I'm with you in spirit...

Seriously, you guys... I think about blogging about 10 times a day, but it's just so hard to make time. I don't know when I genie blinked and suddenly got a life, but yeah, I'm having trouble keeping up my virtual persona! Can you ever forgive me???

Seriously, I'm exhausted, laying on the couch at 10:38pm and just wanting to go to sleep, but FOR YOU, I will persevere.

Know what I did today? Let me tell you...

1st, I had to get to work early for a 7:30am meeting. (Do you remember I'm not a morning person?)
2nd, I had to eat a banana as part of my new meal plan. I do NOT like bananas and was about to just end it all lest I be forced to take one more bite when I decided half a banana is all this grown ass woman can handle! *pew pew*
3rd, I'm off the red bull, I've reduced my soda intake to more than 1 a day, but increased my water drinking to ONE GALLON per day. So 3rd, I spent about 60% of the rest of my day walking back and forth to the effing restroom. God I hate water!
4th, I finally left work after 10 hours and headed to the gym where I paid for a hot guy to mentally and physically abuse me. We did this new timed thing where you race to complete 6 exercises at 50 x's each. So tonight I did: 50 pull ups, 50 push ups, 50 weighted squats, 50 weighted sit-up/leg lifts, 50 squat jumps, & 50 floor to ceiling weight lifts in 29 min! F*** Me!
5th, I returned home upon getting clearance to eat carbs tonight (Last night I about went to jail I was so ravenously hungry for chips or SOMETHING cuz I'm only supposed to eat my carbs in the morning~!) and made the biggest burrito ever made. YUM!
6th, AND NOW I SIT HERE... all tapped out. Wanted to tell you all my thoughts and then realizing... there ain't much left folks. *sad face*


So yeah... maybe tomorrow I'll muster up the energy to post some pictures I've been saving for you. Stay tuned!

Wassup...

Hey Hey...

Shout out to Mintz, my ONLY commenter. I know I don't comment back, but I'm not feeling a lot of love from you guys.

Ok, enough of that! Soo, about that weather. It sure is raining a lot right? Guess what I've never done that I now know I need to?

 

Yeah, clean my rain gutters! I had a waterfall coming off that sucker! Oh man, that sucks. That seems like a lot of work!

How about eating dinner Saturday nights alone at a restaurant like a loser?! What I won't do to eat at New Stars. Every single person I know had something going on. Work, plans, teeth pulled, diets. So I thought, I'm an independent woman, I can do this. So I put my big girl panties on and had a nice dinner.

That coconut curry chick'n was damn delicious! Felt pretty proud of myself too!

Sunday I tried out the burger joint in the town, The Habit. It was really good. Their attention to detail was excellent, the staff was friendly, the place was clean, and their veggie burger was TASTE EE!

Check out the size of this thing! It was practically not edible! I had to cut it up 4 ways to even be able to bite it! YUM!

On another note, you know what's WONDERFUL? Fresh flowers! There's something about them that makes the whole world better. My mom bought me these today:

Tulips are my favorite. Orange is my favorite color. How can you look at these and not feel better?

So that's what's wassup...!

What's up with you!?!?

For the girl who has everything...

Yeah, that's not true. I don't have much actually. People say it's hard to buy for me because I'm so specific. Most of my friends just ask me for a list. How do they know I LOVE making lists and keep a running one of "things to buy" ??? HA HA

Actually, I was just thinking about my last post where I said iTunes gift cards and kitchen goodies are a surefire win.  (I think "SureFire" is my word of the week - I've used it like 20 times now... ha!)

However, you know what I love? As in LOVE LOVE? PENS! I may have a slight thing about gel pens, specifically with glitter in them, but that's sort of a "me" thing. These are similar to the ones I buy and use at work to everyone's chagrin:

You know what though? I've never received a pen as a gift that I can recall. :( I think now I'm ready for a real pen. An expensive pen. A NICE PEN. My friend has this Paul Smith roller ball pen. It's like the best pen ever.

