On a scale of 1 to 10...

How gross would you say crotch sweat is?

I'm gonna say it's about an 8 - UGH!

Can you tell me why it is that I have a trainer who works my calves and my quads and my arms and my abs, but the only thing that sweats is my crotch?

Nothing more awesome than a cute 21 year old musclebound trainer seeing that. Yeah, wow, sorry Erik, how come I have to show you my absolute worst in order to eventually look my best?

Here I am, twice a week, letting you see me at my worst - complaining, in pain, sweaty, and smelly.

Yeah, WAAAAAY T. M. I.   I know, I know.

Sorry.

What's up with that ankle breaker?

Seriously... have you guys seen these new yellow bumpy traction pads?

Can anyone tell me what these are for??? Don't tell me traction! Don't tell me safety!

Have you ever tried to walk over these wearing high heels? Yeah, that sucker will throw you to the ground quicker than you can imagine.  Pretty retarded if you ask me!

I'm a clumsy person. I need all the help I can get. THESE DO NOT HELP!

Is NOTHING sacred?

This post requires back story - SORRY - put your reading glasses on, it's about to get intense. I have issues. You knew that already didn't you? :( Well, fooey on you!

Anyways, I may **MAY** have a slight problem with toilet paper advertising campaigns.
Commence reading HERE and HERE.

I like getting mail. Even if it's bills, I get really excited to seem my name on something. I'm weird I know, HOWEVER, this... This is HIGHLY inappropriate. This is OFFENSIVE.



I've never been more horrified in all my life! SERIOUSLY! Soften your "bottom" line...?  NO FUCKING WAY I just read that. NO WAY.

We will not even DISCUSS the need for "UltraStrong" toilet paper.

In fact, dear friends, I don't even think I can have this discussion anymore. It just makes me ill! Assaulting me in my home with this dirty pervert bear waggling his feces covered rear at me - I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Make it stop, will you? PLEASE!!

The strangest thing just happened...

Well, actually it wasn't even close to THE strangest - I seem to attract STRANGE things... However, here's a little story for you.

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As a side note, you should know, I'm a pretty chatty person. I smile and talk and make eye contact and say my please and thank you's and the whole bit. The store is kinda a big deal for me. I like the cashiers to know me and me to know them. It may be a chain store, but it's LOCAL - it's MINE and that's what I do...
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A couple weeks ago I had to stop at the store and pick up a few ingredients and a couple bottles of wine from the grocery store for a potluck dinner I was going to later that evening.

As my stuff was being scanned, something happened with the cashier (NOT ON PURPOSE) and my bottle of La Crema fell over and the bottom of the bottle broke off! OMG WINE EVERYWHERE!

How do you think this situation worked out? What would be your reaction? There would be "A REACTION" right?

Ummmm, NO!

It was SOOO weird! She just picked up a rag, a small rag, and sort of blotted up a little bit. All the while my cheese and ranch seasoning and bread are being demolished. So I'm picking stuff up and it's dripping wine and the guy behind me in line and I are talking, I'm talking to the cashier, the bag boy... EVERYONE.

The entire... ENTIRE... E N T I R E  cleaning process, replacement of my tarnished products process, checkout process, and albeit "one sided" conversation clear through me signing the receipt she did not make eye contact, answer my questions, respond to my banter, or even acknowledge my existence. IT WAS FUCKING BIZARRE... !!!!!

I know it wasn't her fault - it's not like I expected her to say "I'm sorry" or anything, but possibly an "Oooops" or "Oh my gosh" or "Wow, I'm tired will this day ever end" or SOMETHING... RIGHT?  Wouldn't you say SOMETHING?!

Okay, upon review this was a lame story... but I found it to be so crazy!  I think I need to get out more.

Why my version of Christmas spirit involves killing mother earth...

OMG - this holiday crap is just that... CRAP!  Mostly because it doesn't matter how old I am, I'm always caught off guard by the insanity.  I'm only like one and a half sentences in and I already feel like this could wind up being a really long post. UH OH - I'll try to keep it quick.

My family has never and still doesn't celebrate holidays so I don't have many expectations for this time of year. I covered my Thanksgiving woe HERE... I still feel that way, but Christmas is a little different. I'm sorry, but if anyone was more meant for shopping, baking, decorating, wrapping, party planning, and gift baskets - it was ME ME ME!!! That's okay, there's really no law that says you can't do that year round right?

Actually, it's probably better to do it year round! Towards the end of the year, things get CUH RAY ZEE! Holy shit people, settle down. The obligation and intensity put into this business is mind boggling.

