Worst timing ever...

Yeah, I think I'm getting sick. With all the swine flu mumbo jumbo, my body would choose TODAY to mimic all the symptoms of a pandemic virus...

Anyways, I figure tons of Mountain Dew & Chocodiles Emergen-C will cure just about all of my ailments right?


It could be anything actually. I've never experienced allergies before, but I have strange "pressure" in my head/nose/ear area. Is that SINUS related?!

They say there are only 2 reasons people move to the valley - You either want allergies or you're an allergy doctor. I made it 30 years. THIRTY. YEARS. before it got me. Sigh.

I know myself though. I need to drink water, lay down, sleep well, and I'll be over it it like nothing. I know you all think I'm unhealthy because of all the Mountain Dew love, but to be honest (besides that gaping hole of hypocrisy) I'm probably the healthiest person you know and haven't been sick in nearly two years. That's pretty good, eh?

Alright, finishing work and going home to recoup!

-------------

OH yeah, and PS - The Kentucky Derby is this Saturday and my mom is planning just about the most intense Derby Party I've ever imagined. Should be cool!

"Run for the Roses!"

I'll post pics next week sometime if I don't die while drinking my weight in Mint Juleps. Seriously, the recipe is 4oz of bourbon, 1/4 cup of simple syrup & a sprig of mint. Shouldn't we just do shots and chew on the mint after cuz WOW... I'm making up a word now and sayin' we're gonna get Kentucky Krunk up in the hizouse!

I'm so chill...

..ed to the bone 24 hours a day. Do you understand how uncomfortable it is to be cold all the time?

Text conversation this morning:

FRIEND: Got cool last night.

ME: Oh Geez, I better bring a jacket! It’s only gonna be 73 today!

FRIEND: Ha Ha that was funny! You were trying to be funny, right?

ME: LOL Ummm should I take this jacket off then?

Yeah yeah, I know people laugh at me. People in Wisconsin are probably happy if it breaks 50 degrees and I’ve got goose bumps if it dips under 80.

AH WELL, what’re ya gonna do? I guess move to one of the few places in California (that's not the desert) where temperatures can reach a sweltering 115 degrees. I'll be revising this post and cursing the sun at an unnamed later date. (Or going up to the lake a lot. Hopefully my parents get the houseboat/speedboat/jetskis all ready soon. I can't wait!)

I love Fresno!

No-No Topiaries

Wait, what are we talking about? Nothing appropriate, I can pretty much guarantee you that.

I thought part of my big impressive word I made up but have no idea what it means City Blogging Focus could be to include Product Reviews. Who else can you trust to tell you about stuff no one else is awkwardly uncomfortable enough to say?? Yeah, that's what I thought.

You may or may not be an avid reader of the BeeHive, but one of their recent posts was about then new Schick Quattro For Women Trimstyle Razor. At first I was horrified by the commercial. Being a detail oriented person, I was quite disturbed to see gardening gone awry. I mean, who knew "bush" had another meaning? The giant morphing No-No Topiaries were about all I could handle.


Although shaken and disturbed, I reflected upon my previous musings where I lamented having to give up my brazilians and thought... I wanna try this thing!! Apparently the entire nation was in a deep congo of crisis though because every frickin store in town was SOLD OUT for 3 weeks straight!

I finally got my hands on one this weekend. Now would be a good time to mention that my internal dialog has taken a detour. She wants to know why I am reviewing a product that 1) is putting WAAAY to much personal information on the internet and 2) I can't even show you photos of my handywork. Well, I could, but talk about a redefined blog focus. HAHAHAHA

Anyways, it was $10 and came with a wall holder AND the necessary AAA battery (which never happens!!) it's water proof, easy to use, and overall I like it! Word to the wise, should your shower share a wall with your still sleeping roommates bedroom, you might want to disclaim what the noisy electronic buzzing sound is before she draws some rather unsavory conclusions about you. Ha Ha Ha

How's that for a product review?

Flower Bouquets and The Cancer!