I WANT A COOL NICE EXPENSIVE KEEPER PEN!

Weekend Recap - 3 days late... Or maybe I should just title it, "What I've been up to"

People like pictures right? I always try to snap a picture that sums stuff up so I don't have to talk AS much. I do like to talk though! Let's just see how this goes!

I made breakfast for dinner. Biscuits and Gravy might not seem like a big deal to you, but have a vegetarian "gravy" is like a delicacy to me! MMMMMM

I freaked out at someone leaving their nasty hair brush and Aquanet on the bathroom counter in our public and shared restroom. As in LEAVE... as in it's been there for weeks and it's strewn about (obviously used) daily! Keep it classy folks.

I shopped all weekend to decorate a huge display for a work project. A huge space and a "Harvest" theme leads to many interesting conversations when you purchase an entire truckload of hay...

or when you drive a baby car and try to convert it into some sort of Halloween clown car... BEHOLD MY PUMPKINS...

Then my dad and I went to The Big Fresno Fair to see a rap concert... Random... I KNOW RIGHT? We saw "The Game" and it was awesome! Front row tickets, free food, and a great show.  Check out the newest fair treat - The Zucchini Weenie! HA HA!

Check back soon and I'll tell you all about the AWESOME concert I saw last night.  Does HAMMERTIME mean anything to you?  Awwwww Yeeeeaaahhh!

Weekend Update - But not really cool - Or Funny - Or... I don't know just read it okay?

Over at The Beehive they do a "Weekend ReCap" blog. It's quick and I like reading what other people did. Some of it makes me jealous and some of it makes me feel better that they didn't do anything special.

Here's what I did this weekend:

(1) Friday I Cleaned... but more of a spring cleaning (or fall cleaning? that didn't sound right) I cleaned my cleaning caddy, the freezer, the silverware drawer, my closet, my bathroom drawers... I turned that place upside down, but AAAHHHHHH it feels SO GOOD!

(2) Then my roommate came home with some friends to watch a movie. They were FASCINATED with my dinner. I told you I like an antipasti plate. MMMM

(3) Saturday I worked from home for a few hours. I saw Har Mar lounging - he is so cute. He likes to stay inside, but lay in the sun. AWWWW.

(4) I planted a new AeroGarden. This time it's International Basil! OH BOY! I'll keep you posted!

(5) Saturday night I picked up my friend Rebecca and took her to Roe. Her birthday was a week ago, but she was in Disneyland then, so she wanted all her friends to get together here this weekend. As a vegetarian for 7 years now, I never developed a love for sushi, but they had a vegetable roll that I tried. PEW PEW PEW. Seaweed tastes just like rotten fish. UGH! Sorry guys. I don't like coffee either. WILDLY POPULAR, yes!! MY THING, no!! I'll gladly stick to the vegetable tempura and edamame! Glad we were in before 10 though. GEEZ that place charges a $10 cover and is wildly packed!

(6) I am still surprised at how short people are in this town. I'm 5'7", but with 4" heel I'm nearing 6' tall. HAHA. There were only 3 guys in the entire place that could look me in the eye. If I was looking for a man, this would be very depressing.

(7) Sunday I realized it's cold like Alaska here!! Time to break out the electric blanket. I went to my parent's house after running my errands. Had dinner with my mom at Qdoba. It was actually good. She gave me a spare "warming blanket" that she had. Everyone should thank her because there was a high chance I would have died sometime during the night while watching TV on the couch BUT NOW I WILL LIVE! I have the warmth of electricity! YES!

(8) My mom also gave me this mini cherry pie. 1- I love cherry pie (save the innuendo guys...) 2- She originally bought it for my spoiled rotten brothers lunch, so I figured it would be at least THREE TIMES as tasty because I got to take it from him! However, my mom wanted to open it to see what it looked like inside. OF COURSE, as soon as I try to unload my car, the pie FLIES OUT the opening and meets it's early demise. :( NOOOOOOOOO!

