Don't be offended...

Can I just tell you something? And can you not take it personal?

This is probably no secret to most of you, but I pretty much despise children. No, not YOUR children!! Yours are little angels... :)

Let me tell you why... I would consider myself a dedicated hard working person. I may have my emotional problems but I’d much rather fill that empty hole in my heart with food than the unconditional love of a child. I have chosen not to have children. FOr more than one reason. I, personally, have issue with the whole “giving birth” process in the first place. Plus, it is a huge responsibility, extremely expensive, and WILL change your life forever. I’m ok with my life. I’ve put thought and effort into it and that is the decision I have made.

I’m sure there are a few of you out there who really wanted kids, THOUGHT ABOUT IT, and also live a life conducive to raising children. Good for you.

But what I want to say is this - WHY must YOUR PROBLEM become my problem? For every one of you who have children flying from your womb like pez dispenser, there is someone at your job carrying your responsibility.

Every time you have to leave work early to pick them up from day care or wherever...
ME - working late.
Every school play, teacher parent conference, soccer game or whatever you choose to leave work for...
ME - still working - handling your projects.
Every time you can’t get a baby sitter or your kid is sick or it was foggy day schedule...
ME - scrambling to meet the deadlines you couldn’t because of your children.

THAT is why I don’t like children. Life throws enough things at you. Doctors appointments and flat tires and family emergencies, but I don’t get the same luxuries! I don’t get to stay home and hope someone will make sure my job gets done. If “I” was sick and flakey I’d get fired, but if it was my babies... No big deal - we understand.

And it’s not like you can really voice the opinions I just did publicly without facing jail time. UGH! Whatever people, whatever... Get it together ok?

Sitting with Jealousy...

SOOO, I haven’t written in a while. And I really hate that when i do feel the urge to write it’s perceived as negative... I don’t know if I’d really call this negative as much as I’d call it growth though.

I think I’m just having a hard time with jealousy. And not jealousy about dating and relationships, etc. But more about THINGS. I suppose that’s even worse because it’s selfish and shallow and doesn’t really “MATTER”... But I’m finding that it’s bothering me. And I find myself coming back to a lot of - I wish, I want, I need... and they are all mostly materialistic things.

I wish I could afford to get my nails done...
I want new furniture, new pictures for my bedroom, a new car...
I need new clothes, new shoes, jewelry...

See what I mean? It’s almost embarrassing to admit.

So, that’s what I’ve been sitting with. I started something new a few weeks ago. I decided to start writing a gratitude journal. It’s not about material things but just whatever happened during my day I was thankful for. A friend, a smile, a good meal... something positive and truly appreciated. I know this has been a problem for me so I wrote about all the things that I’m thankful for that I already have. I won’t say it fixed anything because the next day I went on a grand adventure through river park and realized I “need” new plates for my kitchen from Sur Le Table... and “want” a new trench type jacket from White House/Black Market, and “Wish” I could just shop all day like many of rich kept women that I know :(

Sigh... I’ll keep sitting with this... And maybe if I’m smarter with the money I DO make, I’ll come out ahead and be able to make that future I want a reality. (Not to be a kept woman... BTW! ... the other stuff ...)

Happy thoughts... positive thoughts... appreciative thoughts...

IQ/EQ

So I had an interesting conversation last night about intellect and emotional intelligence. I haven’t quite figured out which one is better to have. Although I would say (and have been told by others) that I am fairly perceptive and pretty in touch with my emotions. Most EVERYTHING I “Feel”. I can reason stuff out factually too, but ultimately I think I trust what my gut tells me. It may get me into a bit of trouble (LOL) but I don’t think I would change anything. It has gotten me far. I also think that when you FEEL, the world is a brighter place. Of course, when it’s low, it’s also A LOT lower, but somehow I like the technicolor aspect my emotions bring me.

I don’t know if it’s mostly a man thing or the result of some trauma that causes a person to lose touch with their true feelings. I wonder how do you connect to your feelings? I’m having hard time contemplating it because that hasn’t been the case for me in a long time. I do believe true growth and connection comes from some sort of tragedy that jolts you to your senses... that leaps you forward in your evolution to becoming whole and balanced.

Actually, there was quite some time where I didn’t really “feel” things. When I was growing up, I felt anger (a false emotion) and a lot of injustice at my home life. My mom really didn’t seem to care what I was going through. We were a “happy” house and she did not allow time for weakness. I know time after time after time if I was caught crying she would yank me out of my room and tell me to do the dishes or rake the yard or make the bed or something. She would say “this is a happy house! You have a good life! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something productive!”

If i cried in an argument it went about the same. She stopped listening. I remember I used to grab onto my arm and squeeze and pinch with my nails until my arm would bleed to distract myself from my emotional pain - to try and earn some respect for being tough. I was VERY disconnected from myself. Mostly as a survival technique. And here I was wondering how I ever wound up cutting myself. Seems that’s clear now, huh?

I think the hard part for me was reconciling that crying is not a weakness. That your emotions (while they can be overpowering and need to be controlled to some degree) do not make you weak. That our feelings are our pure expression of self. They can be both a release and a fulfillment. To not be in touch with them is really cheating yourself out of something. I know that I love to hear people say nice things, but when I FEEL their warmth and pure expression of their heart, it’s beyond words how touched I am.

Now all that being said - what is the difference between being smart and being educated? Because I would consider myself smart. My IQ is like 135 (that’s decent, right?) I’m able to grasp concepts. Sometimes I need to have things explained to me a couple different ways until I “Get It” but then I don’t need anymore help. I’m pretty good at most things and would say that there isn’t anything i can’t do if I have the desire and put my mind to it. I like learning new things. Problem solving. I’m a good speller, decent writer. However, I’m not so good at math. I couldn’t tell you who wrote Moby Dick or what the difference is between impressionist paintings and a Monet. I don’t really care to watch the history channel or ponder if there were or were not dinosaurs. I have no idea about geography or politics etc. So.... do those things make me dumb? Or UnEducated? I think I can hold a fairly intelligent conversation on a wide range of topics with a variety of people. But often somewhere inside I come up feeling like I’m about the lamest person on the earth because I’m not “educated” or “travelled” or “book smart”. I SUCK at Trivial Pursuit - let me just tell you. As a matter of fact, I cried after the last game I played and don’t plan on playing it again! (Of course, I’m making this more about my feelings and not intelligence, aren’t i? ha ha ha - that’s actually funny!)


Well, it’s another day of self (discovery) (exposure) (esteem) (--you fill in the blanks--)

See ya!

Fantasy Land...

I think I live in fantasy land. In fact, I know I do. And who wouldn’t want to? After all, Reality is so harsh.

