The fulfilling illusion of cleanlisness and my will to survive against nature...

hahahahaha - what a title eh? Let me explain (And just keep reading, I will bring it full circle)

Years and years ago, there was this show on PBS called "The 1800's House - and it was awesome. They basically did REAL reality TV and took people and put them in the old house and they had to live like it was 1800 with lye and coal and whatever was available at the time. I suppose they were weatlhy 1800's people cuz they had electricity and the first light bulbs and they had a maid, etc... but still - it was a cool show. The women wanted to die from the corsets and it was just a lot of work.

Well, one of the things on the show that stuck with me, was at the end. I guess, not only did they have to wash their clothes by hand, but they had to scrub with lye and amonia and vodka or whatever the original cleaners were. We're talking no lemon pledge here... No lemon ANYTHING! So after the show was over, one of the things the family was saying is how ASSAULTED with scents they were when they got out. There was lotion, and detergent, and cleaners, and pinesol and it was overwhelming.

Now, I have a house cleaner. And every other Thursday is a joyous day for me. I LOVE to come home and see the lines in the carpet and the pillows fluffed and new sheets on the bed, etc etc. However, in an effort to be more responsible and eco friendly I have recently made the conversion over to all natural cleaners. It's a decision I have made to help save the environment and also because I think those harsh chemicals can't be healthy to inhale all the time. HOWEVER, I have to say every other Thursday has lost some appeal. There is something to be said for opening your garage door and choking on the ever apparent smell of lemon and bleach. Now I walk through the house and I think - did she even come today? Well, the money on the table is gone - I guess so.... (FROWN) It's not like the house smells bad - it just doesn't smell at all. And I hate it. I want it to smell like lemons gosh darnit! The house could be MORE clean, but isn't it funny the illusion of cleanliness we are now obsessed with? Okay, so that's all I had to write about it. I just returned from the grocery store after resisting many isles of internal dialog to buy some 409 and Pledge and Pinesol and really get the house all scented up again - so I figured I had to write about it.

Now, all that being said - does anyone realize the fact that spiders are taking over the world. This is just like that Mimic movie where the cockroaches took over the world. LOL (Well, I haven't watched it in a while, but it was something like that) I'm not good with math here, but there was a black widow in my garage not smaller than my fist this afternoon that I had to kill.

Of course, it's been a while since I lived in the country and I got WD-40 confused with carborator cleaner (The best black widow killer ever) so really what I did is run into my garage and just really grease up and enrage a poisonous and terrifying creature! OMG. I got it though. And 3 others!!! I had to call in backup for the one under the keypad/gate entrance to my complex... But for a couple days things should be ok. That is unless the family of venomous death that lives under the threshold of my front door decides they want a piece of me. And I'm positive theres one living under my entertainment center, but I haven't quite determined if my heart is healthy enough to tackle those beasts yet. I'll keep you posted!

A disturbing epidemic!

Okay people, prepare yourself for this one because I plan on talking about some truly gnarly stuff here. I want to talk about advertising. Particularly commercials on TV.

There are some of you out there whom I’ve already covered this topic with in great detail, but I don’t think any action is being taken here and I NEED ANSWERS! I live in fear of the assault to my sensibilities that happens when I turn on the tube.

Here is the biggest offender. Toilet paper. Yeah, I said it - the days of “Squeezing the Charmin” are dead folks. Now we have whole families of bears taking a very difficult dump ON PRIME-TIME TV! We’re talking squinting, steam coming out the bears ear, and nothing more than a twig for a tree blocking his “business” with the whole family watching! REALLY?! The latest one is the momma bear chasing around the baby bear because he has little shreds of toilet paper stuck to his butt. Which one of you is using your toilet paper like it’s a Mr Clean Magic Erase bar on your “business” until it disintegrates? Apparently enough of you practically had to call for emergency assistance until the toilet paper industry as a whole had to respond with more “DURABLE” toilet paper.

OH
MY
GOD
!!!



On a very non-intellectual note, who doesn’t NEED toilet paper? Do we even have to advertise it? You WILL be going to the store and you WILL find the toilet paper isle and you WILL purchase it. And you can read labels and squeeze it and price check it, blah blah blah when you are there in front of it... But some of us watch TV while they eat dinner and I can’t take it anymore! I’ve seen every commercial from a dog pushing the toilet paper roll thru the house, to strange little people hand quilting my TP. I don’t like the thought of other people touching my toilet paper. They even had one for toilet paper with ridges on it for when you really have to dig in deep back there.

I can’t make this up. and... I... AM... HORRIFIED...!

I also have never made an escape rope out of tied together tampons in order to escape a party while wearing a head to toe all white outfit. Ummmm, WHAT?!? You also don’t need to advertise your Maxi-pads and end the commercial with “PERIOD” and a big red dot either. That’s just disgusting!