SO ANYWAYS, that was my weekend in a nutshell - and even with a few pictures.

Let me leave you with an adorable pic of my little man chillin' on the couch!
Say it with me.
Awwwwwwwwwwww!

Picture show

Well, I don't think I've been up to too much lately, but I do like to document things... so besides scouring my house from head to toe and running a bunch of errands just look...

I saw a beautiful sunset over Woodward Park...

HarMar kept a close eye on the EVIL steam cleaner for me. I put it in the hallway and found him sitting next to it for 15 minutes! He really really hates that thing.

I'm obsessed with heirloom tomatoes and have been enjoying some caprese.


Well, everything else was just pictures of what I've eaten. Are people really interested in just seeing pictures of what I eat? I don't think so...

Anyways... What've you been up to?

Oh really?

For those of you who don't know, I'm a bit of a nature freak. I take more pride than I can explain to you in coming home from multiple stores and having nothing to throw away! I bring canvas bags with me and even mesh bags for my vegetables. I HATE waste and actually have intense energy directed at baggers and cashiers who can't figure out how to do it right.

Actually, I just had a gathering at my house last weekend and everyone kept asking me for paper plates and cups so they didn't dirty any dishes. OMG, PLEASE DIRTY A DISH rather than throw something away. I forced everyone to use real stuff. 5 minutes of extra work is nothing, geez!

Also, Fresno has been really big on their "Buy Local" campaign. I agree with this. I like feeling like I'm a part of something and doing something good. Plus, here in Fresno, the fruit basket of the world, buying vegetables and fruit from local farms is diverse, affordable, and awesome! When I saw this sign at Vons I was so happy since I needed squash anyways:

HOWEVER, upon further inspection, I think someone needs a geography lesson. Either that or it's A LOT smaller world than I originally imagined:


HA HA HA! OH REALLY? This is considered LOCAL? ALL OF NORTH AMERICA? UH HUH...

Silent observations of a perfectly sane person...

Here's a light and fluffy post with pictures because it's late and I want to go to bed...

Does anyone else find this 5' tall advertisement amusing? Not even just a little bit raunchy? Am I really that far in the gutter? (Side note, isn't "Grande Taquito" an oxy-moron? I don't see any advertisements for 'Big Small **whatever**' but hey, I don't get out much! Spanish is a funny language.)


Be honest with me my new virtual friends. Do these "Gummy Tummies" appeal to you?
(1) I find the penguin to be a quite adorable creature personally. Therefore the thought of eating it isn't first on my mind. (Also there's that lame vegetarian thing)
(2) If times get any tougher (It's a recession you know) and some rare minature migrating penguins overtake Woodward, and I am forced to eat the afore mentioned rare miniature migrating penquins, the part I think I would enjoy THE LEAST would be biting down on their still full bellies and having said contents explode in my mouth.
Too much? Too graphic? Yeah, it's hard to be me... That was THE FIRST thing I thought when I saw these at the checkout. The second was, "I have to write a blog about this!"


Alright... I'm tired and I'm going to bed. Catch you tomorrow.

Upcoming posts you can look forward to:

* The panini I made for dinner last night
* My review of the Pizza Fusion event I went to today.

It's becoming clear to me that my expectations are waaay too high...

I'm going to complain, make fun, and generally be a catty bitch in this post... so move right along if you're not into that kind of thing.

Five things you need to know, do, or point and laugh at...

1) I have a problem with commercials. This is why I pay for TiVo. I compulsively fast forward, but every once in a while I'm assaulted by something truly disturbing. Has anyone seen the one where mother nature is an evil woman who shows up carrying a red box and gives women their "monthly gift" at uncool times like on a first date or as you are wearing all white and landing your private jet on a Hawaiian beach with girlfriends? Really? And I KNOW the illustration didn't just show a red box bouncing around in there trying to get out. Yeah... Seriously... Personally, I don't think a white bathing suit is a good idea ever, but really? I could talk for hours about this.

