High Function Incapacity

I’m a contradiction.

I’m a mess.

It’s too much to carry all this stress.

Had a moment at work today. Literally thought I was going to hyperventilate and had to get a grip of myself.  If you know me, I want to be perfect, I want to do it all, and as you can imagine that leads to epic failure. 

I’ve got this ailing elderly dog who needs more care and attention than an infant.

I have a job that could suck the life’s blood out of you and still want more. I’m juggling too much.

I want to have a life and have friends and do stuff. 

I want to be holly homemaker and a good friend and send thoughtful gifts and cards and make time to visit.

I want to be skinny and in great shape and be the wife every man dreams of.

After this summer, I don’t even know anymore. People see these epic photos of a life larger than their dreams... we’ve got a rockstar status RV, we have nice clothes, nice cars, take bucket list vacations and I should just shut up, right?!

Well, probably so, but this is my blog and I’m here to tell you... life is still hard. 

Yes we just went to Disneyland. Yes we just spent a week at the beach for a family milestone birthday. Yes we just spent a week in Las Vegas. Yes I just had a friends reunion party at our house for 25 people. Amazing right?! Fun right?! Who do you think plans this stuff? Flights, reservations, hotels, snacks, games, remembers the bandaids and sunscreen and tickets?? All while fielding work calls and prepping for the next big show? Sometimes you have to be weeks and days ahead of yourself so your equipment and clothes get into the right RV to make it to the next place in time.

When you are a founding member of the Cult of Perfection- it becomes near impossible to sort out what’s important and what’s not. I drill down on every minute detail of EVERYTHING to the point of sheer mental exhaustion. They say successful people can suffer from something called “Decision Fatigue”... I’m tapped out by the time I even get in my car to head for work... but accepting any less than lining up every aspect of life seems like failure. Why should I lower my standards? Why should I expect any less than perfection? Maybe because it’s killing me?! Lol!! But NO! 

I don’t know, it’s just a lot.