Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Failed Apology or New Beginning?

So, I've been vague lately and truth be told I'm ALL OF THE ABOVE. I'm tired, sure, conflicted, energized, and confused all at once.

If you are new here, back story is this:
• In December I wrote THIS about my biological father.
• In May he reminded me that some things never change when I took THIS phone call.
• In July my story was told at ViolenceUnsilenced.com and I felt like I finally had my answer.

Then last week he called and wanted me to go to lunch with him. I avoided... He was sarcastic with me about avoiding him and I decided it was time to tell him what was really going on... I told him... told him how I felt... told him why I didn't want to see him... Told him in explicit painstaking detail the who what where when and why and it didn't even phase him... A normal person would have been brought to their knees and yet HE MADE EXCUSES.

You see, what I don't understand is what it's like to be a parent and be concerned for your child (I don't have to understand shit)
You see, he's a good person, a follower of christ (Don't play on my people pleasing fault and DO NOT MAKE THIS ABOUT THE BIBLE... PLEASE)
You see, the bible says no one is perfect (Last time I checked NO ONE was perfect but had never spoken to me, treated me, or hurt me like he has)
You see, he feels like I've always been embarrassed of him and thought he was stupid and that I WAS AN INTELLECTUAL and better than him (Do NOT capitalize on my guilt for finally deciding to fight for myself to protect myself)
You see, I've incorrectly built up a wall that he just doesn't know what to do about. (Ummm, fucking duh...)
You see, he's just gonna "put the ball in my court" if I want to see him again.
And I made my peace... Peace that I made the right decision because I finally spoke my truth and gave him the chance to hear and he chose not to.

AND THEN TODAY... These came:


What the hell am I supposed to do with THAT?

My mom says to revel in the moment, but that I'm under no obligation to do anything but smell the roses.
My friend says to appreciate the nice gesture.
My gut says that you can't have a new beginning without an apology for the past FIRST.
My heart says it hurts and I cried.
My mind wished he would've just stayed an asshole so the decision to keep him out of my life would be an easy one.

Now what do I do? Call? Be willing to pursue a relationship? UGH, I'm at my limit. MY LIMIT. THE EDGE...

So miss wonderful universe... my precious mother earth... what say you now? I am officially a lost soul desperately looking for an answer that no one can give.

2 comments:

Jay Schryer September 2, 2009 at 4:10 AM  

I wish I had an answer for you, something both wise and comforting to say, but I don't. I just wanted to let you know that I support you, no matter what decision you make.

Mintzworks September 2, 2009 at 4:31 AM  

I do have an answer for you:

Are you better off with him? Or without him?

Based on your blogs, you hate the things he did to you and therefore hate him. So will you be able to slough off the hate with him in your life, or without him?

At this point, it's all about you. He's seeking redemption and a second chance...which you are under NO obligation to provide. It won't get you into heaven any quicker...unless you believe it will.

But from my perspective, take care of yourself first. You have to save your own soul before you can go forgiving his.

This is tough, tho, incredibly painful, pain I can't imagine. I do hope you do whatever you need to in order to recover from this. You're already to be praised for surviving, and for being SO BRAVE to tell him maturely how you really feel.

I don't know if this counts for much, but I am extremely proud of you for how you're handling this difficult situation...including the bravery you show by blogging your feelings.

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