1a) It's about drinkability. REALLY? This is your beverage marketing slogan? It's DRINKABLE? I find this to be SOOO HUMOROUS that it is, in fact, bothersome. Not better tasting, not less filling, not low calorie... IT'S DRINKABLE? hahaha *puke* hahaha

1b) Okay, I have a serious commercial problem!!! The Charmin Toilet Paper Company MUST BE STOPPED. These filthy disgusting bears and their love of public defecation MUST BE STOPPED. I just saw one last night where they all drive around together in a car, stop in the woods, and take a big family dump. There are no words to describe my horror.

Moving On...

2) I was at Dollar Tree the other day. It was clearly the first time the lady in front of me had been there. She asks the cashier, "How much are the balloons you have over there?" He says, "I think they are a dollar." She counters with, "How much are the foil balloons?" He says, "Actually, those are a dollar too." Does she have a vision problem as well, or are the 75 EVERYTHING'S A DOLLAR posters really really confusing?

Then the people behind me bust in and ask the cashier, "How about these candy bars? The box says 59 cents." The cashier must get this a lot because he says, "Then they must be 59 cents." I however observed the sign says "2 for $1." It's a little scary going out in public sometimes. Very simple concepts confuse people and I'm terrified for the future now.

3) I have a tax man who lives up in Oakhurst. He is a strange man, but his dad used to do my dads taxes so it's sort of a family thing. Once a year I have the privilege of driving up north to cram myself into this strange uneven room. His table is just a GIANT tree stump and the ceiling slopes so that you sort of have to crawl into your chair. It's a crazy HEAVY old orangy chair and there are papers EVERYWHERE. He always keeps an ice chest behind him with Hansen's soda in it and when I leave, I come home with a little tidbit worth sharing.

A few years ago, he shared with me that he enjoys taking a dip in his spa in the morning before coming to work. Fairly normal and not noteworthy right? Did I forget to mention he is always joined by his pet turkey? HAHAHA Uhhh, what?? I was too shocked to really ask any questions, but isn't that called making soup? Isn't that how you cook lobster? I mean, turkeys shouldn't be in the spa, right? Tell me that's strange so I feel better about myself. (PS - he is the nicest guy and does a GREAT job, but I had to share the turkey thing.) I can't make this up people.

4) I had a Mountain Dew "Throwback" the other day. I don't think I have a clear understanding of what the term "Throwback" means. To me it has negative connotations. If it's no good you throw it back, right? As a dew purist, I thought it was gross. I'd rather have the original or nothing at all. High fructose corn syrup FTW!

5) I just want to talk to people who work in the food industry here at good ole #5. I know your job is hard. I know everyone is different and most people are douche's to you. I know most people don't tip well. Now that we've covered a few of the basics that I know, can we talk about some stuff? Friend to friend? I LOVE FOOD. Food and me go WAY back. It's ritualistic and comforting and practically orgasmic. That being said, I think you should understand that I am happy and excited to be in your establishment. However, lets just set a few ground rules here.

The last 3 restaurants I ate at totally fucked up the dance. Don't act like you didn't know eating out is a finely choreographed dance, it SOO is.
*Please allow me to sit down and put my purse down before you are already spewing off your specials. I'm still standing... REALLY?

*Please follow the order of things. I just ate at a place that brought my chips & salsa, guacamole, bean soup, AND entree all at the same time. Then they took my drink order!! The food was DELICIOUS, but I was so disappointed because it was too much.

*Allow me time. Speed is not everything!! Sometimes my entire plan for the night is to enjoy my companions company. I want to chitty chat and savor my tapenade and flatbread. I want to tell a funny story and then get really excited about my beet salad. I want time to reminisce while waiting in hungry expectation for my designer pizza. Get it? The waiting, the expectation, the tease... It's like sex. Can I get a little foreplay PLEASE?**

So anyways, that's what was on my mind today. :)




**Now is NOT the time for your comments to offer advice on my sex life, I'm just trying to be funny here...

And everyone wonders why I never leave my house...

