Are you really crazy?

Ever heard the question... do crazy people know they are crazy? I think I make perfect sense, but everyone I come in contact with still tells me I’m plain insane. I kinda like that name. Like instead of “She’s just a plain Jane.” they can say “She’s just plain insane.” Ha! See what I mean? I think I am crazy...

I don’t know how to explain the craziness in my head. The constant conversations. They dart and race around. Anyways, it doesn’t really matter. Even if I could figure it out, there would be no way to explain it to you.

I have a disconnect somewhere though. I feel like I’m in the eye of a tornado. or a black hole. or somewhere where time stands still and there isn’t much sound but that you can see the chaos just around the corner. It’s a strange place to be. I feel like I’m not really living though. Like I’m just going through the motions. I smile, I go to work, I go to yoga, I cook dinner... but it’s not real. I’m not doing a good job of explaining this am I?

Ok, know what it’s like? It’s like walking, but realizing you are walking at the bottom of the deep end in the pool. That’s not really walking is it? The muffled sounds. Can’t really see clearly. Certainly can’t catch your breath and it takes twice the effort to trudge thru. You can do the motion of walking but it’s in some weird buoyant slow motion. That’s what life is like right now. UGH... Needless to say I don’t like it!

Have you ever had a conversation that was so draining, you don’t think you’ll ever feel like talking again? Well, I just did. I’m still processing it. I can respect the sincerity, the honesty, and most certainly the intent - but somehow (at this exact second) I wonder if it can be true when I also know what you were doing just 8 hours before.

Bought 2 new CD’s yesterday. Check out these most awesome lyrics:

CHRISETTE MICHELE LYRICS

"Be Ok"
(feat. Will.I.Am)

Imma take my lexus to the mall
Get a little black dress just because
Me and my boo just broke it off
Imma be fly although hes gone
And i dont really care bout who he's with
Imma get mine and he'll get his
Even though i was in love with him,
I really hope the best for them

Every sentimental and my crying sacrimental
Tell me what i cant get into
I cant lose my mind
Think its time for me to let go
Cause my heart cant take it no more
You were all i lived for but i'll leave you behind

Imma be ok
Imma be ok
I'll survive, i'll be fine, i wont cry no way
Imma be ok
Imma be ok
Dont you talk, i'll move on, baby walk away

Imma keep my head up, hold it high
Really did my best i know you tried
Even though it hurts i will survive
I'll wipe my eyes, i'll stay alive
Take a deep breath and count to 10
Today's a new day i'll start again,
Imma find myself so deep within
Imma survivor i will win

Every sentimental and my crying sacrimental
Tell me what i cant get into
I cant lose my mind
Think its time for me to let go
Cause my heart cant take it no more
You were all i lived for but i'll leave you behind

Imma be ok
Imma be ok
I'll survive, i'll be fine, i wont cry no way
Imma be ok
Imma be ok
Dont you talk, i'll move on, baby walk away

Faux Negativity

I’m calling this entry Faux Negativity... I know I do a lot of negative writing although I would consider myself a very positive person. I think I’m just not motivated to write unless something very passionately moves me... Usually that is something that annoys me.

Today it is computers. I wish people knew more about them. It is SO frustrating to have to spend the majority of my day fixing other peoples problems. Not hard problems, dumb problems.

And everyones desktop is different and their operating system is different and the brand of printer they use is different and on and on and on. I use a mac, I don’t even have a windows PC to look at. I don’t know what program you are in or what strange thing you’ve downloaded off the internet...

Yet you call me, and call me, and call me... Like I magically know what’s wrong. I DON’T KNOW. WHY WOULD I KNOW? And I can’t see what you are looking at, I’ve never used the program you are talking about, I’ve never encountered the problem you are dealing with. Fixing a computer is all a process of elimination. Just common sense trouble shooting.

I don’t know if this is my way of calling people stupid... I guess it kinda is, and don’t worry I’ll get off my high horse soon!

I just want to know what is different about me where I get it? And NO ONE else does? (ok, maybe 2 or 3 also know) How can I work with 100 other people and I’m the ONLY one who can install a printer, or see another computer on the network, or create a backup of your files. Really? Only 1 out of 100 knows how to download stuff from your digital camera? 1 out of 100 can send an attachment in an email? 1 out of 100 could determine that your computer won’t turn on because you stepped on the fucking power bar under your desk and turned it off?

Sorry - I just REALLY hate tech support... and the TIME CONSUMING process of elimination. Because, honestly, I know as much as you do... I’m just not afraid to investigate, or push a couple buttons, or (R)ead (T)he (F)ucking (M)anual, or whatever.

UGH - makes me crazy... CRAZY... CRAAAZZZYYY! (Sing it like Gnarls Barkley!)

Gotta go, someone’s Kodak Easy Share isn’t working :| Is that just me or does it have “EASY” in the name. Sigh...

Don't be offended...

Can I just tell you something? And can you not take it personal?

This is probably no secret to most of you, but I pretty much despise children. No, not YOUR children!! Yours are little angels... :)

Let me tell you why... I would consider myself a dedicated hard working person. I may have my emotional problems but I’d much rather fill that empty hole in my heart with food than the unconditional love of a child. I have chosen not to have children. FOr more than one reason. I, personally, have issue with the whole “giving birth” process in the first place. Plus, it is a huge responsibility, extremely expensive, and WILL change your life forever. I’m ok with my life. I’ve put thought and effort into it and that is the decision I have made.

I’m sure there are a few of you out there who really wanted kids, THOUGHT ABOUT IT, and also live a life conducive to raising children. Good for you.

But what I want to say is this - WHY must YOUR PROBLEM become my problem? For every one of you who have children flying from your womb like pez dispenser, there is someone at your job carrying your responsibility.