So I've been busy the last few days. I think I'm a pretty creative person, but I also believe that I'm such a copy-cat poser. I was asked to help make little gifts for Administrative Professionals Day. I am proud of how they turned out so I'm going to share them with you! (Also note, I work best alone, late at night, and on an EXTREME budget. These cost $34.95 each from a place like Edible Arrangements and I was able to make 12 of them for $75 total.

First you have to chocolate dip the strawberries.


Then I cut pineapple with a cookie cutter and used cantaloupe to complete the flower and put grapes on skewers.


I bought clear vases at Dollar Tree and florist foam at Michaels. Then I wrapped the foam in colored foil to hide it and started assembling the bouquets.


And here is the final product. Whatcha think?



---------------------
As a side note, I've agreed to do some things that are really out of character for me. Like a hail storm of tangible panic, social opportunities are raining down upon me. I write one stinkin' post about doing a "city blog" (Which I have no idea what that even means) and now I'm in the '09 Blogger Olympics! What's this?! I can no longer hide behind my keyboard? I'm being forced out and not just to meet people, but to COMPETE? I'm pretty sure this is as close to feeling The Cancer grow as one could imagine. I don't know what to expect. I'm freaking out. FREAKING. OUT. This, of course, will be taken as a sign of weakness. That's okay, it won't stop me from destroying @MoralThreat at Skee Ball! (I keed - I keed!)

I know I border on narcissism and low self-esteem at the same time which may confuse some of you, but I'm taking a minute to show my softer side here. I am nowhere near the caliber of people I've been meeting. They are outgoing, educated, witty, creative, and SUPER SMART! I am honored to be included in this fine group of bloggers and look forward to bringing all of my anxiety, panic, nervous twitching, and inappropriate sense of humor into the real world and public forum.

City bloggin' - here I come!

So yesterday I was “called out” by my friend* MIke. He was mentioning that our city, Fresno, doesn’t have enough female bloggers. After *AHEM* very politely mentioning that I am indeed female and blog it up quite often, he clarified that I write, but I don’t write about where I live. I, of course, have failed in mentioning my lovely town of residence due to an intense fear of identity theft** but that’s okay, I’ll try anything to make people like me. Plus, I’m trying not go into a tailspin of angst that he questioned my gender and be reasonable that he probably just wants to know about all the AWESOME things I do in this lovely little town.

So whatdaya think folks? Should i take this blog on the road? Dare I actually leave my house and see what mischief I can get into at the farmers market? LIve blog the panic that ensues at Petsmart when my dog (a nervous crapper) decides to take the only dump of his life, in the middle isle, right in front of the “try our new brand of dog food” display? There was also that one time where I nearly met my perilous end at Woodward Park when I had a showdown with an evil cannibal goose! How about I amuse you with my tale of woe from the TOO FAST checkout lady at the Vons at Cedar/Shepard who’s pin code to log into her cash register is NO SHORTER than 100 digits. I like to pretend she’s memorized Pi (π)...

3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993
751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421
170679821480865132823066470938446095505822317253
594081284811174502841027019385211055596446229489
549303819644288109756659334461284756482337867831
652712019091456485669234603486104543266482133936
072602491412737245870066063155881748815209209628
292540917153643678925903600113305305488204665213
841469519415116094330572703657595919530921861173
819326117931051185480744623799627495673518857527
248912279381830119491298336733624406566430860213
949463952247371907021798609437027705392171762931
767523846748184676694051320005681271452635608277
857713427577896091736371787214684409012249534301
465495853710507922796892589235420199561121290219
608640344181598136297747713099605187072113499999
983729780499510597317328160963185950244594553469
083026425223082533446850352619311881710100031378
387528865875332083814206171776691473035982534904
287554687311595628638823537875937519577818577805
321712268066130019278766111959092164201989 (It goes on)

That’s a long ass number to which her register cannot process quickly - okay I got sidetracked and this is quite the traumatic story...

Plus, I fear there is representation “South of Sunnyside” and WAAY too many Tower loving elitists straight South, but who’s going to represent the NORTH SIDE? Us vain, shopoholic, trophy wives need to have a voice, don’t we? Well, not that I’m married, but I have manicure and tanning plans which are sure to snag me a man!