I don't think my little town of Fresno gets enough credit. They say we're the armpit of California. Well, those people are retarded because everyone knows that's Bakersfield. HAHAHA. No, seriously, it may get hot in the summer, but right now the weather is just about DIVINE.

Here at Woodward Lakes things couldn't be more perfect. There are so many trees and the rain made everything super crisp and green. The lake is beautiful and there is a breeze, and I'm going to share with you my hidden little sanctuary.

Sitting out here is so relaxing. I don't worry about anyone or anything. HarMar explores and my mind drifts off. Nature releases me from my judgments and labels and expectations carry away with the breeze.

Why would I leave when I have my own little slice of heaven right here?

City bloggin' - here I come!

So yesterday I was “called out” by my friend* MIke. He was mentioning that our city, Fresno, doesn’t have enough female bloggers. After *AHEM* very politely mentioning that I am indeed female and blog it up quite often, he clarified that I write, but I don’t write about where I live. I, of course, have failed in mentioning my lovely town of residence due to an intense fear of identity theft** but that’s okay, I’ll try anything to make people like me. Plus, I’m trying not go into a tailspin of angst that he questioned my gender and be reasonable that he probably just wants to know about all the AWESOME things I do in this lovely little town.

So whatdaya think folks? Should i take this blog on the road? Dare I actually leave my house and see what mischief I can get into at the farmers market? LIve blog the panic that ensues at Petsmart when my dog (a nervous crapper) decides to take the only dump of his life, in the middle isle, right in front of the “try our new brand of dog food” display? There was also that one time where I nearly met my perilous end at Woodward Park when I had a showdown with an evil cannibal goose! How about I amuse you with my tale of woe from the TOO FAST checkout lady at the Vons at Cedar/Shepard who’s pin code to log into her cash register is NO SHORTER than 100 digits. I like to pretend she’s memorized Pi (π)...

3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993
751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421
170679821480865132823066470938446095505822317253
594081284811174502841027019385211055596446229489
549303819644288109756659334461284756482337867831
652712019091456485669234603486104543266482133936
072602491412737245870066063155881748815209209628
292540917153643678925903600113305305488204665213
841469519415116094330572703657595919530921861173
819326117931051185480744623799627495673518857527
248912279381830119491298336733624406566430860213
949463952247371907021798609437027705392171762931
767523846748184676694051320005681271452635608277
857713427577896091736371787214684409012249534301
465495853710507922796892589235420199561121290219
608640344181598136297747713099605187072113499999
983729780499510597317328160963185950244594553469
083026425223082533446850352619311881710100031378
387528865875332083814206171776691473035982534904
287554687311595628638823537875937519577818577805
321712268066130019278766111959092164201989 (It goes on)

That’s a long ass number to which her register cannot process quickly - okay I got sidetracked and this is quite the traumatic story...

Plus, I fear there is representation “South of Sunnyside” and WAAY too many Tower loving elitists straight South, but who’s going to represent the NORTH SIDE? Us vain, shopoholic, trophy wives need to have a voice, don’t we? Well, not that I’m married, but I have manicure and tanning plans which are sure to snag me a man!

City bloggin’ here I come!




*I say friend lightly as we wouldn’t recognize each other on the streets. Well one look at my blog and he might recognize ME, but only because I’ve got pictures of myself everywhere.

** Yes, I know this doesn’t make any sense since my main identity -MY LIKENESS- is plastered all over the place. Please don’t steal me! Actually, in preparing for my inevitable abduction I’ve systematically taken pictures of myself in every possible pose and hair color like those missing children things where they computer analyze bone structure and determine what you would look like in 20 years or if you were trying to disguise yourself. HA FOOLED YOU! Now you know. Oh wait, or is it fooled me because I was the one trying to hide. Damn it!

I'm famous! But totally not for what I want to be famous for!