All I want to do is go to Costco and buy 10 tri-tips and some party plates. FUCK!! It was like roller derby or bumper cars but with shopping carts... the streets were packed... the stores were crowded... and LISTEN, I like this stuff. I love the excitement and the people watching, and evesdropping on the next isles convo, but WOW... Not this week! It's like zombies took over!!

Where's all the holiday spirit and smiles and people wearing aprons bringing over trays of fudge or the "merry christmas" smiles and greetings???

You poor retail cashier drones... When I have a project I can easily go to 10+ different stores in a day searching for just the right items. That's a lot of shopping, a lot of observations, a lot of everything - this makes me an expert. (I was just proving my credentials...)

However, I'm sort of a canvas bag nazi - I have this goal to never take a plastic or paper bag from anyone. I've written many angry posts about how poorly people pack a canvas bag or how wasteful people are packaging EACH ITEM in a different bag. The combination of all this craziness and stress and tension and deadlines and all the things I need being wiped clean from the shelves in some sort of frenzy leaves me a bit on edge myself. After the 4th store, I thought, you know what FUCK IT, could you put my plastic bags in a plastic bag please? I cannot fight you anymore. You broke me! I couldn't hand the bag and explain the purpose of the bag and request you fit all my items into one bag ANYMORE. YOU WIN! You cashiers are tired. You don't want to have chatty interaction with me. You don't want to talk or look or think or even be there for that matter, so OKAY. I GET IT. I will express my kindness and gratitude this Christmas season by allowing our mother earth to be a giant plastic landfill. Just whatever.

It's like Oprah. And YOU get a plastic bag! and YOU get a plastic bag! and YOU get to cut down a tree! and YOU get to help cause global warming... I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, I just know I hated it, but it was a kindness to let them go through their routine and get the hell outta there.

So there - Happy Holidays from me to you!

I've got you seeing red!

I may have mentioned I got my hair done last post... but I totally bailed on posting the pictures! SORRY about that!

Anyways, I'm not quite ready to cut my hair as I don't feel I've attained true "stripper hair" status just yet... but I do enjoy dabbling in color. I think anyone can be blonde! That's not a slam people!! I've been blonde before too, I just like to try it all!

Whatcha think?

I should have taken the pictures outside - it's A LOT more red than these pics show.

I should give a shout out to my hair stylist. His name is Troy Newland and he is currently located at Elan Salon on Bullard / West in Fresno, Ca. We've been together since 1999 and I think that's pretty impressive. He totally got my "Stripper Hair" interpretation too - that makes him SUPER cool!

QUICK Update

Well, not much has been going on. I think I've taken on too many different things as I may have eluded to previously. I'm going to the gym 4-5 days a week, I'm working full time, I'm furiously recording videos of me cooking, I have family obligations, and I'm trying to be an overall good person while struggling with my annual end of year woe.

I just got my hair done today, but my camera ran out of batteries. I'll try to post the pictures as soon as it recharges.

MEH...

Here's a cute picture of HarMar to tide you over until 2009 is over and I can regain some semblance and order to my life... and clean my room - I desperately need to do laundry and clean my room.

This is my little fatty. He's always standing by his bowl whining for more food. I'm pretty sure my roommates are feeding him in between when I am and he is definitely gaining weight! LOL

OMG WOW! I'm like Wonder Woman...

Truth is, I'm not that special. About 10 years ago I had pneumonia and due to complications from me having a desk job, my lungs took a hit.

Every time I go to the doctor he gives me a breathing test which I fail miserably. Now, when I get sick it goes straight to my lungs! My last doctors appointment was in June and I had 53% lung capacity. The doctor basically informed me that that's like asthma except instead of needing an inhaler, I just need to...

OMG - GASP - I feel short of breath right now...

EXERCISE!!

So anyways, I finally have decided I'm ready to not be this way anymore and I got a trainer at the gym. He' a cute sweet muscle bound 21 year old named Erik that pushes me, hurts me, takes my money, and still leaves me coming back for more. HA HA We've been carrying on this abusive relationship for about a month now.

I'm seeing him 2 times per week with the agreement I do at least 30 minutes of cardio in between our visits. Instead of taking it easy, today I decided to try and push myself to see if I'm making progress.

Instead of a brisk walk, I took a stab at jogging. I was able to run at a steady pace for 30 minutes straight and actually made it 3 miles!!

