Eh...

So here's a little about me. I hate being alone. I'm fully capable of being alone and I was raised an only child in the country many miles from civilization and I am MORE than capable of entertaining myself. However, I don't like it. (This doesn't include going to my parents house, I'm sure I could always hang out there)

Anyways, a lot of my friends are pretty free and fancy free. They have an open door policy and you can sorta show up whenever. I refuse to do that. Even if someone says "Yeah, we're going to "blah blah blah" later..." I need them to actually say, "WOULD **YOU** LIKE TO COME?" I will not show up to an open ended invitation. I would so much rather be alone than have someone be ambivalent to whether I showed up or not.

However, people always say, Marisa, if you are feeling low or sad or whatever, CALL US. Lean on your friends. Don't sit at home and be that way. So I call. And I get an "uhhhh, yeah..." REJECTION! I'm reading into it I'm sure. I'm extra sensitive I'm sure. Every reasonable explanation in the book I'm sure.

So... Maybe it's my problem, maybe I'm too sensitive. Or maybe my feelings are hurt because I have NEVER EVER asked for help or told someone "I need you" and I made myself vulnerable to them and I finally did that and .............. nothing.

Rejection is really hard for me to cope with. Sometimes it's perceived rejection. I think a lot of times I prefer to text because then there's a distance there. Then it doesn't "sting" so much when the rejection comes.

Eh. So I put it all back in perspective now. I'm okay being alone. I'm finding a way to turn off all that "NEED" that I have. So there ya go, that's a little bit about me.

The WTF Blanket

This is HILARIOUS... and totally makes me laugh out loud every time I watch it!



Also, I find this mildly amusing too - although my coworkers are starting to find it overwhelming. I'm just trying to recycle... people. And they don't take my trash out anymore O.K.!?!


You can see my progress by clicking HERE And unfortunately, the picture above is a fresh start. I already recycled the last batch!

I hate myself, I really really do..

Yeah, I know... No one is perfect, but I am so embarrassingly flawed it is NOT funny.

Monday night, I fell down just walking and hurt myself. I wish I had story... I was sky diving, I was mugged, I was having crazy shower sex and slipped and fell (My friend Christa suggested that one - thank you Christa - NOW THAT would be a story!) Something... but no... just walking... felt a little wobbly in my high heels... and FLOOP, down I went. Sigh.

Actually, I thought I was fine, then in the middle of the night, I woke up and MY whole left arm was stiff and HURT!

I'm no stranger to broken bones and I was pretty sure I broke it. I took the day off work, spent all day at the Urgent Care getting X-rays, etc... but turns out, it's not broken - I'm just a loser. You can't even get a prescription for that...

So I have to wear a brace for a few days. Oddly enough, no one is really asking "What happened to your arm?" so it seems Marisa and "being broken" are two thoughts people put together rather easily.

You can read further about how much I utterly DESPISE being clumsy by clicking HERE.

I just hate it. Despite reassurances from others that I have any redeemable qualities, all of us have something they really really HATE about themselves. This is the bane of my existence. I hate hate hate it. Ugh...

A collection of Letters I've been meaning to write for a while...

#1...

Dear 'strange woman who looks like a man that has a mustache and drives a shitty KIA'

Did no one explain to you what cruise control is? It is nearly impossible to drive circles around my car while I've been going a steady 85 mph in the same direction for the last 135 miles, but somehow you found a way.

Possibly I am being intolerant. Maybe you have some sort of rare right leg only seizure which forces you to slow down to 50 mph and then SPASM and mash down on the gas and leap up to 100 mph, careening across traffic while spastically changing lanes as we all hold on for dear life? I shouldn't judge you.

Maybe you suffer from multiple personality disorder and this is merely you phasing between Matilda the 90 year old grandma driver and Steve the 'roided out road rage-aholic? Again I judged you, let me apologize. 200 miles and you are still circling me!

OR MAYBE - just maybe... you shouldn't be driving? Since I tried to escape you and you are still right next to me, clearly you are not afraid of me typing a blog on my iPhone and creepily taking pics of your car. Haha.

Either way I have thoroughly entertained myself and burst out laughing every time you FLY by me, so thank you.
------------------------

#2

Dear Severely Mentally handicapped lady who speaks only Spanish, but has my cell # on speed dial...