I just want to know 1 thing - Why does everything have to be so difficult? In my head I’ve really worked out that things are very simple and the drama is so unnecessary.

I’m not saying you don’t have to work for things, but must each experience be so painful? Must each gain require so much loss? And sometimes the answer is just flat out NO, I can’t quite wrap my brain around it.

I guess all i’m trying to say is that, I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’m a happy person. And I know I will be ok. So I’m ready to wrap this up and move on now. I want to tie all these feelings up in a pretty little box with a fluffy little bow and mail them away and go back to my happy go lucky self.

I fear, though, that all I’m doing is distracting myself and not really solving my problems. Everyone has their story. Everyone has their disfunction. I suppose I’m just so mostly confused by how I know what is others problems and disfunction versus what similar types of others problems I seem to draw to me. You see, that would make it MY problem. Hmmmm.

I think said most everything I wanted to say in my last blog so I won’t really reiterate - although a lot of that really does weigh on my mind. I have so much calculating left to do. What I WANT to do vs. what i NEED to do vs. what i SHOULD do.

I have more to say, but I need to go. And I should really quit putting these bad vibes out into the universe. I need to get back to “myself”... I need to do some yoga, my meditations, walking... all the things that I enjoy. I really need to refocus my energies, because it seems left to my own devices my energy becomes a bit chaotic and negative. I feel better already!

Thank the pasts for the lessons it has taught you..

I sort of thought it appropriate to pull out some of my most poignant blogs over the past couple years and memorialize then here. I was really thinking about my life these past few weeks and I have to say that I'm a half way decent writer - to say the least. Those blogs truly and acturately captured moments in time for me.

In my ponderings I'm trying to figure out what lesson I am to learn from my current experience so that i can LEARN it and move past this place in my life.

I keep falling back on the "contradictions" I see in myself. I was thinking about my growing up. I have always felt like I know what I "had to do"... even though it was never what I wanted to do. It was like my whole life was about pleasing others and never myself. Like I was put here on this earth to be a living sacrifice for whoever needed it. I could give examples, but it would take too long as it has been my entire childhood. And w/ my mother, she was always right. Even if it was something dumb, like, "I think McDonalds hamburgers are better than Wendy's" the answer was "No you don't, Wendy's are better." Story of my life that a difference in opinion was never good enough. I had to think the same as her. I simply state the hamburger example to spare you another discussion on the bible, hair color, clothes, sex, piercings, tattoo's, music, or ANYTHING one could form an opinion on.

I made up my mind years ago to take the path of least resistance (mostly because I had no choice when I was under 18) and simply agree, but in my head, I would KNOW how I felt, KNOW what I beleived. This is a very unhealthy pattern that i have had for 15+ years now.

Usually when talking to people (people i'm close to), I would consider myself extremely honest and open and trusting and pretty much raw in terms of expressing my true self and where I am in life and my shortcomings and everything. Yet, the contradiction being WHY do I do that?

I have this HUGE abandonment issue stemming from my disfellowshipping. i feel like everyone that has ever mattered has left me. If even your own mother can walk away from you (the one person who truly knows who you are), how could I ever find someone who would be willing to make a lasting commitment to me once I laid bare my soul? And still with the impending rejection, I time and time again put it out there and out there and out there, waiting for the ball to drop. Because once the real me is known, that's where the "terms" come in and the negotiations begin. If you beleive this way and act this way and do this for me, then I will love you and accept you. I don't want to be the living sacrifice anymore. I want to be me and that ME be good enough.

Contradiction also stems from this. Somehow this rejection has left me so hurt and yet at the same time strengthened. I think deep in my head I still KNOW what I think and what I want and I just forge on through. This has left me marked as "selfish". Well, what really constitutes being selfish? Don't I have the right to do what fulfills me, makes me happy, helps me be whole? I don't think I do these things at the expense of others. But it seems like doing these things AT ALL is what makes them wrong.

I wonder if anyone really knows the real me? I wonder if I do? I just feel like I'm as pretty as I am ugly. As weak as i am strong. As whole as I am fragmented. As smart as I am dumb. As confident as I am confused. As fat as i am thin. I hear over and over and over from many different sides that I'm a great person. A fun person. Happy and positive and giving and one of a kind. Cute and clumsy and lovable and adorable and special and irreplacable. Dedicated, hard working, creative, loyal, and talented. (i'm not bragging) I suppose I don't get it, because I don't see where it's gotten me. I don't really have what I want. I feel sad and unfulfilled. I want to know why all those good things only seem to bring obstacles?

Of course, i've also heard numerous times that I'm a hard ass, cold, calculating, and a bitch. That I'm selfish and stubborn, hard nosed and extreme. Sigh. Who is this person that some of you claim to know??

I just feel like a hurt little girl, desperate and begging for someone to take me as I am. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to be numb. I don't want to cry at work anymore. I don't want to express myself in more drastic ways either. it's no secret that I'm a cutter. Sometimes things just seem so unreal. It's almost like you need to do it to see if this is really happening. Other times, I just feel like my load is too heavy to express. How could crying truly convey the hurt? Sometimes it's a cry for help. A desperate reach for someone to say "are you ok?". I once carved the word HELP onto my arm. No one noticed... (How special am I again?) Most times it's the only way to help me suck it up so i can go about the motions of doing what I know I "need to do." How's that for a random sharing of my most raw and intimate details?

Well, I think it's time for bed. I'm exhausted and I don't know where these ramblings have led to. Jumbled mess? Hardley the path to self discovery I was hoping for. Please disregard.

Stuff I forget

I’m always saying to myself - OH, I want that and then when it comes time for me to get something I’m like, what CD was that? What restaurant did I want to try? What what what... I’m a forgetter! So maybe I should try writing it down!

Things I realistically want...

1) I want so many different CD’s!! (Joss Stone, Amy Winehouse, Jill Scott, etc)
2) Movies - The Truth About Charlie
3) Smallville Season 6 (available in sept)
4) A bedside carafe from www.cb2.com (the “Twilight Carafe”) Only $14.95! I’m obsessed!
5) The recipe for Flamenco’s garbanzo beans.

Things I UNrealistically want RIGHT NOW...

1) The iPhone. I’m beside myself with excitement - just beside myself
2) Lexus IS350
3) a new MacBook that can run both Windows and OS X
4) A personal assistant
5) The end of religious nonsense LOL
6) To lose 20 lbs. No that’s not too thin BTW!

Well, that’s all I got going on today. TTYL

Brookhaven...

Has anyone seen this show? It’s the only hospital in America that specializes in treating the morbidly obese. And let me tell you, they show EVERYTHING on this show. MY GOD! While my boyfriend will agree that I do have an unhealthy fascination with shows like that, deep inside it horrified me.