You have no idea how huge this is for me and I'm just so beside myself with excitement and pride! I have to relish in this moment because tomorrow I will officially be a paraplegic. I'll never walk or run again, but right now, I am a marathoner! I am a medalist in the Olympics. I am Wonder Woman!

OUCH!!!!

Oh wow, were you nervous that I was changing and growing and just over here being awesome?

REST ASSURED, I'm still the clumsiest person you know!

After driving all around town on a wild goose chase for things I'm still going to wind up ordering online, go to my parents house and rush my mom to go get dinner. In my hurry to get out of the car and get into Qdoba, I shut the car door on my right hand middle finger.

YYYOOOOWWWWZZZZAAAA!!!!! 

Oh Yeah, and not just shut the door on and it bounces off sort of thing... this was a door shuts completely and clicks and pull your hand and it doesn't budge type thing.

O. M. G.

My mom screams and runs at me and I sort of had to yell at her to get away from me and not touch me so that I could have some space to compose myself. I'll be ok. I may never feel my middle finger again, but I'll be okay.

SIGH.

What else can I say?

Here's a picture of me about to eat a chocodile to distract you from my lifetime of klutzy suffering...

Hey Hey! Look at me, I want in!

The word passion is a funny word. For all intents and purposes, I'd like to classify myself as a passionate person. There is an intensity deep inside me. How I talk and how I eat and how I work ebbs energy and desire. (NO, not in a sexual way!) I guess I shouldn't be talking about myself like that - makes me seem special which I wasn't trying to do.

Mostly, I'm writing because this passion, this intensity, this energy is like a drug. I can't get enough of it. I love being around people who are equally as passionate about what they do.  No one has an endless supply of energy - you have to do things and surround yourself with people that refuel you.

Here's my problem: I WANT IN. You like what you do? I want to do that too!

When I watched people running by my house in the Two-Cities Marathon, there was cheering and camaraderie and a goal and a reward and god-dammit I want to run a marathon!! I saw them in the throws of near death. I have 53% lung capacity. I haven't run since 4th grade. BUT WHEN I SAW the commitment, the excitement, the PASSION all I could think was "I should start training!" I went and bought running shoes. I hired a trainer at the gym. Isn't this ridiculous?

There's so much good in this world and sometimes we don't know it until a friend shows us the way. I just can't shake the thought that if someone else loves something, maybe I'll love it too! Am I missing out on something?

I know someone online who likes to knit. Most of what she talks about involves yarn and dyeing yarn and meeting with groups to knit together. If you see her at a dj event or a concert or even a grocery store checkout, she's knitting. There's no denying her passion for this venture. I WANT TO DO THAT TOO!! Maybe you don't know this, but my grandma taught me how to crochet. I have a blanket half done in my closet? Do you know I dug that sucker out and I have set myself a goal of finishing it by spring time???

Truthfully, sometimes I think I need an intervention. I just keep dividing myself and dividing myself until I'm doing 10 millions things. I'm chasing that high. I want to eat and talk and sleep and watch TV and cook and sit and blink and do EVERYTHING at level 10.

There is another woman I've met who is well spoken and funny and kind. Her passion? Rescue dogs. She fosters dogs, helps out at the shelters, and lives and breathes finding these pups good homes. I work 12 hours a day, I'm training to be a runner, and trying to crochet a blanket. Shouldn't I foster a dog too? I WANT IN! Who loves their dog more than me? Shouldn't I spend weekends doing that?

~HELP ME~

I already have 2 blogs, a cooking show, a full time job, and a family that gets about zero of my attentions... STOP ME! When you divide and take on more and more, you can do a lot of varied things, but you can't do them well. It saddens me to know that by trying all these new things, I'm essentially giving up the option of being the best at any one thing.

Does anyone else experience this? What's it like to find one thing that you love and perfecting what you do?

Unstable fixations - Part 2 - HARMAR!!

Have you ever watched that show, The Dog Whisperer?  He always talks about the dogs being "unstable" when they fixate on things like your vacuum cleaner.  Is it weird when you're the human, but you fixate on your dog? WHOA - I should do drugs and totally trip out on that one.

HA HA

Anyways, I could ramble on and on (That post is coming) but pictures are so much easier and as much as it hurts me that you don't hang on my every word, I need to remind myself that the world needs more pictures of the cutest dog on earth.

Therefore, it's like, pretty much, my fiduciary responsibility to oblige.

(MUSCLE MAN)

(HEAT JUNKIE)

(NEW BED!)