I have been trying so hard to come up with an explanation as to why you call me at all hours of the day and night. Over and over and over again. From different numbers, but I know it's you. At 8 am and 4 pm and 2 am...

Who exactly is Inara? And exactly how many times do you need to call before you actually understand this is not the person you are trying to reach?

I assumed you spoke Spanish, but my cries of "El numero es no bueno" have fallen on deaf ears and were only answered by another "...Inara?" Did I misunderstand something?

What part of my voice mail stating my name and speaking in English makes you think Inara will soon be returning your call?

Seriously... if you have this much of a deficit, how are you holding a job to pay for your cell phone? Someone? Anyone? HELP! We're talking no less than 100 calls over the last year.

---------------------------
#3

Dear crazy lady who runs around the lake (rain, fog, sleet, darkness... nothing stops you) about 35 times a day who has a limp and is clearly not enjoying herself...

I admire your consistency, but what is your story?

I imagine you were in some sort of debilitating accident... something that left you damaged - maybe you thought you would never walk again... and now you run. You run that crazy curly hair flying but 1 leg is stiff run. I see you no matter what time I leave the house and I.AM.FASCINATED...!

MAYBE you were fat and had gastric bypass and lost all the weight, but your obsession with food has turned into some sort of compulsive exercise disorder!? And now you fear you will gain it all back if you don't RUN... RUN LIKE THE WIND... 24 hours a day...

Or MAYBE... you are just crazy... Cuz, goddamn you have never not been outside running... OMG STOP IT!

Yes, my pretties, GROW...

:)SO, I have one of those AeroGarden things. I got it for my birthday 2 years ago and I LOVE IT! I've decided I don't use it often enough though...

These are tomatoes after only like 2 weeks!


Totally cool! Did I mention I love this thing? All you do is add water and it turns its grow light on and off, tells you when to add a "nutrient pill", and grows WICKED FAST!

I totally want the "Salsa Garden" one. It will grow everything you need to make salsa. UMMM, who loves chips and salsa more than me?

NO ONE - that's who!

They also release a "Strawberry" one in the spring.

Spent some time tinkering...

I'm trying to learn the basics of video editing for work... (Using my WONDERFUL macintosh, of course!)

Unfortunately, I'm using a program 2 versions old, so I don't know how relevant my knowledge will be next week! I say that because Apple just released a new version which I immediately purchased, but it doesn't ship til the end of this month - so I'm in limbo. Their stuff is so easy to use though, I'm sure I'll have no trouble picking up the next version.

Anyways, what better way to learn than with a tribute to my little man. Here is my finished product for your viewing pleasure.

I'd walk a mile...

FOR A CHOCODILE !!

Remember those? Well, suddenly I was gripped with fever and anxiety and I HAD to have one. I didn't exactly walk a mile, but I did drive (Hey I have on 4" heeled boots and it's raining outside okay?) the 1/4 mile to the gas station...

Got me a 32 oz fountain drink (Mt Dew of course) and....

A CHOCODILE!!

I would show you more pictures, but I already ate the whole thing! HA!

Goodness...

Well, I'm in a picture taking mood and I actually did something exciting this last weekend, so why not share that with the world right?

Back in... uhhh... 1994... I went snowboarding for the first time... AND I LOVED IT! I think that was about the time they "invented" snowboarding! Admittedly, being around at the INVENTION of something makes me feel really old... SO we're gonna move on!!!

Sometime between 1994 and 1996 there were some really cute boys up at the summit. Boys I decided I wanted to hang out with. So I left my group and I followed these cute boys into the woods, off the beaten path, over the jumps, and then down the hill to the hospital to get the necessary cast put on my arm - because - well - I suck at snowboarding - and I break easy - and god keeps telling me to appreciate my desk job - but I don't listen well and I am a REALLY slow learner!

Actually I did go again thru 2000, but by then I was married and busy and somehow I looked at the calendar and NINE YEARS WENT BY and I realized I hadn't been! And I own the boots and the board and all the stuff too! So yeah...lame!

This time I went with cute boys I do know.


