Friday, January 2, 2009

So when did this happen?

Ha Ha Ha... You know CNN is pretty good about this. They let me know when we were in a “Slow Down”... They told me their predictions for the presidency... Hell, they even let me know Charles Barkley got a DUI this week... But they failed to mention that the earth fell off its axis and sent us hurtling through space all upside down and shit! Way to miss your big break - Not cool!

So when did this happen? I think it’s the new year. I don’t put a lot of importance in the holidays and that stuff, but that last week after Christmas I start spinning. I get all reflective about the past year and start thinking about the future. I don’t do good without a goal or something to focus on. Oddly enough, it’s usually not a very tangible goal like losing weight or buying a new car - It’s mostly some sort of private personal betterment, which I won’t share although I seem to share everything anyways.

I really surprised myself with my last post. All that end of year reflection sent me down a path I wasn’t ready for. I never wanted to be a victim of my childhood and I think a lot of people are. I want to grow and learn and understand why I am who I am - and if I don’t like some of it, then change it and get better, but those memories I never seemed to dwell on. Oh sure, over the years I’ve thrown out a few “Oh yeah, well my dad used to lock me in the car and go bar hopping” conversation stoppers, quickly followed by an awkward laugh and a “But I don’t talk to him anymore, so whatever” finale... But to read it... All pretty and paragraphed and punctuated... all in a neat little time line of disfunction - I thought, what does a person learn from THAT? It was heavy for me - I mean, I’ve always known those experiences were “uncool” but whoa...

So, I found myself at the bitter end of 2008... New Years Eve... crying uncontrollably in the arms of a VERY startled friend who had NO IDEA where all of that emotion came from... and I just kept saying “Where is the ground? I’m spinning and I don’t know which way is up!” And while having drank my fair share, this wasn’t THE world spinning, this was MY world spinning. And as we talked and he talked, he shared with me his own spin, which surprised me. I honestly thought I was the only one - how conceited of me I guess... (PS - thank you my dear friend for not leaving me as I expect most people will and hopefully you will make a full recovery from the onslaught of all my deepest fears and emotions)

Then yesterday I had the most amazing conversation with one of my most beloved friends and I’m now sure we are the same person. And after hearing her own “Out of Nowhere” New Years Eve sobfest, she says to me Marisa, I’m upside down, I’m spinning - and that’s when I knew it was time to write CNN a letter and ask them how they failed to mention that our earths 23 1/2 degree tilt was SOO 2008 and that gravity was a thing of the past and we were all destined to float around flailing and trying to right ourselves. Ha Ha Ha. Actually, I’m an awkward joke maker, sorry.

SO, here’s what’s good. People are good. My friends are good. And everyone has a story, but what matters is finding those few you can share those stories with. I’m ending 2008 with a new understanding of myself and certainly a DEEP appreciation for the people I have in my life. And then, BAM, I got it - instead of bemoaning my past and all of us separate and floating around aimlessly - THIS was the moment... All of my “Why is life like this? How do we change this? How do I stop the spinning?” questions and statements were missing the point.

I have this little corner in my room I sit at:

and in the center is a book of quotes. And I suppose I should change it up, but actually I just re-read the same one every day. That quote is:

You cannot, and will not,
encounter a circumstance,
or a single moment, that
does not serve directly and
immediately the need of your
soul to come to wholeness,
to heal. (Gary Zukav)

And at that moment I knew everything had to be just as it was. That what mattered was not all this THINKING and reflecting, but there, in “that moment” was what I needed. My friends. We were there for each other when it mattered most and I think my troubled little soul did take a step closer to wholeness.


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