Monday, September 22, 2008

So much more to learn

Ever wonder how much MORE there is to figure out? I'm just starting to realize there is A LOT more...

This last week has led me to realize I'm not anywhere ready to step foot in the public. I just don't know what to do. I've had the revelation that I am the source of uncomfortable tension for others. Whether it's friends, lovers, or family - I'm the one that causes them to mutter 'fuck... What do I do with her?".

This sucks...

There is SOO much going on in my life. Some which I'll talk about, some which I won't. I still have so many hang ups too. Religion is really working on me right now. I don't know what to do. All i know is at this point, I'm avoiding the whole thing. Acceptance is my primary concern, and based on my past experiences organized religion doesn't offer anything close to that to me. It offers structure and rules and a support group of policers to make sure you stay within the confines of that structure. But step outside of that support and that acceptance, that love, is gone!

So I sit here surrounded by people who say everything I want to hear. 'we love you' 'we're so glad to see you' 'we want to know everything about you' 'how can we help' it goes on... But I don't believe them. I want to, but it brings tears to my eyes even as I type this. My flight instinct is hard to ignore right now. I want to go where no one knows me. I want to go where no expectations are placed on me. It just seems so easy to just walk away.

Yet all that is my fault. I put myself back in this predicament for the love of my family, my brother. Unfortunately, it feels as good to be back as it does hurt to be back. I had no way of knowing what would happen after I opened pandoras box.

So, now here I am. I cringe at even the word 'bible'. Yet for hours on end each week I smile and show up for meetings and bible study so that everyone else feels good about their place in this world. (and I'm not even participating at half what I should) Little do they know the price I'm paying on the inside. It is a fire storm of torment in my stomach. In my heart. I clinch my teeth and pinch the inside of my arm until it bruises to keep from screaming out. To keep the smile on my face. To keep the anger and the tears inside.

They must see the strain in the back of my eyes. The lump in my throat. Yet they hug me. They touch my hair. They compliment. They 'encourage'. I want to run and never look back. However, I don't want to be the person filled with negativity and hate and anger. I don't want to crush their souls and take from them what they've taken from me. So I simply smile.

You know what's the worst? That I fear this is just me. The entire world derives comfort from these things. Faith. Strength. Hope from these things. So here I claim I want to be a good person. A balanced person. A well rounded accepting open happy loving person. So how long do I sit in my house until I can truly be around people and be all those things when this huge area of their lives comes up?

I hear what some of u say. 'it's not this way' 'we've never had experiences like that' 'the bible teaches love and acceptance at it's core and anything different is a misinterpretation' okay - I hear you. But it doesn't change where I am right now. What I've committed to. Ugh!

And in essence, I think I'm a very spiritual person. I think it's all just a matter of language. When I get up in the morning and 'set my intention' many of you would call that prayer. When I'm at a loss for words and I plead to the 'universe' or 'mother earth' you could substitute the words god or jesus. When i try to live a good life and be a good person its the same as you... So why do I have to say its because of the bible? Why does whatever brings you comfort have to bring me the same? Can't it be different? Or is it me? Am I resisting something I shouldn't? Usually when I have such a strong and adverse reaction to something it's me that's out of line. Sigh.


Want the real truth? I'm so tired. I'm so Empty. How do i fix this or fix myself or change my thinking? How can I give what I don't have? How do I recharge? I can't get away from the constant drain. I don't even know how to be a friend. I just work and I 'maintain'... But I fantasize about just walking out the door and never coming back. I'm lonely, but I'm already alone.

I just want you:
To like me.
To be nice to me.
To want me around.
To choose me.
To stay...
Yeah, but I've heard it all before...

So maybe it goes a little deeper than just religion. The distrust came from my religious experience, but the despair... That's all me. Ha!

I just sat next to a priest with his beads and hand movements and robes and his bible in Latin. I'm uncomfortable.

I have a SCREAMING baby behind me which is easily heard over my iPod. I'm tired.

I'm sitting in a row of chairs right now. All empty. Did I mention the whole row is EMPTY? Why does this lady sit down right next to me? She's RIGHT here. I'm touching her with my elbow. I'm beyond tense.

Does no one see? I don't have the energy to deal with this. I don't want to walk... I want to run...

Mother earth, Can't it just work out? Hey YOU, Can't you just choose me? And YOU, Can't you just enjoy my presence and not try to change me? And can't you over there just be real. Why is it all so hard?

I haven't left yet. My stuff is packed but I'm going to try it for one more day. Maybe tomorrow will be better...

-------------
UPDATE
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Tonight I'm going to my parents. My brother and his wife are in town from New York. You know, that brother who I haven't spoken to in 4 years. (Even after I've been reinstated...) That brother whose wedding I wasn't invited to. That brother who lives and works at the religious organization headquarters that's caused me so much tribulation. That brother... Can't wait to go and get "hugs" and "happiness" and "love" from someone who doesn't give a shit about me. We'll laugh and we'll smile and he'll ask "So how have you been?" and I'll say "Fine"... {I'll wonder how I summarize 4 years of emotional hell into one word} We'll eat dinner and talk about how god is good. {I'll throw up a little bit in my mouth and pinch myself to hold back the bitterness I have inside} We'll tell stories from our childhood. {I'll feel like I don't even know him and decide I don't want to.} Time to go and play nice. {Time to take that valium I have hidden in my jewelry box}

Tell me again why I shouldn't just walk away?

2 comments:

cIII September 25, 2008 at 10:18 AM  

Join me at the Church of Evangelical Agnosticism.
-We Know that We don't Know. And that's Cool.

justme October 7, 2008 at 1:27 PM  

I stumbled upon your blog from ciii's blog which I stumbled upon from someone else's blog, and so I have only read your two most recent posts, but I had to say that this struck me:

""I think it's all just a matter of language. When I get up in the morning and 'set my intention' many of you would call that prayer. When I'm at a loss for words and I plead to the 'universe' or 'mother earth' you could substitute the words god or jesus. When i try to live a good life and be a good person its the same as you... So why do I have to say its because of the bible? Why does whatever brings you comfort have to bring me the same? Can't it be different? Or is it me? Am I resisting something I shouldn't? Usually when I have such a strong and adverse reaction to something it's me that's out of line. Sigh.""

You are right; it IS just a matter of language...You are absolutely right that what one may call 'praying' is no different, really, than what I am doing when I meditate or when you 'set your intentions'. When you call out to to the energies of the Universe and Mother Earth for help, you are right, they are to you what God is to some. And that IS okay. It may not be okay to some, but that should be THEIR worry, not yours or mine.

I have also always wondered why it matters so much to some that others believe differently. What does it matter to them, wouldn't it just mean more space in their 'heaven' for them? I think your most recent post on fear is probably dead on.

Interesting. Religion is something I have been struggling with for some time and like you, as it seems, my family doesn't really know the full extent of my journey away from that on which I was raised. I look forward to checking your blog out further...

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