OUCH!!!!

Oh wow, were you nervous that I was changing and growing and just over here being awesome?

REST ASSURED, I'm still the clumsiest person you know!

After driving all around town on a wild goose chase for things I'm still going to wind up ordering online, go to my parents house and rush my mom to go get dinner. In my hurry to get out of the car and get into Qdoba, I shut the car door on my right hand middle finger.

YYYOOOOWWWWZZZZAAAA!!!!! 

Oh Yeah, and not just shut the door on and it bounces off sort of thing... this was a door shuts completely and clicks and pull your hand and it doesn't budge type thing.

O. M. G.

My mom screams and runs at me and I sort of had to yell at her to get away from me and not touch me so that I could have some space to compose myself. I'll be ok. I may never feel my middle finger again, but I'll be okay.

SIGH.

What else can I say?

Here's a picture of me about to eat a chocodile to distract you from my lifetime of klutzy suffering...

What happens in Vegas...

...STAYS IN VEGAS!

"Except for herpes, that shit is forever!" - NAME THAT MOVIE!

Truth be told, I had 4 action packed days of good clean fun, food, and friends. There were 23 of us and we all stayed at the MGM Grand. There was walking and talking and shopping and drinking and I loved every second. We had our club night in Moon at the Palms. Terrell Owens was there if you're into that kind of thing. So was Chino from the Deftones and also Pauly Shore. Go figure.

Mostly, I'll share this with you: For those of you who haven't been to the Wet Republic pool party at the MGM, GO DO IT!!! - it was like the best thing I've ever done in my life - soo yeah. I hear they charged $50 to get in, but I got in free... You know how I roll.

This pic is BEFORE it got busy... BEFORE the pitchers of Mojitos and the fireworks. BEFORE the dance floor opened and there was a thong contest and BEFORE the waitresses sprayed champagne all over everyone. I guess you could call that a good time.

One tip I'll give you is: There is no such thing as ridiculous in Las Vegas.
• Wear your highest heels, you say? With a bathing suit?
• Put on club worthy make up & jewelry? To a pool party?
YES!
There were a couple moments where things could have taken a turn for the worse, but I managed to drink another mojito and use what I saw as motivation. I had 6 hours in the sun to plan buying those necessarily evil expensive Chanel sunglasses and figure out how to lose those last pesky 40 lbs, and start saving for a boob job...


Speaking of needing to lose 40 lbs. There was the free food at the buffet... Yeah, I ate at it 7 times to the best of my calculations. LOL that's a lot!
I'm also calculating I only had a grand total of 13 hrs sleep over the 4 days. And I don't even gamble. I chose to lose all my money at the mall, thank you very much!

I think I'm done sharing all my secrets though. There's more pressing things I need to talk to you guys about. I was thinking of changing my blog focus again. How do you all feel about feet?

I think I have pretty decent feet & toes.
I haven't really looked at my analytics lately, but I'm sure this is going to lead to some foot fetish crap. Well how about I DEVASTATE all of you then by showing you what my feet look like now.

I know you're still recovering from the horror of that which is me in a bathing suit and now I'll show you what happened on the last night. I wish I could say I was drunk, but no... just twitchy and clumsy... What's it been, a month since the last time I nearly killed myself? Yeah. I wasn't ready for my self-esteem to come back.

Actually, don't look - just close you're browser now!
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AAAHHHHH! So disturbing!! Have I mentioned to you how much I hate myself for being clumsy? Yeah.... Apparently, trying to keep all 18+ people in the group moving in the same direction caused me to turn around and I got tangled up in my pants and when I put my foot out for balance - BAM! Right into the construction pylon cement divider thing.

SOOOO... sorry you had to see that.

Will you still me my friend? PLEASE?

Possibly I'll post some other pictures later so keep your eye out for an UPDATE! Now I'm tired and my feet hurt though, so I'm going to go. To purge that awful toe picture, here is the most hilarious thing ever. HarMar in his lobster costume. It gets even funnier because he is completely incapable of movement. He'll stay in that position all night until you take it off. Somehow it's probably cruel, but it makes me laugh and laugh.

It was the best $10 I've ever spent.

Finger Update

I'm not quite sure if my mild observations should be changing to serious concern, but now that the bandages have come off, I can't feel my finger tip. OH. MY. GOD. It's only been 4 days. If I don't get more feeling back by Monday, I'm going back to the doctor.

It doesn't look that gnarly, but if you look at it logistically, you can see that it's cut straight back from side to side about 1/4 inch. OUCH! Yeah, I pretty much removed the pad of my index finger. YOWZA!

I hate myself, I really really do..

Yeah, I know... No one is perfect, but I am so embarrassingly flawed it is NOT funny.

Monday night, I fell down just walking and hurt myself. I wish I had story... I was sky diving, I was mugged, I was having crazy shower sex and slipped and fell (My friend Christa suggested that one - thank you Christa - NOW THAT would be a story!) Something... but no... just walking... felt a little wobbly in my high heels... and FLOOP, down I went. Sigh.

Actually, I thought I was fine, then in the middle of the night, I woke up and MY whole left arm was stiff and HURT!

I'm no stranger to broken bones and I was pretty sure I broke it. I took the day off work, spent all day at the Urgent Care getting X-rays, etc... but turns out, it's not broken - I'm just a loser. You can't even get a prescription for that...

So I have to wear a brace for a few days. Oddly enough, no one is really asking "What happened to your arm?" so it seems Marisa and "being broken" are two thoughts people put together rather easily.

You can read further about how much I utterly DESPISE being clumsy by clicking HERE.

I just hate it. Despite reassurances from others that I have any redeemable qualities, all of us have something they really really HATE about themselves. This is the bane of my existence. I hate hate hate it. Ugh...

Goodness...

