I don't want to do this anymore

Yeah... That about sums it up. Everything sucks. And I can't even tell you if I'm unbelievably sad. Really lonely. Or I just don't care anymore.

Spare me the speech where you say... "Oh My Gosh Marisa, You're so smart and pretty and successful... everything will be fine" UGH

I'm numb.

I'm sure things will pass. It's only been 1 week since grandma died... Did I mention grandpa was given today to live... so boy should tomorrow be exciting. Can't wait to attend another barbaric funeral.

I really don't want to care tomorrow. I don't want to "need" anymore.... to worry anymore. Not that these leave much to be desired in an average life. I'm home alone today. It sucks and yet i could care less. I feel trapped in the quit center of a storm. Like there is nothing, no sound...

So before I just rant out things that are mean and stupid and defetist, I'll simply write lyrics from my new favorite song:

Beth Hart
Hidden Track after ..13 - Screaming For My Supper

Violence, here them play
On the Fence, where I lay
It's where I live
Tumble down to the ground
Watch it flash
Not a sound, there's no sound

And he says, that it don't matter to me
He'll say, that all this love is for free
He said, it don't matter to me, it don't matter to me

Take me down, unconsciousness
Hold me now, decadence
Lay me out in your house of sin
Take me down...
...There's no sound

House of sin, somebody sinned
Tumbled down onto my knees
Watch it burn, hold your screams
Somebody sinned

He said nothing to me
That all this war is for free
He said, it ain't nothing to me and i would never agree
So take me now, unconsciousness
Hold me now, decadence
Lay me in your house of sin
Take me down

THERE'S NO SOUND !!!
THERE'S NO SOUND !!!

YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS IS FUCKING WEAK!
Violence screaming at your feet
You're sowing every time you speak

----------------------------

Good night everyone.

Melancholy and my infinite sadness

Sounds dramatic doesn't it? Well it is, so if you want to keep pretending that I'm just happy go lucky all the time, stop reading now.

On this rollercoaster of life, I've found myself in a downward spin. I wish I had the courage to just kill myself and not have to worry anymore, but the eternal optimist in me says tomorrow will be better. It's tomorrow... It's the day after tomorrow... It's still not better...

I just returned from my grandma's funeral. You know, the grandma who hasn't spoken to me in 2 years. The grandma who put religion before family and considered me the... what am I saying? She didn't "consider me" at all. I wasn't even welcome at the hospital to say goodbye. Yeah that grandma... the sweet little old lady that was so affectionately called "Dear Dear" by all that knew her.

As I walk into the hall where 562 people arrive to pay their respect, I'm not allowed to speak to anyone. I am angry, yet i find myself crying. Crying, not for the grandma who didn't care, but for myself. For myself as I see a SEA OF PEOPLE all hugging and "supporting" each other, but not me. Marisa, once again, has to be strong for herself. As I look at my sister who hasn't so much as glanced in my direction for over 2 years, and my brother sitting with his new wife that I was so diplomatically not invited to the wedding. THEY smile, THEY get hugs, THEY get support... THEY are ok. But not me. I will forever wear this scarlet letter. The one that lets everyone know what a wreched whore I am. What a defective reject I am.

It hurts... I HURT...

THEY are all on their way to a huge dinner/gala event. 561 of them were invited. Not me. I was sent home, told to LEAVE. It would be inappropriate for me to "sociallize" OF COURSE. For those of you who have talked to me, you would know my WORST fear in life is for someone to not like me... HMPF... Talk about living your nightmare.

I will never be the same from the experience of these last 2 years. So alone. So unworthy. Marked. How can they do this to someone? Yes, I've made mistakes. Yes, I OWN THEM. I LIVE THEM... But I can't take them back. 2 years - TWO YEARS. Where I gave up everything I knew, my husband, my house, my dogs, my friends, my family and I'm still not forgiven. This from the people who said these "displinary actions" were out of love. A loving reproof to HELP ME see the errors of my ways and return to the right path. Well, if embarassment and rejection and shame is a "loving reproof" then consider me reproved.

So I'm that girl. The sad girl who sits in her house. The wierd girl who cuts herself and cries herself to sleep at night. And why go outside? So that I can spend my evening avoiding the 6.5 millions Witnesses out there who aren't allowed to utter so much as a "hello" to me? I didn't know I was THAT GIRL. You know, the one who is so powerful that simply speaking a greeting to me is enough to cripple your whole faith in god. Be warned...