(Oh My God - THE SHAME)
I'm sorry, I don't even do the Christmas thing, but this is priceless!

Unstable fixations - Part 1 - COLOR!!

OMG - have you guys been outside? Fall is my favorite favorite favorite season! I actually think spring is pretty awesome too, but right now I am SO enamored with fall, it's not even funny. I keep taking pictures of trees and hoping that one of them will be able to express even an ounce of the vividness I see in my wonderful eyes!  How am I doing?

This tree is across the street from my kitchen window. It's like a rainbow!!

Speaking of rainbows... I saw a real rainbow last week. I got so excited. LOOK!

Oh My Gosh You Guys! I just want to walk around and stare at every tree and soak in the COLOR! What are you fixated on? Am I the only one walking around with my camera in hand and my head up in the trees?

Holiday Deconstruction

Before I say ANYTHING, let me show you the one thing that makes me smile EVERY TIME! This is HarMar snuggling in my warming blanket. AWWWWW

Okay, so I lied. This really doesn't have anything to do with the holidays. You can't miss something you've never done. I don't have all these mushy feelings about family and tradition. I'm a vegetarian so I don't even miss eating the food, but still I start to breakdown towards year end.

I see people planning parties, making effort to get together, dressing cute to attend gatherings, cooking, going out of their way to extend kindness, and that's when it starts to eat at me.

I'm lonely.

I feel empty.

I have no place to go. Nothing to do. I just sit here by myself and imagine this is what it's like to be the last person on earth. The stores are closed. There's no one outside. I can't call anyone to do anything, aaaaannnnddddd, that's when I cry and feel bad for myself.  Sure I could go to my parents, but it's not the same. We'd just sit there and watch TV and I'd rather lay on MY couch and nap than try to foce an interaction just to prove to myself I'm not the last person on earth.

I shouldn't even be writing this. Now you guys will call and give me the pity invite to your house. That's not the point either and I won't be attending, so save your breath. Sigh.

It's hard too because I can't shut my brain off. I start reflecting on the past year and pondering what the next year will bring me and it tailspins. Did I accomplish everything I wanted to this year? Where will I be next year? Are my expectations realistic? Have I made big enough personal growth? How can I lose these last pesky 15 pounds? Why are things so hard sometimes? UGH!

On second thought, don't read this, it's just depressing. BUT, if you thought you noticed I was in a funk, yeah I am. Just go on about your business. I'll snap out of it, I promise.

You know what else helps? Nature! Driving around Woodward Lakes is like getting my 1st lesson in COLOR! Just LOOK! WOW - even this picture makes me feel better already!

Olive Oil Obsessions

I recently made a trip down to We Olive in Fig Garden Village. We Olive is great because they have most of their products out on display to try. For those of you who know me, I'm an antipasto plate LOVER and We Olive holds all the little delicacies I need to display quite a spread!

I'm all about bread and dipping oil and drizzling olive oil over my tomatoes and avocados, etc.

My favorite every day olive oil is a garlic infused olive oil from Consorzio. (You can get a giant bottle at Costco for under $10!!)

For dipping I just tried (and might I add, already finished!!) a bottle of Made In Napa Valley Parmesan and Garlic dipping oil. I actually only used it for dipping bread into it, but you could totally pour this on stuff to! ALL THUMBS UP!

The other olive oil I tried is a lime infused olive oil from Pasolivo. The possibilities are endless for this one! I drizzle it on avocado, add it to guacamole, and add a tad to my tortilla soup. It's just about the most heavenly thing ever. This one is a little pricey at $20 a bottle, but you don't need much and it will go far AND IT'S WORTH IT!

Me... the busy little bee! And also a picture of the most miserable bumble bee of all time!

Dude, I've been all over the place this last week!

First, before everything else, have you checked out my 2nd episode of One Heavenly Kitchen? You gotta watch this one because what I plan on doing with the leftovers of this recipe will blow your mind! Tune in and stay tuned please!

Last Thursday, I ventured out and saw a concert at a local venue, Audies Olympic. LITTLE DRAGON!  I was fortunate to see them a few months ago, so when I heard they were coming back to town I made an immediate exception to my, stay in the house til the end of the year rule. You can see some really good pics of the show on Nick Gennock's blog.

