Thursday, November 13, 2008


It’s cold. I hate the cold. I’m cold during the summer so you can imagine how cold I am right now. I’m always cold. I wasn’t meant to be climatically comfortable. It’s the universe giving me the middle finger is what it is. I need to bring a blanket with me to work. I’m an electric blanket junkie. Sigh.

Woke up again last night at 2:20am. UGH UGH UGH! Then HarMar jumps off the bed at 4:15am. That means act quick or he’s going to have a problem... on the carpet... in your room... and you’ll be a lot more awake cleaning that up than just letting him out. So I jumped up and threw the door open and he raced outside. He ALWAYS sleeps through the night, so he must have been feeling sick However, this did not spare me from basically being awake every 2 hours at 2am 4am and 6am. LAME!

You know, when I was in like 8th grade, I broke my leg. We were at Lake Almanor on the 1st day of vacation riding our bikes through the campground when we saw our friends RV arrive. We were racing back to camp to greet them and through a very unfortunate set of fast paced events I “Sort Of” ran over a lady. You know, really ramped right up the back of her leg and left tire tracks all over her!! As I attempted to exit my bike and put my left leg down it landed funny and on a hill and then i lost my balance and the bike and I fell over but my foot stayed in the same place. POP! broken.... leg.... My brother and sister raced back, got my parents, who brought the RV and we headed off to the hospital. The fracture sort of looked like someone traced an outline around a lollipop. NOT GOOD. This required a special cast clear up to high thigh even though the fracture was just above the ankle.

And since it was day 1 of vacation, you know we didn’t go home. They laid me up in a lounge chair and I got to watch everyone play, bike ride, have water gun fights, water ski, jet ski... I had to sleep in the RV while a gaggle of kids got to stay up all night in “tent city”... Mom was nice enough to let me have the window open so I could at least hear. To this day, almost SEVENTEEN YEARS LATER... There was a joke about chicken nuggets that I will never forgive myself for missing. They laughed until they cried. I just cried.

8 weeks I was immobile. Cast up to my thigh and they put it on so my knee was slightly bent and my foot pointed in just a little. Basically to ensure I wouldn’t be walking on it. Finally the cast came off. And FUCK if I could not for the life of me remember how to walk. I used to sit and watch people walk by and think, how do they do that?! Heel.. toe... bend knee... lift... repeat... It just didn’t come natural! OMG! Weeks I struggled with this. It was embarrassing and mind boggling. Who forgets how to fucking walk? It’s not like I had a stroke or a brain injury. I think really I just put too much thought into it. And my mom gave me a slight complex because she said I was walking pigeon toed. She was right, but it was one more thing to concentrate on that when I walked my feet pointed straight ahead so I didn’t look retarded. And I just kept thinking, when is this not going to be an issue anymore? When will things just be normal again? Will they ever be normal again? OMG...

So where am I going with all this? Clearly one day, I just started walking! Everything came together. I look normal, walk normal, no pigeon toes - NORMAL. But I had to let it all go first. I almost crippled myself literally with over-thinking and trying so hard to get it right and by observing and calculating what everyone else was doing or thinking about what I was doing...

And I think that’s what my life is right now. I’m all wrapped up in nothingness in my head even though everything is normal and all systems are go. And really it should just be natural. Life should just happen. I’m thinking and calculating and waiting on baited breath for things to just be normal again. What happened? Will things ever just be normal? Will I ever not feel like something is wrong all the time? Even though nothing is wrong, I’m not getting it right. I’m watching everyone else and they seem to be getting it right. Maybe if I do exactly what they do it will fix things. Nope, nope... that didn’t work. Think Marisa... Think...


STOP! Make it stop. Please - just stop. I’m ok... I’m doing it to myself... I have at least THAT MUCH awareness. I need more time at home, more time alone, more time to read, walk, be with nature - get back to basics and really let it all go.


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