I have some friends. They say "Call me if you need to talk..." Talk about what? About all the things that I can't do anything about? About all the things no one else could understand unless they had truly walked in my shoes?

I have no friends. All I have is distractions. I don't know anyone like me. I know cool people with husbands, kids, busy lives, things to live for, look forward to. And so I sit here in this house... I work... I work some more. I feed the dog. That about covers it.

So I'm home, home alone, again. And I've lost interest in this subject. It's saturday night, but no ones calling. And I don't know if I want them to. I have work to do. I have some shelves to put together in the garage to store some work decorations on.

Take care all. I'll be fine. I always am.

Now I will continue my rant...

Ok, it is now after 1am and I'm ready to finish my thoughts from before.

I had a discussion today with my friend Anthony who says I need to learn to "move past" flaws in movies to see the good points. Of course, this to me is just saying, if there are FLAWS I can't look past. then it's NOT a good movie. Like War of the Worlds. I'm just saying (and if you like it let me know, cuz this just could affect our friendship) which of you were watching it and saw the earth, THE ACTUAL EARTH SPLIT APART into vast chasms of alien terror... could make sense of WHY the crowd was so mesmerized as to walk forward and say, "Golly gee, i wonder what's down there in that big ole hole?" I couldn't "move past" it. The whole rest of the movie, all I could think was, people don't act this way. Who does that? That is SO stupid. To defy the very base of human nature. Of course, then end would only have been less stupifyingly brutal if had pulled my own shoe off and beat myself in the head.

(Warning this next one is a sensitive subject) And yes, I know this movie was VERY popular and apparently you all have known the story from birth and it just "IS" sensible to you, BUT SINCE WHEN are you in a labratory that experiments on spiders and one gets loose and BITES YOU... DO YOU NOT GO TO THE HOSPITAL? Obviously you all are FOND of Spiderman. I'm just saying, I couldn't move past it. I had apparently not learned the story in my blessed 20+ years and was flabergasted when the man goes home and he's got shit spewing out his wrists and he's writhing around in pain and HE DOESN'T GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM? That was the stupidest movie EVER. I did NOT see the 2nd one.

Alright, it's 1:30am and now I'm tired. I feel better having that off my chest and will sleep soundly now.

Goodnight all!

Life Realizations and contradiction

So, I've been meaning to write for a while. Sorry for the delay.

Figured I'd cover a few things mentioned in my title.

Life:

Life is good.

Realizations:

1) I don't like leaving the house. I mean, I do... but now that I work from home, leaving the house leaves me a nervous wreck. I just attempted to take someone across town at 5:00. Rush hour traffic in the dark. I've experienced everything from panic and extreme nausea to burning anger. I have arrived home and I am just a mess. The crazy idiots out on the road driving their raised F350 dually's who blind my low riding sports cars rearview mirror, then pass me on the RIGHT SIDE of the street, only to be trapped in front of me so that I am incapable of seeing over or around ANYTHING while they speed up to 50 and then slam on their breaks is more than my little hermit heart can handle. I am seriously shaken.

On a lighter note...

2) I have a serious shoe thing. For all these years that I denied my girly side. Now that I'm coming into my own, I really really have a love for expensive shoes. I just enjoy looking at them. Touching em. Trying them on. I mean, do i even need to mention "PURCHASING" them? It's not like a sex equivalent or anything, but seriously, I went to the mall the other day. And I just LOST MY MIND. I had been eyeing this pair of "Coach" Whitney D'Orsay pumps, and I just said, screw it. I BOUGHT THEM! It was like a shot of heroin (assuming that's a pretty good high since i've never tried heroin) I haven't even worn them yet, but i just open the closet and look at them. Oh my god, do I love them SO MUCH! I am just making my pledge now to not sell myself cheap at Ross anymore. I always shop at the cheap places trying to pull together an expensive look on a paupers budget and I'm just quiting that! I'd rather have 1 pair of $220 shoes that will always look good and last forever than 10 pairs of $20 shoes that hurt my feet, look cheap and break after a few months.

Contradictions:

So there, I've said it. I like expensive things. I REALLY like expensive shoes. And I've been reading a lot of hate blogs about women. How shallow they are. How they feel they wear a certain uniform. How much time and money they could save if they put their energy into learning instead of getting that brazillian wax.

Well, fuck it. Maybe it's the woman in me that takes whatever I read or hear or see and tries to apply it to myself, but I can't do that anymore. Yes, I wear thong underwear, get my nails done, have streaked hair, tan, and get waxed. Does that mean I'm some sort of wanna be porn star? Some superficial plastic whore with her designer bag and expensive shoes? NO...