Well, I'm in a picture taking mood and I actually did something exciting this last weekend, so why not share that with the world right?

Back in... uhhh... 1994... I went snowboarding for the first time... AND I LOVED IT! I think that was about the time they "invented" snowboarding! Admittedly, being around at the INVENTION of something makes me feel really old... SO we're gonna move on!!!

Sometime between 1994 and 1996 there were some really cute boys up at the summit. Boys I decided I wanted to hang out with. So I left my group and I followed these cute boys into the woods, off the beaten path, over the jumps, and then down the hill to the hospital to get the necessary cast put on my arm - because - well - I suck at snowboarding - and I break easy - and god keeps telling me to appreciate my desk job - but I don't listen well and I am a REALLY slow learner!

Actually I did go again thru 2000, but by then I was married and busy and somehow I looked at the calendar and NINE YEARS WENT BY and I realized I hadn't been! And I own the boots and the board and all the stuff too! So yeah...lame!

This time I went with cute boys I do know.


Boys who are really good and do jumps and stuff:


And they even said I didn't hold them up at all! Actually they held me up, as in each grabbed a shoulder as we got off the lift probably because I do know how to play human dominoes! No, seriously...


I wish you could see my cute snowboard. It has goldfish on it :) I also wish you could see me reppin' my hardcore Pantera shirt, but that's ok - I already know I'm super cool! HA!

Actually, I had lots of fun, didn't get too competitive and push myself, and I didn't break anything! I just needed to get my confidence back that I can actually go outside and not fall apart. If I go again I'll try more things I think!

The year before last was a milestone when I got a bike for my birthday and I FREAKED out because I hadn't rode a bike since I broke my leg... and I was sure I was going to die. Now I can ride my bike without dying and it's awesome - especially since I live right next to a lake and our cities nicest park/bike trail...

Now, dare I try to overcome my fear of RollerBlading next? (Yes yes, you guessed it, broke my elbow doing that...) Maybe I better just stick to the basics...

Yeah...

It’s cold. I hate the cold. I’m cold during the summer so you can imagine how cold I am right now. I’m always cold. I wasn’t meant to be climatically comfortable. It’s the universe giving me the middle finger is what it is. I need to bring a blanket with me to work. I’m an electric blanket junkie. Sigh.

Woke up again last night at 2:20am. UGH UGH UGH! Then HarMar jumps off the bed at 4:15am. That means act quick or he’s going to have a problem... on the carpet... in your room... and you’ll be a lot more awake cleaning that up than just letting him out. So I jumped up and threw the door open and he raced outside. He ALWAYS sleeps through the night, so he must have been feeling sick ☹ However, this did not spare me from basically being awake every 2 hours at 2am 4am and 6am. LAME!

You know, when I was in like 8th grade, I broke my leg. We were at Lake Almanor on the 1st day of vacation riding our bikes through the campground when we saw our friends RV arrive. We were racing back to camp to greet them and through a very unfortunate set of fast paced events I “Sort Of” ran over a lady. You know, really ramped right up the back of her leg and left tire tracks all over her!! As I attempted to exit my bike and put my left leg down it landed funny and on a hill and then i lost my balance and the bike and I fell over but my foot stayed in the same place. POP! broken.... leg.... My brother and sister raced back, got my parents, who brought the RV and we headed off to the hospital. The fracture sort of looked like someone traced an outline around a lollipop. NOT GOOD. This required a special cast clear up to high thigh even though the fracture was just above the ankle.

And since it was day 1 of vacation, you know we didn’t go home. They laid me up in a lounge chair and I got to watch everyone play, bike ride, have water gun fights, water ski, jet ski... I had to sleep in the RV while a gaggle of kids got to stay up all night in “tent city”... Mom was nice enough to let me have the window open so I could at least hear. To this day, almost SEVENTEEN YEARS LATER... There was a joke about chicken nuggets that I will never forgive myself for missing. They laughed until they cried. I just cried.

8 weeks I was immobile. Cast up to my thigh and they put it on so my knee was slightly bent and my foot pointed in just a little. Basically to ensure I wouldn’t be walking on it. Finally the cast came off. And FUCK if I could not for the life of me remember how to walk. I used to sit and watch people walk by and think, how do they do that?! Heel.. toe... bend knee... lift... repeat... It just didn’t come natural! OMG! Weeks I struggled with this. It was embarrassing and mind boggling. Who forgets how to fucking walk? It’s not like I had a stroke or a brain injury. I think really I just put too much thought into it. And my mom gave me a slight complex because she said I was walking pigeon toed. She was right, but it was one more thing to concentrate on that when I walked my feet pointed straight ahead so I didn’t look retarded. And I just kept thinking, when is this not going to be an issue anymore? When will things just be normal again? Will they ever be normal again? OMG...

So where am I going with all this? Clearly one day, I just started walking! Everything came together. I look normal, walk normal, no pigeon toes - NORMAL. But I had to let it all go first. I almost crippled myself literally with over-thinking and trying so hard to get it right and by observing and calculating what everyone else was doing or thinking about what I was doing...

And I think that’s what my life is right now. I’m all wrapped up in nothingness in my head even though everything is normal and all systems are go. And really it should just be natural. Life should just happen. I’m thinking and calculating and waiting on baited breath for things to just be normal again. What happened? Will things ever just be normal? Will I ever not feel like something is wrong all the time? Even though nothing is wrong, I’m not getting it right. I’m watching everyone else and they seem to be getting it right. Maybe if I do exactly what they do it will fix things. Nope, nope... that didn’t work. Think Marisa... Think...

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

STOP! Make it stop. Please - just stop. I’m ok... I’m doing it to myself... I have at least THAT MUCH awareness. I need more time at home, more time alone, more time to read, walk, be with nature - get back to basics and really let it all go.