1st of all - What a county we live in where it’s literally possible to eat ourselves to death. EVEN IF YOU’RE POOR!

2nd of all - What is it like to be so disconnected from yourself that you literally cannot figure out how to change?

I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to be still in the present moment. To really grasp reality. I wonder what it’s like to just “check out” and eat 6 cheeseburgers in one sitting? Or an ENTIRE bag of chips? What gets me THE MOST about these shows is the common thread “I don’t really eat much more than the average person.” “I just have a really show metabolism” Well, I would imagine drinking straight gravy would slow my metabolism down too. And we wonder why our children are getting fatter and fatter and fatter? One of the obese ladies kids (who weighed over 300lbs) said that he was starting to have chest pains and his hand was going numb, but he didn’t know what was wrong with him and should probably go to a dr. REALLY!? You don’t know what’s wrong with you? REALLY!?!

Not that I’m skinny. But I’m doing my best to be healthy and not gain any weight! Drinking water, taking my vitamins, more veggies, less breads, no soda (29 days now - WOO HOO) and the like. And exercise. Today I woke up at 5am and walked 2.4 miles! Somewhere in there is the key to weight loss, I just KNOW IT!

Onto subject #2.

What is up with the sexualization of little children? John and I ran to the store to pick out bathing suits for his 2 girls upcoming school trip to the water park. Is wearing a one piece about as uncool as having a head covering these days, or what? EVERYTHING was 2 pieces. Which is fine, I suppose, but even the 2 pieces were a bit risque. Does a 9 year old really need a french cut bikini? John was just about beside himself over a couple of them.

Long story short, we did a great job, found two really cute ones, and all is well. It’s just scary. I know in some morally devoid parts of the country they have thong panties for little girls, but as things go along is this something we’re gonna find at Target now?

Alright folks, that’s my commentary for the day. Little off beat from my normal ramblings, but worth writing about. Am I edgy now Karen?

Mars

Regrets?

Well, hair being super important to most women - and me being a hair “changer” - I finally went crazy and cut it all off.

I’m beginning to wonder if it was the right decision or not. I know I got lots of compliments on it, but now when I look in the mirror, I’m not feeling so great. I hope it’s just today... cuz let me tell you - I cut it SHORT and it’s gonna take a while to grow back...

Today I had to run and get blood drawn and I’m coming off of a 3 day weekend and I’m waiting to resign my lease, etc etc... so hopefully it’s just jumbled stress that is making me feel my hair isn’t so great.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Help me!

SOO, does anyone have a teenage child that they want to teach responsibility to.........??

I’m just saying...

*Summer vacation is coming up.
*They want to earn a few extra bucks.
*I need help keeping my head above water.

I just need someone to walk the dog, pick up my dry cleaning, run to the store to grab some errands, maybe do the dishes, vacuum, and clean the bathroom.

I’ll sacrifice somewhere to make this happen. You know you want some extra cash. C’MON!!!!!!!!

PLEASE!?!?!?!?

Anger Issues

I wouldn't say I'm one to really even experience anger, but I think I now have a better understanding of what it is to be a man.

I have been experiencing an "almost" uncontrollable urge to just GO CRAZY. Scream, yell, throw things, break things... Apparently I'm just a bit stressed out!

Like yesterday...

After a stressful day at work, I was held over in the parking lot talking about some serious stuff. This caused me to miss my yoga class. So as I drive back towards my house I realize I have to plan 3 birthday parties and a goodbye party and a sandwich sale for the make-a-wish by Wed. I run to Me-N-Eds for a gift certificate. After 10 minutes of waiting, they inform me their manager is off for the next 3 days...

LAME - but ok... no problem.

Then over to Savemart where I'm trying to add up in my head everything from Get Well cards to Sandwich Pickles to birthday cake. (All which I am making by the way) I think I have everything (hey what's another $34... I already have ZERO in my bank account, but why not be nice and give some more to charity)

Get home... oh guess who didn't put 1 crucial bag in my car!!?!? Maybe that was a bit of an angry tingle I felt... So i rush home anyways to get my stuff together to go to Johns to watch Heroes... and he's making dinner (sweetheart that he is) As I go out to load up my car (And my hands are FULL of everything you can imagine...) I realize that my goddamn car has *AGAIN* locked its own doors. (it does this if you open and close the trunk... it locks the doors)

I really did have a moment. I was this close to just throwing down the glass baking sheet I was holding and rolling around in the broken glass... Just go crazy. CRAZEEE... I don't even know if I can explain it to you. But no no no, that's rediculous...

Now I'm a bit stressed so I race back to Savemart w/ the dog to retrieve my bag of stuff. I get that and I race clear back the other direction to Johns house. I get there and his driveway is on a steep slant. The dog jumps out of the car and JUST as my hands are full, the weight of the car door slams shut on my legs and knocks the carton of eggs out of my arms and onto the ground. Talk about my blood boiling! I think my eyes just glazed over.

I recover... no screaming... no nothing and walk up to the door and - the - front - door - is - locked! I've got my hands full of glass and broken eggs and a wild dog peeing on everything and the fucking door is locked?! The garage door is shut!?! The side gate is padlocked!?! So I ring ring ring ring ring ring ring the door bell no answer. Call call call call call the cell phone - no answer.

You want to talk about getting angry?!??! You want to talk about going crazy!?!?!? Just fucking losing it right there on the front lawn!?!?!? OH YEAH! Guess who was upstairs watching TV and playing his guitar without a care in the world? He better be happy he's so damn cute!

So anyways, as a very uneventful end to the story, I had a drink, we ate taco salad and watched Heroes and went to bed by 10:30...

But seriously, is this what it's like to be a guy... to have this uncontrollable anger just well up inside of you? MY GOD, it's HORRIBLE! I DEFINITELY DEFINITELY need to build myself a little meditation room and get a grip on myself. YIKES!

Can I just say...

Yoga is great. :) I'm not having the best day, I'm hungry, tired, and I have a head ache and a stomach ache. I really never ever feel that way. I usually feel great actually! Well, the way I work is to obsess and obsess until I'm basically ready to be hospitalized. I had about 10 minutes where I was ***THIS*** close to going home sick.

In case you forgot, today is day two of my crusade against soda addiction. How pathetic would it be for me to go home because I couldn't have a soda? ***THIS*** close I tell you. So I decided this was ridiculous and certainly not very "Positive Thought" of me... So I started envisioning myself feeling great. Of visualizing myself detoxing. I took several big drinks of water and then I did some yoga poses. Not that I really know what I'm doing, but I stretched, I focused on my breathing, and I did some simple twists. I FEEL GREAT! It was just what I needed to refocus my thoughts and my energy. Guess what? I'm going to live!! LOL

As for everything else, things are pretty good. Tonight I get to go see one of John's daughters recitals. Her name is Kyleigh and she plays the flute. It is also the first dreaded official meeting with the "ex" wife. LOL. Not that dreaded, but enough to mention it, ya know? I'll be sure to let you know how well it goes. I get the distinct impression that no matter what I do, she would still have a snide comment for me.

