed on me. It just seems so easy to just walk away.
Yet all that is my fault. I put myself back in this predicament for the love of my family, my brother. Unfortunately, it feels as good to be back as it does hurt to be back. I had no way of knowing what would happen after I opened pandoras box.
So, now here I am. I cringe at even the word 'bible'. Yet for hours on end each week I smile and show up for meetings and bible study so that everyone else feels good about their place in this world. (and I'm not even participating at half what I should) Little do they know the price I'm paying on the inside. It is a fire storm of torment in my stomach. In my heart. I clinch my teeth and pinch the inside of my arm until it bruises to keep from screaming out. To keep the smile on my face. To keep the anger and the tears inside.
They must see the strain in the back of my eyes. The lump in my throat. Yet they hug me. They touch my hair. They compliment. They 'encourage'. I want to run and never look back. However, I don't want to be the person filled with negativity and hate and anger. I don't want to crush their souls and take from them what they've taken from me. So I simply smile.
You know what's the worst? That I fear this is just me. The entire world derives comfort from these things. Faith. Strength. Hope from these things. So here I claim I want to be a good person. A balanced person. A well rounded accepting open happy loving person. So how long do I sit in my house until I can truly be around people and be all those things when this huge area of their lives comes up?
I hear what some of u say. 'it's not this way' 'we've never had experiences like that' 'the bible teaches love and acceptance at it's core and anything different is a misinterpretation' okay - I hear you. But it doesn't change where I am right now. What I've committed to. Ugh!
And in essence, I think I'm a very spiritual person. I think it's all just a matter of language. When I get up in the morning and 'set my intention' many of you would call that prayer. When I'm at a loss for words and I plead to the 'universe' or 'mother earth' you could substitute the words god or jesus. When i try to live a good life and be a good person its the same as you... So why do I have to say its because of the bible? Why does whatever brings you comfort have to bring me the same? Can't it be different? Or is it me? Am I resisting something I shouldn't? Usually when I have such a strong and adverse reaction to something it's me that's out of line. Sigh.
Want the real truth? I'm so tired. I'm so Empty. How do i fix this or fix myself or change my thinking? How can I give what I don't have? How do I recharge? I can't get away from the constant drain. I don't even know how to be a friend. I just work and I 'maintain'... But I fantasize about just walking out the door and never coming back. I'm lonely, but I'm already alone.
I just want you:
To like me.
To be nice to me.
To want me around.
To choose me.
To stay...
Yeah, but I've heard it all before...
So maybe it goes a little deeper than just religion. The distrust came from my religious experience, but the despair... That's all me. Ha!
I just sat next to a priest with his beads and hand movements and robes and his bible in Latin. I'm uncomfortable.
I have a SCREAMING baby behind me which is easily heard over my iPod. I'm tired.
I'm sitting in a row of chairs right now. All empty. Did I mention the whole row is EMPTY? Why does this lady sit down right next to me? She's RIGHT here. I'm touching her with my elbow. I'm beyond tense.
Does no one see? I don't have the energy to deal with this. I don't want to walk... I want to run...
Mother earth, Can't it just work out? Hey YOU, Can't you just choose me? And YOU, Can't you just enjoy my presence and not try to change me? And can't you over there just be real. Why is it all so hard?
I haven't left yet. My stuff is packed but I'm going to try it for one more day. Maybe tomorrow will be better...
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UPDATE
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Tonight I'm going to my parents. My brother and his wife are in town from New York. You know, that brother who I haven't spoken to in 4 years. (Even after I've been reinstated...) That brother whose wedding I wasn't invited to. That brother who lives and works at the religious organization headquarters that's caused me so much tribulation. That brother... Can't wait to go and get "hugs" and "happiness" and "love" from someone who doesn't give a shit about me. We'll laugh and we'll smile and he'll ask "So how have you been?" and I'll say "Fine"... {I'll wonder how I summarize 4 years of emotional hell into one word} We'll eat dinner and talk about how god is good. {I'll throw up a little bit in my mouth and pinch myself to hold back the bitterness I have inside} We'll tell stories from our childhood. {I'll feel like I don't even know him and decide I don't want to.} Time to go and play nice. {Time to take that valium I have hidden in my jewelry box}
Tell me again why I shouldn't just walk away?
Yeah... That about sums it up. Everything sucks. And I can't even tell you if I'm unbelievably sad. Really lonely. Or I just don't care anymore.
Spare me the speech where you say... "Oh My Gosh Marisa, You're so smart and pretty and successful... everything will be fine" UGH
I'm numb.
