High Function Incapacity

I’m a contradiction.

I’m a mess.

It’s too much to carry all this stress.

Had a moment at work today. Literally thought I was going to hyperventilate and had to get a grip of myself.  If you know me, I want to be perfect, I want to do it all, and as you can imagine that leads to epic failure. 

I’ve got this ailing elderly dog who needs more care and attention than an infant.

I have a job that could suck the life’s blood out of you and still want more. I’m juggling too much.

I want to have a life and have friends and do stuff. 

I want to be holly homemaker and a good friend and send thoughtful gifts and cards and make time to visit.

I want to be skinny and in great shape and be the wife every man dreams of.

After this summer, I don’t even know anymore. People see these epic photos of a life larger than their dreams... we’ve got a rockstar status RV, we have nice clothes, nice cars, take bucket list vacations and I should just shut up, right?!

Well, probably so, but this is my blog and I’m here to tell you... life is still hard. 

Yes we just went to Disneyland. Yes we just spent a week at the beach for a family milestone birthday. Yes we just spent a week in Las Vegas. Yes I just had a friends reunion party at our house for 25 people. Amazing right?! Fun right?! Who do you think plans this stuff? Flights, reservations, hotels, snacks, games, remembers the bandaids and sunscreen and tickets?? All while fielding work calls and prepping for the next big show? Sometimes you have to be weeks and days ahead of yourself so your equipment and clothes get into the right RV to make it to the next place in time.

When you are a founding member of the Cult of Perfection- it becomes near impossible to sort out what’s important and what’s not. I drill down on every minute detail of EVERYTHING to the point of sheer mental exhaustion. They say successful people can suffer from something called “Decision Fatigue”... I’m tapped out by the time I even get in my car to head for work... but accepting any less than lining up every aspect of life seems like failure. Why should I lower my standards? Why should I expect any less than perfection? Maybe because it’s killing me?! Lol!! But NO! 

I don’t know, it’s just a lot.

Losing yourself...

Some days do you ever feel like you’re playing a game of hide and seek with yourself?

When you are, internally by nature, a people pleaser, the easiest option is to “when in Rome” it... but do that too many times and it’s pretty easy to forget if you’re doing some things because you like them or if that’s just what so n so likes. Or do you like it because it quells the anxiety of taking a stand and doing something different? 

Maybe I started typing this before my thoughts have formulated enough? 

What do I like?! Like really like like?!?!

I used to draw. I love colored sharpie markers and elaborate designs.

I used to run. I loved my physique and constant feelings of accomplishment.

I used to do yoga. I loved the connection to something karmic & universal. And the exercise, flexibility & inner peace didn’t hurt either!

I used to blog. Writing has always been cathartic for me. And I’m funny. And I LOVE documenting life. I feel like a gripping, humorous, raw, honest, informative blog is something they should share at your funeral so everyone can catch a glimpse of a decent person living an exceptional life!

I used to read. Voraciously. There’s nothing in life like a good book.

So why don’t I do those things? Not because we’re too busy (although sometimes) but moreso because those things are selfish. They take time alone. Or better yet, they take time away- away from Curt who assigns ZERO value to blogging or reading or running a marathon. And that’s when I say “what do you want to do?” And poof, I’m lost again.

Not sure I have an answer yet. Right when I say it’s all going to change, we leave for another show! Talk a an all encompassing, life changing event...! DERAILED....

But I am working secretly to get there. I’ve been tracking my sleep, cutting back on my caffeine, doing some light exercise, & hopefully, slowly I’ll get to where I can sleep better, wake up more rested, have more energy and a clearer mind to hone in on some time for ME.