So, this is me doing myself a favor and not getting all panicked about it. If I showed up looking like Cindy Crawford and gave her a million dollars I bet she'd still hate me. (Keep in mind it was HER choice to be an "ex" so it's not like she should be saying anything) What's the point in worrying then, right?

SOO, since I have to leave early, I should go grab my salad and eat my lunch real quick. But I just had to share that I feel good now :)

The end of an era... and other dumb stuff.

Well, no one goes to rehab sober right? As I've seen my life spin wildly out of control these last few months I've realized it's time for a change. My addiction has affected my life negatively in the following ways...

Ok ok... so I'm just talking about Mountain Dew and food... But I have decided to go on a diet starting tomorrow and I'm drinking my last glorious mt dew right now. AHHHH.... I've notified my friends and family of my new commitment to stop drinking soda and hopefully they support me. If I'm grumpy, it's nothing personal, I SWEAR!

Anyways, there are so many things I can write about, but now I'm drawing a blank. As usual, it's Sunday and I'm here at work. So much stuff to do. It never ends! Why, you ask, am I writing a blog then? Good question. I should probably get back to work!!!

I have to leave to go to "meeting" (church) in about an hour anyways. UGH... that's such a kink in my day.

Tomorrow morning I have to drop my car off at the service center. The air conditioner is on the fritz. Sometimes it works, sometimes it blows hot air even when on cold. Gotta get THAT straightened out before summer hits. I keep hearing people say - What's with this weather, I can't wait for it to quit messing around and get warm.

UMMMM... HELLO!!! You WANT it to get warm? (This is 90% my boyfriend who just built a pool and wants an excuse to start using it... but still) I was just in Laughlin, NV last Monday and Tuesday. It was 109 degrees there. I can personally tell you, I am NOT ready for it to be warm. UGH! NO NO NO! It was so hot, that at one point I actually had to go in the office and sit down for a second.

So yeah, I do need to get back to work. We've got a new hire starting tomorrow and she'll be in my office for the next couple of weeks. I really do prefer to work alone so this will take a little getting used to.

But, now you all know I'm still alive. Just busy. Same old lame story. Just running from one thing to the next. I almost feel like I need to take vacation from my life so I can straighten out things. Do any of you ever feel like that? Is there ever a break for you to catch your breath or is that just how things are now-a-days?

K, I'm off. TTYL!

Sigh...

I’m sure this entry will jump all over the place. Let me start out with this preface:

THIS DOESN’T APPLY TO YOU. THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU. JUST IGNORE IT AND LET ME SAY WHAT I NEED TO SAY. Thank you :)

Now, I know I have a lot of pet peeves. I’m a pretty particular person actually. In fact, it’s been told to me it’s probably damn near impossible to live with me or be in any sort of relationship with me because of the high expectations I place on myself and others. Plus, I know I like things to be “just so” and in a certain “order” and for the “right reasons”... You know all that annoying crap that people get tired of dealing with? LOL Anyways...

Here’s a pet peeve for you. WHY?? WHY do you bother to email me, if you are simply going to call me LITERALLY FIVE SECONDS later to ask me if I got your fucking email? Jesus christ - if it is that important, wouldn’t you just call me FIRST? SIGH. DO NOT do this people!! If you email me and I (soon after) walk by, do not ask me if I got your email. My mail auto checks itself every FOUR MINUTES. I WILL GET TO IT! I’m already one of those annoying people who immediately responds to email, but at least give me 5 minutes to type my reply before you are calling me to see if I got it. GOD I HATE THAT!

Ever come to a point in your life where you realize your age and you’re okay with it? By that I mean, not that I’m okay with being “old” but just that I’m ready to act my age. Embrace my own maturity. Does that mean I’m not goofy and dumb and spontaneous and cool and all those things anymore - I don’t think so. But while 21 and 25 may seem different, there is SUCH A HUGE difference between 23/24 and 28/29. I’ve already been married and divorced... bought and sold houses... I’m done with school. I have a 401k. My mom is not listed on my bank account. And I can say I’m okay with that! I have my career. My furniture and appliances are things that I paid for with my own hard earned money, not hand me downs and that’s how I want it to be.

That being said, I’m probably not in the healthiest place right now. I’m healthy, but I’m a bit stressed. I’m juggling a lot. A lot in my home life, my personal life, my work life, and I even have some medical issues to sort thru. When these things happen upon me (and trust me, life is like a never ending roller coaster, this “point” has come and gone before and will come again) I sort of have a routine I fall into until it passes. Such as:

When my life is hectic and cluttered, I LOCK down my house. I clean and scrub and organize until there is not ONE thing to do. It’s mopped and polished to perfection. This is almost like a physical manifestation of my brain. A way of cleaning up all the clutter, sorting thru my thoughts, and refocusing myself. Then as I’m going about my day and I have a panicked moment where I think UGH, I have to go home and clean, I can go “No wait, everything at home is fine. That is your haven. It’s sparkling clean and awaiting your return.”

And upon my long drive towards my home I even secretly pray that no one be there. You know that quiet celebration you have when you know you have the house to yourself? Where you don’t have to be considerate, you can play music at 6 am when you take a shower or turn the TV up as loud as you want! Those are the moments I cherish. I suppose because I it is physically impossible for me to relax around others. I WILL ALWAYS have some sort of dialog in my head (a constant evaluation of the circumstances) to make sure everyone is happy, and what I should do, and how I should act, etc etc. But then I’m home alone and it’s just me. I don’t have to worry about ANYTHING or ANYONE!

Somehow having roommates on spring break doesn’t help me work thru this particular time in my life. I had to be the uncool old lady who shut down the drunken impromptu party thrown at 3am last Friday night. How uncool am I? Tuesday night I mopped and straightened and scrubbed the counters downstairs. I haven’t vacuumed yet, but that’s this weekend because I’m going to steam clean the carpets. However, yesterday they had a BBQ. I left work after an 11 hour day and chose to go work out some of my anxiety with 2 hours of intense yoga practice instead of being brow beaten at church or pretending to be cool at the BBQ. Got home at 9pm and the party was still in full swing. I realized I still wasn’t relaxed enough to entertain any of the youngin’s partying in my living room. I just needed things to be quiet. So I grabbed the dog and went to my boyfriends. He was just about the sweetest and had dinner made and even a glass of wine. We chatted for a bit and then went to bed in a quiet and empty house. Aaahhhh.