I can’t take it anymore... This is why I have TiVo! Because I may just do something drastic one day if I’m unable to escape the IN YOUR FACE advertising tactics of corporate america.

God Help Us All!

The 29th Verse

Tell me this isn’t just what I needed to read today. For those of you who don’t know, I’ve been on quite the spiritual journey lately. I don’t know. Maybe a journey for inner peace is a better way to word it. So I decided to read the “Tao Te Ching” because I do gravitate a bit towards eastern philosophies. The Tao has 81 simple verses of ancient and divine wisdom. Some are random and then some strike you right between the eyes. That’s what verse 29 did to me.

29th Verse

Do you think you can take over the universe and improve it?
I do not believe it can be done.

Everything under heaven is a sacred vessel and cannot be controlled.
Trying to control leads to ruin.
Trying to grasp, we lose.

Allow your life to unfold naturally.
Know that it too is a vessel of perfection.
Just as you breathe in and breathe out,
there is a time for being ahead
and a time for being behind;
a time for being in motion
and time for being at rest;
a time for being vigorous
and a time for being exhausted;
a time for being safe
and a time for being in danger.

To the sage all of life is a movement toward perfection,
so what need has he
for the excessive, the extravagant, or the extreme?


Tell me that isn’t the heaviest shit you’ve read in a while!!! I take that back, think about ME and then tell me that isn’t dead on everything I’m about. I am ALWAYS trying to take over the universe. To wrestle everything into my little hands. I want to control everything and everyone that comes into my personal space. I’m always desperately grasping at everything. I take no time to rest, I deny my exhaustion, and leave NOTHING to circumstance (or to unfold naturally) I’m 20 miles a minute and 20 years ahead trying to manipulate and plan the entire world. I think many people would say I am MUCH (Excessive) and that I swing from one side to the other like a pendulum (Extreme)

MY GOD - how did Lao-Tzu know me all those ages ago?

It doesn’t really give me an answer to any of this, but I think our true power lies in “awareness”. If there is even ONE MOMENT where I am aware that I am acting like the above and I can stop myself and spare myself the ulcer I must be growing inside from fighting such a monumental and apparently losing battle - then that is powerful.

What do you think? Does anyone even read these?

Universal Divine and Cosmic Sadness

WOW - heavy title huh? Sometimes I have to say it sucks to be a contradiction. I love the wide range of experiences and opportunity it brings, but that doesn't mean it's easy to be me...

I just have SO MUCH going on all the time. And I don't know how to stop it, control it, quiet it. I need to get back to my yoga classes, that much I know for sure.

So where do I even begin?

I sat for almost 45 minutes yesterday trying to absorb what I'm experiencing. Maybe trying to formulate words for it, but I'm not QUITE there yet! I don't know what sort of inner rebellion I have going on but it is raging strong within me. I think I slightly disrespect people who cannot simply just "be" - be still, be quiet, be ok - but upon further examination, I think I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I hate quiet. I find it irritating. Not only am I a talker, but I live for numbing my mind with a steady stream on conversation, music, and television. Having been out of town for some time now I have this INCREDIBLE urge to drown out my thoughts with inconsequential minutiae... So therefore I've decided to sit in silence! Really grate this out until I'm okay with it. I do that often apparently. My inner rebellion runs strong. Last month I refused to wear makeup for a full week because I sort of thought I enjoyed/needed makeup too much. So just to prove that I could do it, I didn't wear any!

So where does that leave us? I DON'T KNOW!!?!?

I had a conversation with a friend last night who asked me an interesting question. (interesting for those of you who appreciate music on a deeper level like we do) What song would I say "is Marisa"...? I couldn't answer. But I got on my iPod and started picking songs that spoke to me... and when I reviewed the collection it sort of hit me in the gut that there is a deep lonely desperate sadness that I carry around inside me :(

To be a contradiction is so hard. I often walk around filled with such great joy it's almost like I'm drugged. Yet, beneath the surface waits for me a sadness so cosmic it would bring a normal person to their knees, I'm sure of it.

So I think - what am I unfulfilled about? Really, I love my life, I love my job, I love my friends, I love my puppy dog, and I think I can even say I love my body, I love my age, I love my everything. But something is missing... Whats so funny is that what's missing is LOVE. I have love, but I need someone to love me. I really do need and want a partner. Someone to share all that love WITH!

That's what all those songs were about. I think for all the tender goodness that I have inside why doesn't that one piece of the puzzle finally fall into place?

I don't know. I just want to be happy that's all.