City bloggin’ here I come!




*I say friend lightly as we wouldn’t recognize each other on the streets. Well one look at my blog and he might recognize ME, but only because I’ve got pictures of myself everywhere.

** Yes, I know this doesn’t make any sense since my main identity -MY LIKENESS- is plastered all over the place. Please don’t steal me! Actually, in preparing for my inevitable abduction I’ve systematically taken pictures of myself in every possible pose and hair color like those missing children things where they computer analyze bone structure and determine what you would look like in 20 years or if you were trying to disguise yourself. HA FOOLED YOU! Now you know. Oh wait, or is it fooled me because I was the one trying to hide. Damn it!

If bibles were beers and life were one giant party...

Boy oh boy would we have some awkward stories to tell LOL. Actually, this is quite possibly the most perfect illustration of what I feel my current experience is. Some would say it's sacrilege to speak of such things on Easter Sunday. I say it's more like the universes cruel joke on me, but whatever.

I enjoy a good adult beverage now and then, okay probably more now than then, but anyways. I'd say my experience has been that I can have a good time almost anywhere and don't need a drink to tell stupid jokes, laugh really hard, or do whatever else people do while drinking. For whatever reason though, every once in a while I don't feel like drinking. Still having that invite to a party or a gathering or even a bar, I'll go - happy to be out and to see my friends - ready for good jokes and catching up and lots of laughs and even a little gossip, I often find my conversation goes a little like this:

Do you want a drink? Where's your drink? Hey, what are you drinking? Marisa, can I get you a drink? Somebody get this girl a drink!! OH LOOK EVERYONE, Marisa isn't drinking... Are you not drinking for a reason? It's just one drink, shoot you can have just one!! I'll be right back, let me get you a drink! Marisa, where's your drink?

That's about the time I step aside and go get a glass of cranberry juice or Red Bull.

What is it about me not having a goddamn drink that makes everyone so uncomfortable? Why does me holding this fake drink suddenly make it ok? Now let's get this party started! Then we talk and we share and we laugh and the night moves right along and everyone is happy - even me!

SO, if bibles were beers and life were one giant party, I would be the one making you want to crawl out of your skin. Why is my participation so necessary for your experience to be pleasurable? It's not like you can't still talk about it, share with me stuff, and tell me what makes you happy or inspired.

For the majority though, it seems spirituality is no longer a personal journey. We must beat down every door and pound the pavement and rove the bus stations and laundromats and leave no one behind! Okay, I'm in, sign me up... Wait, what?! There's MORE invasive questions? Now it's not even good enough to do that. Suddenly you feel entitled to know all my inner workings... the why. It's not that you want to know why, but so that you can change it once you do find out. It's not even okay for us to do the exact same thing, I also have to do it for the exact same reasons as you?

I'm fighting a losing battle here.

Can't everyone just be okay doing what they do? I don't eat meat, but I don't need you to stop for me to be happy. I honestly am so happy with my iPhone and think the world would be a better place if you all had one, but in reality you don't. Okay... AND? Does that make me enjoy mine less? No! Does that make me uncomfortable? No!

I just want to be left alone. I want time for these wounds to heal. I don't want to play this game anymore. I just want to be real and be accepted for who I am, yet no matter what I do, I can't please everyone. I think everyone should quit putting the weight of their happiness and fulfillment in my hands then because I am going to disappoint you. Sigh.

I'm seeing RED!

And you will be too! I'm so excited! I got my hair did!

LOOK!

I feel alive again! I know I had this whole game plan for dying my hair brown to last longer between visits, but it's ONLY a global recession - I overreacted!

I looked ok with blonde and brown hair, but I felt average. If you remember my "Hair Adventures" post from before, you will realize I'm not afraid to do anything and like to switch it up OFTEN!

Hell, why beat around the bush, I have a vibrant personality and think my hair should match! Either that or it's like natures way of warning you that I'm TROUBLE - STAY AWAY! I'll let you decide that :)

------------------
Now, because life is all in the little details and I was feeling catty and also happened to have my camera on me - this is a prime example of what NOT to do to your hair. I can barely beweave* she goes out in public like this.