However, upon returning this morning at 6am I was just as surprised to NOT find my clean little slice of heaven. Cases of beer everywhere. Food left out. Things moved around. Oh, and even someone sleeping on my couch. Sigh... See what I mean about feeling your age?

Of course they will clean it up and it was 6am, but no one has the attention to cleaning detail that I have. I mean, it bothers me just knowing there is a dirty bathroom in my house even if I never use it, let alone when the mess and clutter migrates its way down to the living area where I have to be.

Now here they are, reading this and feeling guilty or bad. I will require that you read my disclaimer again at the beginning of this blog. This isn’t about you. This is about me. This is about the place in life where I am right now. I didn’t come home to a dirty house. I came home to a cluttered brain. I wasn’t upset that you threw a party. It’s your house too. I’m just tired and stressed out.

But as with everything, I lack the ability to really let something go until I say it/type it/write it. You know, release it into the universe. Now I’ve done that and I feel better. Party on Wayne!

Ever notice...?

Ever notice how things move in slower motion than a John Woo film?
(Yeah, thats right, I said it. You know Mission Impossible II was only a 20 minute movie in slow motion dragged out to 2 hours)

I mean, I swear to god - I’m just trying to drive from Joann’s Fabrics to my house. That’s less than 4 miles I’m sure! SLOW MOTION people... The traffic lights, the acceleration, the lane changes.... Tom Cruise could have done 3 or 4 spinning kicks AND a motorcycle jump in John Woo land before these people could figure out which one was the gas pedal. Ok, truth be told I’m really enjoying this segment of my blog. Crackin myself up I tell ya!

Ever notice something about yourself that you already knew, but then it hits you RIGHT between the eyes? Like I always say I’m an emotional eater. Listen people... I AM AN EMOTIONAL EATER! I just got it today. I was sitting there at work and things got really hectic for a second - phone calls, people paging me, computers breaking, a phone call from my mother... ALL AT ONCE. Guess who blurts out “I’m STARVING!” I wasn’t really hungry, but I had this unbelievable urge to eat. WILD...

Ever notice that you’ve packed your life so full of activities that you never have a moment to rest? I know some of you feel me on this one. Every once in a while I have a bit of an emotional breakdown. When do things slow down? When can I get ahead? How do I decide which thing to let go when I love every single thing I’m doing right now? I don’t know if I could live with myself if I accepted defeat and just went back to being ordinary. I think that’s my realization... I don’t want to be normal, I want super powers. I want to be perfect. I want to be a go to person for EVERYTHING. I want to be super woman. People have started to tell me I’m looking tired. Asking me if I’m “ok” in that weird way where they are really telling you the stress is written all over your face. I keep thinking, no I just need to get better, faster, smarter, more focused, more organized and then I can have it all. Unfortunately, that just brings more responsibility my way.

I know I have a tendency to hoard things... to do them myself so I know they will be done right. Well, so so sadly, I looked at my “to do” list and realized there is nothing left to delegate. It’s 16 things (all work, not even in my personal life) and it’s all ME baby. You know, those things that would take you longer to teach someone than to do yourself. Sigh. Can someone please come over and take my dog for a walk? Take my dry cleaning? Clean my house? Put gas in my car? I need a personal assistant I think. Any takers? no....? :( :( oh... :(

Ever notice that there is a crisis going on with the female gender? Sure girls can get fake nails and do their hair perfectly and shop all day and night... But can they arrange flowers in a vase? Can they throw a dinner party? Can they cook? Are they clever? I’m not just talking about women who stay at home and have all day to refine their craftiness. I work... TRUST ME. But it’s like talking to a brick wall sometimes when it comes to coming up with an original thought. I want to be A WOMAN. Confident and strong, but still cute.. still a compliment to any environment.

Ever notice that you’ve written WAY too much and you have stuff to do? I have to go be crafty now and make a Miss America sash that says “Birthday Boy 2007” on it for this guy at work tomorrow because it’s his birthday and that’s what I do. Have a nice night.

Georgia Peach...

More like Georgia deep fried turkey. These people haven't seen a vegetable or fresh piece of fruit EVER! I know it seems like I'm harping on food all the time, but it certainly is different over here.

Seems the coleslaw here in Georgia is much better than I remember it being in North Carolina. But every vegetable that's come my way has been cooked with a ham hock, laced with beef, or soaked in broth of some sort. Yesterday, I shed a small tear when they offered pasta salad and some green beans. Today was macaroni and cheese and green beans. I was very happy today too. I over ate! I'm sure I've gained 5 lbs. I'm probably at 4,000 calories a day.

Also, it must have been quite some time since I've had big red gum. Did they add some sort of cayenne pepper to it OR WHAT? I'll never buy it again. I bought multipack for all the guys and took a piece and my tongue BURNS. sometimes you just need gum though, so now i'm forced to keep trying this over and over. It's like fire! So then i look at the package and it has a little FLAME on it! Do people really like cinnamon to be that strong?

I wish other people could share my fascination with RV's with me. I'm in AWE of every detail. From the community, to the money, to the business side of it (Sales, salespeople, finance) to the decor/design/advertising, and industry. Do you have any idea how many MILLIONS of dollars I'm sitting here looking out at? Most of you have stopped reading this by now. That's too bad because I was just going to tell you how amazing it is to see these MASSIVE machines drive around. The spaces they fit them in is AMAZING to me.

I miss my yoga classes. It's just impossible to do anything here. I especially hesitate to bend and stretch and breath with all these guys around here. So cut out all exercise and add triple the unheatlhy food - it's not a good combo. My stomach isn't feeling so well right now. I'm starting to suspect those delicious green beans were cooked in chicken broth. They were so salty and good. SIGH.

This is starting to be a really long post isn't it?

Well, I guess I'll wrap it up for now and try to do some work. Or maybe I'll attempt to find a way to keep myself awake since my boss and I went on a grand adventure looking for something cool to do and didn't get back until after 2am! And that left me with only 4 hours sleep!

Cheezits & Mt Dew

Who’s with me here? What’s your favorite indulgence? I think I could LIVE on Cheezits and Mt Dew. I’d die at 35, but OMG I would enjoy every snacking moment!!! My 2nd favorite is Cherry Coke and some sort of chocolate. Like those chocolate donettes. Or a Mr Goodbar. Something like that. MMMM MMMM

Anyways, I’m only obsessing on that stuff because I’m trying to be good here. And my boss isn’t making it easy for me. He and I both LOVE soda. And as an attempt to make each other feel less guilty about drinking it, we will buy each other a soda so we don’t have to drink it alone. We both leave on Sunday for Georgia, we just went live with a new computer system, etc etc. Things are busy. So he comes in today with a soda and I was like - YOU HAVE TO STOP THIS... It’s a SICKNESS! And he was like “We’re going out of town anyways, this week is shot, just drink it! Ok, I’m drinking it. UNDER DISTRESS! Yeah right. LOL. He’s too nice to me.