Saturday, after many mundane things, I popped over to the tower district for Swede Fest 4. This was my first time going to one of these, but I loved it! Let me tell you what I loved:
1) The Fresno Twitter community is strong! So strong that I actually felt comfortable braving this event alone. I knew quite a few people and that was great!
2) Even though I hadn't seen half the movies they were spoofing, they were hilarious!
3 It's awesome to support people who are doing something different. Something creative. Something extra just for the love of being passionate about something!
4) Even though some of the entries were from Madrid and in Spanish, language didn't mean anything when its the Fresh Prince of BelAir theme song or E.T.  !! SO COOL!

Sunday I could hear all sorts of cheers from my front yard! The 2 cities marathon was running by! Since it was pretty much impossible to drive out of North Fresno, HarMar and I decided to go for a walk and venture out to cheer on the runners. Funny thing - more of the runners cheered at us that we returned the favor. Apparently the cutest dog on earth, wearing an adorable blue bow will catch the attention of anyone - even someone in the throws of near death at the 24 mile marker of a marathon! Wouldn't you yell out too?

I'm sure that would have been enough for the average person, but I wasn't quite feeling enough excitement! What cheers me up? Dressing my dog up in costumes. Feast your eyes on the most MISERABLE bumble bee of all time:

So, what have you been up to? Have any plans for anything exciting?

One Heavenly Kitchen

Hey Hey Everyone, I have exciting news!

For those of you who've been coming around for a while, you may have noticed that nestled in between all the neurosis and sarcasm, there was a pretty strong food theme going.

Well, why not channel that into something more interactive? I've always loved to cook and I've always loved computers, so I decided to make a cooking show! My brother is the camera man and we're having way too much fun!

If you like to eat, please check out my new site One Heavenly Kitchen for weekly videos on what I'm eating and how to make it.

Because it's just a fun side project, it may not have the best designs and graphics, but I hope you enjoy it! Keep me posted on anything you'd like to see me make or what not.

Also, I've been featured on the brand new Taste Fresno site today as a local Fresno foodie/blogger/techie/cook/I don't know - so go check out their new vamped out site too! IT DELICIOUS!

Look, Listen, Learn...

I haven't done a product or place review in a while... So here it goes!

LOOK!

This weekend I took a trip to We Olive in the Fig Garden Village. I just love that place because it has every little thing that I want to taste and cook with and snack on! Besides a bevy of different olive oils, there are dipping oils, spreads, and home marinated olives. Go there, it's heaven.

LISTEN!
 

WHOA - sorry, that may be a bit of a shock from the We Olive thing, huh? Sorry. If you didn't know, I listen to a pretty wide variety of music. The above picture is of Har Mar Superstar doing his "thang" up on stage. I've seen him twice in concert and this shocking display definitely caught my attention. He's sort of a strange unattractive man that has such confidence, such swagger that all the ladies throw themselves at him. Yeah, even I have a bit of a crush on him. Enough that I named my puppy after him. Hey, who's more of a lady killer than him??

ANYWAYS - I just found out that HarMar Superstar just put out a new album - which I immediately bought on iTunes and it hasn't left my CD player YET! Watch the video if you dare:


LEARN:
Seems like everyone I know has been sick lately *knock on wood* and my plan for health involves MASS amounts of Vitamin C and a revolutionary cureall drink. Walk into the light with me and let's all start drinking KAMBUCHA!!!!!!

I think drinking this is a bit of a cult thing, but count me in as a BELIEVER. When I bought the first bottle, the cashier made a special call to someone who took me into a back room and explained to me all it's magical powers. I've heard everything from it can break a 104 fever to cure cancer. It's sort of fermented and kinda tastes like vinegar, but this isn't helping sell you on it, is it?! OMG! Just try the grape flavored one and let me know what you think! I have like 1/2 a cup a day and I get a burst of energy and feel great and I'm still healthy. RAWK!

OK FOLKS... I'm out. Catch ya later!

Welcome to Nevember!

Well, for someone who doesn't talk to her friends or leave the house anymore, I've bee REALLY busy!

I got my hair done yesterday. This is always exciting for me! I've been resisting cutting it and I think this is the longest it's been in 15 years. I keep teasing that I want stripper hair. Not that I'm really sure what stripper hair is, but I'd imagine it's quite long and luxurious and that I could swing my head and it would... okay, I don't know where I was going with that. Anyways, here's a picture.

Speaking of strippers, I darn near was one on Friday, but totally accidentally, I swear! I got a new outfit which I think is pretty cute. I'll grace you with a picture, but ONLY THIS ONCE!

Not too bad, right? I believe my thoughts were more along the lines of "The silhouette of my outfit is bangin' if I do say so myself, but the practical application of moving/wearing said outfit? NOT SO MUCH..."