Every time you have to leave work early to pick them up from day care or wherever...
ME - working late.
Every school play, teacher parent conference, soccer game or whatever you choose to leave work for...
ME - still working - handling your projects.
Every time you can’t get a baby sitter or your kid is sick or it was foggy day schedule...
ME - scrambling to meet the deadlines you couldn’t because of your children.

THAT is why I don’t like children. Life throws enough things at you. Doctors appointments and flat tires and family emergencies, but I don’t get the same luxuries! I don’t get to stay home and hope someone will make sure my job gets done. If “I” was sick and flakey I’d get fired, but if it was my babies... No big deal - we understand.

And it’s not like you can really voice the opinions I just did publicly without facing jail time. UGH! Whatever people, whatever... Get it together ok?

Sitting with Jealousy...

SOOO, I haven’t written in a while. And I really hate that when i do feel the urge to write it’s perceived as negative... I don’t know if I’d really call this negative as much as I’d call it growth though.

I think I’m just having a hard time with jealousy. And not jealousy about dating and relationships, etc. But more about THINGS. I suppose that’s even worse because it’s selfish and shallow and doesn’t really “MATTER”... But I’m finding that it’s bothering me. And I find myself coming back to a lot of - I wish, I want, I need... and they are all mostly materialistic things.

I wish I could afford to get my nails done...
I want new furniture, new pictures for my bedroom, a new car...
I need new clothes, new shoes, jewelry...

See what I mean? It’s almost embarrassing to admit.

So, that’s what I’ve been sitting with. I started something new a few weeks ago. I decided to start writing a gratitude journal. It’s not about material things but just whatever happened during my day I was thankful for. A friend, a smile, a good meal... something positive and truly appreciated. I know this has been a problem for me so I wrote about all the things that I’m thankful for that I already have. I won’t say it fixed anything because the next day I went on a grand adventure through river park and realized I “need” new plates for my kitchen from Sur Le Table... and “want” a new trench type jacket from White House/Black Market, and “Wish” I could just shop all day like many of rich kept women that I know :(

Sigh... I’ll keep sitting with this... And maybe if I’m smarter with the money I DO make, I’ll come out ahead and be able to make that future I want a reality. (Not to be a kept woman... BTW! ... the other stuff ...)

Happy thoughts... positive thoughts... appreciative thoughts...

IQ/EQ

So I had an interesting conversation last night about intellect and emotional intelligence. I haven’t quite figured out which one is better to have. Although I would say (and have been told by others) that I am fairly perceptive and pretty in touch with my emotions. Most EVERYTHING I “Feel”. I can reason stuff out factually too, but ultimately I think I trust what my gut tells me. It may get me into a bit of trouble (LOL) but I don’t think I would change anything. It has gotten me far. I also think that when you FEEL, the world is a brighter place. Of course, when it’s low, it’s also A LOT lower, but somehow I like the technicolor aspect my emotions bring me.

I don’t know if it’s mostly a man thing or the result of some trauma that causes a person to lose touch with their true feelings. I wonder how do you connect to your feelings? I’m having hard time contemplating it because that hasn’t been the case for me in a long time. I do believe true growth and connection comes from some sort of tragedy that jolts you to your senses... that leaps you forward in your evolution to becoming whole and balanced.

Actually, there was quite some time where I didn’t really “feel” things. When I was growing up, I felt anger (a false emotion) and a lot of injustice at my home life. My mom really didn’t seem to care what I was going through. We were a “happy” house and she did not allow time for weakness. I know time after time after time if I was caught crying she would yank me out of my room and tell me to do the dishes or rake the yard or make the bed or something. She would say “this is a happy house! You have a good life! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something productive!”

If i cried in an argument it went about the same. She stopped listening. I remember I used to grab onto my arm and squeeze and pinch with my nails until my arm would bleed to distract myself from my emotional pain - to try and earn some respect for being tough. I was VERY disconnected from myself. Mostly as a survival technique. And here I was wondering how I ever wound up cutting myself. Seems that’s clear now, huh?

I think the hard part for me was reconciling that crying is not a weakness. That your emotions (while they can be overpowering and need to be controlled to some degree) do not make you weak. That our feelings are our pure expression of self. They can be both a release and a fulfillment. To not be in touch with them is really cheating yourself out of something. I know that I love to hear people say nice things, but when I FEEL their warmth and pure expression of their heart, it’s beyond words how touched I am.

Now all that being said - what is the difference between being smart and being educated? Because I would consider myself smart. My IQ is like 135 (that’s decent, right?) I’m able to grasp concepts. Sometimes I need to have things explained to me a couple different ways until I “Get It” but then I don’t need anymore help. I’m pretty good at most things and would say that there isn’t anything i can’t do if I have the desire and put my mind to it. I like learning new things. Problem solving. I’m a good speller, decent writer. However, I’m not so good at math. I couldn’t tell you who wrote Moby Dick or what the difference is between impressionist paintings and a Monet. I don’t really care to watch the history channel or ponder if there were or were not dinosaurs. I have no idea about geography or politics etc. So.... do those things make me dumb? Or UnEducated? I think I can hold a fairly intelligent conversation on a wide range of topics with a variety of people. But often somewhere inside I come up feeling like I’m about the lamest person on the earth because I’m not “educated” or “travelled” or “book smart”. I SUCK at Trivial Pursuit - let me just tell you. As a matter of fact, I cried after the last game I played and don’t plan on playing it again! (Of course, I’m making this more about my feelings and not intelligence, aren’t i? ha ha ha - that’s actually funny!)


Well, it’s another day of self (discovery) (exposure) (esteem) (--you fill in the blanks--)

See ya!