Although, after all this yoga (etc) I am noticing my body looks different. I haven’t really lost any weight (maybe 3 - 4 lbs) but I just feel BUFF! I mean, I have some serious muscles going on in my arms and my legs. Even my stomach. It’s not that there’s any less of me, but it is definitely moving around somehow. I LIKE IT! I feel really good about myself :) I know it’s kinda cheesy to most of you with the hug yourself, love yourself yoga thing, but I don’t care what you all say now. I’m happy, I’m like myself, and I’m starting to get majorly healthy.

So I’m starting to get excited about my trip to Georgia. Don’t ask me why. Macon, GA isn’t exactly a cool place. Although I did just find out that on our way back home we are going to be spending the night in Atlanta for St Patricks day. Yup Yup, me and the PERV crew drinking in the ATL. LOL! Am I gangsta or what? 1 bad part tho is that we fly out at the ungodly hour of 6am. Think that’s bad enough? Well, apparently the time changes that morning so we lose an ADDITIONAL hour. That means by the end of Sunday I’ll have lost essentially FOUR HOURS. sigh. Not everything can be perfect right?

OH!! and for any of you interested, we’re doing some awesome stuff for the make a wish foundation here at my work. I’m on the committee. If any of you like Gold Canyon Candles, let me know! We are selling them to raise money (Over 50% of the proceeds go towards our goal!) Also, we are having a huge company sponsored yard sale at the beginning of April. If you have old clothes or toys or furniture or ANYTHING you just want gone - let me know. You will get a receipt from Make-a-Wish for a tax write off and then we will sell the stuff at the yard sale. The little girl we are sponsoring is named Ashley. She’s 6 and has kidney tumors that keep her isolated in the house and on chemotherapy. Her wish is to go to Disneyland with her family in May.

Ok folks - that’s it for me. I gotta get back to work. Have a good one!

Energized

Ok, not really. But I truly think I must be emitting some sort of energy field that keeps shutting down power to places. Not only did it go out at work last week, but it went out while I was trying to cook dinner at home at the end of last week, and now again this morning!

And today I was supposed to be at work at 7:30. Lucky for me my cell phone alarm was set and I woke up. Plus the alarm system didn’t like being on backup battery and set off a shrill continual beep until I ripped out of out the wall! However, I must be really really vain because I can’t just get up and go to work. I need to shower, brush my teeth, blow dry my hair, etc. So I raced around packing and drove 10 minutes in the opposite direction to Johns house to get ready.

However, things just aren’t “right”. I forgot my makeup for 1. And it’s hard to shake the feeling that I look terrible even though I don’t wear that much makeup and it probably wears off by noon anyways. However, I feel amiss. And I can’t pin it down but I’m not completely happy with the way my hair turned out today either. Either that or it’s the make up thing I notice when I’m looking at my hair. How do all these fresh faced models just roll out of bed and put their hair in a pony tail and head out for the day? This is upsetting me.

Anyways, I should go eat something I suppose. I’m trying to tweak my diet a bit since I think I was getting a bit calorie heavy in the little things. Like I was eating toast and soy milk and orange juice and yogurt and a salad and snacks and nuts and an apple and I was already over 1,000 calories before I even made it home to forage for dinner. My mind says to me that all those things are healthy so i should be able to eat an unlimited supply of them- RIGHT?!?!?!? but sadly, no :( So I have some sort of “light” greek salad today for lunch. I hope its yummy.

Oh, and last night I went to my first ballet class. That was cool. I’ll definitely do it again, but I’m sure not good at it. Although, I was just thinking how MANY different types of classes I’m taking. African dance, belly dancing, yoga, pole dancing, and now ballet. I SUPPOSE I can’t expect myself to be good at ALL of those.

Well, I’m off to get my salad. Have a good one!

The day the lights went out...

So, for those of you that don’t know, I work at a pretty large RV dealership. Having worked at home for 2 years, coming back into civilization was quite the shock. Therefore I naturally picked the office that is farthest away from everyone! It’s all the way to the back of the building, up the stairs, down a LONG hallway, just before the storage closets. I ever so affectionately call it “The Cave”...

Well, today we have a power situation. As in - there is none! Well, 1/2 way. One of our two power boxes just blew up. So my heater is on and my computer works, but the internet is down and the lights in my office won’t come on - therefore making it a TRUE CAVE! Come 5pm, it’s gonna be PITCH BLACK in here! (See, you thought you read that whole first paragraph for nothing, but now I’ve brought it full circle... cool huh?!)

Anyways, other than that (which seems to be run of the mill out in these parts) today is a pretty good Monday. I got up extra early and took my car to the shop today for some warranty work. As usual they upsold me to an oil change and a transmission flush. I love my car, but it’s so “particular” with it’s rotary engine, i’m scared it will blow up if I don’t follow the recommended maintenance schedule to a tee! I’m slowly coming to realize that there is a large price to pay for vanity! Coming out of my divorce I made MANY decisions based on that. But my feet hurt from wearing high heels all day, I’m broke from all the “personal maintenance” (ie: nails, hair, waxing, etc), and I’ve got this sports car that can’t even fit a case of water from costco in the trunk and needs CONSTANT filter replacements, oil changes, and warranty repairs done. I was just quoted almost $1,000 just to put tires on it!!! Of course, that was from the dealer and I’m hoping I can cut that number in half. But still!!!

Otherwise, not much is going on. My honey bun made dinner last night - this yummy chicken (fake chicken) dish which basically consists of onions, peppers, ketchup, and a can of coke. Sound horrible right? WRONG! It’s totally kick ass and I crave it weekly. Also, it was on a bed of probably the most deliciously unhealthy mashed potatoes I’ve ever had. I speak of this because I just had the leftovers for lunch. To quote Rachel Ray - YUM-O!

Alright, I’m going to go now and attempt to find some work to do that doesn’t require the internet. That’s MUCH harder to do than you would think. EVERYTHING I do consists of getting on the internet first. Even if I’m not working on my website, I need to send and email, or research something online, or order something online. Is there anyone else out there as crippled as me without the good ole world wide web? It’s like I’m stuck in a loop. Well, I guess I could look up.... NO no... ummm, well, let me check my e-ma.... no no... maybe I’ll downlo.... uhhhhhhh.... I suppose I’l log into the system.... no no, can’t do that... well.... Ok, I think I’ll just write in my journal (I use MacJournal which is offline and just publishes later) LOL

This was my only option!!!