Let me just tell you, wearing pointed toed 4" high heeled boots is DANGEROUS! We won't get into how expensive it is to find a decent fitting pair of jeans that are long enough to wear over high heels if you're taller than 5'... SO MOVING ON. But this shirt... such a cute shirt. That sucker busts wide open every time I move! I could barely make it through the work day. I had to safety pin it at every button or this stripper dream I have was gonna become a reality. Oh My God!

Anyways, I thought I had a lot of different things to ramble about, but I don't think they're of any consequence. Unless you decide you really want to know my thoughts on cobblers (shoe repair men) or how I can sleep for 12 hours and still be tired when I wake up, then let me know...

Have a good week :)

Hey Hey - I should be sleeping!

Yeah, I promised myself I'd start getting to bed sooner... So, I am, technically, IN BED, but I thought to myself, Marisa, your loyal readers cannot make it through this week without an update as to the many mundane things you did this weekend.

THEREFORE, MY FRIENDS, I WILL SACRIFICE SLEEP AND GIVE TO YOU A WEEKEND UPDATE!

Well, Friday I cleaned and didn't do much. Saturday I slept until noon which was DIVINE! I went to visit my grandma who has Parkinsons disease. That was hard on me to see and the medication actually makes her a little loopy sometimes which makes it even harder, but it was the right thing to do. I had a rather dramatic experience with my mom at Qdoba, but that's a 20 minute IN PERSON story if you know what I mean!

Don't forget how cute HarMar is when he has full access to the outside, but prefers to lounge in human comfort while LOOKING outside!

Mostly I cleaned and hung out with my parents and we watched that I Am Legend movie which i found to be rather disturbing. Hmpf!

I saw another gorgeous sunset this weekend too! I don't really have any idea how the earth works, but sitting here in my room long enough has allowed my mind to devise a theory that because we are in a valley, something with the air currents happens that makes us have prettier sunsets than any other place. Is that true?

Also, if you haven't heard me mention - I'm sorta kinda maybe quit reading this I don't know making a cooking show. Soooooo uummmmm, I'll be debuting it this next week most likely. Will you watch? OMG I'm so nervous!

Pretend you didn't read that and look at what I ate for dinner tonight instead. This is a panzanella salad topped portobella mushroom.  MMMM

Check back soon for more info. Luv's Ya's!

What I've been up to... And FREE PORN!

Hey everyone...

MISS ME? I've been busy supporting our economy! In the world of shopping, NO ONE can hang with me in a shopping marathon. Oh, you think you can? We'll talk when hour 6 rolls around... They ALL talk the talk, but no one has ever walked the walk.

Well, with the exception of MY MOTHER - that women will BREAK YOU! She's got a handicap placard and she knows how to use it! She also knows how to use her children as pack mules to haul the scrap metal or whatever she purchased that one time that weighed like 200 lbs back to the car. HA HA, just kidding mom, I LOVE YOU! Well, that was a true story, so not really kidding...

A N Y W A Y S... Move along, nothing to see here !!!

I don't have enough time to put on a fashion show for you, but I got a little be of everything. Jackets, closed toed shoes, a shrug, shirts, jewelry... Gotta prep for winter, ya know?! However, every shopping trip produces something SO EXCITING, I get worked up just THINKING about it. Feast your eyes on my new lady friend. Yeah, I pretty much went lesbian just for her and her hot sister.

Yes, I know this is disturbing. I'm sorry. I LOVE SHOES! and Guess shoes, particularly those by Marciano are starting to multiply in my closet. Sometimes I just sit on the floor in my closet and look at all my little pretties. Is that weird? WHAT? WHY?!?! It makes me so happy though!

Wanna see what totally turns me on? Here's some FREE PORN for you. Go ahead, it's work safe... What? Don't you trust me? Just click it! C'MON!!

Speaking of fashion - it's a lot of work to even look semi put together! I think that's about the time some people just wave the white flag. They surrender. They. dont. care. This concept is foreign to me from every vantage point. On that note, I give to you the worst dressed man of the week.

Alright, enough of that nonsense... Don't you want to hear about other thing's that I think are cool that actually make me uncool?  LOOK AT THE LITTLE BASIL BABIES in my Aerogarden! They're growing up so fast... Why just a couple weeks ago I remember...

Okay, well, shoes, porn, and basil is about as wide a range of topics as I'm willing to cover today. I'm gonna call it a night now! G'night everyone!

Hammertime!!