I'm sure things will pass. It's only been 1 week since grandma died... Did I mention grandpa was given today to live... so boy should tomorrow be exciting. Can't wait to attend another barbaric funeral.
I really don't want to care tomorrow. I don't want to "need" anymore.... to worry anymore. Not that these leave much to be desired in an average life. I'm home alone today. It sucks and yet i could care less. I feel trapped in the quit center of a storm. Like there is nothing, no sound...
So before I just rant out things that are mean and stupid and defetist, I'll simply write lyrics from my new favorite song:
Beth Hart
Hidden Track after ..13 - Screaming For My Supper
Violence, here them play
On the Fence, where I lay
It's where I live
Tumble down to the ground
Watch it flash
Not a sound, there's no sound
And he says, that it don't matter to me
He'll say, that all this love is for free
He said, it don't matter to me, it don't matter to me
Take me down, unconsciousness
Hold me now, decadence
Lay me out in your house of sin
Take me down...
...There's no sound
House of sin, somebody sinned
Tumbled down onto my knees
Watch it burn, hold your screams
Somebody sinned
He said nothing to me
That all this war is for free
He said, it ain't nothing to me and i would never agree
So take me now, unconsciousness
Hold me now, decadence
Lay me in your house of sin
Take me down
THERE'S NO SOUND !!!
THERE'S NO SOUND !!!
YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS IS FUCKING WEAK!
Violence screaming at your feet
You're sowing every time you speak
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Good night everyone.
Sounds dramatic doesn't it? Well it is, so if you want to keep pretending that I'm just happy go lucky all the time, stop reading now.
On this rollercoaster of life, I've found myself in a downward spin. I wish I had the courage to just kill myself and not have to worry anymore, but the eternal optimist in me says tomorrow will be better. It's tomorrow... It's the day after tomorrow... It's still not better...
I just returned from my grandma's funeral. You know, the grandma who hasn't spoken to me in 2 years. The grandma who put religion before family and considered me the... what am I saying? She didn't "consider me" at all. I wasn't even welcome at the hospital to say goodbye. Yeah that grandma... the sweet little old lady that was so affectionately called "Dear Dear" by all that knew her.
As I walk into the hall where 562 people arrive to pay their respect, I'm not allowed to speak to anyone. I am angry, yet i find myself crying. Crying, not for the grandma who didn't care, but for myself. For myself as I see a SEA OF PEOPLE all hugging and "supporting" each other, but not me. Marisa, once again, has to be strong for herself. As I look at my sister who hasn't so much as glanced in my direction for over 2 years, and my brother sitting with his new wife that I was so diplomatically not invited to the wedding. THEY smile, THEY get hugs, THEY get support... THEY are ok. But not me. I will forever wear this scarlet letter. The one that lets everyone know what a wreched whore I am. What a defective reject I am.
It hurts... I HURT...
THEY are all on their way to a huge dinner/gala event. 561 of them were invited. Not me. I was sent home, told to LEAVE. It would be inappropriate for me to "sociallize" OF COURSE. For those of you who have talked to me, you would know my WORST fear in life is for someone to not like me... HMPF... Talk about living your nightmare.
I will never be the same from the experience of these last 2 years. So alone. So unworthy. Marked. How can they do this to someone? Yes, I've made mistakes. Yes, I OWN THEM. I LIVE THEM... But I can't take them back. 2 years - TWO YEARS. Where I gave up everything I knew, my husband, my house, my dogs, my friends, my family and I'm still not forgiven. This from the people who said these "displinary actions" were out of love. A loving reproof to HELP ME see the errors of my ways and return to the right path. Well, if embarassment and rejection and shame is a "loving reproof" then consider me reproved.
So I'm that girl. The sad girl who sits in her house. The wierd girl who cuts herself and cries herself to sleep at night. And why go outside? So that I can spend my evening avoiding the 6.5 millions Witnesses out there who aren't allowed to utter so much as a "hello" to me? I didn't know I was THAT GIRL. You know, the one who is so powerful that simply speaking a greeting to me is enough to cripple your whole faith in god. Be warned...
I have some friends. They say "Call me if you need to talk..." Talk about what? About all the things that I can't do anything about? About all the things no one else could understand unless they had truly walked in my shoes?
I have no friends. All I have is distractions. I don't know anyone like me. I know cool people with husbands, kids, busy lives, things to live for, look forward to. And so I sit here in this house... I work... I work some more. I feed the dog. That about covers it.
So I'm home, home alone, again. And I've lost interest in this subject. It's saturday night, but no ones calling. And I don't know if I want them to. I have work to do. I have some shelves to put together in the garage to store some work decorations on.
Take care all. I'll be fine. I always am.
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