Boys who are really good and do jumps and stuff:


And they even said I didn't hold them up at all! Actually they held me up, as in each grabbed a shoulder as we got off the lift probably because I do know how to play human dominoes! No, seriously...


I wish you could see my cute snowboard. It has goldfish on it :) I also wish you could see me reppin' my hardcore Pantera shirt, but that's ok - I already know I'm super cool! HA!

Actually, I had lots of fun, didn't get too competitive and push myself, and I didn't break anything! I just needed to get my confidence back that I can actually go outside and not fall apart. If I go again I'll try more things I think!

The year before last was a milestone when I got a bike for my birthday and I FREAKED out because I hadn't rode a bike since I broke my leg... and I was sure I was going to die. Now I can ride my bike without dying and it's awesome - especially since I live right next to a lake and our cities nicest park/bike trail...

Now, dare I try to overcome my fear of RollerBlading next? (Yes yes, you guessed it, broke my elbow doing that...) Maybe I better just stick to the basics...

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words...

Right now, this is my FAVORITE PHOTO!



Check me out! May 1985 - I was 6 years old. Apparently I was ALWAYS a bomb ass cook! Look at my face - you can see the confidence in my face. I still make that face.

Cooking is a hobby of mine and when I came across this picture, I fell in love with it all over again and just had to share.

My life on the road - From the beginning!

(This is something I'm posting for a work RV Blog I just started... Thought's I'd share)

There have been plenty of good times in my life and as I sit here and reflect, there was always an RV involved somehow.

Even in the EARLY 80's we cruised around this country in swanky orange and brown fashion circa 1979 - in a 1979 Titan motorhome that is!

We fell in love with its dark brown booth dinette that folded into a bed (Which cushions - to my moms chagrin - we used to steal, put vinyl side down, and sled down the stairs with at our first home) and it's cumbersome roman shades and strange dutch-doored bathroom.

I can recall with surprising detail a rich history of friends, family, tradition, bonding, and overall happiness - all thanks to life on the road.

In the early 90's, my parents upgraded to a 1989 Winnebago Elandan 38' MHA. We left the rich browns and oranges of the 70's and soothed ourselves in the blues and pinks of the 80's. We caravaned with our friends, we boated on the Colorado river, we rode roller coasters at Six Flags, we rode our bikes through Lake Almanor until we couldn't even feel our legs anymore, and it was awesome. (Actually, note the picture below where I broke my leg on above said bike, but we were so dedicated to vacation we stayed...)

Life was an adventure all thanks to our motorhome!

There was no such thing as a slide-out in those days, which leaves me baffled as to how 2 parents, 3 teenagers (me, my brother, and sister) and 1 infant (15 years our junior, little brother) made it across this expansive country in essentially a giant hallway without killing each other! Actually, you know how we did it? My dad would gear up for the drive and our littlest brother would snack and nap, and we would do what you do in an RV- ANYTHING YOU WANTED TO!

We pretended we were surfing...
We played cards at the booth dinette...
We watched movies on the back bed (Yes, all 4 of us at once!)...
We listened to our CD players (This was before iPods!)...
We clamored at the window to take pictures of the buffalo blocking the road in Yellowstone...
We sang, we tried to get truckers to honk as they passed us, we ate more candy than should be legal, we microwaved and ate hundreds of chicken chimichangas from Costco... and we really truly LIVED...!

We stopped at strange things we saw along the road...
We read books and journaled our stops and compared the different pins and patches and stickers we had purchased...
We tasted crisp clean air as we took pictures of Lake Louise in Banff...
We giggled uncontrollably as we exchanged our allowances for Canadian money...
We ate the best ice cream EVER at an RV park in Montana...
We shopped until we literally dropped at the 4 story mall in Vancouver...
We plotted and planned our attack on Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon and Zion...

And I can't imagine my life if any one of those memories were missing.

Since then, my parents have upgraded to a 1999 Newmar Dutchstar with 1 slide! I'm 30 years old and you know what I enjoy? RVing... My older brother and sister have married and moved away, but that doesn't deter me one bit. Just recently, I called my mom and dad and little brother (Who is now taller than me!) and said "I want to go on an RV trip!" They eagerly obliged and just 2 months ago we set off over Thanksgiving vacation for Las Vegas! This time we brought the dogs and the adventure started again!