Well, as usual, I'm a terrible blogger and get so busy and into so many projects and work so much that I'm many days late in writing about cool stuff. Will you still pretend to read so I feel good about myself?

Last Monday I went to The Big Fresno Fair again.  I got to see Tone Loc and MC Hammer.

1st, let me say - sometimes it pays to party with your parents. They get the HOOK UP! Sometimes you're with your little brother and your mom wears a fanny pack, but for FREE FOOD, FREE DRINKS, and VIP SEATING (as in so close I was touching the stage!) those things don't matter nearly as much! 

What a great show! I think a lot of people have this 80's/90's joke in their head when they think of MC Hammer, but NO WAY! That dude is a performer!

I was also privileged to video tape Mike Oz from The Fresno Beehive as he introduced the performers in his custom made hammer pants and all their glory...

Actually, I'll recommend you just read his post and watch his videos. After all, my seats were so close I really only got videos of everyone's feet. HA HA OMG that was so snobby wasn't it?

Actually, I was busy getting roses from the back up dancers, getting pulled up on stage, and overall being a self made celebutant!

TLTQ!

Dilbert gets me every time...

If you've had the pleasure of asking me computer questions, I'm pretty sure I've said something along the lines of: "Quit being afraid of it..." "Just push some buttons" "You can't break it anymore than it already is so why not just try something" "Don't even read it, just say OK OK OK"

And then I read this:

A HA HA HA - So my mom thought this was hilarious! In my defense, there's some sort of abnormal force around her house causing her computers to do things that hardly EVER happen.

Thought you could use a laugh. Happy Monday.

Locked up abroad

Has anyone seen this show on National Geographic channel?

I just lost 3 hours watching reruns of it.

WOW EEE WOW

Someone kill the power to this house will you? It's the only way I'll be able to leave this couch!

HELP!

There are no words...

Only a huge sigh...

Really?!

You can click on the Label if you want to and read all about it.

I AM THE WORLDS BIGGEST KLUTZ!

It causes me extreme pain - and not in a physical way. I won't post pictures because it just hurts too bad. I know I use humor as a deflection and my blog as a way to release the things that bother me, but this is so painful, hurtful, embarrassing... I just don't even know what to do.  UGH UGH UGH

I was just walking in from our little cafe outside. It's still kind of muddy under the patio from Tuesdays downpour. FLOOP! Feet right out from underneath me!!! Took the polish right off my toenails, scuffed my pants, mud everywhere.

AND YOU KNOW this never happens when no one is looking. VP, GSM, and a new employee RIGHT THERE to see me suddenly decide to sit indian style in the mud. Of course, like a true professional klutz, I didn't spill my soda or my little snack pack of cheezits. That's something right?

SERIOUSLY? Who else does this happen to? I can't think of anyone. I never see people eat it, drop stuff, break things, or fall down. I'm on an island of shame over here.

I need every one of you to write a post detailing your most embarrassing moments and send me a link so I feel better. PLEASE!!

Weekend Recap - 3 days late... Or maybe I should just title it, "What I've been up to"

People like pictures right? I always try to snap a picture that sums stuff up so I don't have to talk AS much. I do like to talk though! Let's just see how this goes!

I made breakfast for dinner. Biscuits and Gravy might not seem like a big deal to you, but have a vegetarian "gravy" is like a delicacy to me! MMMMMM

I freaked out at someone leaving their nasty hair brush and Aquanet on the bathroom counter in our public and shared restroom. As in LEAVE... as in it's been there for weeks and it's strewn about (obviously used) daily! Keep it classy folks.

I shopped all weekend to decorate a huge display for a work project. A huge space and a "Harvest" theme leads to many interesting conversations when you purchase an entire truckload of hay...

or when you drive a baby car and try to convert it into some sort of Halloween clown car... BEHOLD MY PUMPKINS...

Then my dad and I went to The Big Fresno Fair to see a rap concert... Random... I KNOW RIGHT? We saw "The Game" and it was awesome! Front row tickets, free food, and a great show.  Check out the newest fair treat - The Zucchini Weenie! HA HA!

Check back soon and I'll tell you all about the AWESOME concert I saw last night.  Does HAMMERTIME mean anything to you?  Awwwww Yeeeeaaahhh!

"Sorry to Bother You" is the new "Hello"

I think the running theme for my blog the last few weeks has been THE EDGE. That and possibly some arsonist tendencies, but whatever, right?

Seriously though, if one more person calls me and greets me with “Sorry to bother you...” I... I... I don’t know what I’ll do!!!