Google Analytics doesn't lie. You guys are fucked up. Lately I've become a total stats junky and now I have proof that all four of you readers are sick. Sick sick sick sick SICK!

I looked up keywords and here are a few of my favorites. It's so sad that I know exactly what posts these refer to too!

fisting ((The Bloggess would be so proud! - not that she even knows I exist))
reverse anorexia in women
vegetarian shooting
what does heroin taste like?

Actually, these aren't that great, but I'm half assing it today because I have a lot of work to do! Plus, I have something to go to at 7pm and then a roomie dinner at 8:30 and tomorrow I'm getting my hair done and then the 'rents and I are heading out to Magic Mountain! I'm so excited!!!

PS - yesterday I ate another Chocodile. Here is proof that these things go straight to your hips :(

This is actually motivating. My roomies and I have a trip to Vegas planned and it's time to get serious and slim down so we can be Vegas ready! We've plastered our fridge with Victoria's Secret models and soon we're going to spend an afternoon weeping and beating our chests in lamentation and there will be much gnashing of teeth and dry heaves trying on bathing suits to prep for summer! I can't wait!

Raccoons and Strippers turn out to be oddly similar

I’d like you to look at me. Look up at the top of this blog, maybe to the side, okay, even look below this post... WAIT, Oh my god, how many freakin’ pictures do I have of myself on this blog?? Apparently I should add narcissism to my list of afflictions - geeeezzzzuuussss!

Okay, ANYWAYS, back to me - LOOK AT ME! What you see folks is the the ugly face of addiction! Besides having an addictive personality (Actually, 2 random people have described me recently as “infectious” {in keeping with my narcissistic ways} which I obviously took as a compliment) I am also, quite possibly, addicted to every other possible thing you can be addicted to. To some who read this, that will come across as a rather extreme statement, lest you keep reading and discover I’m also addicted to exaggerating. How can I live larger than life unless I lie, right?

Honestly I believe the government is conspiring against me! There are some things in this life I just cannot live with out.
1) Chapstick
2) Lotion
3) Q-Tips

As I vegetarian, I find beef jerky to be exceptionally unattractive. One hour without one of the above listed products and I shrivel up and age at least 50 years. Okay, that was an exaggeration, my apologies - 30 years... I would age AT LEAST 30 years. Still you skoff? From my stationary chair, I offer you this picture of the lotion/chapsticks I have within an arms reach. And since my roommate Melissa lovingly refers to me as T-rex, that’s like 2 feet max - SERIOUSLY... I’m just sayin’...

Since I’m trying not to be a sensationalist, that HONESTLY was what I found in my desk here at work!

Here’s a new one that’s just starting to rear it’s shiny head - GLITTER. I am totally addicted to glitter. I love looking at sparkly stuff, so much so that now I apply shimmery eye shadow, glitter eye liner, and a glitter liquid liner to my eyes. I have the prettiest eyes if I do say so to my vainglorious self. Truth be told, as the day wears on, the glitter works its way onto my eye lashes and into my eyes and down my face so that by 5 pm all I see is sparkles and shimmers and shooting stars. I live in a prism of glitter reverb that would rival the best LCD trip you’ve ever had. A day seeing through my eyes is probably like being trapped inside a Pink Floyd video. Except, I just googled Pink Floyd videos on youtube - being as I was born in 1978 - and NOW THEY TELL ME they didn’t even have music videos back then - what the fuck!? The few I did watch were of like his concerts and they seemed pretty trippy and you know what? Whatever! Just hum to yourself “Hello Hellooo, is there anybody. out. there. ??” You get the point. It’s a lot of fucking glitter okay - that’s the point!