*Yes, Yes I did... I went there AND I laughed maniacally as I did it too. BWUA HA HA !

I'm famous! But totally not for what I want to be famous for!

Google Analytics doesn't lie. You guys are fucked up. Lately I've become a total stats junky and now I have proof that all four of you readers are sick. Sick sick sick sick SICK!

I looked up keywords and here are a few of my favorites. It's so sad that I know exactly what posts these refer to too!

fisting ((The Bloggess would be so proud! - not that she even knows I exist))
reverse anorexia in women
vegetarian shooting
what does heroin taste like?

Actually, these aren't that great, but I'm half assing it today because I have a lot of work to do! Plus, I have something to go to at 7pm and then a roomie dinner at 8:30 and tomorrow I'm getting my hair done and then the 'rents and I are heading out to Magic Mountain! I'm so excited!!!

PS - yesterday I ate another Chocodile. Here is proof that these things go straight to your hips :(

This is actually motivating. My roomies and I have a trip to Vegas planned and it's time to get serious and slim down so we can be Vegas ready! We've plastered our fridge with Victoria's Secret models and soon we're going to spend an afternoon weeping and beating our chests in lamentation and there will be much gnashing of teeth and dry heaves trying on bathing suits to prep for summer! I can't wait!

Raccoons and Strippers turn out to be oddly similar

I’d like you to look at me. Look up at the top of this blog, maybe to the side, okay, even look below this post... WAIT, Oh my god, how many freakin’ pictures do I have of myself on this blog?? Apparently I should add narcissism to my list of afflictions - geeeezzzzuuussss!

Okay, ANYWAYS, back to me - LOOK AT ME! What you see folks is the the ugly face of addiction! Besides having an addictive personality (Actually, 2 random people have described me recently as “infectious” {in keeping with my narcissistic ways} which I obviously took as a compliment) I am also, quite possibly, addicted to every other possible thing you can be addicted to. To some who read this, that will come across as a rather extreme statement, lest you keep reading and discover I’m also addicted to exaggerating. How can I live larger than life unless I lie, right?

Honestly I believe the government is conspiring against me! There are some things in this life I just cannot live with out.
1) Chapstick
2) Lotion
3) Q-Tips

As I vegetarian, I find beef jerky to be exceptionally unattractive. One hour without one of the above listed products and I shrivel up and age at least 50 years. Okay, that was an exaggeration, my apologies - 30 years... I would age AT LEAST 30 years. Still you skoff? From my stationary chair, I offer you this picture of the lotion/chapsticks I have within an arms reach. And since my roommate Melissa lovingly refers to me as T-rex, that’s like 2 feet max - SERIOUSLY... I’m just sayin’...

Since I’m trying not to be a sensationalist, that HONESTLY was what I found in my desk here at work!

Here’s a new one that’s just starting to rear it’s shiny head - GLITTER. I am totally addicted to glitter. I love looking at sparkly stuff, so much so that now I apply shimmery eye shadow, glitter eye liner, and a glitter liquid liner to my eyes. I have the prettiest eyes if I do say so to my vainglorious self. Truth be told, as the day wears on, the glitter works its way onto my eye lashes and into my eyes and down my face so that by 5 pm all I see is sparkles and shimmers and shooting stars. I live in a prism of glitter reverb that would rival the best LCD trip you’ve ever had. A day seeing through my eyes is probably like being trapped inside a Pink Floyd video. Except, I just googled Pink Floyd videos on youtube - being as I was born in 1978 - and NOW THEY TELL ME they didn’t even have music videos back then - what the fuck!? The few I did watch were of like his concerts and they seemed pretty trippy and you know what? Whatever! Just hum to yourself “Hello Hellooo, is there anybody. out. there. ??” You get the point. It’s a lot of fucking glitter okay - that’s the point!