Are you good at math? Can you calculate for me how much time in minutes this WASTES of my day versus just saying “Hello” and then telling me what you fucking want?

You’re NOT sorry...
You saying it in a baby voice changes nothing of the requests to come...
It’s really annoying...

And what happens when I say, “Actually, you are bothering me!” ??? Do you walk away in shame? No, you still need something. I’m still going to do it for you. Let’s not kid each other, alright? I love pleasantries and jovial conversation, but it’s hollow and meaningless if that’s just instinctual drivel that spews out your pie hole because you think it somehow softens the blow of needing me to do MORE stuff for you.

So, please people, PLEASE - save the bullshit and the breath and lets just get on with it. Does anyone have a lighter? A match? A flam... uhhhhh - wait, huh, I just was going to smoke a ciga.... uhhhh Nevermind!

Thank you.

Weekend Update - But not really cool - Or Funny - Or... I don't know just read it okay?

Over at The Beehive they do a "Weekend ReCap" blog. It's quick and I like reading what other people did. Some of it makes me jealous and some of it makes me feel better that they didn't do anything special.

Here's what I did this weekend:

(1) Friday I Cleaned... but more of a spring cleaning (or fall cleaning? that didn't sound right) I cleaned my cleaning caddy, the freezer, the silverware drawer, my closet, my bathroom drawers... I turned that place upside down, but AAAHHHHHH it feels SO GOOD!

(2) Then my roommate came home with some friends to watch a movie. They were FASCINATED with my dinner. I told you I like an antipasti plate. MMMM

(3) Saturday I worked from home for a few hours. I saw Har Mar lounging - he is so cute. He likes to stay inside, but lay in the sun. AWWWW.

(4) I planted a new AeroGarden. This time it's International Basil! OH BOY! I'll keep you posted!

(5) Saturday night I picked up my friend Rebecca and took her to Roe. Her birthday was a week ago, but she was in Disneyland then, so she wanted all her friends to get together here this weekend. As a vegetarian for 7 years now, I never developed a love for sushi, but they had a vegetable roll that I tried. PEW PEW PEW. Seaweed tastes just like rotten fish. UGH! Sorry guys. I don't like coffee either. WILDLY POPULAR, yes!! MY THING, no!! I'll gladly stick to the vegetable tempura and edamame! Glad we were in before 10 though. GEEZ that place charges a $10 cover and is wildly packed!

(6) I am still surprised at how short people are in this town. I'm 5'7", but with 4" heel I'm nearing 6' tall. HAHA. There were only 3 guys in the entire place that could look me in the eye. If I was looking for a man, this would be very depressing.

(7) Sunday I realized it's cold like Alaska here!! Time to break out the electric blanket. I went to my parent's house after running my errands. Had dinner with my mom at Qdoba. It was actually good. She gave me a spare "warming blanket" that she had. Everyone should thank her because there was a high chance I would have died sometime during the night while watching TV on the couch BUT NOW I WILL LIVE! I have the warmth of electricity! YES!

(8) My mom also gave me this mini cherry pie. 1- I love cherry pie (save the innuendo guys...) 2- She originally bought it for my spoiled rotten brothers lunch, so I figured it would be at least THREE TIMES as tasty because I got to take it from him! However, my mom wanted to open it to see what it looked like inside. OF COURSE, as soon as I try to unload my car, the pie FLIES OUT the opening and meets it's early demise. :( NOOOOOOOOO!

SO ANYWAYS, that was my weekend in a nutshell - and even with a few pictures.

Let me leave you with an adorable pic of my little man chillin' on the couch!
Say it with me.
Awwwwwwwwwwww!

Night Terrors

I cannot and do not watch scary movies. Never. EVER.

What's funny is that, for me, reality is FAR more terrifying than anything a movie could portray. Mostly, my horror flicks involve nature shows about snakes or spiders or anything that has hoarders or dirty people. It is SO EXTREME. I just CANNOT contain myself.

Isn't there a saying "These are the things dreams are made of" ??

Well, let me show you what my nightmares are made of.

AAAAAHHHHHHH!!! That is SOOO NASTY...

People are GROSS! I simply cannot understand how anyone - ANYONE - could look at this and not take immediate action. Do you all understand why I am so tired all the time?

Of course, I cleaned it. I want you to be able sleep tonight, so here is the finished product.

I just find laziness and filth to be the most disgusting combination of things. It also is so very very unnecessary. PLEASE, do not be that person.