I read books, we watched movies, we had in motion satellite and internet, I worked on my laptop, and I realized that life is just SO SO good.

It's no mere coincidence I found my true calling in the RV industry. Thirteen years and three days later and I still get fulfillment and excitement from these homes away from home. If I could only explain to you, dear reader, that no matter what the cost or the maintenance or storage or the EXCUSES we tell ourselves - how WORTH IT RV ownership is, my life would be complete.

My past has always involved an RV and you can bet your bottom dollar my future plans involve one too! See you out there... on the road again...!

I couldn't come up with a clever title :(

I got my hair done seemed like such a poor title.

I'm sort of a hair adventurist. I'm not really afraid to do anything. I'll cut it short, grow it long, dye it pink and purple and red and blonde and blue and black. I'll do it curly or straight. Here are a few examples :)
















So Anyways... I love my hair dresser. His name is Troy Newland and he's been doing my hair since 1999. He has a beautiful model wife and he's an awesome photographer. Visit his website if you're so inclined. CLICK HERE!
That's TEN YEARS of innovation and no two styles have been the same.

Sadly though, during these economically trying times, I need to go a bit longer in between appointments. This means picking a color that's not so high maintenance!

I'm going back to boring brown :( I hate brown. Not Troys fault, he did a great job and this is just what I told him to do... But I can't wait to get back to something that has a bit more "personality"...

Anyways - here's my big reveal... Whatcha think?

An Apple A Day...

So, here I am at work... I’m using my wonderful G5 w/ cinema display to put specials on our website, I’m writing this blog, I’m using Excel to calculate price discounts on aged inventory, I stopped to scribble down blog ideas for an RV industry travel related blog I will be implementing soon, I have my iPhone in front of me and just sent a text... I took a break and bought a CD on iTunes and synced that to my iPod and iPhone... and all the while I’ve been watching a podcast from Macworld called the Keynote Address and it’s all the latest innovations in software that Apple has come out with to their iLife and iWork products.

I am pretty much on the verge of tears here. It’s so wonderful. I’m going to quit my job and move to Cupertino. I’m going to be a squatter in the Apple lobby until they agree to give me a job. Just let me be a janitor - maybe answer the phone every once and a while? I know I’m not educated enough or innovative enough to ever actually DO anything, but I just want to be next to cool people.

My whole life is run by this company already. Apple is my Nirvana... my mecca.

They did a small demonstration of one of the programmers on how to use iMovie to edit and make your own video presentations. I think I actually blurted out “I want to marry that man!” Sorry... I got caught up in the moment!

I want to make brochures and websites and videos and graphs just for the sake of using their software. I don’t even do presentations and graphs, but I’m in lurve... not lust, not love, but LURVE... I LURVE IT... At night I sleep on the right side of the bed. HarMar sleeps next to me on my left. And my left pillow is for my iBook. Yeah, that’s right, I sleep with my laptop. I’m THAT much of a nerd.

Honestly, I don’t expect any of you to make it to this last sentence. I know you all are like - WOW this chick is super uncool. But that’s ok. I’m so happy right now. I’m inspired to do STUFF. And honestly, when I do it, I’m able to do every aspect with passion and enjoyment and excitement. How many of you can say that about the mundane details of your life?

www.dictionary.com

Right next to google, my favorite website is www.dictionary.com! I get SOO into words. I have this whole emotional reaction to reading, to listening to people talk - something almost sensual. The way they roll off your tongue. The delicate differences in meaning - the synonyms! You can read about my discovery of this and it’s relationship to men “HERE”

Actually, I’m not that smart and I would IN NO WAY classify myself as a writer. I have ZERO skills compared to the fellow bloggers I follow and I know and openly admit this. I’m probably just a really talkative person who led a sheltered childhood, spent my days and night reading, and grew up to be “a bit wordy”... But whatever!

One of my favorite books is The Feast of Love by Charles Baxter. I know there was a movie about it. Don’t even bother watching the movie. It’s horrible and lame, jumps around, and hardly builds the true depth of the characters, and skips all the details that make the story really stick... Please, just read the book. So I hop onto half.com to buy a copy for a friend who I think would enjoy it and wind up on amazon reading about the other books Charles Baxter has written - which I have not read and now want to.