Hell, I’ve got so much stuff going on that I shouldn’t even be driving. I ran into an old friend at Target 2 weeks ago and she made reference to me resembling a raccoon. I didn’t really understand that analogy since I thought moths were attracted to shiny stuff and raccoons were more garbage bandits of the rodent variety, but then again, you can’t be a true junkie unless you’ve got yourself all hopped up and dug through the trash for dinner right? Soooo maybe she’s right? Actually, the more I think about it, strippers and raccoons have a lot in common. Of course, I haven’t perfected the titty glitter thing just yet - I’ve mostly wanted to be feminist **HEY BUDDY, eyes up here okay?!** but I’m only a year into this and as my tolerance grows I’ll be hittin’ the harder stuff soon enough. GIVE IT TIME PEOPLE!

I think I’m also addicted to smell though. NO, I don’t want to smell you - I’m full of self-love remember? Unfortunately, after about 15 different products (Body wash, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, lotion, perfume, perfumed lotion, hair smoother, hair spray, and more!) I fear I smell like a $3 french whore up in this bitch! Actually, I think the original saying was a $2 french whore, but with the economy right now and the fact that all those products are expensive, I’ve taken the liberty of raising the price a dollar! OH OH, you know what?!?!?! I even have scented body glitter! Can you say OMG!?

By the way, what the hell is a velvet tuberose and why do I always pronounce it turbose? (That's the bath & body lotion scent I prefer) Like I think I want to smell like a large but very fast woman? Like you know, turbo, but the OSE part denotes largeness... Everyone knows this, must I explain every. thing. to. you? Sigh.

Alright people, my 3 o'clock break is over and we're a little less than an hour away from 5 pm's impending disco fever revival, so I gotta go!

As a side not, if this means anything to you - you will know how funny it is.
People that eat chicken feet can’t get diabetes. Say goodbye.

Cool Nerd - OH YEAH

Sometimes thoughts just come to me & I scribble them down & then nothing happens - like this tidbit I apparently wrote 3 weeks ago, but don’t even remember. I believe there is a missing segue somewhere in there between nerds/technology and growing a garden to make it through armageddon. (WTF?) I chuckled - it’s the last paragraph that got me! SO RANDOM!
------------------------------------------------------

Things I do that make me a nerd:

1) Point out all Apple products whenever I see one.
2) Get really upset when TV shows use the “COOL” looking Macs, but block the Apple or portray that a Dell runs the better looking OS X. #FAIL
3) Use the word #FAIL
4) Reference all of my information sources as coming from the internet. “I heard Michelle is in Disneyland” means I saw her MySpace status told me that. Haven’t actually talked to Michelle! Or “People have been saying there’s a new sports bar downtown” means I saw on someones Twitter stream about it. I haven’t talked to anyone or seen the news or read the newspaper in years.
5) Use the internet or my iPhone to check facts or spelling or history in the middle of a debate. Especially if this debate is not happening face to face (Although I usually fess up that I cheated after being declared the winner... USUALLY...)

Here’s my point... Why do we always insist on doing everything the hard way when technology is here to help you? Seriously?

Old school clocks, math, and stick shift cars are taking the blunt of my wrath right now.

Its not like I am inept. I could grow a garden too, but seems a bit easier to go to the grocery store than be out back sweating and harvesting the land. Armageddon is already coming, I’ll rest up until then, thank you!

For no other reason than because I can...

Well Ladies, This one is for you. WHO DOESN'T LOVE MARK WAHLBERG?

I don't think too many words are necessary here, so I'll just step out and leave you two a little alone time!

I'm a terrible blogger...

Sorry folks. I'm a terrible person. I pledged to spend every waking moment putting all my most personal thoughts and all my funniest jokes up on the internet... and then I got busy and I didn't post a goddamned thing for 2 weeks! I suck, I know.

I have all these drafts started, but they are half ass and I'm embarrassed that there would be all this virtual judgment - I live in fear!

I shall leave you with these pictures!

Someone Hates a Bath!

But he cleans up nice!

And this picture is just hilarious to me!

My iPhone has some questions for you.