I also own a $2,200 dog and drive a sports car and I have my tongue pierced and I have a tatoo. I'm sorry. I love my puppy. I love my car. I've had my tongue ring before all you posers (7+ years now) and my tattoo means a lot to me. And having my nails done makes me feel pretty. SO WHAT DO YOU CARE? But my lesson is life is this.

You just have to be ok with who you are. I'm not some fat goth chick who really wants attention by strapping my gynormous breasts into a leather bustier and making a scene. I'd like to think i'm somewhat modest. And people that get to know me will know that I am generous and grounded. That I recycle. That I'm a health conscious vegetarian. All I ever wanted to be was a domestic house wife. That I have some hippy tendencies in there. That I donate my time and energy to good causes. I can be nerdy. BUT that overall, you can't keep comparing yourselves to others to know that you are a good person.

You just have to be what you are, use reason and apply balance to your life and things will be ok. I am a contradiction. This vegetarian just spent over $200 on a pair of leather shoes. SO WHAT? I use canvas bags at the grocery store, but I REFUSE to turn the water off the whole time I'm brushing my teeth. SO WHAT? Maybe people like me annoy you. I don't know.

SO WHAT? I'm me. I like you... I hope you like me. It's taken me 27 years to say "I LIKE ME"... and I do.

Now I've gotta go give myself a pedicure. SEE YA! LOL

My Hate List

(This is the list that started it all...)
My Hate List... READ IT - It's FUNNY!

That being said, here's somethings I hate!


People who say 'holla at your boy'

Profiles that say 'I'm an open book' but say nothing ELSE about them

People who inspire acts of Road Rage!! Why would you drive slow in the fast lane? WHY? It is by nature

Microsoft Windows (Because MAC RULES!)

Target because their fucking icon is a dog, but they don't allow dogs inside!

McDonalds because they don't offer ANYTHING vegetarian and their website won't even allow you to send a comment (I NEED TO BE HEARD - how dare they refuse my right to give them my opinion!)

AT&T for selling to Cingular - the crappiest service ever called a SERVICE

Going to any eating establishment, asking for Mt Dew and having the waitress say "Sorry, we don't have Mt Dew, but we have Sprite!... SINCE WHEN does Sprite being in a fucking green bottle make it ANYWHERE NEAR Mt Dew? I HATE THAT!


People who can't accept that the potato is BY FAR the purest most versatile vegetable to ever grow from the ground!

People who say "Spank You Very Much" - I'm sorry, that's gay!

Someone has to say it... Carls Jr commercials. Are meat eaters and men really SO retarded that they can't even make their way in and out of a grocery store? And seriously, the dripping and the messiness... I am not in their demographic AT ALL!

THE MULLET! Now granted, I love to stare in FASCINATION at people who have them, but Jesus Christ, it's just not a good look FOR ANYONE!

People who insist on changing their cell phone ring tones in public. Just because YOU are bored while waiting for your waitress or a movie to start or whatever, DO NOT subject me to the constant noise pollution of your idiotic habit!

When you tell a waiter/waitress that you are a vegetarian in order to ask questions about the menu and they say... do you eat fish? Since when did a fish lose its classification as a living animal?

Bible beaters.... Seriously if your life has been so sheltered that all you have is a book to thump and a name to say OVER AND OVER AND OVER again and that actually offers you solutions and brings you comfort then GOOD FOR FUCKING YOU, but keep it to yourself, some of us have other things in this world and other ideas and we don't want or need you to keep repetively shoving it down our throats. When passing judgement, blackmail, fear, or shame become 2nd hand nature to you and seem like something NORMAL or good, then you need a wake up call that even i'm not qualified to give you! Enough said!

People who try to add you but never send you a message! How is this defined as "Friend?"

People who type in all caps. Are ya kiddin me? Its crazy talk - just plain crazy. I instantly know you aren't quite right in the head if I'm getting a letter or an email and it's in all CAPS.

People who perpetuate chain letters, urban legends, and stuff that's just STUPID! No, there's not blood in ketchup, needles in movie seats, or AIDS on shopping cart handles... NO, that's not the latest virus - or you would have heard about it on every news station on the planet... NNNOOO, forwarding that shit does not make something pop up on your screen, give you the answer to a joke, or make you money. Or did it just not work the last 200 times, but your willing to try it again? GOSH! Make the idiocy stop!

Women who don't know how to cook. My generation and those after me are in serious crisis