It's a simple life...

There's a lake that's not too far from here and my parents have a boat. My dad and brother and I cruised up to Millerton for a real quick trip. We were probably there and back within 2 hours LOL but it was awesome!

I did ride the innertube for a minute, but it sorta splashed all in my eyes and face and I figured I didn't need that business so I called it an afternoon! I remember as kids we owned the lake. Oh to be young again!

Either way, it was a great afternoon. Sometimes you just have to take a minute remember that sometimes it's a simple life, but it's a good life!

I want words - to make you sweat...

I think you've read before that I would consider myself a word nerd. I really do love words and language. I'm not saying I'm the best at it or anything, but there's something in my brain that just hangs onto words. I had a friend who said the word "reciprocate" to me on the phone the other day. It's like the word was in my own mouth. Like I could roll it around and practically taste it. Like it's no longer a word but a tangible entity. For me, I would describe that word as round and wet and tart. Does that even make sense? Does anyone else experience that?

Anyways, on my way down to San Diego this weekend I was having a bit of trouble with my FM transmitter and started scavenging for CD's. I'm pretty much all digital so it was a gamble if I had any at all! What I came across was something I bought at a poetry/spoken word event I attended last year. I hadn't really listened to it and now I had silence in the car to soak it all in.

Listen to this and tell me it's not the sexiest thing you've ever heard. The words and his expression of the power of words, plain and simple, turns me on.

Weekend Re-cap

For those of you who follow me on multiple mediums (Foursquare, Facebook, Twitter, etc) I'm sorry for the duplication...

For those of you who only read this blog and don't know, I went to San Diego (La Jolla) to visit my friend Shana. She was the ultimate hostess and we had the best time catching up, eating good food, and exploring her new city.

We went to Coronado Island and had lunch which was so cool. And also cool as in Fresno temps were around 108 and San Diego was like 83 and breezy!

We also took HarMar to the beach. He'd never been before and for a nervous little dog, he charged right into the ocean head first. It was SO CUTE!

There's something about water though. It's so soothing. Couldn't you just sit and stare at this forever? Pretty sure I could solve all the worlds problems with just 1 nights time pondering right here..

Anyways, I didn't take pictures of everything, but overall it was a great weekend. We slept in. We ate at quaint little outdoor restaurants. I even got up early and went for an exploration 5 mile run through La Jolla. HarMar even put on his best duds and accompanied us to the mall. In case you had to ask, he was THE MOST popular person/man/thing/dog in the city, that's for sure.

So what did you all do? And where's the pictures?!

My Nemesis has Returned!!!!!

That fucking bear is back... That dirty bear... He haunts my dreams... Hell, he stalks my fucking house!

Has anyone else received mail directly from Charmin? Of all the people in the world, it comes to me? ME?!

Read HERE, HERE, and HERE for my feelings on toilet paper advertising.

You all say I should quit talking about it, but what do I have to do? Take out a restraining order on this foul feces covered bear and his poorly hygiened family to make the assaults in my home stop? Look what just came in the mail!!

What the hell does that even mean? For a clean you will notice? What sort of "UNcleanness" is the general public experiencing right now where this marketing slogan is getting results?

I know I keep writing about it, but in all reality, I'm dumbfounded. I'm speechless. I'm in awe! Also, I'm pretty fucking offended too.

Can someone make it stop!?

Louie Louie Louis CK

I seem to have a thing for severely inappropriate comedians. Like when you have to listen to them alone because you're not sure any of your friends could handle it. Or like when you're pretty sure he has serial killer potential.

The two shows I'm obsessed with right now are Louis CK (Louie on FX) and Daniel Tosh (Tosh.0 on Comedy Central).
I love both their comedy and their TV shows. You should check them out! Just don't judge me or think of me when you watch/listen to them though!

Lighten up...

Yeah, I was on hiatus for like 2 months and then I came back all focused and upset and discouraged.

Sorry about that. Here's a cute picture of HarMar floating in the pool.

He HATES water, until you give him a floaty... Then he sails off on his own happy as a little clam. HA! I love him.

Taming my ego...

Now, I know I keep talking about exercise, but that was really just the catalyst to some emotional understanding, so bear with me.
Normally I avoid doing anything that I can't win at. I'm a very determined (nearly obsessive) and competitive person. I'm a perfectionist and hard on myself. Choosing this running thing is really testing me because I've had the realization that I will never win at it. I am not and never will be a contender. So do I stick with it? What is the point, really?

The run club that I've joined meets 6 days a week. On the weekends we do long runs and on Wednesdays at a local high school track for what they call speed work. Speed Work is a group of people RACING the following: 

*) Run 1 mile to warm up
*) Run 800 meters (Rest 90 sec)
*) Run 600 meters (Rest 90 sec)
*) Run 500 meters (Rest 90 sec)
*) Run 400 meters (Rest 90 sec)
*) Run 300 meters (Rest 90 sec)
*) Cool down (like 1/2 a mile)

That whole process takes about an hour. It's at 6pm which is about 100 degrees outside and it's miserable for everyone.

Yet, no matter how many people show up, I am dead last EVERY round, EVERY time.

60 year old men are lapping me and patting me on the back and saying "Good job kid, good job" which I feel is completely humiliating and patronized and awful! I have never been so embarrassed and discouraged in all my life. I turn red and I gasp for air and 90 seconds is not near enough time to recover my breath or my dignity. The tears well up in my eyes and it is nearly defeating. NEARLY. I don't know what makes me keep walking back out to that start line.