It's official!

I’m now a certified stripper... Ok, not really, but I took a “Pole Aerobics” class last night and it was awesome! Talk about a workout! I’m SORE! And we listened to cool music, we danced, I think for a minute we even attempted to “drop it like it’s hot” if you know what i’m saying LOL

Anyone want to take this class with me? Let me know!!!! It’s only $15 for an hour of sweaty fun (no lesbian action, sorry guys) and all you need is a yoga mat and a feather boa. A combo you normally wouldn’t think of, I’m sure.

Normally I’m SO embarrassed to do stuff like this too! But it was actually pretty cool and I will definitely be going every Thursday night. The girls are awesome, the lights are dim, and it’s a work out - SERIOUSLY!!

There’s belly dancing classes, african dance, pole dancing, ballet, yoga... everything and I’m SOOO into all of it. Someone come take the belly dancing class with me. I haven’t tried that one yet!

PS - can someone tell me how to track if people are even reading these blogs?

10 things about me...

The rules are: Once you have been tagged you can't be re tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird random things, facts, or habits about yourself.

1. I am completely food motivated. I love food. I’m hungry ALL the time. I’m sure Oprah has a thing or two to say about that, but regardless. It’s true.

2. I love my job to the point where its annoying to others. It’s all I talk about, but there’s lots of drama here.

3. I could eat bags and bags of conversation hearts until my veins feel chalky - however, being a vegetarian, I discovered they have gelatin in them and I can’t eat them anymore. It’s devastating.

4. I’m a very strict vegetarian. And, No I don’t eat fish. Not even broth or gravy or sushi or anything. And, it’s for all the reasons - it’s gross, unhealthy for you body, unnatural, cruel, and bad for the economy.

5. I’m a biggest meat LOVING vegetarian you’ll ever know. My fridge is full of “fake” chicken, bacon, sausage, hamburger, pepperoni, etc.

6. I’m half hippie, half yuppie. I have the “Coach” obsession, drive a sports car, get brazillian waxes, and have a yorkie. However, I was born and raised in Santa Cruz, use only canvas bags, eat vegetarian, practice yoga, and get WAAY into natural/alternative medicine.

7. I fractured my L1 & L2 vertebrae in a car accident in 1994. I’ve also broken, both wrists, my leg, and my elbow - all while attempting some sort of sport like snowboarding, high jumping, bike riding, or roller blading. I now have a desk job. :|

8. I am one of the few women who doesn’t need to have a child to feel complete. I just really don’t want to “Experience” child birth. I know, I know... once you do it, you wouldn’t take it back. Yeah, whatever. It’s not for me, let it go.

9. I am obsessed with Apple Macintosh computers. I WILL own the iPhone as soon as it’s available because it is AWESOME! I have the “apple” sticker on the back of my car and I think that makes me cooler.

10. Tivo saved my life. I couldn’t live without it. I LOVE LOVE LOVE television. I could watch it all day for the rest of my life and never get bored. It’s a bad habit i’m trying to break, but sadly it’s true. I love Judge shows too. And i’m not ashamed of it!

I'm not going to tag anyone else - if you want to do it, do it! Share those weird, random facts about yourselves. Please!

The laws of attraction...

I just watched Oprah last week... I know, I know, all the men have already stopped reading. I’m fascinated by this principle “The law of Attraction”. I do strongly believe that we are all one with nature and the universe. That the atoms that passed thru our ancestors and the rocky mountains and the dinosaurs and the walls of our homes are what now pass thru us. That we ARE energy.

This law of attraction claims that energy attracts similar energy. Your thoughts and your purpose ARE energy. Therefore what you think attracts back to you what your future will most likely be. Hence, negative thoughts and negative energy bring forth a slightly disappointing and/or negative future.

I don’t want that to happen to me. I want to be thankful for every second that I am awake and alive. I want to LEARN from what bad experiences I am in so they can cease and I can move on. I fear that if we don’t look back on our past and truly thank it for the lessons it has taught us, then we are doomed to receive similar setbacks in the future.

These are things my mother has been saying to me for years and things I’ve always felt and believed. Even WAAY back when, I remember reading her Depak Chopra books and grasping to understand my own inner strength and power.

Staying positive is hard though. It takes great effort to truly center yourself, step back from the situation, and look for the good in things. I wouldn’t say I’m very good at it, and I’m trying to make little mental notes of my hypocritical moments. There are many :( But, I AM GONNA GET THERE! I’m gonna be so damn happy NO ONE will want to even be around me!

I’m hoping to stop by the book store soon and buy some books on this subject. I don’t really want to do it so that I will be a millionaire or be famous or simply get whatever I want without having to work at anything - just so you know! But I do want to use whatever power I have to make sure that I live the most successful and fulfilled life I can.

I sound crazy, don’t I? You can say it if you think so... I’ll only cry a little. LOL

Funny how the mind works...

Don’t you find it fascinating how the mind works? How it’s trained to think certain ways and to react to things a certain way? I shouldn’t say “it’s trained”... I should say how “WE” train it or our experiences train it. And then they say your brain forms an actual pathway to those thoughts/emotions/reactions sort of like a river. This makes it even harder to CHANGE yourself, your thoughts, your reactions because you start to fight against deeply ingrained grooves in your brain - literally!

Well, let me tell you - that sucks! Sorry, it just does. That’s a lot of work. Of course, I never have conversations like this unless I have a story/reason behind it. As you know, I have some “issues” with religion and anything related to it (ie: the bible, jesus, prayer, etc) In sticking with my usual counterphobic ways, last night I attended a “holy yoga” class (one based on biblical poses instead of the regular) I mostly went because my early morning ones were cancelled and I’m trying to get at least 4 days of classes in per week. I also partly went because the girl who teaches the class is cool and I didn’t think it would be that threatening. (It probably wasn’t the best idea as I had a quite traumatic doctors appt that morning and wasn’t really fit to do exercise OR participate in some sort of group activity.)