One of the critiques used a word I had never heard before. I mean, it’s obvious what the root of the word is, but I was intrigued.

li⋅bid⋅i⋅nous
   /lɪˈbɪdnəs/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [li-bid-n-uhs]
–adjective
1.         full of sexual lust; lustful; lewd; lascivious.
2.         of, pertaining to, or characteristic of the libido.

WHAT A WORD!

How’d you like your definition to be “Lewd & Lascivious” ? Ha ha - that made me laugh out loud. Then I hop over to thesaurus.com because I feel like admitting to the world what a giant geek I am. I’m the lame kid that sits at home and memorizes the dictionary. OH GOD. Did I not just write “THIS” about also eating mayonnaise from the jar? And we all know that kid. Lord, save me now!

OK, back on track...

So thesaurus.com says this:

Main Entry:         libidinous
Part of Speech:         adjective
Definition:         lustful
Synonyms:         carnal, coarse, concupiscent, debauched, fast, hot*, impure, incontinent, lascivious, lecherous, libertine, loose*, obscene, passionate, prurient, salacious, satyric, sensual, unchaste, wanton, wicked

My favorite of those is SALACIOUS... I just want to say that word all the time. It’s a slippery word... actually, almost chewy... Does that make any sense?

So back to dictionary.com

sa⋅la⋅cious
   /səˈleɪʃəs/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [suh-ley-shuhs] Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
1.         lustful or lecherous.

Now I’m thinking LECHEROUS... These words are gathering a more and more negative connotation, but I’m loving saying them to myself.

So that was my 10 minute break at work. You didn’t think I could take a sensual love of words and a pretty darn raunchy sexual word and turn it into a window into Nerd-dom did you? HA HA

Water Under the Bridge

I bet you think this is going to be another one of those deep emotional posts that I’ve been on a roll with lately. Well, it’s not, sorry.

Actually, I’ve read 3 completely random blogs this week talking about censoring and not putting everything you’ve ever felt and heard up on the internet... UHHHHH - OOOPS, too late for that!

Actually, one of them was more about being true and authentic to yourself. I think I can honestly say that, while I’m contradictory and often confused, I am true to myself in those moments. I don’t even know if anyone reads this drivel, but I’m not making apologies. This whole blog is about me and for me. I release all that pent up *WHATEVER* into the universe so I can go back to being happy go lucky. Unfortunately, for YOU, dear reader, I’m often only inspired to write when something is “agitating” or “sad” or “upsetting” or overall negative. And, secretly, I think I’m at my funniest when I’m a little dry and sarcastic and dark too. So, lets try something new.

What’s with this stuff they call water? SOO overrated. It doesn’t even have a taste, but I hate the way it tastes, especially for it’s lack of taste. There’s a proof-read sentence. HA! What can I say, I write like I talk. I’m not dumb, but I fear the valley girl in me just came out. I hate water. I know you need it to like live and stuff, but UGH, totally!

WIth 2009 here, I thought a good goal for the new year would be “moderation”... I’m sort of an EXCESS girl - very over the top, and being that just a couple posts ago, I admitted to drinking a record breaking amount of energy drinks and Mt Dew, I figured a little water wouldn’t hurt.

So I scaled back, no Rockstar in the morning - water instead. Only 2 Mt Dews a day, water in between. Glass of wine at night, water when I go to bed. I have never peed more in my life... Why do we even need to drink water??? It’s like in and out in 5 seconds. Don’t message me about the kidneys either - those things are busy doing a whole lotta nothing... (Shakes head) Water...

LAME!

I try to make it taste better by using an orange cup which is MY FAVORITE COLOR!
Here I am in a photo montage - see if you can guess what I’m thinking- and yes, I have a hair appointment this Saturday - don't look at the hair.

Breath of Fresh Air...

So... Seems everything has been too serious lately.

Most of the bloggers that I follow (along wtih most people on the planet) have children and all that business. Since I have about as much maternal instinct as a caveman (Which is odd because I carry HarMar like a baby, rock him, and hum to him - and cook for, tend to, and over all try to fatten up all my friends) I thought I would share with you my little man. He does bring so much joy.