So, seriously, what the hell is going on out there?
What information am I to glean from these experiences?
Do I keep going knowing I'm hopelessly slow?
Why am I doing this?

I honestly feel like these are passionate gracious people who are simply tolerating my participation. Like how you would let a "challenged" child play on your team out of kindness even though they really offer ZERO contribution to the actual game.

I don't have any answers. I think at this point, my only resolve is to TRY and look at this differently. The ONLY thread I have is that I'm there. I'm doing it week after week. I'm doing the best I can.

That's it. That's all I've got.

CHECK-UP!

Well, most peoples new years resolutions are pretty long gone by now. I actually take mine pretty seriously and since yesterday was my birthday and almost exactly the half way point in the year, I thought we should do a little check-up on my progress.

My resolutions for 2010 are:

1) Have 75% lung capacity by June (Last checkup was 53%)
     *Well, I was diagnosed with asthma, but thanks to some pretty serious medication I'm happy to report my appointment on 7/7 now has me at 74% !!! I'm a month late and 1% off, but I'll take it! I can now run up to 6 miles and I'm claiming victory here!

2) Be in good shape by July (So I can wear a really inappropriate bikini!)
     *This is all relative. I see things changing on my body, but I can still pick apart my fat thighs and butt and double chin... BUT I did wear a bikini in Las Vegas which it's own tag described as "VERY minimal" coverage and guys still talked to me... SO that's on the road to being in good shape I think!

3) Read 2 books (Books towards my personal betterment)
     *I'm blaming #6 on this one. I did read Wayne Dyer's "Change your thinking, change your life" based on the Tao and now I'm half way through "Eating Animals" but that's SLOW going. The book is great, but by the time I lay down to read anything, I just fall asleep with the book on my face. Hey, 1 book down, another half the year to finish book #2. ON TRACK for victory!

4) Practice stillness - think before you talk & act
     *You know, what do I know? I think I've been pretty good about quelling my instantaneous emotional reactions and just "waiting" out the intensity before I choose to say something... but this is probably something I'll work on for the rest of my life. Just keeping it in mind is enough of a victory for me.

5) Be kinder to my mom (I've been a little rough on her - she's a good mom)
     *Ummmm, mom, how do you think it's going?  Just as soon as she talks to me I feel like my insides clench (like a fighter clenching his fists) and it's all I can do to not snip back and get defensive. Every conversation is a lesson in #4 let me tell you. I don't know what it is, but there is something about the two of us that just goes from 0 to 100 in less than 5 seconds flat! Sorry mom, it's not you, it's me!

6) Watch less TV
     *FAIL! Major fail. I love TV. I love zoning out to TV. I love my DVR. I can't get a fucking thing done to save my life, but I. LOVE. TV. And yesterday Big Brother started. And in September we're talking Dexter and Smallville. Yeah, I won't even bother writing this one down again. I have all this will power and I want to break free, but I don't. I <3 you TV... Marisa & TV 4EVER!

7) Go to bed earlier and be to work on time
     *I should have been more specific about what "early" and "on time" means. I try to be asleep by 11 and be at work by 8:30. Does that count? :( Oh really, it doesn't? Ok, well 5 months left to work on this one too then. ha.

Same Sh*t, Different Day

But oddly enough, I'm okay with it. I just really really hate being a one-track record. Isn't that weird? I'm more concerned with people thinking I'm boring or uneven than I am about my own feelings about my life.

Truth is, I'm very focused right now and I like it. I actually have a huge insurmountable goal ahead of me that I don't think I can do, which pretty much has guaranteed I'm going to do whatever it takes to make sure I can do it!  Did that make sense?

I've told you all over and over again I'm a nervous person. Pushing myself to go out and do new things is draining because it requires a very strong self-talk! So when I can focus on some future event and fall into a pretty rigorous routine - I LIKE IT - It's good for me.

So what's this goal you say? I want to call myself a runner! You thought I was going to say it was running the half-marathon November 7th (Put it in your calendars please, I want you there with a big sign. EXTRA glittery!) didn't you? The actual marathon isn't the goal though. That's just the time frame I've given myself to FEEL like I'm a runner.

What does being a runner feel like? I don't know!
*Does it mean having expensive gear? Got that! (this is not a poor mans sport, jesus christ!)
*Does it mean running a certain number of miles per week? I'm doing at least 15 right now.
*Does it mean eating and stretching and dreaming and talking about it? Doing that too. (Sorry guys)
*Does it mean joining a running club and surrounding yourself with other people more passionate than you? Boy howdy did I pick a crazy and practically infamous running club.
*Does it mean entering competitive races? Did my 1st one July 4th and was able to beat my goal time which was very exciting.

Yeah, still not feeling it.

I got knocked down by my doctor who informed me I have environmentally induced asthma! No wonder all this work is still HARD! I'm on inhaler after inhaler too. UGH I hate taking medicine. But I'm stubborn and I've made my mind up this is what I'm going to do god dammit and I'm going to do it!

So that's what I do... I get up, I go to work, I go run/exercise/weight train, I meet with my running club, I try to nibble on something healthy and then fall asleep and start the whole process over.

Did you know today was my birthday? What did I do, you ask? I kept my 7:30pm training appointment, that's what I did! WHY? Because I could be out and eating and drinking, but the real gift to myself is one of health of peace of mind that I'm doing everything I can to accomplish my one big huge insurmountable goal! YAY ME!

Next blog... Taming the ego!