Hell, I’ve got so much stuff going on that I shouldn’t even be driving. I ran into an old friend at Target 2 weeks ago and she made reference to me resembling a raccoon. I didn’t really understand that analogy since I thought moths were attracted to shiny stuff and raccoons were more garbage bandits of the rodent variety, but then again, you can’t be a true junkie unless you’ve got yourself all hopped up and dug through the trash for dinner right? Soooo maybe she’s right? Actually, the more I think about it, strippers and raccoons have a lot in common. Of course, I haven’t perfected the titty glitter thing just yet - I’ve mostly wanted to be feminist **HEY BUDDY, eyes up here okay?!** but I’m only a year into this and as my tolerance grows I’ll be hittin’ the harder stuff soon enough. GIVE IT TIME PEOPLE!

I think I’m also addicted to smell though. NO, I don’t want to smell you - I’m full of self-love remember? Unfortunately, after about 15 different products (Body wash, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, lotion, perfume, perfumed lotion, hair smoother, hair spray, and more!) I fear I smell like a $3 french whore up in this bitch! Actually, I think the original saying was a $2 french whore, but with the economy right now and the fact that all those products are expensive, I’ve taken the liberty of raising the price a dollar! OH OH, you know what?!?!?! I even have scented body glitter! Can you say OMG!?

By the way, what the hell is a velvet tuberose and why do I always pronounce it turbose? (That's the bath & body lotion scent I prefer) Like I think I want to smell like a large but very fast woman? Like you know, turbo, but the OSE part denotes largeness... Everyone knows this, must I explain every. thing. to. you? Sigh.

Alright people, my 3 o'clock break is over and we're a little less than an hour away from 5 pm's impending disco fever revival, so I gotta go!

As a side not, if this means anything to you - you will know how funny it is.
People that eat chicken feet can’t get diabetes. Say goodbye.

Two fisting it!

No I didn't buy these, someone bought them for me!


No I didn't eat them both on the same day - I saved one for the next day!


Everyone has a vice right? Mine just happens to be Mtn Dew & tasty Chocolate Glazed sponge cake w/ creamy filling! MMMMM

It's not...

_______________________

You fill in the blank.

I often ask myself what it "is" and I'm unable to answer. I don't know what it is. In fact, I don't much of anything at all. Here's what I do know.

It's not... easy.
It's not... easy to be me.
It's not... simple.
It's not... endearing.
It's not... pleasant.
It's not... admirable.
It's not... ever going to change.
It's not... even close to being over.

What is "it" ???

_______________________

Again, You fill in the blank. It's late and I'm tired and I've had a long day. I'm unable to formulate the words it would take to truly capture it.

Cool Nerd - OH YEAH

Sometimes thoughts just come to me & I scribble them down & then nothing happens - like this tidbit I apparently wrote 3 weeks ago, but don’t even remember. I believe there is a missing segue somewhere in there between nerds/technology and growing a garden to make it through armageddon. (WTF?) I chuckled - it’s the last paragraph that got me! SO RANDOM!
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Things I do that make me a nerd:

1) Point out all Apple products whenever I see one.
2) Get really upset when TV shows use the “COOL” looking Macs, but block the Apple or portray that a Dell runs the better looking OS X. #FAIL
3) Use the word #FAIL
4) Reference all of my information sources as coming from the internet. “I heard Michelle is in Disneyland” means I saw her MySpace status told me that. Haven’t actually talked to Michelle! Or “People have been saying there’s a new sports bar downtown” means I saw on someones Twitter stream about it. I haven’t talked to anyone or seen the news or read the newspaper in years.
5) Use the internet or my iPhone to check facts or spelling or history in the middle of a debate. Especially if this debate is not happening face to face (Although I usually fess up that I cheated after being declared the winner... USUALLY...)

Here’s my point... Why do we always insist on doing everything the hard way when technology is here to help you? Seriously?

Old school clocks, math, and stick shift cars are taking the blunt of my wrath right now.

Its not like I am inept. I could grow a garden too, but seems a bit easier to go to the grocery store than be out back sweating and harvesting the land. Armageddon is already coming, I’ll rest up until then, thank you!