This is Har Mar!


How about a picture that - thanks to my mad photoshop skillz - you cannot look at without smiling.


If that doesn’t do it for you, look into his eyes in this one. Awwww.


He sleeps with me in decadent luxury.


He’s pretty much the most spoiled dog on earth. Look at all that booty...


Just don’t EVER try to take his cookie from him!


He goes with me everywhere...


Enjoy’s long walks on the beach around the lake.


And occasionally has a bad hair day.


So - now you can say you have met the cutest dog on earth. Tell your friends!

So when did this happen?

Ha Ha Ha... You know CNN is pretty good about this. They let me know when we were in a “Slow Down”... They told me their predictions for the presidency... Hell, they even let me know Charles Barkley got a DUI this week... But they failed to mention that the earth fell off its axis and sent us hurtling through space all upside down and shit! Way to miss your big break CNN.com - Not cool!

So when did this happen? I think it’s the new year. I don’t put a lot of importance in the holidays and that stuff, but that last week after Christmas I start spinning. I get all reflective about the past year and start thinking about the future. I don’t do good without a goal or something to focus on. Oddly enough, it’s usually not a very tangible goal like losing weight or buying a new car - It’s mostly some sort of private personal betterment, which I won’t share although I seem to share everything anyways.

I really surprised myself with my last post. All that end of year reflection sent me down a path I wasn’t ready for. I never wanted to be a victim of my childhood and I think a lot of people are. I want to grow and learn and understand why I am who I am - and if I don’t like some of it, then change it and get better, but those memories I never seemed to dwell on. Oh sure, over the years I’ve thrown out a few “Oh yeah, well my dad used to lock me in the car and go bar hopping” conversation stoppers, quickly followed by an awkward laugh and a “But I don’t talk to him anymore, so whatever” finale... But to read it... All pretty and paragraphed and punctuated... all in a neat little time line of disfunction - I thought, what does a person learn from THAT? It was heavy for me - I mean, I’ve always known those experiences were “uncool” but whoa...

So, I found myself at the bitter end of 2008... New Years Eve... crying uncontrollably in the arms of a VERY startled friend who had NO IDEA where all of that emotion came from... and I just kept saying “Where is the ground? I’m spinning and I don’t know which way is up!” And while having drank my fair share, this wasn’t THE world spinning, this was MY world spinning. And as we talked and he talked, he shared with me his own spin, which surprised me. I honestly thought I was the only one - how conceited of me I guess... (PS - thank you my dear friend for not leaving me as I expect most people will and hopefully you will make a full recovery from the onslaught of all my deepest fears and emotions)

Then yesterday I had the most amazing conversation with one of my most beloved friends and I’m now sure we are the same person. And after hearing her own “Out of Nowhere” New Years Eve sobfest, she says to me Marisa, I’m upside down, I’m spinning - and that’s when I knew it was time to write CNN a letter and ask them how they failed to mention that our earths 23 1/2 degree tilt was SOO 2008 and that gravity was a thing of the past and we were all destined to float around flailing and trying to right ourselves. Ha Ha Ha. Actually, I’m an awkward joke maker, sorry.

SO, here’s what’s good. People are good. My friends are good. And everyone has a story, but what matters is finding those few you can share those stories with. I’m ending 2008 with a new understanding of myself and certainly a DEEP appreciation for the people I have in my life. And then, BAM, I got it - instead of bemoaning my past and all of us separate and floating around aimlessly - THIS was the moment... All of my “Why is life like this? How do we change this? How do I stop the spinning?” questions and statements were missing the point.

I have this little corner in my room I sit at:

and in the center is a book of quotes. And I suppose I should change it up, but actually I just re-read the same one every day. That quote is:

You cannot, and will not,
encounter a circumstance,
or a single moment, that
does not serve directly and
immediately the need of your
soul to come to wholeness,
to heal. (Gary Zukav)

And at that moment I knew everything had to be just as it was. That what mattered was not all this THINKING and reflecting, but there, in “that moment” was what I needed. My friends. We were there for each other when it mattered most and I think my troubled little soul did take a step closer to wholeness.