I don't want to write and write and write and talk about how my mommy left me and hurt me and how I'm divorced now and how my last boyfriend broke up with me. I don't want those few moments in time to define me. But how do you grieve for those moments that really do play a part in making you who you are now?

As usual, I never solve anything here - I just put it up here - hopefully to release it into the universe - let it go. (My fingers are crossed)

More Mars Truths

The things I would like to cover in this blog are:
1) I have the potential...
2) I am not slow...
3) Super America...

I have the potential!
Recently it seems I have been doing a lot of driving. And boy oh boy do people get on my nerves. All I want to do is drive. Drive FAST. Drive AT LEAST the speed limit for the love of god! Why we have to play these machismo games I will never know. Can't you just move aside and let me go? Or can't you just stay still and let me pass you? Why must you speed up, slow down, cut in front of me, brake check me and try to POLICE ME? So this is where I have potential...

Given the wrong combination of circumstances, I have the potential to lose my mind and drive right into the back of you and just push you right off the road. Some day I'm going to do it. I'm sure of it. Isn't that the "Fried Green Tomatoes" line? I'm older and I have more insurance... RIGHT? Watch out! Sadly I am NOT kidding.

I am not slow

So besides driving a lot, I also shop a lot. And not just clothes shopping. I shop for work, grocery shopping, errands - you just never know. But I'll tell you one thing I do know. I don't mess around. I am a list maker and a credit card user. I know how to shop the isles, load my cart, get the stuff thru check out, swipe my card, load back up and I'm out. I'm efficient and methodical. I am NOT slow.

SO WHY OH WHY are people always rushing me thru the check stand? I have waited so patiently while old biddies try to figure out how to write their checks or use the debit machine for the FIRST TIME. I have waited behind people with their drooling children and their checker running back and forth for prices or replacements or lost items. But every time I get in the god damned line there is some bitch behind me that is so up on my ass I might as well attach her shopping cart to my ass. I have literally had them bump me with their cart. Touch me with their body. Be close enough to smell my breath. There is NO NEED - let me repeat N O N E E D to ever do this to me. I AM NOT SLOW. Are there no social graces anymore? No 3 foot rule?

My personal space is very important to me. That being said, I'm very VERY AWARE when someone is in my space. I can't even control my face as my jaw drops and my eyes widen and I stare back at them mouth agape at the audacity that someone would actually bump me with their fucking cart FOR NO REASON AT ALL because I AM NOT SLOW!

Super America

I do seem to do a lot of traveling. As I cross over the country I sometimes think about California and how different it is from every other state. Where we have laws on top of laws. Where you can't smoke inside. Where you have to wear a bicycle helmet. Where we have such diversity! And not just in language or in people or in selection or food but even in terrain. I think of California and I think it is the greenest most fertile land you'll ever find. Hell, Fresno is KNOWN as the fruit basket of the world! Yet you drive across the sterile open plains of Minnesota and your breath is taken back by how GREEN it is. Everything looks like this!


I've never seen more green! I also notice how slow moving people are. How everyone looks and sounds the same! How there are limited options for everything. I don't like it. I also have these moments where I realize that these places aren't as free thinking and accepting as I would hope for either! Also, where are the toilet seat covers? Why do the gas stations not serve fountain drinks? How come everyone calls it "pop" here and not soda. It's like being in a foreign country!

Humor me for a second though. The most popular gas station here is the SUPERAMERICA! My God - what is this place?! It's fucking super though! It's like it's BETTER THAN AMERICA! Somehow - I know its a stretch, but SOMEHOW I fear this represents the close minded feverish judgment of the people 'round here.

Also, am I the only one that finds this ...
to be the biggest marketing error to happen in a long time. I drive by this place every morning and it makes me laugh. I finally had to take a picture. HA! In case you can't see it, it is called the "Kum and Go" and the cashier wears a Kum & Go tie and a Kum & Go shirt and it's on everything. Really???? It's SO funny!

Also, thank you to all who called or emailed me happy birthday. It really meant a lot to me. 30 is a big deal to some of us I guess. I think I'm doing okay actually. I wasn't ecstatic about having to wear tie dye on my birthday, but I couldn't imagine being around a better group of people. Seriously! They all got together and sang me happy birthday and I got the cutest musical card and a gift certificate to the apple store. Do they love me or what?

Also, as you know I love to read. I've got books backed up on the shelves I can't wait to get to. I'd say there are a couple books out there that are windows into my soul. If you really want to get to know me I have some "recommended reading" for you! 1st you can read "The Cult of Perfection" and learn about how I work inside and out. 2nd "eat, pray, love"... It's not so much a book I would say that a guy would enjoy reading, but if that 'said guy' wants to know everything there is to know about my brain heart and soul, then you might want to leaf thru those two books. :)