Seems I've been off the airwaves for a while. That doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about you though! Often times I find myself filled with an overwhelming need to tell the world something. Usually I'm at a store or something so I'll jot it down in my iPhone notepad. Here's what I'm working with:

1) Top 5 rap songs.
2) Why I need $1,000 more a month.
3) Good thing I won't be around in 800 years because all my favorite words will be extinct.
4) Nature is powerful. Have you ever touched a tomato plant?
5) Identity crisis. I am like a puffy cat.
6) Math is the universal language. I'm not good at math. What the fuck?
7) I'm impressed by smart people.

Yeah, that's pretty much what I said. Where the hell was I going with that? I remember thinking... "YES, YES, you HAVE to write a blog about that, but you might forget by the time you get home so why don't you write a little note to refresh your memory when you're ready." Ummm, some of the excitement may have been lost in translation.

Is there anything you have a burning desire to know more about? I think some of those could go funny or really seriously sad and I don't know which is which.

If I get enough comments demanding a blog on one of the above, I'll do it. Majority rules.

I like my ChacoTaco COLD!

So we have a new vending machine at work. I spend hours staring at this thing. I would like to share with you my newest obsession:

1) The Incredible Meal Machine: Umm, 6 out of 12 of these are dessert - does that constitute a meal?
2) What exactly do all those fresh vegetables have to do with pizza, burgers, & ice cream?
3) I feel like this is some sort of cryogenics machine. The ominous plexiglass window that looks into nothing fascinates me.
4) JUST HEAT 'N EAT... ummmm, 6 of these 12 items are ice cream, last time I checked I liked my ChacoTaco COLD! (There's a really raunchy pussy joke in there somewhere, but it's late so I'll leave it up to you)

WTF

Yeah... so driving around town the other day, I saw this...

We could talk 20 minutes about the intricate details of everything wrong with this photo.
1) Is that a dead animal hanging from the back?
2) Is this a mobile memorial to some sort of deceased person?
3) Is that a strange blow up doll on the trunk?
4) What the fuck? I'm mean seriously? What is going on here? I am MYSTIFIED!

Also, I was window shopping and saw THIS...

Did I miss something? Clearly there was a memo sent out that I did not get.
1) This is the best outfit you could come up with for your window?
2) Are shorts okay this short on ANYONE? Umm, no
3) Short shorts with white boots and a popped collar?
4) Did I leave the planet via alien abduction or parallel universe wormhole? Because, What the fuck?

Alright, I'm in bed, I'm tired, and I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. I'm going to bed now. Much love! Goodnight!

Affordable affluence, Cucumber Dreams, & Conversational Civility

Things on my mind...

1) How come so many homeless and poor people are fat? Isn't obesity a sign of affluence? Okay, talking any more about that subject will get me in trouble - I was just wondering.

2) Am I the only one who sees the cleaning companies diabolical scheme to sexually frustrate American homes everywhere? There are plenty of studies out there saying that the scent that "turns on" a woman is cucumber. (Yes Yes, save your phallic jokes for someone else) The scent that "turns on" a man is lavender. (also pumpkin pie, but everyone loves that, so that's weird)

Anyways, now I'd like you to go do a little research. See if you can find any dish soap, fabric softener, or cleaning spray that isn't freakin' cucumber or lavender!! I know most women think a man that does chores is sexy, but this is starting to take on more meaning.

3) What happened to SHAME? Why is everyone so comfortable with talking about things they shouldn't? If I run into you at the grocery store and ask where your husband is, DO NOT tell me about his case of explosive diarrhea!! A simple "he's not feeling well" would have sufficed. I don't need or want to know the details of your lactose intolerance, your intestinal gas, acid reflux, your last really good bowel movement, heartburn, or that time you had the flu. There used to be a time when we didn't speak about such things. I'm a visual person too. Any and everything you say to me, I picture you doing. My brain works in pictures. This is probably why I have an INTENSE aversion to bathroom humor, but anyways - please people - a little conversational civility would be MUCH APPRECIATED!

Well, those were just a few things on my mind tonight. Hope they brought about at least a chuckle.