So anyways, as I’m sitting there - my brain just TAKES OFF. Like literally a MILLION miles a minute. Everything I’ve ever “learned” is flashing before my eyes. And then the mental battle begins because what I’m thinking is 1) not what i believe and 2) doesn’t really matter because my participation in this can simply be for exercise and doesn’t have to have ANYTHING to do with religion. That does make my Knee Jerk reaction any easier though :( Here’s what it’s like to be in my brain:

-----------
OMG, is a woman leading a group in prayer? That’s not good... What does it matter though? I don’t care if women pray... I don’t even pray. Why am I bothered by that? UGH, i don’t want to hear these bible scriptures. I don’t even know if I believe in the bible. Are all these people here really into this just because it’s scriptural? Why does religion have such a hold on people? Why does this bring people peace but not me? Why did I come here? Why shouldn’t I? No one is doing anything to me, I’m in fucking cow pose, like that has anything to do w/ Jesus. Did she just say child of god pose? Do i want to be a child of god? Does my participation in this mean I’m somehow making a statement as to my acceptance of this? Why did I come here again? I don’t agree with any of this. Am I ok to just sit here in MOCK prayer pose while someone else is praying as long as I don’t say “Amen” that doesn’t mean I agree, right? aaaahhhhhhhhhh
-------------

As you can see, if you read that really really fast over and over again, it’s hard to be me :( How would I ever fix that sort of reaction? Or do I need to? Or should I just keep separate from those types of situations because they are full of futility for me? I think it’s just because my “situation” with religion isn’t resolved yet.

So anyways, I’ve walked away and come back and re-read that and it seems like a WHOLE lotta drama. I think I’ve said too much as it is and I’ll just leave it alone now. Whatcha think?

Awesome! Have a good day!

ARG!

So does the incompetence of the general working public infuriate the rest of you, or is it just me? I suppose it’s not healthy, but I wouldn’t consider myself a person who really trust the aide of others, but I can’t be an expert in everything. There are many times where I am forced to lean upon the knowledge of others to get by.

For instance.... health insurance. What a beast that is! I’m fortunate to have full coverage, but beyond having a once a year routine check up, I don’t really know what my insurance covers. It’s no secret that I go to counseling. Well, counseling is an extra expense, especially if you go at any sort of regular interval. I spent MANY an hour on the phone getting approval and authorization and having my benefits explained to me. My co-pay was to be $10. This was back in October. NOW - FOUR MONTHS LATER I get a statement (not a bill) stating that my Co-pay should have been $25. Is there ever a break? EVER? Another 20 minutes on the phone lets me know that I was “MIS”informed when I called previously. And let me tell you, she didn’t explain that to me in a NICE way.

And you wonder why I don’t trust other people. And if you’ve read this and somehow failed to notice how THOROUGH I am in asking questions and going thru all the proper procedures, you’re crazy. I don’t like surprises and thought there was NO WAY I’d get another bill. If I knew my expenditures were going to go from $20 a month to $50! maybe I wouldn’t have been so relaxed about going every other week. Now look who needs more counseling for her anxiety! :| Major lame!

Did I mention my employer just switched health insurance. So while I continue to pay into my last one, now I get to go thru this whole process again with a new carrier. Oh the JOY!

I'm famous!

Yeah, not really... But i was in the paper today. For the lamest quote ever. I wanted them to say things about how cool the yoga studio I go to is, and all they quoted me on was my disappointment in Terrell Owens. OH WELL! I just find it funny that in like 2 months I’ve been on the news twice and in the paper once. All because I do yoga. Who knew!?!??!

So today is a busy day. ACK! Lots and lots to do! I’m just desperately trying to cross things off of my list. I really just need to sit here and do ONE THING, but that’s not working so well for me. NOW I have run across town buying computer parts. And this weekend I have to get together the books and things i’m going to need for my new “Reading Library”. I’m excited about it and all, but it’s a lot of work!

I am, however, really excited because I bought some new CDs. I got the latest one from Esthero which is immediately my new favorite CD. I also got the Damien Rice “9” one. It’s a bit slower, but really good. And JUST NOW I downloaded the latest Chris Randall CD. In case you don’t know, I have developed a mild obsession with the front man of Sister Machine Gun. He has such a mesmerizing voice. I even love reading his blogs. He’s an educated, yet angry, guy - and generally cracks me up! Well, since SMG disbanded, he’s put out his first solo album. I listened to it online the other day and LOVED it, and today it was available to purchase. Can’t wait to listen to it in the car! That’s the true test of music. Instead of smoking weed and talking bout how cool something sounds... I prefer to listen to it in the car. That’s where it sounds its best to me :D

Okie dokie... I got a bunch to do. Talk to ya later!!!!

Soooo....

Guess who is TERRIBLE at African dancing. Um, yeah - that would be me! I think that was the most embarrassing thing i’ve done all year. Okay, ok, it’s only February, but it’s gonna be hard to beat - let me just tell you. Talk about my inner white girl staging the ULTIMATE rebellion. Move both my arms and legs? I DON’T THINK SO! Now, here’s my dilemma... Do I accept defeat and learn my lesson and NEVER do that again? Or do I stubbornly continue to subject myself to guaranteed humiliation until I get it right? Well???....

Otherwise, things just keep getting busier and busier at work. However, when that happens my brain says to me - “Well, yeah, that’s a lot of work. You don’t even know where to start. Therefore, you should do nothing.” I’m trying to reason myself out of that conversation right now.

Last night I sat down in front of a MOUNTAIN of receipts and vowed to start organizing for my taxes. I got thru the sorting part, that’s easy. But then came the time to get the calculator and there went my brain again... “Well, yeah, that’s a lot of work.... You should just go to bed...” And that’s exactly what I did. Thank goodness my tax appt isn’t for another few weeks.

Day 1

So today is February 1st. Seems like a good day to start a new habit. One of the things I’ve been learning with my Paul Cummings training is that “If your life’s worth living, then it’s worth recording.” I’ve always found writing to be therapeutic. Some of my most upset moments have been soothed by writing in a journal. Not that you could read the writing because I was upset, and I always have loved typing, so this seems perfect!

I am a little upset at the traffic this morning. Since my morning yoga classes have been canceled (I was the only one showing up) I thought i would get up at thttp://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=1282768360622084167&postID=463198166969444966#he same time and head to work instead. For some reason though, I got up in the shower an HOUR earlier than normal, got on the road FORTY FIVE minutes earlier than normal, yet only arrived at work about 30 minutes early. How does that happen? I really hate traffic. Want to hear my broken record? Here it is: “I wish i still worked from home!”

Tonight I’m leaving work early. (You know, 5pm is early for me) so that I can go to an African dance class. My yoga studio is pretty cool, they have everything from belly dancing, to ballet... african dance to pole dancing... I’ve pretty much only tried the YOGA classes. For those of you who don’t know me so well - tonight will be a big night for me. My inner anxiety level is THRU THE ROOF in fear of attempting something I’ve never done before. I practice what i like to call “Counterphobia” where things that absolutely terrify me are the things I wind up forcing myself to do.

Anyways, i’ll let you know how it goes. My day is almost over and I should just publish this and get on with the monumental amount of work i have to do.

Something New

My mind is always working. I’d say I have some sort of thought I’d like to share with world every couple of hours. SO, I’ve decided I can blog away some of this restless mental energy.

It’s time for bed right now, but tomorrow - WATCH OUT!