Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The struggle

I hate the gym. People say "have fun at the gym" to me when I leave work. WHO HAS FUN AT THE GYM? I'm only doing half an hour a day (5 days a week) right now of cardio. That's anything from eliptical to running as much as 4 miles. If I don't meet my fitness goals, I have in my head I need to increase my time to one hour a day. OMG. That's stupid. It's no wonder people just DON'T do that business.

It's like all those hours I waste trying on clothes and crying alone in the dressing rooms wondering why god cursed me with such a deformed body so that I realize why other people just dress really shitty - because looking good and finding clothes that fit your body is painful and awful.

I hope all this work pays off. I seems like I'm just sitting in my house, but in reality I'm at my limit. I'm working. I'm experiencing THE STRUGGLE.

Last week I learned that everyone at my work is watching my cooking show. I can only imagine they've now found this blog too. Am I that interesting? I really just want to disappear. I don't want to, but I want to. I'm such a contradiction. I hate people judging me, yet I put all my thoughts out on the internet. I want to just fade away, yet I want everyone to know and like me and to leave a legacy of SOMETHING.


Carry on.


Mintzworks March 10, 2010 at 1:53 AM  

I think you're delightful.

I also think you're not.

I know you're absolutely beautiful with a great body.

I think you're crazy in the head in some ways, and superior to most others.

I think you're an intellectual, a wit, a catch, and supremely interesting.

I like judging you in the above ways.

But I don't like how this hasn't led to anything close to a friendship or even a meeting.

But I do like that it hasn't led to those things because I'm quite certain you would judge me poorly. Because using our judgment of people is what guides our entire social atmosphere - and it protects us, leads us, and helps us through life.

Judge away, and ye, too, shall be judged.

Just trust that we're judging you favorably, because we are. I know I am. Especially when you post about everything, including the natural desire to want to fade away.

Really, Marisa, the only thing truly unattractive about you is the horrible negative judge you have in your brain, the one who always tells you about your deformed body or your looks or your anything. I wish that judge would go away. That's the most harmful judge you have going...as for the rest of us, certainly for me?

I think you're terrific, based solely on your blogs, your writing, your photos, your humor, your funtimes, sadtimes, and lonelytimes. Mostly because you are brave enough to know how much blogging your life helps.

And also because you have that amazing smile, with the one eyebrow and the upturned corner of your lips.

See? Positive judgements are good.

Now make that nasty asshole judge in your brain take a hike. She's not necessary any more.

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