Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Funny how the mind works...

Don’t you find it fascinating how the mind works? How it’s trained to think certain ways and to react to things a certain way? I shouldn’t say “it’s trained”... I should say how “WE” train it or our experiences train it. And then they say your brain forms an actual pathway to those thoughts/emotions/reactions sort of like a river. This makes it even harder to CHANGE yourself, your thoughts, your reactions because you start to fight against deeply ingrained grooves in your brain - literally!

Well, let me tell you - that sucks! Sorry, it just does. That’s a lot of work. Of course, I never have conversations like this unless I have a story/reason behind it. As you know, I have some “issues” with religion and anything related to it (ie: the bible, jesus, prayer, etc) In sticking with my usual counterphobic ways, last night I attended a “holy yoga” class (one based on biblical poses instead of the regular) I mostly went because my early morning ones were cancelled and I’m trying to get at least 4 days of classes in per week. I also partly went because the girl who teaches the class is cool and I didn’t think it would be that threatening. (It probably wasn’t the best idea as I had a quite traumatic doctors appt that morning and wasn’t really fit to do exercise OR participate in some sort of group activity.)

So anyways, as I’m sitting there - my brain just TAKES OFF. Like literally a MILLION miles a minute. Everything I’ve ever “learned” is flashing before my eyes. And then the mental battle begins because what I’m thinking is 1) not what i believe and 2) doesn’t really matter because my participation in this can simply be for exercise and doesn’t have to have ANYTHING to do with religion. That does make my Knee Jerk reaction any easier though :( Here’s what it’s like to be in my brain:

OMG, is a woman leading a group in prayer? That’s not good... What does it matter though? I don’t care if women pray... I don’t even pray. Why am I bothered by that? UGH, i don’t want to hear these bible scriptures. I don’t even know if I believe in the bible. Are all these people here really into this just because it’s scriptural? Why does religion have such a hold on people? Why does this bring people peace but not me? Why did I come here? Why shouldn’t I? No one is doing anything to me, I’m in fucking cow pose, like that has anything to do w/ Jesus. Did she just say child of god pose? Do i want to be a child of god? Does my participation in this mean I’m somehow making a statement as to my acceptance of this? Why did I come here again? I don’t agree with any of this. Am I ok to just sit here in MOCK prayer pose while someone else is praying as long as I don’t say “Amen” that doesn’t mean I agree, right? aaaahhhhhhhhhh

As you can see, if you read that really really fast over and over again, it’s hard to be me :( How would I ever fix that sort of reaction? Or do I need to? Or should I just keep separate from those types of situations because they are full of futility for me? I think it’s just because my “situation” with religion isn’t resolved yet.

So anyways, I’ve walked away and come back and re-read that and it seems like a WHOLE lotta drama. I think I’ve said too much as it is and I’ll just leave it alone now. Whatcha think?

Awesome! Have a good day!


Zinnia February 9, 2007 at 6:48 AM  

I don't know what to think. I haven't had my first cup of coffee yet this morning, lol...

Pam Skochinski February 15, 2007 at 3:45 PM  

Your reaction reminds me of me one time.

When we first moved into our house, my neighbor invited us to go to church with her. How bad could that be? Right. I go to church -- and church is church. . . right?

Well, when everyone started dancing, singing, waving their arms in the air and the guy next to me was shaking and moaning and seeming to have a grand mal seizure -- I think that same voice was shrieking in my head too!

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